thoughts on niall's confession (spoilers for the finale!)
i know jamie bell said something about niall thinking ruben would never get out of prison so he felt safe to share that baird was his, and that maybe he wanted to hurt ruben, but i had a different take personally.
imo it was partly self sabotage. he's talking about having a future with alby, he and ruben are on good terms, he's assuaged ruben’s suspicions about he and mona, and he's successfully come out without ruben disowning him. things are good!
for a self sabotaging, self harming man like niall things are too good, there's suddenly everything to lose and who knows when the other shoe will drop so he might as well drop it himself and save himself the anxiety about it.
i also think it's partly bc he didn't get the reaction he wanted from ruben after coming out as gay. i’ve seen people talking about how they think niall felt like he'd stayed in the closet and wasted all those years for nothing, and i do agree that he probably felt that way, but i also think that's not the main reason he would be upset with ruben’s lack of reaction.
for niall, when it comes to ruben, being hated is better than indifference - that's why he spiralled about ruben not coming to find him after prison. he thought ruben hadn't even been thinking about him, and for niall that's the worst possible thing that could happen. he needs to be the center of ruben’s thoughts.
ruben’s non-reaction hurt more than hatred ever could've bc to niall it means he's not important enough to care about. he's obsessed with ruben and he needs to know that ruben is equally obsessed with him or he loses it.
ruben says he doesn't care about niall being gay and what niall hears is ruben doesn't care. he can't take it, so he gives ruben something to care about, something to hate niall for, something that will cement niall into his every waking moment and have him chewing on the thought of niall every night and day until he can exact revenge.
finally i genuinely do think niall wanted to see if he could get away with it. he pushes ruben's boundaries more than anyone. he argues back, he backstabs and betrays, he hurts ruben, and he's the only one who's ever been allowed to get away with all of that unscathed. ruben said he'd make niall ugly, and then he didn't. he forgave niall. he kept forgiving niall, over and over, for things any other man would be hospitalised over. i think niall felt this compulsion to keep pushing and pushing just to see if ruben would keep forgiving him.
further thoughts, from ruben’s pov: i do think in the moment he didn't care that niall is gay and did feel hurt that niall didn't trust him earlier and proud that niall finally told him, but i definitely think he feels that way now bc he's mellowed out a lot (comparatively!) and has matured emotionally and learnt how to deal with his feelings better (comparatively!!!!). he probably really believes niall could've trusted him with this all along bc in that moment the thought of hurting niall just for being honest about being gay is unfathomable.
if niall had told him when they were younger though he would've cared and acted defensively and aggressively, esp due to his experience with csa. i think he knew niall was gay all along, but niall outright stating it to ruben would've felt like a come-on and would've freaked ruben out. he would've felt like niall only loved him bc he wanted him (how he felt in the barn at first and why he insisted on niall describing his love - “where do you feel it?” ie do you actually love me or do you just want to fuck me?)
i also feel like ruben had his suspicions about niall being baird’s biological father but was willing to overlook it and deny it to himself bc he wanted a child so badly. i think ruben was mostly angry at niall breaking the illusion and forcing him to confront it head on. it's been said out loud to his face in no uncertain terms now, and so ruben has no choice but to punish niall for the transgression bc he has to uphold his ideals of what makes a man. a man protects his property (his wife) and retaliates when he's disrespected, so he had to punish niall.
niall’s timing, as well, was exactly when it would hurt ruben the most. telling ruben when he felt the most vulnerable and the most safe he's probably felt in years must've felt like finally exposing your soft underbelly just to get immediately gutted.
and i’ve seen people feeling disappointed by the ending which is understandable. imo the suffocation should've taken longer and i’d have liked more of an argument between them before they fought and killed each other but the final moments were great for me. not perfect but satisfyingly unsatisfying. ruben’s final reaction to seeing niall dead on the ground and realising it was all for nothing, it sinking in that the world is worse now, him looking away in disappointment and apathy like all of his emotions have just died with niall? him having plenty of time to get medical attention and instead choosing to lie down and slowly bleed out bc there's nothing left to live for now? that's romance babyyyy
