Accidentally Scratched Rosalie’s Car: A Goodbye Video from the Ruff Bois
An AU that totally happened inspired by @gayvampiretown ‘s Ruff Bois
“Jacob don’t turn the bike that way!” Emmett yelled, sounding like a five-year-old who was trying to keep it hidden that he was doing something that was against the rules. He was. That’s not the point though.
“Emmett don’t tell me how to move the bike!” Jacob replied, the same mocking tone lacing his voice as he rolled his eyes. They were currently trying to completely take apart Jasper and Bella’s motorcycles for the use of their next video: We Send Jasper and Bella On A Scavenger Hunt Across The US For Their Bike Parts.
“You’re going to break something then we’re more screwed than we already are!” Emmett warned. They both knew that Jasper and Bella were going to be livid, but if they broke something, they had no chance of forgiveness.
“Who’s the mechanic, Emmett?” Jacob asked, looking up at him.
“Legally? My wife.” Emmett replied.
“Legally shmegally.” Was all Jacob said as he finished taking apart the last part. “Now help me move this into the garage so we can box it up without someone seeing it.”
They both began moving the various parts into the garage, the strength both of them had leading to yet another contest.
“I bet I can move more than you at once.” Emmett challenged.
“You’re on.” Jacob replied.
It took two minutes. Two measly minutes and Jacob dropped everything in his hands and the sound that was made was less than pretty.
“Please tell me that wasn’t Rose’s car.” Emmett said, though they both knew the answer. The siding to one of the bikes hit her car and left a hideous mark down the side that was impossible to hide.
“It wasn’t Rose’s car.” Jacob said, not at all trying to make it a convincing lie.
“We’re. So. Fucked.” Emmett said, walking over to the car to see the damage.
“Any chance she won’t notice?”
“THE BLIND WOULD NOTICE THAT SCRATCH!” Emmett shouted his response.
“DON’T YELL AT ME, I’M ALREADY PANICKING!” Jacob shouted back. Seconds later and they both heard the sound of Alice’s car pulling into the driveway where Rose sat in the passenger seat.
“Run.” Emmett said lowly.
“Where? She’ll see us if we try to leave.” Jacob said, both of their voices coated in fear.
“Living room. Help me push this away first.” Emmett told him, pushing all the bike parts into a pile and placing one of the covers to the cars on top of the pile, then another over Rose’s car before hauling ass to the living room and sitting on either side of Bella. Bella looked at both of them and quirked an eyebrow,
“Do I want to know?” She asked.
“Nope.” Emmett replied, both his and Jacob’s attention on the TV in front of them.
“Should I record it in case you die?” Bella questioned, both Jake and Emmett nodded in response. Bella pulled out her phone and opened the camera, flicking on the video and smirking once she heard the familiar ‘ding’.
Seconds later and a horrified shriek came from the garage followed by a deathly snarl and the sound of heels clicking towards the living room. Both men immediately stood up once they saw the blonde’s face.
“Who did it?” She growled, stepping closer to the two. They both began backing away, making it so the coffee table stood between the two of them and Rosalie.
“Jacob did it!” Emmett immediately answered.
“It was Emmett’s idea that caused it!” Jacob said back when the blonde’s glare turned to him.
“I don’t care whose idea it was. That is a 1967 Ford Mustang Shelby GT500 that I’ve kept PERFECT for over half a century and you two managed to bring the first true damage to it besides paint chipping or interior replacement because of age.” She snarled.
Bella was on the couch biting back laughter as she continued recording it. You could practically see the rage floating off of Rose. Bella didn’t move until Renesmee stepped into the room, and that was only to cover her mouth and prevent her from speaking and distracting the three of them. Jacob and Emmett were currently blubbering out apologies, trying in some way to lessen the wrath of the pissed off Rose. Bella moved her hand and Ness lifted her hand to Bella’s cheek, flashing an image of the scratch that caused even Bella to wince. She nodded, confirming that why Rose was mad. The next image to flash through Bella’s mind due to her daughter was the image of the bike parts lying underneath a cover.
“YOU TWO MORONS TOOK APART MINE AND JASPERS BIKES?!” Bella shouted, joining Rosalie’s side as she glared at her brother-in-law and her best friend. “You two have an hour to put our bikes back together and I might hold Rose back from killing you.”
54 minutes later and Emmett and Jacob had both bikes back together perfectly and were dragging Bella outside to see it.
“Good as new.” Jacob told her.
“Now please help us!” Emmett begged.
“What was the prank?” Bella asked, looking back at the two.
“What?” They asked at the same time.
“What was the prank?” Bella asked again.
“Are you sure you want to know?” Jacob asked wearily.
“If you two don’t tell me I swear to-“
“Okay, okay!” Jacob said in defeat.
“The prank was that we would take yours and Jasper’s bikes apart and put them in different parts of the US and send you and Jasper on a scavenger hunt.” Emmett told her. Bella’s face remained unreadable as she turned and headed back inside, leaving both of the boys confused. Ness was the next to step outside,
“Mom said that she’s giving you two a three-minute head start before she unleashes Aunt Rose after the two of you.” She said, turning on her heel and heading back inside. She looked back in enough time to see Emmett and wolf version of Jacob running across the yard.
I did not ask permission to write this... so... I am hoping that writing this is okay. I asked for prompts. I received a prompt. I loved the prompt. I needed a scene for the prompt. I am... trying not to write angst so much. Humor is good! Humor is fun. Ruff Bois AU is fun. Ruff Bois honestly doesn’t even read as an AU; it’s likely canon at this point if we’re being real. Here’s a Ruff Bois story. Thank you @gayvampiretown for giving us the headcanons that we both need and deserve. A thousand apologies if I don’t do them justice.
Prompt: Emmett/Rose - “This is fun.” “Seriously, we’re trying to hide a body.”
(sent by @herokingrobbstark)
Rosalie has always lived with a keen understanding of the way relationships are supposed to work. There is give and take. There is patience. Communication. Love. Understanding. Sometimes there’s a compromise but oftentimes there’s collaboration.
As a human, with a heart that ardently craved affection, Rosalie saw very little of those things in the glimpses she observed between the couples in her life. Between her parents, rarely. Vera and her husband, often. But she remained stubborn as always, figuring that if anyone could have a pure, happy love, surely she could find it easily.
She found it ironic—and still does, honestly—that it wasn’t until her heart stopped beating when she found herself bearing witness to a true loving relationship.
First, in the serenity she witnessed between Carlisle and Esme. Their calm understanding of one another frustrated, then quickly baffled, and eventually soothed her.
Then, not long after, she found it reflected in herself and Emmett. A cool relief soothing the burn that had been eating away at her over the couple of years she’d been despising her own existence.
Over the decades she’s learned—well, they’ve learned together—what it takes to make things work. She’s learned that sometimes improper communication can start an argument, but a total lack of it will ensure one. She’s learned what it means to quiet her own heart and listen, and that truly opening up starts with acknowledging that there are things that need to be expressed and heard.
She especially acknowledges that although patience sometimes has a limit, it’s still vital in trying times.
And as she holds a camera in her hands, trying to hold her tongue, she doesn’t think it’s an overstatement at all to call this one of those ‘trying times’.
“Rose, baby. You have to at least aim the camera at us or we’re not going to be in the frame.”
Rosalie counts to three, inhales, and running her tongue across razor-sharp teeth, she exhales slowly. Then, she lifts the camera up a few inches.
“Would it kill you to look through the viewfinder?”
Someone smacks the second voice—the sound of stone hitting hardened flesh—and Rosalie closes her eyes.
Another slow inhale. Careful movements as she opens her eyes, opens the screen, flips it toward herself, and glances down. The camera doesn’t budge as she does this, her hand always steady, and when it focuses fully on the three people in front of her, she feels nothing but a resigned sort of reluctance, pushing down the contempt she feels for the shape-shifter carrying her adopted sister-in-law.
She makes eye contact with Bella, who smiles sympathetically, and slowly releases the breath.
When Emmett and Jacob had become friends, she’d... tolerated it. Sure, the dog was a constant bother (and a fucking asshole on top of it), and yeah, if Emmett wanted to be within five feet of her after they hung out she made him change and shower (sometimes twice), but hanging out with him made Emmett happy.
And she’d learned over the decades that sometimes she had to tolerate things for her husband’s happiness.
Her one rule when they started recording these mindless, inane videos: keep her out of it and she wouldn’t say anything negative about it, leaving them to their antics.
But then Emmett asked her to do his makeup on camera, and she couldn’t just say no to something that was admittedly so funny. Especially when he pouted as he asked. Damn his expressive, handsome face.
And then soon after he’d asked her to do Jacob’s makeup. And she couldn’t pass up the once-in-an-afterlife opportunity to make him look like a cheap, drunk clown.
Thankfully, Jasper takes up the reigns in following the pair around to document their nonsense, so the boys typically keep their shenanigans to themselves. Of course she does not understand how the blond got roped into helping them out with their ridiculous videos, but Rosalie feels nothing but disdain for Jasper currently.
Because no matter how much he claims to be annoyed by their antics, Jasper is a filthy, enabling traitor. One who owes her big time when he and Alice get back from their trip to New York.
“You know, Alice will kill you when she sees what you’re wearing for this bit.”
Bella looks up at Rosalie from where she is in Jacob’s arms and half-shrugs. The pant-suit fits her perfectly, tailored flawlessly thanks to Alice, but Bella has always hated being ‘styled’. “The sooner she stops spending money on me, the better.”
She had a point there. Alice had gotten better throughout the years with leaving Bella to her own devices, but could still be pretty insistent.
“Bella dressed up for the adoring masses,” Jacob grins, turning to wink at the camera.
Rosalie doesn’t bother holding back her exaggerated gag.
“I really didn’t.”
“Either way, ask for more Bella, and ye shall receive!” Emmett is almost waist-deep in a hole that he’s been digging up with his bare hands for the better part of five minutes now. He could move faster, but he claims to enjoy moving at more of a human-pace for their videos.
Makes it easy for the humans watching to keep up. And for the camera to keep up, too.
Since they’ve found their spot in the woods—an uninhabited Rocky Mountain valley along the New Mexico/Colorado border—Emmett has gotten straight to work, looking to dig a deep enough hole to stick Bella in, while still standing, but small enough that it wouldn’t look too obvious.
“Can’t help that she’s a fan favorite.” Jacob’s words are clearly supposed to be a dig at her, meant to rile her up. But she’s so beyond caring what the people who watch their dumb videos think that all she can do is roll her eyes.
“This is never going to work, you know.”
“Hey!” Emmett shoots her a mock-frown. “No negativity on set. Also, yes it will. Edward will lose his shit trying to find her.”
“No offense, Bella,” Rosalie glares at a pile of dirt that Emmett tosses a bit too close to her, “because we all know I’m in favor of irritating Edward, but how do you know he’ll even care enough to come looking for you?”
The couple had recently had one of their first real fights since their marriage over a decade ago—or at least the worst one the rest of the family had all witnessed. Which meant a lot of attitude from the bronze-haired vampire, a lot of stubbornness from their newest vampire, and a lot of annoyance all around.
Edward had accompanied Renesmee on a trip back to Washington for a bit, but according to Alice, before she and Jasper left on their own trip, he’d be back early and would leave the hybrid girl behind to visit for a few days before letting her fly back to Illinois on her own.
And with the knowledge that Edward wasn’t around to fish any ideas out of their head, Emmett and Jacob went straight to work. Bella, who was still very much sore from their heated argument, had agreed wholeheartedly to the plan.
Jasper had literally tossed the camera into her hands (she should’ve just let the damn thing drop to the floor) and wished her luck, using his unique influence to ensure she’d be a bit more agreeable to the idea of potentially ‘helping out’, before Alice had whisked him out the door and off on their vacation.
‘Support your husband’s hobby’, he’d said. ‘It makes him happy,’ he’d said. ‘It’s just one video, you just point and shoot,’ he said.
The second his influence wore off she started swearing. They were going to be on Rosalie’s shit list for a while now. Jasper and Alice. Traitors. The both of them. Leaving her to deal with this shit.
Bella shrugs again as she watches Emmett chuck handful after handful of dirt out of the pit and off to the side. Then, she pulls a plastic bag out of her blazer pocket. “Oh,” she grins, turning to make eye contact with the blonde, “he’ll come looking alright.”
In the tightly bound plastic are the keys to all of Edward’s cars. Spare ones included.
Rosalie feels the smile creep onto her face. “Have I ever told you how much I cherish you as a sister?”
Bella’s grin widens as Jacob laughs.
“And you’re not worried that this will make things worse?” Despite his joy in heavily inconveniencing Edward Cullen, there’s a bit of apprehension hidden behind Jacob’s brown eyes.
“He didn’t even say goodbye to me before he left,” Rosalie can hear how thoroughly pissed Bella still is, even despite her even facial expression and the three weeks that have passed since the initial argument. “If he wants to play petty, we can play petty.”
Emmett’s laugh echoes through the area and before they realize it he is shoulder-deep in the hole.
“You guys do know this isn’t going to work though, right?” Despite the pleasure she will undoubtedly get from watching this punishment-like prank fail, she feels the need to make sure that they know this.
They have to know this, right?
“What are you talking about?” Emmett pokes his head up out of the hole, a mildly hurt look on his face. “You don’t think we can pull this off?”
“I know you can’t. He’s going to trace our scents to this exact spot.”
“No,” Jacob stubbornly shakes his head, “he’s going to trace my scent. Mine masks yours.”
Rosalie blinks at him twice. “Yes. Exactly. He’s going to trace your scent and find Bella.”
“But he won’t know where Bella is because he can’t follow her scent. And since he can’t read her mind it’s not like he can just listen in to zero in on her location.” More dirt gets tossed dangerously close to her and she finds herself glaring at the back of her husband’s head as he works.
Rosalie steps back. “But he’s going to know Jacob had something to do with it. It doesn’t matter who ‘hides’ her. He’s going to still follow the trail and find her.”
“We’ll take a long route home. Back track a bunch. Muddle up the trail.” Jacob’s answers are spoken with the confidence of someone who has undying faith in their own idiocy. It’s confidence he has no business possessing, and it’s incomparably annoying.
“Bella, you have two brain cells to rub together. You know he’s going to be able to track you down.”
“Alice said a storm is blowing through tomorrow night,” the girl supplied. “I’m hoping it washes away everyone’s scent.”
Rosalie grimaces. “You know if you hate that outfit that much you don’t have to wear it while you get buried underground, during a rainstorm, for several days.” She pictures how ungodly Bella is going to look after she’s unearthed and has to suppress a shudder. Her eyes then wander to Emmett’s dirty mop of hair and her frown deepens.
He’s not going to be touching her again until he’s scrubbed clean, head to toe.
“And let it collect dust? That would be rude.”
Jacob laughs again, and when Bella tries to get down from his hold, he nearly shouts. “Not yet! The only place your toes are touching is the bottom of that hole.
“I thought you said your scent masked ours?” Rosalie deadpanned.
“We still can’t be too careful.”
“This is your dumbest idea to date.”
“Just keep the camera on my good side, alright?” Jacob grins again and Rosalie simply turns the camera, cutting him entirely out of the frame. “Hey!”
“So, let’s say the trail gets muddled up. Edward can’t track her down. What do you think he’ll do next?”
Bella shrugs, as if uncaring how long it may take for her to be found, and Emmett turns toward her, pointing a finger at the camera. “Nothing! He has to find her! We already left the list of instructions on the front door. He has to find Bella within two weeks or he loses the challenge. And if he does Bella leaves her spot, hides the keys in a new spot, and comes home. Edward loses and has to eat a food of Bella’s choosing.”
“Yogurt,” Bella nods with a grimace, already aware of which food disgusts her husband the most.
“And when has Edward ever, since you started this shit, played by the rules for your little games?”
Emmett and Jacob share a concerned look, as if they hadn’t considered Edward would not be willing to play along, and Rosalie nearly bursts with a mixture of frustration and laughter.
She zooms in on their looks of apprehension. “You’re right,” she laughs, “This is fun.”
“Seriously,” Emmett throws his hands in the air dramatically, dirt flying toward the sky, decidedly not enjoying his wife’s teasing. “We’re trying to hide a body.”
“You know he can just get new keys.”
“Just ignore her,” Jacob nods to Emmett, gesturing for him to continue. “It’s a good idea. It will be gold.”
“And what gold are you expecting to get out of this?”
“His reactions are going to be fire,” Emmett has a grin in his voice as he hops out of the hole.
“And I take if you two will be recording his journey to find his buried wife?”
“You bet.” Jacob lowers Bella slowly into the hole, Emmett holding his hand over his brow, saluting as she’s lowered onto her feet.
“Right. So when Edward fishes the information out of one of your minds, then he’ll know where she is and come and get her?”
“No, because Bella will just—”
“Shield your minds?” The two men are silent.
Rosalie laughs as the two men shoot each other looks, as if realizing maybe this plan won’t work the way they’re hoping.
“In my defense,” Bella pipes up from her hole, “I told Jake this yesterday and he definitely brushed that detail aside. Either way,” she reaches up and smacks at Emmett’s foot, “fill her up. Whether this prank is internet-worthy or not means little to me at this point. I need to piss off my husband.”
Rosalie laughs louder and keeps the camera trained on her own husband’s look of defeat.
Collaboration to make a relationship work better? Sure, she can do that.
One day Carlisle comes home from the hospital to find Emmett sulking in the living room. When he asks what’s wrong, Emmett just points to the white board that he, Jake, and Seth had set up in the corner. The heading is “Potential Ruff Bois” followed by a list of names. At the bottom, crossed out, is...
