Crashed and Burned Ch. 18
“Jess, I have to tell…” I started before I was cut off abruptly.
“Jared! Oh, thank God you answered the phone? Where is my sister? She isn’t answering her phone and I just came over to the apartment to make sure that she was alright after today. She’s not here so I’m hoping she’s with you because if she’s not then we have something to worry about. Whitney could have…And then there was this note…” Jess blurted out and sputtered to an inconsequential end.
“She wrote you a note?” I asked, astonished. Had she been planning on doing this all day? Or was it Shannon’s yelling and unreasonableness that had pushed her over the edge of her control? “What did it say?”
“It was just one of her love notes she likes to leave thanking me for being her sister and saying she loved me and what not. Why? Is she with you, Jared? I’m starting to get worried. I just want to talk to her,” Jess replied. I could hear the anxiety in her voice rising and Carson in the background telling her that everything was probably fine and not to worry. I wished he was right.
“Jess, I…your sister... I mean, shit, you should come to the hospital. I don’t think I can tell you the details now but I think Reagan tried to commit suicide. It’s pretty serious. I just got to the hospital. I was going to call…”
“Shut up, Jared. Are you being serious? Because if you’re joking, it’s in very poor taste on your part. Please tell me you’re joking. Please, please tell me you’re kidding right now,” Jess stammered as the weight of what I had said started to click, synapses firing at record speeds.
“I wish I could tell you I was kidding,” I whispered trying to hold it together.
“I’ll be there in ten,” she said flatly before the line went dead.
With my phone still in hand, I texted Emma to tell her what had happened and to cancel anything I had planned for the next few weeks. When Shannon walked into the waiting room, he had a piece of paper in his hands.
“What is that?” I asked.
“She left a note,” he said, tears in his eyes. “I read it. I’m so sorry, Jared. I...” He shook his head and handed me the note before sitting down next to me, dropping his head in his hands. I stared. Had she really been planning this? Premeditated notes for me and her sister?
I read the note. Even though I was livid at Shannon, it didn’t outweigh the pain I felt for Reagan. I would never truly understand how it felt to want someone else’s happiness so much that you would take yourself out of the equation entirely and indefinitely. He had no idea how to console me. I didn’t want to be. I read it again. And again. . “I hope you won’t be too upset. (My whole existence might help you write your next album)” I smiled slightly at her dark sense of humor. But could she honestly fathom that I could move on so easily. Despite everything I’ve ever said and done, I don’t think she believe that I could love her. And she said I love you twice. Then why couldn’t she let me in?
Emma walked into the room as I folded the note and shoved it in my pocket. I leaned back in the uncomfortable plastic waiting room chairs and closed my eyes. An image of her lifeless face was burned into my retinas. It had been so peaceful. She had been so calm ever since her parents had been murdered. I should have known that underneath her strong exterior, she was completely falling apart. I had seen a glimpse of it at times, especially at the funeral and burial. I should have tried harder. I should have tried as hard as I did when I first met her.
I remembered how apologetic she was to have almost knocked me over but her immediate change to complete rage had intrigued me. I felt how fragile she was through her strong exterior in that moment, and I had to protect her. But I also had to get to know her. I shuttered to think of what would have happened if I hadn’t been there to protect her from Blaine. And she never once mentioned the band to me, even after I knew that she was familiar with who I was. She wasn’t out to get me, I was sure of that and the rage I felt towards Shannon for making her feel that way made the tears pour freely down my face. I had failed her when she needed me most.
Shannon’s hand landing on my shoulder brought me back to reality. The past was the past. I knew Shannon felt bad about the situation but that didn’t change my feelings.
“Jared. Jared look at me,” he pleaded.
I turned to him knowing that my eyes would give away my every emotion. I couldn’t hide it from him, just like I knew I couldn’t hide it from Reagan. They were the only ones who could read me like a book. “What is it Shannon?” I asked flatly. His eyes were filled with tears. It made me angrier: he should feel bad. It took everything I had not to flinch away from him or punch him in the face.
“I know you are angry with me. But, Jared, I am so sorry. I know you care about her…I feel…I…” Shannon dropped off, letting his hand fall from my shoulder. I maintained my gaze.
“I know,” I said in the same tone as I turned away from him. I crossed my legs and clasped my hands, closed my eyes and tried to take deep breaths. I felt as if I would explode.
“Jared,” Emma’s sweet voice broke through my concentration this time.
“Yes, Emma,” I said, opening my eyes to look at her before pulling my sunglasses out of my jacket pocket to cover them. I didn’t want Emma to feel everything I was feeling.
“I brought your notebook from your house and I locked up for Shannon since he left directly after you. I figured you would want to have it. And, if you or Shannon want to change your clothes, I brought extras,” she said calmly. I appreciated Emma. One of her greatest qualities was keeping a level head in trying situations.
“Thank you,” I replied as I took the notebook and pen from her hand. She always thought of everything. I looked down at my damp and bloody clothes. I hadn’t even noticed how much of a mess I was. Everything was a haze and the predominant thought was Reagan. Looking back up at Emma, she nodded and reached into her large bag, fishing out a new shirt and pants. I took them appreciatively and headed to the bathroom to change. The reflection I saw in the mirror there was a shadow. Bags developing under my eyes, I looked like I had been awake for a century. But, more importantly, I couldn’t look myself in the eye. I was a broken man and it was written there like a billboard on the side of the interstate.
Returning to the waiting room, I wanted to write hoping it would give me some kind of peace of mind; however, Jess and Carson appeared in the waiting room within seconds of me opening my notebook. Jess locked eyes with me: all I could see was pure agony. I stood and met her in the middle of the room, enveloping her in an understanding embrace.
“Jared! She just can’t die. She can’t leave us. We need her…” Jess sobbed into my chest.
“I know,” was all I could manage to say without my voice cracking.
Carson came closer and rubbed her back. She pulled back and wiped her tears giving me a half-hearted smile. She and Carson took seats across the room, Jess quietly sobbing into Carson’s side as he held her. It gave my heart a little more weight and a pang of jealousy. I wished I could hold Reagan. Instead of returning to my seat next to Shannon, I traded it for one by itself and opened my notebook to write, again. I poured out my heart in words and pictures as the seconds crawled by, praying that Reagan would be okay.
My zombie-like trance wasn’t broken until the doctor came in and asked for Jess. She rushed up to him and they started to talk quietly. I strained my ears to hear but the only snippet that translated was she’s lost a lot of blood…
I was frozen in my chair, dropping my notebook and pen to the floor with a loud smack. I could feel Shannon and Emma’s gazes fly between Jess and myself, not knowing which train wreck was more tragic. My eyes were planted on Jess, trying to gauge her reactions to what the doctor was saying. It felt like the temperature dropped twenty degrees in an instant as my blood ran cold and my heart pounded in my chest. Was she going to be alright or had I lost her forever?
