My brain does not work well with most social media, especially video like TikTok. But do you know what I would watch religiously?
Jamie Tartt's "Roy Kent Swears at Things" channel.
Pundit shows. Traffic. Match footage. Books. Bake-Off. Other people. Recipes that do not turn out like Nigella said they would. Grocery prices, because Roy grew up poor, and despite the fact that he has no problem dropping a wad of cash or a gold watch to catch a ride, it mortally offends him that his favorite snack no longer costs 50p.
Surreptitious shots are easy because of Jamie's complete inability to sit like a normal person — Roy never notices the camera's pointed at him. Plus, when Roy really gets going, Jamie can film him flat-out like a fan on the street, he's so distracted.
But the best ones are just Jamie, camera pointed at his own face, stifling laughter (you know, a la 03x02, Trent's locker room intro), while the dulcet tones of Roy hollering things like "WHAT THE FUCK D'YOU THINK YOU'RE FUCKING DOING, YOU FUCKFACE FUCKING CUNT" come from the background.
I just have this mental image of post-S3 Roy reluctantly calling the Diamond Dogs and gritting out something super informative like "My boyfriend... wants... something."
And Beard and Will know everything because... Beard is omniscient and Will is a boot room stalker, so they nod, and Nate has, like, a lightbulb moment and gets it immediately, and Trent – have you seen that post about how Trent is Jane Goodall and Jamie is the ape he's studying? – is just thinking oh finally and getting out his mental notepad. (I refuse to believe he wasn't invited back for another book, sorry.)
But Higgins is a moment behind. And he gags, like he does. And he asks, "You have a boyfriend?" And he lowers his voice, and he asks, "Have you... told Jamie?"
And Roy continues to stare at the wall or whatever, but everyone else turns to look at Higgins. And there's a beat. And then Higgins goes, "Ohhhhhhh," like he does.
(Yeah and then I got nothing. I'm supposed to be working.)
“Having a boyfriend is like having a kid, yeah? A lot of work, a lot of responsibility, really rewarding but exhausting! So what you do is get another boyfriend and they can, like, have a play date while you have some wine and a nap.”
and i had to think of something to say that was not “OMG Moe Bumbercatch”
(All these Olympics B-plots are giving me Ted Lasso headcanons/plotbunnies like… the Muffin Man is clearly Jamie but is the choccy muffin something Roy has made for him, or something Simon/a venue/a restaurant makes that Jamie is using to egg Roy on to make ever more elaborate attempts to try and best it?)
Imagine I had the attention span to write this S1 AU where the paparazzi incident (not Keeley finding out it was her, but way back at the incident itself) is Rebecca's wake-up call re: fucking over the team.
~
"I want to rebrand the club,” she tells Keeley the next day. “Every other television programme these days is about a group of doctors or detectives or firefighters or whatnot who operate as a family. Every damn sports movie is about winning because they're not just a team. I want that for Richmond. I want their friendships plastered all over social media. I want to fill those seats with women who don’t give a flying fuck about football who just want to see the boys interact. And if I can imply that Rupert was a bad team dad along the way, I consider that an absolutely luscious cherry on top.”
Keeley seems to be… broken, just staring at her, mouth gaping open like a fish. It's not the amusement or glee that Rebecca had expected, and she suddenly feels uncertain.
"Am I crazy?" she asks. "Is this a stupid idea?"
"Fuck no!” Keeley bursts out. “I mean yes, it’s fucking insane, who does that? But do you have any idea what kind of presence the Roy/Jamie shippers already have on Tumblr and AO3?"
Rebecca does not know what any of those things are, and she decidedly does not want to ask, but based on Keeley's excited bouncing and wide grin, they all add up to something promising.
Is there someone somewhere who has done a supercut of the Roy/Jamie(/Keeley) scenes because my Apple TV subscription is running out and I’m gonna miss my blorbos
What the hell is in y'all's paracetamol in England, because the googs says it's the same as USAnian acetaminophen (Tylenol), but every time Roy takes it in a fic y'all make it sound like moose tranquilizer...
I am an Ignorant White Person™ and also an Ignorant American™. (That's not pride in ignorance you're reading, that's acknowledgment of privilege and the inability to fully understand no matter how much I know theoretically, OK?) And my dash is curated such that 99% of what I'm seeing re: Palestine is in line with what the tiniest bit of critical thought would produce, including, but not limited to:
Genocide is bad (and this is genocide)
War crimes are bad (and Israel is committing war crimes with the tacit or outright support of most of the rest of the world, especially the US)
"Israel" is not the same as "Jews" or "Jewish people," whether they be inside or outside Israel (so suck on your antisemitism)
"Hamas" is not the same as "Palestinians" or "Muslims" (so suck on your racism and Islamophobia)
Terrorism is bad (but does not happen in a vacuum)
And I don't want to hijack any of these posts, because this is so very Not About Me, and I know I am treading dangerously close to the Tone Argument regardless. But I do want to scream out into the void because I see so much stuff that is just... tailor-made to shut down USAmerican sympathy/engagement and I don't understand,
because I really genuinely thought the rest of the world had some concept of American culture – not because I subscribe to Americentrism, but just out of self-preservation, because the USA is the big bully around here (or at least the one that's out and proud about it).
Stated-or-implied, there's a strong sentiment of "every individual USAmerican is culpable," including such flavors as:
You voted for these people
There was not a Non-War-Criminal option on our presidential ballot (and there hasn't been in the average Tumblr user's lifetime)
Even if there were, majority vote does not determine the president
Politicians are not afraid of losing their next election over this (most positions are effectively predetermined by demographics)
You aren't protesting loud enough
Only three years ago, "I can't breathe" (George Floyd edition) was international news and prompted global protests and still wasn't loud enough to do anything in our own country
The USA is vast and cannot be disrupted by protest in the same way as smaller countries
The media is owned by the same corporations that own the government and will not be covering protests in an unbiased way if at all
Our police and in-country military are encouraged to do things to our citizens that would violate the Geneva Convention if performed on enemy combatants (we have to walk into any protest willing and able to sacrifice our bodies/lives and by extension our families' safety and security)
You need to educate yourself
This is true, but also
USAmerican media is propaganda
The average USAmerican does not have even a passing relationship with someone who can speak to the issue personally
The average USAmerican is starting at ZERO in this educational journey (Terrorism bad! Palestinians whom? Gaza Strip where? Colonialism what?)
I get what you're saying, Blogpost Written In Justified Anger, but you are speaking to a group that already has trouble distinguishing between criticism of a part and criticism of a whole, so when you skip right over "your country is culpable" and start at "you, as an individual, are culpable," you lose half the people who might have been willing to listen. And I am afraid that the pervasiveness of this sentiment is actively pushing USAmericans to support the actions of Israel.
