Long post, somewhat personal. I'm trying to kind of process something that is an ongoing stressor in my life.
So. Executive function issues can be frustrating. Not just for the affected person, but also for those around them. Especially dependents / partners.
My parents haven't had a working dishwasher for over two years now. Their previous dishwasher broke after many years of service, and my mom wanted a replacement, and my dad agreed. So they purchased a brand new dishwasher, which broke after ten days.
My dad decided that he would take on the responsibility for handling this. Which, historically, means that he will do nothing until forced to by outside circumstances, and he will get increasingly irritable when others who are affected by his total lack-of-action try to get him to do something about it, or try to impose deadlines or requirements of any kind.
Was the dishwasher under warranty? Almost certainly, yes, but no action was taken.
After two years (in which my mom tried repeatedly to get my dad to just. Order. A. Replacement) and finally my making a big stink about it at a family gathering such that everyone could agree that two years without a dishwasher is excessive, my dad actually... Took a look at the dishwasher so he could get a model number, so that he could hire someone to come repair it.
(he had not so much as looked up local repair shops or handyperson services in two years)
He ended up "fixing it himself" and it worked for four days and died again.
And he continued to do nothing, insist that he would be the one to deal with the problem, refuse outside help including from relatives, and eventually tell my mom to stop bringing it up.
(my mom is very intelligent and organized and could order a replacement on her own, but she is more disabled than my dad is, and relies on him for a lot, and over the years has made the tactical choice that when he is this level of stubborn, it's not worth it to go "over his head" or whatever unless the situation is direr than this)
I have managed to take one tiny step towards a solution. I have worked out an arrangement with my dad where, if and only if he doesn't have a working dishwasher by the end of August 2024, I will order a replacement for him.
He agreed. He is of course confident that by then, he will have dealt with the situation on his own.
How is he so confident? Because it is more than 90 days away, so his brain (and mine in the absence of a calendar) approximates it as "at the heat death of the universe" and of course he will have dealt with it by then.
I fully expect to order a replacement on August 28, 2024, and for him to be annoyed or possibly very angry with me about it.
Now, venting aside: what I'm getting at is that this isn't new and unique. I grew up in a household where my dad would periodically take responsibility for specific tasks, which if things went well was fine. But if he ran into any unforeseen barriers, the problem wouldn't be fixed until someone got hurt or a pet's life was in danger or it turned into a big blowup fight that finally imposed an external deadline on him...
Which would also result in a fight. And (I speculate) he'd feel that his control over the situation had slipped, so next time he'd be even more stubborn and more territorial over tasks that we all needed him to do and which he wasn't doing, but wouldn't let anyone else do, either.
There's some point where this becomes neglect, and some later point where this pattern of behavior (specifically: not meeting a need, and declaring that no one else is allowed to meet that need; continuing to do this when the issue is one of safety and/or sanitation) becomes abuse.
It's a thorny, complicated situation all around.
And there's a point where it feels crappy and manipulative to use his time-blindness against him -- to use the end of August 2024 as a deadline, knowing that his brain will parse it as basically infinity.
But by then it will be three years without a working dishwasher (which they've had money to replace, and which my mom has always wanted to replace). And I feel there's an argument to be made that my dad has spent two years proving that he isn't able to do this particular task, even if he doesn't see it that way.
Time-blindness. It's freaking rough.
