Posting "The Diary Entries" here bc i love angsty teenage!remus sm✨️💖
I can’t bear this anymore. He thinks we’re just supposed to bear it, but he doesn’t get it- he doesn’t get that it’s so, so messed up… he’s come back all messed up again. I knew it must have been worse than usual these past couple weeks when he would barely answer James on the train. He slept for most of the ride. He told us what happened over the break about an hour ago- he’s sleeping in James’s bed tonight. I want to be with them like we usually do when he has a hard night, but I need time to think before I get back in.
James has told Sirius so many times his mum & dad can help and I told him mine can help- we even told him McGonagall or Dumbledore would obviously do something- but he won’t let us say anything. He says we're his best mates and have to keep his secrets but this doesn’t feel right to keep… it’s wrong. It’s so fucking messed up and cruel and I HATE it. He says that his excuse for parents have too much power in the Ministry and I know that’s partly true, but surely the Aurors would take what’s happening seriously. Da’ always says that adults shouldn’t hurt kids or teenagers and that what G. did to me was wrong even if he hadn’t of ended up turning me so doesn’t that make what Sirius’s parents are doing wrong? They do so much more than what I hear all the other guys go through with their parents… it’s actually illegal. That must count for something…
I love him back… I’ve loved him since we became better mates but now I know I really, really love him and I’m so pissed off at him for making me be silent. It makes me want to cry when I see those marks and scars on his ankles from those binding curses and the bruises that haven’t gone away by the time we get back to school- I have cried, but it doesn’t matter to him. He never fucking listens. His mum and dad are wretched, and awful and horrid and disgusting and I HATE them so fucking much for what they do to him and Regulus. Reg never seems too poorly done by, or maybe he just holds himself better… I don’t know. Sirius says he gets the beatings and punishments too, but most of the time that’s apparently only if he tries to stick up for him. I wish they were closer as brothers, because then we could try and convince them both at the same time that what is happening isn’t okay.
Reg can’t even bear to be in the same vicinity as James and I though, so clearly that’s never going to happen… I don’t know why he dislikes us so much, but I assume his stupid friends have something to do with it. He seems alright enough, too… he doesn’t belong in that crowd, they’re just bringing him down the same road as his parents. It’s not friendship, it’s just some mental “sacred twenty-eight” bonding or something.
I want Sirius to come live with me and Da’. Or with James and his parents. Or even foster care. Any home would be better than the one he’s in. It would be so cool if he got to come live with me- we could spend all the time on the beach and go swimming in the summers and hang out in my old tree fort and Da’ could take us to see a flick all the time and we could have such a great time together. He’s never even been to my house yet. He’s been to James’s twice of course, but his parents only let him go for a couple weeks each time and he ALWAYS has to go home for breaks.
I don’t want to be… but I’m scared. And I feel sicker every time he tells me what happens to him when he's home. I try and try and try to convince myself that I’m being dramatic, Sirius says I am, but I’m fucking scared … the books I took out in the library say prolonged exposure to the Cruciatus curse and having it enacted upon you multiple times can cause permanent damage… then there’s his mental state, the books don’t talk about that though apart from it possibly driving someone straight mental, which obviously just scares me even more. They say it’s the worst pain one can experience, so obviously it would mess someone up, right? No amount of James and I holding him to try and make him feel better & being gentle with him through the usual week-long aftermath like they always are for me after a moon can fix that…
He’s started crying more in the night… more than he’s done in the past few years. And the way he cries during those nightmares makes me feel ill…. it's not fair. He flinches too when I go and touch his arm or try to hug him now… he always brushes it off, acts like it was nothing, but it makes me want to hold him and never let him go back home ever ever ever again.
I love him and he’s kind and he’s good - why do bad things have to happen to good people?