Hello, can I have a B17/ B96 with Kaz Brekker please, thank you!!
Prompts: B17. “I know this isn’t very romantic, but…” “It’s romantic enough for me.” + B96. “Breakfast in bed? You’re spoiling me.”
Summary: Kaz tries his best to make your birthday special.
BRIGHTEST DAY
“Well well well, what is this?” Jesper snickered the moment he found his boss from the kitchen. “Is this the result of certain someone having their birthday today?”
Kaz scoffed. “Don’t be stupid.”
Jesper ignored the grumble and sauntered forward, looking at the tray he had just seen Kaz touching. “Fruits, two cups of coffee, a few tarts from last night… oh, I’m definitely telling others about how you’re treating them with a luxury breakfast. It’s just like me with Wylan.”
Kaz scowled. “This is not for them.”
Jesper cocked his head. “For who, then? Quite a hefty breakfast to eat by yourself.”
Kaz didn’t reply, just kept staring at the tray, and Jesper almost heard him cursing the sharpshooter under the deepest hole in all of Ketterdam. So he sighed and left the kitchen, but still smirked as he made his way towards the other Crows.
—
You woke up to a knock.
The hazy grey light that peeked through Ketterdam’s thick clouds and somehow made its way through your window told you it was morning — weird, because usually at this time of the day, The Slat was already bustling, but today it was surprisingly quiet. Not that you complained, it was your birthday after all.
You squinted your eyes towards the door, and sure enough, you could see three familiar shadows from the crack under the door — a pair of shoes and a smaller shadow for a cane. You smiled slightly and stretched. “Come in, Kaz.”
The door opened, something clinking as Kaz stepped forward, and you looked up to see him carrying something. You didn’t even register what it was first, but it became clear as soon as he started setting it down.
You blinked at the tray on the table next to your bed. “Breakfast in bed?” you mumbled, before looking up at him. “You’re spoiling me.”
He straightened up, his eyes flickering between you and the tray. “I… I know this isn’t very romantic, but…”
You laughed, interrupting him. “It’s romantic enough for me. More than I ever expected from you.”
He cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably. “You’re… Inej told me I should show how much you…”
You knew getting words of affirmation like that was difficult for him, even after over a decade of you two knowing each other. Holding hands without gloves was also relatively new concept for the two of you, him pouring his heart out and telling you how much he loves you on your birthday was still miles away.
“I know,” you mumbled, smiling. “I know what you want to say. I love you too.”
His lips twitched up a fraction, and you gestured towards the armchair, pushing yourself to sit up on the bed and lifting a cup of coffee from the tray.
The morning kept rising over Ketterdam, the day would be just as grey as it always was, but your birthday was as bright and sunny as it probably was at the royal grounds of King Nikolai’s palace, and would become even better than that as soon as you’d make your way down and have everyone celebrating you.
Today, you wouldn’t be able to wipe your smile off your face, and you certainly didn’t mind that fact.
This is a list of incredible fanfics set in the Grishaverse (consisting of the books by Leigh Bardugo and the show Shadow and Bone) that I read a few years ago either on Tumblr or Ao3, the majority of which are character x reader/oc.
📝 Ongoing/Unfinished
Basically everything by @dearmantis but especially:
Back from the dead - The Darkling x f!reader (4k)
Does he know that I'm falling - The Darkling x durast!reader (3.1k)
Golden Crown of Sorrow - The Darkling x f!princess!reader (4k)
There's no love like our love - The Darkling x wife!reader (6.6k)
You've left me in the dark - The Darkling x f!reader (11.4k)
Basically everything by @kasagia but especially:
Bruises and scars - Kaz Brekker x fem! tidemaker! reader (7.4k)
Devoted - The Darkling x shadow!summoner f!reader (6.7k)
His mortal saviour - The Darkling x f!reader (6k)
I'll be back for you Part 1 | Part 2 - Darkling, Kaz Brekker x reader (27k)
My love will never die - The Darkling x moon!summoner f!reader (13k)
Would've, Could've, Should've… - Darkling x f!Brekker!reader (11.6k)
Long Works (>25,000 words)
Draw your swords by @atlas-of-a-human-soul
The Darkling x f!reader (102k)
𝑒𝑥𝑖𝑙𝑒 by @inknopewetrust
The Darkling x f!reader (29.6k)
In Another Life by musings_of_fiction / @marvelmusing
The Darkling x f!reader (60.5k)
📝Keep Your Judgement by @marvelmusing
The Darkling x f!reader (45.5k)
📝MIZPAH by @padme-parker
The Darkling x f!reader (29.8k)
Nine Long Years Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 by @ellewritesalright
Nikolai Lantsov x Rietveld!reader (41.9k)
Medium Works (10,000-24,999 words)
📝An Era of Power by @marvelmusing
The Darkling x f!reader (17.3k)
From Eden Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 by @shawty-writes-a-little
Darkling x brekker!reader (13.2k)
Seafoam Series by @hottpinkpenguin
The Darkling x f!reader (14.8k)
📝Strange Love by @mistiell
The Darkling x f!reader (15.6k)
The Darkling’s Shadow by @cinebration
The Darkling x f!reader (14.5k)
To Love Another & Be Loved by @maimingaffairs
The Darkling x f!reader (11.9k)
Short Works (5,000-10,000 words)
A Kidnapped Soulmate by @wandawxdow
The Darkling x f!reader (9.3k)
Are There Still Beautiful Things? by @maimingaffairs
The Darkling x f!reader (8.2k)
Dressing for revenge by @violetrainbow412-blog
Kaz Brekker x Reader (7k)
Forgotten Part 1 | Part 2 by @ashessonfire
Kaz Brekker x Reader (established relationship) (5.5k)
If I Know You, I'll Know What You'll Do Part 1 | Part 2 by @darling-i-read-it
The Darkling x f!reader (8.2k)
Kinfolk by @inknopewetrust
The Darkling x Fem!Reader; Kaz Brekker x Sister!Reader (5.1k)
Price to Pay | Useful Skills by @amsgrey
Kaz Brekker x shadow summoner!Fem!Reader (9.1k)
📝Reflection Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 by @happynowyo
Kaz Brekker x Shadow Summoner!OC (7k)
Silent tears by @writing-havoc
Kaz Brekker x fem!reader (5.4k)
Someday then Part 1 | Part 2 by @shawty-writes-a-little
The Darkling x f!reader (8k)
“together?” “always.” by @happyyyandcrazyyy
Kaz Brekker x reader (5.2k)
Used to be Part 1 | Part 2 by @shawty-writes-a-little
The Darkling x royal!wife!reader (5k)
Pairing: (can be read as any gender, no pronouns used)
Genre: fluff
Word Count: 2 311
Warnings: alcohol, Reader kisses Wylan (oops, but no cheating), OCC Kaz, betting (not on money)
Summary: Kaz makes a bet with you and doesn’t like the way it turns out for him
Prompts: bet, game, constest
“You’d never win a bet against me.”
“Is that a bet?”
Kaz rolled his eyes at you, adjusting in the seat at the bar of the Crow Club. “Why are you so desperate to lose to me.”
“We don’t know if I’d lose,” you reminded him, tilting your head at him playfully.
“Why do I even bother,” he murmured, more to himself than you, but you still heard him over the noise of the guests, the music and the clinking of glasses and coins.
“Come on, Kaz,” you encouraged him, nudging the leg of his chair with your foot, knowing better than to touch him. “It’s a game!”
“A stupid game, and that’s Jesper’s specialty, not mine.”
“Indulge me, just this once. All the others played too!”
“What’s your current score, then?” Kaz wasn’t looking at you as he waved to the bartender for another glass of whiskey.
“Sooo… I won against Matthias,” you start counting, “lost to Nina and Inej, won against Wylan and the bet with Jesper is still ongoing. Currently it does look like he’s going to lose, though.”
With a sigh Kaz turned back to you, taking in your appearance. His blue eyes were cold as always, but you had learnt better than to be intimidated by them. Sure, he was a dangerous man, but in a relaxed situation like right now, considering how close you were, there was nothing you had to fear from him. For the time being.
“Fine,” he agreed eventually, rolling his eyes again as an excited grin spread over your face. “But first: who would you rather kiss, Wylan or Jesper?”
You, you wanted to say, but you were no idiot and certainly not drunk enough to answer that. Even if he wouldn’t mind you basically confessing your annoying little crush on him, even if he would want to kiss you too, he couldn’t. Not with the way he flinched at any form of physical contact or even the mental image of standing too close to someone.
Quickly you tore your thoughts back to his question. Really, you had no desire to kiss either of the young men, even more so because you knew they were going out. But you had the distinct feeling one of their names would annoy him more to hear than the other.
“I don’t want to kiss either of them,” you told him honestly.
“Assume you are being forced. Who would you choose?”
Worrying your lips between your teeth, you glanced over at the table in the corner, where the rest of the crows were laughing together. Matthias sat in the very back, Nina cuddled into his side, Inej in safe distance at his other side with Wylan and Jesper on the bench opposite them.
“Do I have to choose?”
“Yes,” Kaz’s answer came cooly and not without a hint of pleasure at your discomfort.
“Jesper,” you eventually decided, just in time looking back at Kaz to see his face fall. Jackpot.
“And who of the two are you more scared of?”
“Scared of?” You couldn’t help the laugh that slipped over your lips. “Why would I be scared of either of them?”
“Maybe you upset them? Broke Wylan’s favourite flute, or Jesper’s gun…”
The way Kaz was looking at you now reminded you of why people were so scared of him. There was something truly… demonic- in the way he was watching you now. You were his mark and his whole focus was on trying to find a way to bring you down. You just wished his whole focus would be on you even without trying to drive you into ruin.
“I mean, Jesper has his guns, but Wylan has his explosives,” you thought out loud. “So, I’m gonna go with Wylan on this.”
“Hm, not ideal,” Kaz told you, his eyes flickering from you over to the table with his friends. You had about an idea what he was going to bet you on, you just didn’t know who he would choose, Jesper or Wylan.
“Don’t stress yourself out,” you joked, trying to overplay your sudden nervousness. “You don’t have to come up with a masterplan for a simple game of betting.”
“Who would I be if I didn’t,” Kaz asked, turning back to you with a devilish grin that made a shiver run down your spine. Jup, Matthias’ nickname for Kaz was accurate indeed.
“Fine, hit me with all you’ve got,” you sighed, leaning a little closer than before as if conspiring with him. Instead of leaning away, as you had expected him to do, he leant closer, close enough for you to smell the whiskey on his breath.
“I bet you wouldn’t go over to Wylan and kiss him. On the mouth,” Kaz grinned diabolically.
Yeah, you had known he’d go for this as soon as he had asked the first question.
“That’s not a bet, that’s a dare,” you educated him, but got up from your chair anyway, Kaz’s eyes widening slightly. “What do I get if I win?”
“You won’t,” Kaz told you, his confident smile seeming frozen on his lips.
“Well, then what do you get if you win,” you asked, adjusting your shirt, turning to him expectedly.
“The pride of knowing you ruined your own bet,” Kaz decided.
“How chivalrous of you. I’ll take a coffee with winter spices from the café down the street as my prize, but the coffee with cream, the good one,” you told him, before turning away and walking over to the corner, where your friends were seated. All the way over you felt Kaz’s eyes on your back.
“Hey! Did you finally leave the resident rain cloud and decided to join the fun,” Jesper laughed as he spotted you approaching.
“Not quite. Hey Jes, remember our bet from before?”
Jesper nodded, his grin growing broader. “Am I winning?”
“You just might,” you told him. “But I’d have to kiss your boyfriend for that.”
Jesper stopped for a moment, as if he was thinking, then he looked up at where you were standing behind him, over to Kaz, to Wylan and back to Kaz.
“Oh, if it’s just for the bet, you’d have to ask Wylan, not me.” The grin was returning to Jesper’s face, and you had the sudden thought that he actually might be into you kissing Wylan. Oh saints, that man.
“I would ask him either way, you genius,” you sighed, “I just don’t want to get shot by you over a bet.”
“Fair enough,” Jesper agreed.
“So, Wylan, would you mind if I kissed you? No tongue or anything. It would help me win a bet against Kaz and possibly help Jesper win a bet against me.”
Wylan blinked for a few seconds, trying to process what you were asking, then his eyes skipped over to Jesper, who you saw nodding encouragingly from the corner of your eyes.
“I guess, it’s okay,” he nodded, making you smile.
“This shouldn’t be as hot as it is,” Jesper mumbled behind you.
“I’ll keep it short, I promise,” you told him, placing a hand on his shoulder and leaning down to come to level with him. His dark eyes flickered over your face and from this close up you could almost count the freckles that were sprinkled over his nose and cheeks. He definitely was cute. Not your type, but cute. You could understand why Jesper was so in love with him.
You closed your eyes, and leant forward, determined to get this over with as quickly as possible. But your lips had barely touched against Wylan’s, hadn’t even yet registered his warmth, when suddenly the others on the table gasped. It wasn’t the kind of ‘oh, they’re actually kissing!’-gasp, it was more of a shocked, if not even scared gasp. Before you could even try to make sense of it, something hard and pointy landed on your shoulder and you got yanked backwards.
“That’s enough,” Kaz’s icy voice cut like a blade through the noise of the Crow Club.
And without giving you the chance to properly stand up or let you look at him, he used the crow beak of his cane to drag you backwards. Instead of trying to figure out the various levels of amusement and terror on your friends’ faces, you twisted, trying to turn around to Kaz, who marched straight out of the Crow Club. In the dark, cold street outside, he walked a few more meters before he came to a halt and unhooked the cane from your shoulder.
“What was that about,” he almost shouted, his frame seeming taller and more dangerous than usually. Finding yourself on the bad side of Dirtyhands was not very pleasant, you realized, but also you didn’t understand what his problem was.
“What do you mean,” you asked, “you bet I wouldn’t do it, and I did. You lost, so what?”
“You kissed him!”
“Hardly! You stopped me before it was even a proper kiss. With that crow cane of yours.” Annoyed you rubbed the aching part of your shoulder, where the tip of the beak had bored into your muscle.
“You weren’t supposed to kiss him,” Kaz argued.
“You bet I wouldn’t. You have to expect people to win a bet by doing the opposite of what you want them to do. That’s how bets work!”
“I didn’t think you’d really do it! I thought you’d- or- I don’t know! I didn’t think you’d go through with it!”
“Why not? I told you, it’s a game. What’s so bad about wanting to win it?”
“I thought- I thought you wouldn’t kiss him, because you liked m-” Kaz stopped himself before the last word fully slipped over his lips, and turned away, exasperated. Running a shaking hand through his hair, he sighed. “You weren’t supposed to kiss him.”
“Kaz,” carefully you stepped closer behind him. His breath was irregular, and he was clearly upset and emotional. Under normal circumstances you would have placed your hand on his back, but knowing Kaz, you refrained. “Kaz, you do know it was a game, right? It didn’t mean anything. And- I only kissed Wylan because I though you wouldn’t mind.”
“Wouldn’t mind?” Kaz turned back around to you. “Of course I mind! Do you think I don’t wish I could be the one who-”
“Quick question!” Without warning the window beside Kaz and you got thrown open and Jesper poked his head outside. “Kaz are you jealous? And does that mean I won our bet?” The second part was directed at you.
“Not now, Jes,” you told the Zemini man and slammed the window shut again.
“Listen Kaz,” you took a step closer to Kaz, still leaving a safe distance between him and you to not upset him further. “If I had known it would upset you this much, I would have rejected the bet. I really was convinced you didn’t care about if or who I kissed. But now I know better, and it won’t happen again. And for the record. When you asked, who I wanted to kiss between Jesper and Wylan, my initial response would have been someone else entirely.”
You exchanged a long look with Kaz, one that left no doubt that you had meant him, even if you lacked the courage to put it into words.
After a few moments, Kaz bowed his head slightly.
“Sorry for lashing out,” he mumbled.
“Since when does Dirtyhands do apologies,” you teased, making Kaz groan.
“Don’t ruin it,” he threatened, making you laugh.
“Alright, alright. But now that we have that settled, does this mean I won a bet against you?”
“One,” Kaz emphasized. “I won’t make it so easy next time.”
“Why, what’s the next bet? Kissing Nina?”
“You won’t be kissing anyone,” Kaz grumbled, a blush beginning to rise into his cheeks.
“Not anyone? Not even the great Kaz Brekker?” It was bold, that was for certain, but you had hit bullseyes it seemed, as Kaz fought back the red on his cheeks and instead turned to you with an expression that probably was his attempt to threaten you. The thing with Kaz Brekker was that he was incapable of believably threatening the people he cared about.
“I might make an exception for him,” he mumbled, before turning to the door. “Let’s go back inside; it’s cold.”
Trying not to let your giddy excitement show, you followed Kaz back into the bar, but before he entered the main room, he stopped and turned to you.
“What was that bet you had going on with Jesper,” he asked with furrowed brows. You couldn’t help but notice that his body language had changed. Where before he always stood straight and with a certain distance to every person he encountered, he now seemed to be leaning more towards you as if trying to close a distance you knew he couldn’t. Not yet anyway.
“He bet, you would get jealous over me before the end of the month,” you admitted, watching Kaz tilt his head. “I was convinced it was impossible.”
Kaz’s jaw tensed, and his eyes met yours with an unspoken confession, but the moment was interrupted by a drunk guy stumbling through the door, bumping into you and apologizing terribly.
Kaz and you exchanged glances, your more amused than his annoyed one, before you walked back inside, getting hit by a wall of noise and the smell of alcohol. The others waved you over cheerfully, and when Kaz and you pulled your own chairs over to join them at their table, nobody mentioned the way Kaz rested his arm on the backrest of your chair or how he leant over to whisper in your ear that he hadn’t forgotten about the prize for you winning the bet but only under the condition that he got to accompany you to the café.
Grisha power wasn't specified, so I picked a random one. (and by picked I mean I literally added them to a spin-the-wheel thing and went with it).
Spoilers for Season Two of Shadow And Bone
warnings: Not proofread or edited, Nikolai being jealous, fluff at the end, more things that I have forgotten
You met Nikolai when he was still parading as Sturmhond, the witty privateer who was all about money and fun. You had been locked alone in the hull of a slaver's ship for longer than you could remember, wasting away without food, water or the ability to summon. Everything had been a blur, shouting, fighting, and then you were being unchained and helped upstairs. You remembered the first time stepping into the sun after that whole time, it burnt your eyes and you had to shield them with your arm.
You had met Sturmhond on his own boat, someone had laid you in a cot and forced you to drink water. Then, a man in teal had asked you your name, told you you were safe and would have a place on his crew if you wanted it. You had taken him up on it, there was always a space for a Squaller on his crew. Nikolai grew to trust you, and put his faith in you as he did Tamar and Tolya. Since then, you would follow Nikolai anywhere he asked.
That included helping him bring peace back to Ravka with the Sun summoner. You had been hesitant to leave your comfortable life with the crew of the Volkvolny, but you loved Nikolai, you would go with him to the ends of the earth. You and Nikolai had been dancing around feelings for each other for almost as long as you had known each other. Tolya was always teasing you about it, reciting cliché poetry and watching you and Nikolai exchange stolen glances. You were sure they were unrequited feelings, so you never acted on them.
It only got worse after returning to Ravka and meeting with the rest of Nikolai's allies at the Spinning wheel. You saw the way he looked at Alina, the hope that lit up his eyes, she was all he needed now. You tried your best not to be hurt about it, you knew loving a prince would only lead to pain. He would never be able to love you back, a commoner. So you volunteered to join Tolya to travel to Ketterdam. You were born and raised in Kerch, and you had the strongest language skills out of all of the party.
Nikolai hadn't spoken to you since announcing his engagement to the sun summoner, it felt like he was avoiding you. He finally approached you on the Hummingbird the day you agreed to leave.
"Y/N?"
You turned to find him leaning against the railings, watching you prepare the sails for the journey. "Moi Tsar."
Nikolai cringed, "Not yet."
You smiled, walking over to join him, "Does that mean I can still can you Sobachka?" You laughed, playfully shouldering him like you would do on the Volkvolny.
Nikolai rolled his eyes, "What is your obsession with that name?"
You enjoyed watching him squirm, making fun of him was too easy some days, "I like calling you Sobachka, makes me think of you like a little cute pup."
Tolya interrupted you both before Nikolai could answer, "We getting this show on the road?"
Nikolai took an extra look at you and the bright smile you sported, "Be safe," He ordered, returning to his Prince persona.
"We'll bring back Neshyenyer," You promised.
Returning to Kerch and meeting the crows felt like a fever dream. Somehow, you slotted into their ranks easily, quickly becoming fast friends. You grew to enjoy Kaz's company as much as the others, something about spending time with someone else from Kerch, who really understood. Besides, he was serious and unwavering and you kind of enjoyed someone who was as serious as you.
After the events in Shu-Han, you were having second thoughts about staying around in Ravka after the war. Nikolai had everything he needed now and Kaz had offered you a place with the Crows if you wanted it. The only thing that was keeping you in Ravka was Nikolai, but why stick around to love someone who would never love you?
You jogged along with Kaz, Wylan and Jesper, headed towards where Nikolai was rumoured to be. You followed Kaz's lead as he peeked over a wall, watching three Grisha rounded on Nikolai and his forces.
"Wylan," Kaz turned to the boy, "Grenade."
Wylan handed it over to him, everyone watching him light the fuse.
"Y/N?"
You nodded, stretching out your hands to summon wind to propel the grenade to your target. You all watched it make its mark, blowing The Darkling's Inferni back until she lay dead on the battlefield.
Nikolai looked to Tamar, "Where did that come from?"
Kaz stood proudly, declaring, "My Demolitions expert."
You stood to his right, just as proud to be joining the fray.
"Expert?" Wylan mumbled, looking at Kaz. You all looked at him as he corrected himself, "I mean, yes. Expert."
You and Jesper smiled, amused by his fake confidence.
You all took a step forward, sliding down the shingled roof and dropping down the wall. You used your small science to soften everyone's fall, allowing you all to rush towards the gates. Jesper quickly worked on the rust that bound the gates closed, leading Wylan to the barricade Tamar, Nadia and Adrick hiding behind. You and Kaz headed opposite them, where Nikolai was crouched.
As you both rushed over, Kaz muttered, "What nightmare have we gotten ourselves into."
Jesper looked over at your group, "Why's Sturmhond here?"
Tamar frowned at him.
"Round here he goes by Nikolai."
"Nikolai Lantsov," Jesper realized, looking over to the man in question. Nikolai shrugged, you couldn't help the chuckle at Jesper's annoyed expression.
"All this time, close personal friend," He spun his pistols into his hands, preparing for a fight.
Nadia and Tamar looked about as confused as could be, "And you are?" Tamar pressed.
Wylan was tucked behind Jesper, his hand resting on his back, "You must be Tamar." He answered, "We came with your brother."
That didn't seem to make the woman any less confused, but she didn't press it any further.
You all watched the Darklings Squaller and Tide Maker rise to attack again. The tide maker raised her hands, drawing water from the sky to draw her attack. Jesper sprung into action first, followed by Adrick and Nadia who came to his support. Watching Jesper shoot would always entrance you, he was such a great shot, aided by his Durast abilities.
You were about to stand and join the fight when Nikolai stopped you, "Did you get Neshyenyer?"
You nodded, "Zoya, Nina and Inej are finding Alina, they'll get to her."
Nikolai nodded in relief, as you looked him over you realized there was blood staining his jacket.
You pressed your fingers to the blood, "Are you hurt?"
Nikolai followed your gaze to where your hand rested on the stain, "it's- It's not mine."
You looked up at him, seeing the pain in his eyes. You would ask more later, for now, there were more pressing matters than those you'd lost.
Jesper finished his attack on the Tidemaker with the buttons on his waistcoat, lashing out and turning them into their tiny blades. As you looked past Nikolai you watched the Squaler draw lightning to his palms, it crackled and hissed as he tried to amass it.
Kaz nudged you with his crow's head cane, handing it over for you to use as a conductor. You quickly jumped to your feet, rushing to Jesper's side and using Kaz's cane and your powers to channel the electricity. Lightning was notoriously unstable, It didn't react well to being controlled. You threw your hands up, forcing the lighting to connect the two of you through Kaz's cane, then expelling the power back into the storm clouds it came from. The more lightning the Squaller summoned, the harder you worked to draw it away. Eventually, he ceased, knowing he could not lash out with the electricity you too controlled.
"I have Datura Meloxia!" Wylan shouted.
"Wylan! Now."
The boy uncapped the vile, calling for Adrick and Nadia to help him propel the powder, "Air support!"
You and Jesper ducked to avoid the powder being swept into Grisha's face, watching him stumble around in glazed confusion before Tamar sent her axe into his head.
As the Tidemaker tried to fight back one last time, she realized just how effective Jesper's attack had been. Screaming at the realization her fingers were gone. Nikolai was appearing to the side, raising his pistol and firing one last bullet, taking down the final one of the darklings Grisha.
"It's done."
You and Jesper both let out matching sighs of relief. He bent over to retrieve his pistol, then dramatically threw his arm around your shoulders to pull you into a side hug.
"Thanks for that, gorgeous."
You smiled, "My pleasure, Handsome."
You joined Kaz and Nikolai, the two of them eyeing each other. You retrieved Kaz's cane from the mud, handing it over to him with a triumphant smile, "I believe this belongs to you, Brekker."
Kaz took it from you, twisting it in his hand as he admired the crow's head.
Nikolai looked from you to the man who you were grinning at, suddenly less pleased to see Brekker, "I didn't realize you were patriots."
"Well if you die, we don't get paid," Kaz said like it was the most straightforward answer. You couldn't help but laugh, after the stress of the fight and Kaz's arid sense of humour, you needed it.
Nikolai was sure he could listen to you laugh every minute of every day and never get sick of it. He hadn't heard it enough in the last few weeks, and it pained him. He longed for the evenings on the Volkvolny when the crew would laugh and drink without the looming threat of death and destruction.
Everyone smiled when Tolya appeared, pulling his sister in a crushing hug. Nikolai looked around his gathered allies.
"We have to find Alina. If Kirigan brought the fight here, he's gunning for her."
Tolya nodded, "I've cleared us a way into the fort. Come on."
You fell into step with Nikolai at the back of the group, his unofficial bodyguard for the fight you were about to delve back into. Nikolai couldn't help but spare you glances, you looked tired, the lightning summoning had worn you out. He wanted to stop, allow you to rest, and bring back the bright smile you almost always wore. He knew better, though, just plotting along silently beside your group.
You sat next to Tamar as everyone took a much-deserved breather.
"A moment of sun before we deal with out losses," Nikolai sighed, glancing over the wounded and dying that lay on the grass, "Dominik..."
Tamar comforted her friend quickly, "He did exactly what any of us would have done for each other."
"For you," You added, leaning over and grabbing Nikolai's hand. He glanced down at your clasped hands, giving a small squeeze as thanks.
You all looked up as Alina, Inej, Nina and Mal walked over the hill. Nina stayed by the wounded while Inej and Alina exchanged a few quick words. Alina chased after Mal, leaving Inej to inform the group.
Nikolai thanked the crows for their help, he took Tolya's arm and headed away to address the consequences. You were about to join when Kaz called your name.
You turned to the man, a small frown on your face, "Yes?"
"If you ever feel like coming back to Ketterdam," He spoke, "We would welcome a crow with your abilities."
Jesper and Inej both nodded, showing their support.
You couldn't help the smile that grew, "I'll think about it." You promised, taking your leave to follow after Nikolai and the others.
When you met up with Nikolai, he wouldn't meet your gaze. Looking at everyone else but you. He made preparations for the Darkling to be burned on a pyre, leading all of his most trusted allies to join him. It was strange, that it was all over. There was no more fold, no more bickering or fighting between otkazat'sya and Grisha, it was an entirely new beginning.
You wanted to stand by Nikolai as he addressed your small group, but there was something off about him. He still had yet to make eye contact with you, ignoring your small gestures of comfort. Eventually, you gave up, coming to stand next to Nina behind Alina.
As Nikolai finished his speech, Kaz led his crows away. Nina looked at you, knowing you needed the support. She took your hand, leading you away from the flames with the rest of the crows.
The gathered forces were celebrating as you all exited the sand that was once the fold. Offering all of you drinks and food. You couldn't find the energy to join the festivities, brushing off friends and fellow Grisha to find a quieter space.
You found yourself wandering until you reached the roof of the compound, finding a perch on the edge of a wall looking over the land around the compound.
You let out a quiet gasp in fright when Nikolai appeared at your side.
He quickly grabbed your arm, "Don't fall."
You smiled, "I won't. Probably."
Nikolai chuckled, joining you on the ledge. You were struck by how many times you would sit together like this on the Volkvolny.
"Shouldn't you go find a healer?" You asked, gesturing to the bandages wrapped around his leg.
Nikolai shrugged, "I needed to talk to you first."
You looked away, "About?"
Nikolai was staring at the horizon, clearly also struggling to find the courage to talk. Something had changed between you two for sure.
"What did Brekker say," Nikolai finally spoke after a long silence between you.
You glanced at him, the afternoon sun was illuminating his face. His hair was still cleanly combed back, neatly styled to make him look regal. His cheek was still bruised, the only thing that made him look like the Sturmhond you knew.
"He said if I ever wanted to go home, I had a place with the crows."
Nikolai nodded, "Home to Ketterdam?"
Nikolai knew how much you missed Kerch, you grew up in the countryside on a farm with your siblings. You had stopped in Ketterdam once or twice with the Volkvolny crew, but it wasn't the same as going back to live there.
"I know it sounds crazy," You fiddled with your hands, "I never thought it would be possible to go back, maybe now..."
Nikolai could relate to that, he never felt entirely at home in the Grand Palace, and he didn't think it would ever be possible to. Now he would rule there.
"When are you and Alina leaving for Os Alta?"
"Tomorrow," Nikolai replied, "Tamar and Tolya are taking over captainship of the Volkvolny."
You hummed, "I'm sure they're excited about that, Tolya can stop for all the snacks he wants."
Nikolai laughed, a carefree laugh that made you smile too.
You both sat in peaceful silence for a while, listening to the celebrations going on under your feet. You felt like there was something more to say like you both wanted the other to confess the feelings you shared.
You kept coming back to the fact Nikolai and Alina were engaged. You knew that it wasn't a love match, Alina loved Mal. But even so, they would be tied together for as long as it took for Ravka to rebuild. You were being childish if you thought you and Nikolai could be anything other than friends. And so you were thinking more and more about returning to Ketterdam, joining the crows. Leaving Nikolai would hurt, but it would hurt more watching Nikolai with Alina.
You eventually came to the conclusion there was nothing more you could say, Nikolai clearly did not share your feelings. You cleared your throat, stretching casually and then getting to your feet.
"They're probably missing us," You said, trying to hide your disappointment.
Nikolai didn't respond, staring out at the horizon a while longer.
"You should stay."
You almost didn't hear it, already a few steps away from Nikolai. You turned to face him, "What?"
Nikolai got to his feet and stood before you, giving you his full attention for the first time since leaving the Volkvolny.
"I want you to stay."
You struggled to find any words, gaping at the man before you.
Nikolai kept talking, "I know that I can't ask this of you, I know I Shouldn't. But seeing you with Brekker, the thought of you going to Ketterdam with him-"
Nikolai stopped when you giggled. He frowned at you, "What?"
"Nothing," You giggled.
Nikolai grabbed your hand, "What? Why are you laughing?"
You stifled your laugh, "Are you jealous of Kaz?"
Nikolai faked being offended, "Me? Jealous?"
"Oh, you so are," You cackled, getting a lot of amusement out of watching the Tsar squirm, "Nikolai Lantsov with his damnably handsome looks is jealous?"
Nikolai dropped your hand and threw his hands up in exasperation, "You are the worst."
You grinned, then remembered what he had asked. "Do you really want me to stay?"
Nikolai looked serious again, "I do. I want you to stay with me, by my side."
"But you're engaged to Alina."
Nikolai seemed to realize at the same time you did, he nodded solemnly, "We couldn't be anything to each other in public. At least, not until Alina and I end our engagement."
"You'll end your engagement?"
"It was always the plan," Nikolai explained, "She loves Mal. I love you. It's just for political-"
"You love me?" You cried before you could stop yourself.
Nikolai's face flushed, he scratched his neck sheepishly, "Yes."
"Well," You reached out and took his face in your hands, cupping his cheeks gently, "Aren't you lucky I love you too."
Nikolai's face burst into a cocky grin. He grabbed your waist, firmly holding onto you and dragging you closer to him. He reached one hand u to cup your cheek, guiding a thumb over your cheekbone tenderly.
"I can't believe you were jealous of Kaz," You teased, drunk on the feeling of being so close to Nikolai.
"Shut up," Nikolai scoffed, he leaned in and captured your lips in a kiss. He pulled you even closer until you were flush with his chest. You brought your hands to the back of his neck, twisting your fingers into his hair. You couldn't help but feel relief, the feeling of it washed over you. You had spent the last few days worrying about where you stood. This answered that gnawing fear, Nikolai felt the same.
Nikolai pulled away, pressing his forehead to yours. His arms wound around your waist, holding you close while he stared into your eyes.
Your face was flushed and you were breathless, "I have been waiting years for you to do that."
Nikolai smiled, "I've been wanting to do that for years."
You knew this wouldn't be the end of this discussion, about him and Alina. But for now, you were happy to follow him to Os Alta, to know he felt the same way. That would be enough for now.
hii! i was wondering if you could do a zoya nazyalensky x fem!reader where reader and zoya are dating for like, 6 months, and reader is zoya's little soft spot
like, she's a really sweet small girl, adorable and cute, really kind with everyone, and zoya just loves this stuff about her, even though she probably would be annoyed if it were anyone else
anyway, they're in the little palace when readers ex returns from a really long mission, and this ex is a really toxic person that used to make reader feel like she's no good for anyone and manipulate her all the time
i really would like to see how zoya (who knows about their relationship) would act around it and i think she would be really protective
well, thanks anyway i hope you feel good about writing this <3
a/n: omg i love this idea so much! i could never think of a plot to write for zoya and this is exactly what i was looking for so i hope you enjoy <3 i'm so sorry this has taken so long to come out.
warnings: implications of toxic relationships, mentions of injury/death/etc
gn reader
Right Here - Zoya Nazyalensky
The past few months have been nothing but bliss.
Well, as much as they can be with a war going on. Between the fighting and training and missions into the Fold, your life has become peaceful and you're more content than you ever have been. Days have felt easier. Smiling comes more naturally. Saints, you've begun to enjoy donning your kefta again.
The reason for that, for all the happiness, stirs beneath you now, making a soft humming sound in her throat as she wakes up from her doze.
"Afternoon, Zoya," you murmur, eyes still shut as your head rests on her chest which rises up and down so very soothingly. "Sweet dreams?"
Her body tenses for a moment as she stretches, and a yawn parts her lips. "I suppose if you count beheading some volcra as nice."
You breathe a laugh, opening your eyes and propping yourself up on an elbow to look at her.
Zoya's dark hair is mussed slightly, the strands threading between bright green blades of grass like rivers of ink. Though groggy, her blue eyes are bright and becoming more alert the longer they stay open, framed by thick lashes and smooth skin that seems to glow in the sunlight. She yawns again before shaking off her sleepy daze.
"You're an awfully comfortable pillow," you say with a smile. "Might hire you."
His lips tug in that almost-sly smile of hers, and her eyes glitter like sapphires. "Long as I get paid."
"And what would your payment be?"
She leans up, pressing a chaste kiss to your lips before sprawling out on the grass again, hand on your cheek. It's warm and comforting, and your face presses gently into her palm.
"A few dozen kisses, perhaps."
With a grin, you kiss her once, twice, three times on the lips, before holding her face and peppering them over her cheeks and forehead and nose, drawing soft laughs out of her. When you stop, she's still laughing, and the sound makes you feel fulfilled, proud.
"Do you hear the birds, (name)?" she asks. Her eyes are fixed on the sky and trees above, flickering between branches. "They sing for you."
You settle down on your back beside her, taking her hand in yours and playing with her fingers. She doesn't stop you, relaxing her hand and humming softly.
"I do."
Your eyes shut for a moment, listening to the sweet warbling songs and trying to figure out their tune, their purpose. Perhaps they sing for love or friendship, nostalgia or happiness. The melodies resonate in your bones, echoing and drawing you in until all you can hear is the birds and the soft breathing of your girlfriend.
And pounding hooves.
All of a sudden, the sound becomes deafening, thundering through the ground beneath you. You and Zoya both sit, shocked and a little disorientated, looking for the source. For a moment, you're worried that something is wrong - there's no reason for so many horses sounding - but you relax a little when you see the source.
A little ways away in the courtyard of the Little Palace, a dozen riders in red, blue, and purple keftas appear, dismounting swiftly. Two break off and hurry inside, likely to report to the Darkling, while the rest stay behind to untack the horses.
It's when you see his face, so distant, that it feels like things go wrong.
Whenever you see him, it's like your mind spirals, dragging you down a whirlpool and holding your head beneath the fluid memories that still haunt you. The shouting, the cruel words, the manipulation. You hadn't been able to see it back then, but it's all you see now whenever he appears.
"Deva's back," Zoya all but snarls. "That's unfortunate. I'd been hoping a Fjerdan would've killed him."
With a comment like that, you usually would've laughed, but it's as if you're stuck in time now, replaying everything the man - the boy - you once thought you'd loved has ever said to you.
Zoya's hand closes around yours, squeezing gently so as to remind you that she's there.
It had been her that had gotten you out of the relationship and brought you to reason. After years of friendship, she could read you as easily as a book and knew immediately that things weren't right. The little walks you'd take were being skipped. You weren't consistently going to dinner. You were beginning to look like a shell of yourself, much like how a Grisha suppressing their powers does. Sickly. Sad. Withdrawn.
She reached her peak when you told her you couldn't be friends anymore. As if reading your mind, she had known that it wasn't your wish. Saints, it was the complete opposite, but it was what Deva had told - no, ordered - you to do. He had given you ultimatums more times than you could count, making you choose between him and other things, becoming angry when you tried to refuse. Part of you complied out of the love you thought you had for him. Part of you did it out of fear. A Heartrender was not a good kind of Grisha to enrage, and you were terrified.
You'll never forget the way she had told you, so tenderly, to stay in her room and wait while she went to go speak with Deva. Further, you'll never forget her saying, He'll never bother you again, an hour later, and the fact that she was right. That day onwards, he never spoke to you. He barely even threw a glance your way if Zoya was with you.
A Heartrender may be scary, but Zoya Nazyalensky could be worse, and she wasn't hesitant about it. In fact, most of the time, she's standoffish and rude to everyone but you.
You're my soft spot, she had once told you, and you still believe her now. Her hand holds yours so gently while her eyes blaze with firey anger as she glares across the grass and courtyard at the boy who had hurt you so. Her jaw is set, and you're sure you can hear her teeth grind against each other, but when she glances at you, her expression softens into a reassuring smile.
"You okay?" she asks, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.
You nod, but you're not entirely sure. It happens every time you see him, the memories, and although they're easier to cope with, they're still hard to relive.
The Saints had granted you a few months of reprieve. Deva, along with eleven other Grisha, had been sent on a mission by the Darkling in Fjerda, disposing of drüskelle and other Fjerdan soldiers on the border while finding out as much information about their battle plans as they could. Methods apparently had never been disclosed, and you dread to think of what those men and women possibly did. The blood that stains their hands.
Being a Healer, you're never really sent anywhere other than to heal people, so you can confidently say your hands are fairly clean. Zoya, well, she's killed, but she's never tortured. Not like this group. Not like Deva. These are the Darkling's lackeys, the worst of the worst. You're eternally glad that Zoya broke off her support for it all when it started intensifying past finding out information.
You feel Deva looking at him now, thinking of the things he might have done and the people he has killed. Yes, Ravka and Fjerda are at war with each other, but you couldn't ever justify mutilating somebody for a cause.
"Hey." Zoya's voice grabs your attention. "Look at me."
After a moment, you tear your gaze from the riders and back to her, taking a deep breath as she grasps your other hand slightly.
"Listen to the birds," she says. "Listen to them sing, and look at me. Forget everything else."
And you do. You fall into the comfort of those beautiful, startlingly blue eyes. She sways gently as the birds twitter away, humming her own little song, and smiling at you with so much love that it confuses you. How could anyone ever love you so much? What have you done to deserve it?
Love is not a thing that needs to be deserved, she would tell you if you asked. It is not earned, it is given. It is handed over with trust and adoration and only wishes for love in return.
Her lips brush your forehead, kissing it softly as she says, "You're okay. I'm right here."
Hey can you do Nikolai Lantsov x reader? They are married because of politics. She( reader) didn’t want to marry Nikolai because she was in love with other man. Now she is pregnant but they are still pretty distant and the man she was in love with arrives in palace. Nikolai gets jealous and reckless due this gets injured and the reader gets worried. They both figure out that they have feelings for each other. Hope you could understand, English isn’t my native language😅 thanks
nikolai my fave (also love that i FINALLY get a gif of this man)
masterlist
You are staring out at the grounds of Ravka’s Grand Palace, with all the world rolling out before you, and all you can think about is that you’ve never felt more alone than this. Technically, you’re surrounded by a multitude of people- royal guards at the door, servants waiting in the halls, and your husband, one room over.
Your husband.
Saints.
It’s not that you’d never pictured yourself wed. Your father is one of the strongest military men in West Ravka, you knew that at some point you’d find yourself in some sort of marriage contract. You just hadn’t imagined that this husband of yours would end up being Nikolai Lantsov, king of Ravka.
Nikolai is a good man. At least you can be assured of that. He looks out for you, makes your stay as easy as possible, and doesn’t treat you like a porcelain doll who should stay propped up in the shadows like your father had. In fact, he’s even allowed you to have your own room, although that might be less for the safety of not having to share a room than the fact that Nikolai has secrets that he’d like to keep.
Regardless of this, of everything Nikolai has done to make this feel less like a treaty and more like a mutual agreement, you still can’t convince yourself to feel anything towards him other than apathy. It’s not his fault, of course, it just so happens that you were in love with somebody long before it was announced that you would be marrying Nikolai.
You knew that there was no chance you would ever marry for love. Political power is too important to your father, he’d never give you up without getting something in return. Yet some part of you had dared to hope that there would be a future involving the one you love. It’s a shame that you’ve seen that dream crushed before your eyes, beaten to death by your own signature on a wedding certificate to another.
And this, precisely, is the problem. No matter how hard Nikolai tries to make everything perfect (and you have to hand it to him, he really does try), he won’t be your Pyotr. No one is. Sometimes, you wish you could forget everything about the life you once led, and fully embrace your future in Ravka as the queen. There is no going back, so it’s not like any amount of pining will do you any good.
However, it is rarely as easy to shut off one’s heart as you would like. So, you remain by yourself, pacing back and forth across the grounds or in your private quarters as if you could walk far enough to return to Pyotr if you tried hard enough.
There’s a knock at your door, distracting you from your reverie. You take one last moment to treasure being alone, then go to it. Nikolai waits for you on the other side, dressed in his usual olive drabs. The two of you are holding court today, and you’ll arrive together. It’s a show of power, a promise of a unified Ravka. East and West, both side by side in a perfect display.
Nikolai nods at your dress, the crisp olive detailing around the edges of your sleeves and hemlines. “So we’re matching now?”
A half smile tugs your lips up before you can stop yourself. “I hear it’s all the rage. We have to look like we’re together, right?”
He takes a half second to glance from the wedding band on your finger to the circlet on your head, one quite similar in design to the crown nestled amongst his own blond curls. “I don’t know how they’d get the idea anywhere else.”
You arch a brow. “Careful, moi tsar, we’re supposed to be doting on each other. I don’t remember snippy comebacks being a part of the royal lexicon.”
Nikolai smirks, taking your hand and pressing a kiss to your fingers. “We’ll have to rewrite it, then. Exchanging snippy comebacks happens to be one of my favorite parts of the day.”
You chuckle, and Nikolai seems rather pleased with himself. “I’m glad you find such joy in conversation. I, on the other hand, find it while holding court in the throne room, which we’re supposed to be doing right now.”
Nikolai looks as if he’s going to roll his eyes, but manages to restrain himself, starting to lead you back down the hall instead. “Ah, of course. Nothing makes my day like negotiations.”
You allow yourself a small smile. “And the petty complaints of nobles, of course. I adore that.”
Nikolai laughs. You have the sudden, fleeting thought that he has one of the nicest laughs you know. It feels as if every commander or courtier here only laughs to earn the favor of the king, always forcing a guffaw or two before diverting the conversation back to favorable topics, like lowering their taxes or giving them more land. Nikolai, however, laughs like he means it, even when it’s just at a silly joke of yours. It’s one of the things that has won you over the most.
“I couldn’t agree more. I hope that means that you’ll be willing to take my place in some of these estate disputes, seeing as you’re so enamored of them-”
You cut him off hastily. “Oh, I couldn’t steal that from you. They’re just such a delight, you know? I would never want to deprive you of that experience.”
Nikolai’s eyes twinkle. “I appreciate your generosity, moya tsaritsa.”
He looks as if he wants to say more, perhaps continue on the battle of wits, but the two of you have arrived at the great double doors to the throne room and you have to stop for now. Nikolai straightens his shoulders, calling on the facade of a confident king like it’s a mantle to be placed around him. You do the same as best you can, although it never seems to come as easily to you as it does your blond consort. To be fair, though, he has had considerably more time to get it right.
The morning passes in a haze of discussions and resolutions. Contrary to popular belief, most of a monarch’s time is spent arguing fruitlessly with the most obstinate nobles you’ve ever met. After a few hours of it, you’re ready for a break.
Perhaps Nikolai can see it, or perhaps he’s just exhausted too, because after one particularly long debate, he claps his hands together. “I believe we have some new arrivals to the palace. I have appointed new diplomats to the Wandering Isles and Novyi Zem, and I’ve called them here to speak with them before they go.”
You nod, leaning over to whisper to Nikolai so no one can hear. “Remind me of their names again?”
Nikolai whispers back in a voice just loud enough to carry between the two of you. “Dmitri Seitz, Miljan Petrov, Liliya Klima, and Pyotr Soloviev.”
Your heart stops beating just as the group of diplomats enters the throne room. It cannot be. Yet in the back of the group, you see Pyotr. Your Pyotr. His eyes flash up to yours, and for a moment you swear that the entire room tunnels until it’s just the two of you looking at each other.
Then Nikolai calmly lays a hand on your arm, and you’re forced back to reality. “Is everything alright, Y/N? It’s been a long morning. I can handle the diplomats if you want to go back to your chambers.”
You shake your head distractedly. “No, I’m fine.”
Nikolai looks at you a second too long, as if he doesn’t quite believe you, but the diplomats have already been announced to the room and he has to continue. He gives quite a nice little speech about the importance of their mission and how grateful Ravka is for the diplomats’ support before rising from his throne to greet the diplomats personally, without the shelter of the kingship to keep them apart.
You stand as well, crossing the room at Nikolai’s side. You shake hands with the others until you reach Pyotr, and then you just stand still, looking at him. It’s been scarcely a few months since you left home, but he already seems so different. His eyes rove your face as if he’s seeing someone he’s long given up on finding again.
“Y/N.”
The name is scarcely a breath on his lips, but you want to hear it again and again.
“I missed you, Pyotr. I-”
The words dry up on your tongue. You didn’t know he would be here, but Saints, you’re so glad he’s with you again. There are a thousand things you want to say, everything that didn’t fit in your letters, but you can already feel the suspicious eyes of the court upon you. Everyone from servants to generals wants something on the queen, and lingering too long with any one man when you’re already married is like sealing your future away in a haze of judgment.
So, you force yourself to smile and move on. You promise yourself that you’ll find him again, anything to keep yourself from running back to Pyotr. The diplomats will be in the palace for a few weeks before leaving for their respective posts, long enough to receive training on what information they should be finding out and which talking points they should definitely avoid.
You were hoping that you were able to act normally, but once you and Nikolai are away from the throne rooms and back in the relative security of a private sitting room, he turns to you with concern in his eyes.
“Has something gone wrong? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.”
You look up with a guilty start at his words. “Do I look that uneasy? I was hoping no one would notice.”
Nikolai shakes his head to clear up your doubt. “No, I don’t think anyone noticed but me. What is it, then?”
You don’t trust yourself to speak at first, but stand, walking across the room to distract yourself with the fire blazing in a wrought iron hearth. “I told you that I loved somebody before I married you. I didn’t think I would ever see him again, but he’s here. He’s one of the diplomats.”
When you dare to look over at Nikolai again, he looks as if you’ve betrayed him at gunpoint, all widened eyes and dawning realizations. You can’t blame him for his surprise- you never told Nikolai the name of your lover. No matter how much you trust him, secrets have a way of being spilled, and you knew the only way to keep Pyotr truly safe would be to keep him in the sacred walls of your heart and your heart alone.
Nikolai swallows harshly. “Alright. So he’s here now, in the palace.”
You find yourself almost afraid of what he’s going to say next. “What does that mean for you?”
Nikolai runs a shaky hand through his hair, mussing up his curls. It might be the one time you’ve seen him as anything other than in a perfectly manicured state of mind and body. “Well, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think. I knew we weren’t married for anything other than politics, but knowing that the man you truly love is here within the walls of his palace does put a damper on things.”
You wince. “I know that, but I’m still dedicated to this marriage. I’m not going to do anything that would cause either of us pain.”
Nikolai grimaces. “I am, of course, grateful to hear that, but no offense, it isn’t a great guarantee. If anyone in this palace were to have even an inkling that you once loved this man, the rumors would be atrocious. They could lie about all sorts of things, Y/N, imply that you’re an adulteress or that you’re slipping him national secrets. I can’t have that sort of talk even remotely connected to you. It would destroy both of us.”
You nod slowly. “I won’t speak to him unless absolutely necessary. It’ll be as if I never knew him at all.”
Looking at Nikolai, though, you’re not sure that either of you believe it.
It is hard, knowing that your Pyotr is within walking distance and you can’t see him at all. You speak to him at diplomatic functions, but always make sure to spend the same amount of time with him as anyone else. He understands, you’re sure of that, but something about looking up from a conversation with Pyotr to see Nikolai’s gaze burning a brand into your back makes you feel as if you’re committing a crime.
Nikolai. Something about learning about what Pyotr means to you seems to have driven a white-hot poker under his skin. He seems far faster to a temper than you’ve ever seen him, and he walks around the palace as if hoping for something to cross him. He’s never angry with you, not once, but he seems on the edge of furious with just about everyone else.
When the opportunity comes up for Nikolai and a group of other First and Second Army soldiers to investigate a supposed Fjerdan military presence a few miles in from the Ravkan border, you’re almost grateful for it. Having the time to get outside the walls of the city, to run about and potentially fight someone, will give Nikolai a chance to clear his head. When he comes back, he’ll be better. You’re sure of it.
The mission is only supposed to take a few days, so you continue on ruling in his absence. The funny thing is, despite the fact that you know full well Nikolai isn’t there, you keep looking for him, glancing over your shoulder to talk to him even though you’re only greeted with the sight of an empty room. Multiple times, you think of the perfect sly retort, but the too-clever fox is gone and has no ears to hear you by. Every time, you swallow back that part of yourself, reverted back into a silence that somehow hurts more than anything you’ve felt before.
When three days have passed and you see a few of the soldiers from Nikolai’s mission striding towards you in the hall, you’re grateful for it. Finally, he’s back. You have much to speak about. However, their steps are rushed and harried, and their eyes are filled with panic.
You frown when they reach you. “What’s the matter?”
Only one of them seems able to speak, the other forced to simply shake his head over and over. “There was a skirmish, bigger than we thought. The King saved our lives, but-”
The soldier pauses for a moment to catch her breath, and you feel your insides slowly turn to ice. “But what? What happened?”
She twists her hands slightly, then continues. “He was shot multiple times. We brought him back so the Healers can do their work, but it’s a difficult situation. No one else knows.”
You know what this means without her having to explain. No one can know that the Ravkan king is being treated for serious injuries, because Fjerda and Shu Han would pounce before you even got the chance to make it over to Nikolai’s side.
So, you just nod, and force your expression to remain neutral. “Take me to him. Now.”
Your head is swimming the entire walk over. In all this time, you’ve never had to even think about being separated from Nikolai for longer than a week or two at most. Knowing that he’s hurt, that there are Grisha Corporalki huddling over his body to keep him alive, seems almost impossible.
You’re led to the door of the Healer’s room and told to wait for a few moments until the Healers are ready to receive another person. In this moment, listening to the sounds of frenzied activity and knowing that it’s all to do with Nikolai bleeding out, you realize something. You cannot survive this if Nikolai does not live. This is a loss that you cannot take.
You thought you knew what missing someone was like when you first left Pyotr, but this is worse. You know what it’s like to live without Pyotr, you do it everyday, but you cannot be without Nikolai. You know this as surely as you know your own heartbeat, as confident as the stride of your own two feet. You cannot return to a world without your husband beside you.
When the Healers open the door, you practically fly to his side. Nikolai looks pale, but the Healers are straightening up, wiping the blood off of their hands and telling you that he’ll be alright. You manage to ask them for a moment alone, and barely hear the door close behind him.
All you can think about is Nikolai, lying there in front of you. Your hands are clasped around his; you’re not sure when that happened, but you don’t know that you have the strength to remove them. Slowly, painfully slowly, he opens his eyes.
“No need to look so worried, love. I’m alright.”
You let out a shaky breath. “I don’t know if I could stop worrying if I tried. I thought I was going to lose you, Nikolai.”
He smiles, his mouth a bright slash against his skin. “It’s very sweet for you to care about me.”
You smile in return, although it’s hard. “I do more than just care about you.”
His eyes spark with something that almost looks like hope. “I’m going to need you to say what’s on your mind, Y/N. I think we both need to hear it.”
You laugh without meaning to do so. It keeps happening around Nikolai, doesn’t it? “I care about you, I love you, and I need you to stop bleeding out when I can’t do anything about it. It’s not good for my stress levels.”
Nikolai’s eyes flicker shut as he grins. “I love you too, moya tsaritsa. And although I hate to contribute to your stress levels, hearing you say that you love me is doing excellent things for my wounds.”
You swat him gently on the shoulder, and when he opens his mouth to complain, you kiss it shut. His smirk when you finally break free is glorious. “I think that helps with the healing process the most, actually. You should probably do it again, just to be sure.”
You raise an eyebrow. “Just to be sure, huh?”
He’s joking, you know that, but you can’t resist kissing him again anyway. You are happy, your husband is safe, and you’ve got the rest of the world waiting in the wings. You can afford to kiss him as many times as you want.
grishaverse tag list: @rogueanschel, @deadreaderssociety, @cameronsails, @aleksanderwh0r3, @story-scribbler, @lxncelot, @thatfangirl42
