Discover Top Posts Tagged with #sad mostly

My mom occasionally sending me those sparkly "to my daughter you're so strong I love you forever" Facebook posts when I was closeted was one thing. Like okay, yeah, the constant reminders of how I'm seen are a little uncomfortable, but whatever, she means well, it's kind of cute.

Getting one several years after coming out as a trans man and having multiple conversations about it? It uh

It hits a little different.

#thanks for the reminder that 'love' and 'respect' don't necessarily go hand in hand i guess #file: storm has thoughts #...a great deal of them actually but I'm too exhausted to articulate any of them rn #i'm not even angry about shit like this these days i'm just #sad mostly

So currently all my fandoms are really sad so I can't even escape from one to the other.

someone else doing andor brackets of nonsense makes me feel........ways......

#sad mostly

I hate the way fate grand order makes me feel.

#sad mostly #pathetic a lot of the time #zac plays games #fate grand order #m

Ramblings about family issues and figuring stuff out

I had a meltdown yesterday because stuff here at home has been boiling and phtphtphthhth

And though I deleted my post it feels like I owe an apology. Not to anyone here because they weren’t treated badly. But I sad some bad things about myself. And there was this post I read that had asked “would you talk to your friends the way you talk to yourself” and of course you wouldn’t. Yet it’s so easy to put yourself down.

I didn’t want to leave that post up because I would read it daily and start believing the awful things I said about myself.

A lot of stuff has been going on with my family and I tend to be vague about my problems because who wants to know about that? I get embarrassed and it feels awkward. A part of me thinks “You’re just saying this stuff to guilt people into feeling sorry for you, its all for attention” it gets frustrating trying to figure out what can be a healthy outlet. I don’t want to angry blog all the time, I dunno.

It’s easy to post here because I’m not addressing anyone in particular, but I’m also being vulnerable to strangers as much as I am for friends. And it makes me feel judged. It might not be true but feelings, you know? They just happen.

And I’m super lonely yet I’m also scared to open up to friends. Yet its cool to bare all in public. Where’s the logic in that? Even after I write up a personal post it leaves me feeling more confused and unfulfilled than before.

You know how terrible things happen in your life, and it seems like they won’t stop? And it also feels like you won’t make it to the other side, or other thoughts like you deserve this as punishment or whatever? It makes it hard to think on the positive side of things. It makes it hard to talk to friends one on one because all these fears and insecurities are constantly on my mind, and it’s all I think or talk about. Or like, some days I’m okay for a while but then my mood tanks and it makes me look so fake.

I know things will pass, but right now I feel like crap. And riding through all these feelings gets overwhelming.

On my old blog I had made a post about visiting my dad in Mexico. And it will be two years since that visit. My mom and I hadn’t seen him in 15+ years and we all quietly, sadly, accepted the fact that we won’t see him again.All those years were spent tying to find legal aid but it was all scams and we barely have enough money to send to him so he can buy food.

It makes me angry how people out there can easily say “send them back and make them come here legally” a lot of places in Mexico are piss poor. It costs money, tons of money, to do things legally. For my mom and I, who live in the states, born in the states, people had us paying out of our nose and jumping through hoops. And in the end to be told “sorry we can’t do this” (and for the record? My dad was legal but immigration took him away anyhow. The man in charge of taking him said “I will make sure you never see your family again”)

It’s unfair and cruel. And it makes me so angry and helpless.

We’re all feeling angry and helpless. My dad has gone back to drinking and would call us to yell and drudge up the past. On my old blog I’d just rant in posts about it because after every call it felt like an old scar was opened up and bleeding again.

About a month ago he called the wrong number and heard a man’s voice, so he called my mom’s cell and started yelling, accusing her that she was being unfaithful. He was drunk and yelling at her, yelling at me and she hung up. But he had been sending awful text messages to her, and then to me saying how she’s not a woman of God, or God has left our home, we’re not good, etc etc.

So much hurts because he hasn’t changed. I used to talk about the abuse my mom and I went through when we all did live together. And the two of us talk that maybe this is why he shouldn’t come back. Because we will not go back to that old life. And all I can think of is how much he would promise me that he would quit because he loved me, and I was worth it. But my brain says “apparently he doesn’t love you at all”

My mom has given it some thought and decided to get a divorce. My dad stopped sending her messages and stopped talking to me. I haven’t heard from him in two days and all I can do is hope he’s okay. But I have nightmares about him getting hurt, or him finding another woman and starting a new family, forgetting us.

I want to do all these things and not be depressed so I can help my mom. Learn how to drive, start commissions again so I can get some money in my own account. But also struggling with keeping this all in, at least not explode in front of my mom because it makes her upset.

I want to take care of myself, and her. But I feel like a child.

I feel left out, not being able to enjoy the usual things I did. Watching the boards I used to play on and seeing everyone having fun, wishing I could jump in but I’m just so blah most of the time. I feel like poison wanting to talk to friends. I feel like a failure. I feel unloved and unwanted because I’m this.

I feel so broken and useless to others.

There are just so many things and I don’t know where to start on how to fix them. Or if they can be fixed.

When I make posts like this I’m not really looking for answers. Writing helps me think, helps me air things out. I have a tendency to overshare because I gotta explain things. All my feelings and why I feel that way. It’s a mess.

If anything, to anyone reading this. Just send a prayer and a good thought.

#personal #not negative just #rambly #sad mostly #dunno if opening up is gonna do any good but better than bottling it up

Just finish reading HP & the Cursed Child. As expected it’s quite disappointing. A weird fanfiction where nobody really is in character. Specially Harry and Ron. Hard to read without being hurt. And I still have to see the play in October. At least Scorpius is lovely!

#hp and the cursed child #hp #weird weird weird #sad mostly #disappointed in jkr #how could she think it was a good idea #....................😭😭