The loneliness is starting to creep in. I really shouldn’t say creep because it’s starting to grow a voice and become very LOUD. I’ve been celibate for almost 2 years. My heart broken at the last encounter. I have no one that I’ve dated and as of the last year, I don’t bother to talk to anyone either. I’m content most days, but the past few months have been rough. What I’m seeing though, is the difference between me being single now and me being single before, is the fact that I’m not open to letting anyone play with my heart or waste my time. I don’t know everything I want but I do know I want love, care, trust, effort, intention, connection. Perhaps all this time I have allowed nonsense to occur, to keep from feeling this emptiness. The necklace of anxiety that’s both choking me and its pendant of worry weighs heavily on my chest. I’m up late right now because I can’t sleep. Because I’m afraid to sleep. Why? Idk. I’ve been afraid of going to sleep for going on a year now. No reason, just had a panic attack a few times before bed and now I don’t sleep unless my body forces me to. Perhaps sex used to keep that away. Or maybe talking on the phone and falling asleep to the faces I loved. Or maybe the comforting thought of someone loving me all day- even if it was a lie, I could wake up to that again.
I’m not really sure. But I do know that, when I was engaging with people it brought me so much pain. But the last few heartbreaks fucked me up mentally. Like, it took something from me. And I don’t know how much I have left to take so I’m just trying to avoid it. But I’d be a fucking liar if I didn’t say that I am lonely and I wish I had love and I wish I had someone to care for me. And that is a small part of my truth. Honestly.
