After reading some comments about Yashiro and Doumeki's current relationship in Chapter 58 (sexbuddies if you will) I started wondering about what it is exactly that's hurting Yashiro so much in this situation. That Y thinks D has no feelings for him and only uses him for sex? While I believe that to be an element of his misery, I think if that was the only reason for his suffering, we'd make the assumption that a confession from Doumeki would magically resolve Yashiro's pain and I highly doubt that's the case because I think Y is not ready to accept D's feelings yet.
Yashiro is a very perceptive Person which is demonstrated throughout the series but oddly enough he's completely blind to the feelings of others towards himself e.g. Ryuuzaki's love for Y (which seemed painfully obvious to Doumeki). Imho this comes down to him not being able to accept these feelings, which is why he keeps explaining them away. Now, when it comes to Doumeki's behaviour after the time skip, there have been several instances that gave his feelings away (D getting furious over Y trying to have sex with Kido... Yashiro even confronted D with the fact that it doesn't make any sense for him to get so angry because of it; D's smile after Y showing an interest in his life; D's passionate kiss when Y answered "suki dayo") Normally Yashiro would be able to tell what all of this means but he is still feigning ignorance to himself which to me shows that he is not ready to accept love from others just yet and therefore I believe that a direct confession from Doumeki couldn't resolve anything to begin with.
I think what pains Yashiro most at the moment is his realization that he can't change even though he wants to. I believe he's now come to terms with his feelings for Doumeki but he feels unable to act on them and this is an issue which is completely seperate from Doumeki or his actions. I think that's why in the end of Chapter 57 he's not feeling upset because Doumeki is leaving him or because D might have a woman or anything related to D at all really, he's upset because of his supposed inability to change:
So, I believe part of why Yashiro is avoiding any honest conversation with Doumeki is because he doesn't actually want to hear whether Doumeki still has feelings for him or not. He's well aware that he couldn't accept Doumeki's feelings because he has his trauma to deal with before he could ever dream of being in a happy relationship with Doumeki... and as of right now he feels completely powerless and lost because he doesn't know how to overcome his trauma.
How do you think Yashiro will behave towards Doumeki now? Will he try to escape again and forget everything?
Hi Anonymous!!! I am happy to be asked another question 🥰❤️ I hope you manage to see the response as I can't @ you!
I don't think Yashiro will repeat what he did in the past.
Before, Doumeki was his subordinate and clung to Yashiro - Doumeki obviously developed feelings and Yashiro developed feelings too. And this is a no-go for Yashiro.
So he shot Doumeki, claimed to have forgotten him (although he's managed to remember a shit tonne of details post-time skip eheheheh 😏) and kicked him out of his group.
Yashiro is now in a completely different place to where he was 4 years ago: he doesn't have a group, the casino / Misumi is the only thing connecting him to the Yakuza world, he's impotent and he's let himself be even more abused sexually.
Yashiro has no reason to escape Doumeki because they are in no way now tied to each other / working together, with the boss/subordinate relationship of the past.
Doumeki is good for Yashiro and Yashiro's body knows it.
Yashiro, however, I think will suppress / reject / downplay any meaning behind the sex that he has with Doumeki and at the very most label it as, "it's just sex. It's what I do. Don't be surprised. I screw everyone. I screwed you, didn't I?" unless something happens that forces Yashiro's hand and true feelings to the surface.
This is what I'm really hoping for!!!
Jealous Yashiro who sees D with the lady! Or Doumeki gets hurt / kidnapped and Yashiro saves him! Doumeki is framed for something and Yashiro steps in and helps!
In answer to your question, I think Yashiro will be cool towards Doumeki, still his cruel cutting self outwardly but I don't think Y will run away this time.
Doumeki seems to have matured since pre timeskip and is a lot surer of himself, confident, and there is no longer a power imbalance between him and Yashiro so I think he'll take less of Yashiro's crap 🤭
But for now Yashiro will continue to deny any significance that Doumeki has to him (although look how many times now has this blond masturbated thinking of Doumeki seriously Yashiro look in your internal mirror pls)
What I want is for Yashiro to watch the USB video of himself having sex with Doumeki and for it to rattle Yashiro in that HE LOOKS IN LOVE YOUR HONOR. I think Yashiro's true feelings are about to break free even in a small lashing out, any chapter now.
I am excited with what's in store!!
But in my humble opinion, something external needs to happen to force Yashiro to realise that he has feelings for Doumeki, and Yashiro needs to act in a knee-jerk way, with his true feelings breaking through.
Doumeki and Yashiro keep having sex together, pretending it's just to satisfy their needs and physical desires, but it must be pure torture for them. You can see how much they love each other in said panels . It's so heartbreaking and painful. For both them and the audience. The way they connect and love each other so deeply but can't fully express it makes their situation even more tragic. The main reason Doumeki clearly chooses have sex with Yashiro is because he understands Nanahara's analogy about Yashiro's relationship with sex being similar to his addiction to cigarettes. Doumeki is willing to be the "reusable cigarette" for Yashiro, as long as it prevents Yashiro from harming himself both physically and mentally.
Both in love yet feigning indifference out of necessity.
Thinking about how the moment Doumeki lays his eyes on Yashiro, all the careful alertness of being a yakuza is swept away like leaves in the wind, and he takes him in the foyer, the door still ajar, their love exposed to the world.
There is so much desperation and pining in this tiny flashback alone😭
After reading Chapter 58 I thought about this exchange between Yashiro and Kage for a bit:
At first sight this might suggest that Yashiro actually considers staying in the Yakuza. I think based on what we know and how this statement is framed though, I come to the conclusion that this suggests the exact opposite in fact; Yashiro’s reluctance to stay in the Yakuza shines through yet again.
Granted, in the above scene Yashiro does in fact say that he doesn’t really want to quit BUT what he said before that stood out to me. Confronted by Kage about how he’s still affiliated with the Yakuza he first diverts his question by saying „don’t say things as if you’re an ordinary person“; I think this points out that Yashiro doesn’t like to think of himself as that different from Kage (or „civilian“ people in general, probably), he’s sorta putting the two of them onto the same level… outwardly he appears to lower Kage’s „status“ as a law-abiding citizen to his own, but, objectively speaking they both know that Kage is not in fact a shady person (at least from what I can tell, after all, he doesn’t appear to be affiliated with any „shady“ people apart from Yashiro and Kage always complains about Yashiro dragging him into these affairs). So, what this ends up doing is lifting Yashiro’s status up (I hope I’m phrasing this in a way that makes sense). Anyway, I think what this conveys is that Yashiro still looks down on Yakuza members (he’s definitely not proud of being one) and that he’s still not fully comfortable with people viewing him as a member or even acknowledging his Yakuza-status himself.
He then goes on to say that it’s not easy to leave. Now, this could suggest a) that it has been on his mind (which we already know to be true) and b) that he feels the need to justify the fact that he’s still affiliated with them. Only when Kage questions him again Yashiro finally says that he doesn’t REALLY want to leave. His way of phrasing it doesn’t sound super convincing and he probably says that to get Kageyama off his case and also because, if he is honest with himself, he still can’t see himself actually taking that step after all.
I know I might be reading too much into this but it stood out to me that Yashiro didn’t just throw Kage a snarky comment like „why the hell wouldn’t I still be a member?“, in the same vein as his first comment „what kind of upstanding guy runs a shady illegal casino?“ Instead he is somewhat opening up to Kage in his own way.
Anyway, this conversation is yet another puzzle piece that plays into the theory I’ve had from the beginning, that Yashiro will leave the Yakuza eventually. From all we know so far, Yashiro has never really come to terms with being a Yakuza and has generally a very negative opinion of them. The topic of Yashiro struggling to accept this role and the re-occurring questioning of what makes a Yakuza, who’s a good Yakuza, who’s not fit to be one, etc. strongly suggests to me that this is an integral part of this story as a whole and is most probably gonna be relevant to the conclusion of the story. It’s made clear that Yashiro never wanted to be Yakuza in the first place and he’s still reluctant, like… some 20 long years later 😯. I don't want to include too many quotes here because there are far too many instances that could be mentioned and this post is already getting too loooong, as you'll see 🫣, but there are some I'd like to mention. First I'd like to point to one quote from Yashiro that leads me to believe that to him being a Yakuza is not in fact his real identity but rather a role he is playing. He says to Ryuuzaki in Chapter 5:
He sees himself more as an actor rather than a real Yakuza and interestingly enough, that’s what he had aspired to become as a teenager: (aspire might be too strong of a word here but I think in a way he really did):
Now, I know that I'm arguing that Yashiro is talking about himself here ,even though, he's not just referring to himself in his comment to Ryuuzaki but the fact that he talks about Yakuza being just like actors in general and then further generalizing his statement to „people spend their lives acting“ still plays nicely into Yashiro's perception of his own life which will become relevant in a bit *bear with me*; it suggests that he thinks that people are not really free to be themselves because they have to play their role which emphasizes his passive approach to life in general „I have lived my life accepting it all“ (I reference this quote further down).
Every time Misumi tries to drag him in deeper, Yashiro is acting completely reluctant. We first saw this in the very beginning of the story when Misumi and Yashiro talk about the succession and Misumi says to Yashiro „be mine once more“ (Yashiro doesn’t want to give him an answer), when we learn through Hirata’s secret recordings about the details of another conversation between Misumi and Yashiro in Chapter 14 (Yashiro still doesn’t give a straight answer) and we see it again in Chapter 36 when Misumi basically says to Yashiro „don’t forget what you are“ after the time-skip (Yashiro distracts Misumi from the conversation by provoking him). He doesn't agree to anything but he never outright refuses either (he's completely passive).
His reluctance is further demonstrated by the fact that after the time-skip Yashiro’s not really a full member anymore. He used what happened after Hirata’s attack on him to the best of his abilities in a way to distance himself from the group but he couldn’t take the last step. But this clearly points to Yashiro wanting to get out for good.
I think it’s noteworthy that the only time he completely rejects the idea of quitting (as far as I remember), is in Chapter 27 when he speaks to Ryuuzaki in the back of the police car:
This stands out to me because he says this after he’d made up his mind that he was gonna die. So why keep fighting it at this point? (I’m so glad our cute boy is not in such a dark place anymore 😭)
Yashiro has also tried to keep Doumeki out of this world because he cares so much about him. Unfortunately, he wasn’t successful but the statement Yashiro made about the Yakuza in Chapter 22 becomes relevant again, now that Doumeki got a back tattoo (which as we all know made Yashiro furious beyond belief). Yashiro said something along the lines of „do you have any idea how many upright citizens walk around out there with full body tattoos? And how many Yakuza wear normal business suits?“( I hope this translation is somewhat accurate . I had to take it from the official German translation which is not the most exact at times but the only English translation I could find, didn’t seem to be correct 😅) Basically he’s saying, it’s never too late to quit. This was some unfortunate foreshadowing if you ask me but it gives me hope that Doumeki’s status as a full-fledged member and him getting a tattoo won’t prevent them from leaving the Yakuza world behind.
I just cannot imagine Yoneda-sensei making this aspect such an integral part of Yashiro’s character and bringing this topic up again and again if it isn’t gonna be relevant in the end… I know it might be a red herring but I really doubt it at this point.
I read the manga as a story of a traumatized survivor of SA finding happiness in life (yes, I’m very hopeful that both Doumeki and Yashiro are gonna make it out alive because anything else would be too cruel🫣). For Yashiro the Yakuza is a hindrance to his freedom and happiness because it’s not who he truly is as a person and as long as he stays he’s going to be under Misumi’s control and Misumi is gonna try to use him, just like his stepfather and all the other men who SAed him when he was a teenager used him. In a way he’s still this powerless child getting used by others. He was an easy target for Misumi because Yashiro was „completely indifferent about himself“ as Misumi put it. This indifference stems from the abuse he suffered. When Yashiro got shot he remembered the SA and he says: „I have lived my life accepting it all. I’ve felt no sorrow. I’ve blamed no one. My life can’t be said to be anyone else’s fault.“ This expresses exactly what Misumi saw in Yashiro: He’s so broken that he doesn't even feel anger, he is beyond caring about himself, his well-being, his future. Putting it differently; he doesn’t love himself and he doesn’t think that he deserves love or a different, better life. This is why he doesn’t really put up a fight against this fate. He’s still passively accepting everything.
To sum this up, it’s mainly his trauma that prevents him from quitting, just like it keeps him from being able to accept Doumeki’s love. Since I believe this story is about Yashiro overcoming his trauma and finding happiness, I think it would only be fitting that once he’ll be able to accept that he is deserving of love, hope and happiness, he’d finally find the courage to take control of his own fate and break away from the path that he felt forced to follow.
And yes, I'm aware that quitting won't be that easy because of Misumi's obsession over Yashiro BUT even though I don't like Misumi too much and I think he's a creep, he's in his own way quite lenient when it comes to Yashiro, I have to give him that. So, I have high hopes that he actually meant what he said about "caring about Yashiro as a person" and will let him leave without too much trouble.
Of course we don’t know much about Doumeki’s plans for his future but if Yashiro and him end up together (which is what I’m hoping for) he’ll most likely go along with Yashiro’s wishes, I guess 😉 And I know, sweet Nanahara would be disappointed but I bet Yashiro and Doumeki would still find a way to adopt their big baby boy into their little family 😜
maybe they’re gonna open up a beach bar in Hawai’i and Nanahara would flirt with the guests and give away all the drinks for free 🤣
On a more serious note, I hope I didn’t get any of the quotes completely wrong. Nuances tend to get lost in translation so it’s kinda "risky" to base a theory like this solely on translations but most of it comes down to my personal interpretation of the story anyways. And I’m sorry if most of this seemed too obvious but I got the impression that I seem to feel more strongly about the fact that Yashiro might gonna leave his days as a Yakuza behind than others in the fandom and I felt the need to present my case 😉
If you actually made it through my ramblings to down here, you deserve some 🍪🍪🍪 😘
"You are the light. I am the shadow" The dichotomy between Yashiro and Kuga
After talking about how Yashiro was living his life passively, allowing himself to be coerced by others in my post „Do you even intend to quit?“ and seeing Kuga again in Chapter 58, I thought back to the dichotomy between Yashiro and Kuga, that became apparent in the very beginning of the story. Others probably already wrote plenty about this topic in the past but because I couldn’t find any recent posts about it, I thought I’d still write about it. Also, I feel like it adds another layer to Yashiro’s emotions at this point of the story.
The instance where the dichotomy between Kuga and Yashiro is mentioned is in Chapter 1 when Yashiro watches Kageyama leaving on his bicycle and he thinks about Kuga, the very person Kageyama is returning to. Yashiro says about Kuga and himself „You are the light. I am the shadow.“
From what we learn about Kuga in „Don’t stay gold“, we know that he was in very similar situation as Yashiro was at the same age. Kuga was abused by his parents, didn’t have a place to call home, he didn’t have any prospects for his future. Yashiro tried to do to Kuga, what Misumi had done to him. He saw potential in him just like Misumi had seen in Yashiro and he assumed that Kuga would be an easy target because of his situation, so he also tried to convince Kuga to join the Yakuza by any means necessary. He tried to coerce him just like Misumi had done to him:
It’s interesting to point out here that Kuga hates Yashiro for what he’s doing to him. Yashiro on the other hand didn’t hate Misumi despite him doing the same thing to Yashiro. He even began a consensual sexual relationship with him once he was practically forced to join Misumi’s group.
Just like Yashiro, who felt like he had no other option but to join the Yakuza, Kuga didn’t really see any alternative to becoming a criminal. He says as much when talking to Kageyama about Yashiro’s „offer“:
In contrast to Yashiro himself, Kuga kept fighting his destiny. He probably didn’t know exactly what he wanted from life but he knew exactly what he didn’t want for himself and he defended his right to choose his own path. He didn’t allow himself to be manipulated by anyone. This is in strong contrast to Yashiro, who saw his fate as predetermined, like he had no other choice but to accept it. Yashiro didn’t put up a fight when Misumi lured him into the Yakuza. He was reluctant but he never actually fought against it. Like I said in my other post, he didn’t care about himself anymore at that point. He wasn’t angry. Didn’t lash out. Didn’t stand up for himself. He went along with Misumi’s demands, albeit reluctantly.
We see a similar situation when it comes to Yashiro and Kuga and their feelings for Kageyama. Their relationships with Kageyama start out in the exact same way. Kageyama started touching Kuga’s scars just like he had done to Yashiro in highschool. But when Kage pushed Kuga away just like he had done to Yashiro in the past, Kuga confronted him:
Yashiro on the other hand never opened up about his feelings. When he felt rejected by Kageyama he gave up without getting angry at him for using him or saying anything about how he felt.
This is a bit off topic but despite his own feelings for Kageyama it was Yashiro who gave Kageyama a push and made him go after Kuga and acknowledge his feelings:
Am I the only one who thinks that Yashiro looks like he’s about to cry here? 😭 Yashiro, you truly deserve all the happiness in the world! 😭
So, coming back to Yashiro’s statement about Kuga being the light and himself being the shadow, I think this shows how aware Yashiro is of the parallels between Kuga and himself. He recognizes that they both started from a somewhat similar point in life but that there is something that sets Kuga apart from himself: „Kuga is the light. I am the shadow“.
I think the „light“ that Yashiro saw in Kuga was the hope that he was able to retain. Despite everything Kuga went through, it seems that he never lost hope. Just like Yashiro, he was lost and didn’t know where to go or what to do but he never gave up fighting for himself. I think what gave him this strength was his hope that he could turn his life around and that he could find happiness eventually. His hope was like a spark that enlightened his way forward.
The way I see it, both Kuga as well as Yashiro are very strong people who managed to keep on going despite all the adversities they had to face but in contrast to Kuga, Yashiro had long lost all hope. He gave up on everything before fate even had the chance to lift him up.
So, after learning in Chapter 58 that Kageyama and Kuga are still going strong, I felt Yashiro’s pain about his current situation even more. Kuga has everything that Yashiro wishes for: The strength to stand up for himself and make his own decisions in life as well as a stable relationship with the person he loves. Yashiro on the other hand still has Misumi hanging round his neck trying to pull him back into the Yakuza life which he wants no part of, as well as Doumeki who’s making it seem like he doesn’t have any feelings for Yashiro anymore. And unlike Kuga, who decided to become a mechanic because he felt like night work didn’t suit him, Yashiro thinks of himself as livestock, a being that has no control over his own existence. So he continues his path as Misumi’s affiliate despite his negative attitude towards it and keeps his feelings hidden from Doumeki. He still has no hope for a better future. He's still dwelling in darkness while Kuga is still shining bright like the sun.
I really hope that once Yashiro recognizes Doumeki’s real feelings, this will finally restore his hope in the future and that he will eventually find the strength to go against his predetermined destiny.
