#saezuru analysis

[ogata77]

Saezuru tori wa habatakanai Chapter 66 Spoilers:

Yoneda is absolutely unstoppable. We already have the new previews for the latest Saezuru chapter, which is drawing closer and closer to the climax of this final arc. This time, there are two specific details that caught my attention that I just couldn't leave unaddressed.

The Parallelism of the Snow

First of all, the cover image shows Doumeki and Yashiro under a snowfall—a clear parallel to the very beginning of Doumeki’s story within the Sakuraika group. It is snowing in the exact same way it did the day Amou handed him over to Tsunakawa. It seems this crucial part of the story, which began on a snowy day, is coming full circle and closing under the exact same weather.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

This brings me to the second preview image: Amou requests a meeting with Tsuna to apologize. While the surface-level reasons are clear, there is a much deeper history between these two characters.

Amou and Tsunakawa were university classmates, meaning they have known each other for many years. In the Saezuru universe, they represent two sides of the same coin:

Tsunakawa, on one hand, is a successor by inheritance.

Amou, on the other, is Misumi’s illegitimate son, who became a boss through pure meritocracy and power.

Consequently, even though they have only met a handful of times throughout the story, they show an incredibly close bond through the sheer weight of the favors they dare to ask of and grant each other.

Chapter 37 Chapter 66

Loyalty and Favors Within the Yakuza

Back in chapter 30, Amou asks Tsunakawa to talk to the other bosses so they won't accept Hirata into any Sakuraika subgroups, and Tsunakawa agrees. Their conversation is deeply fascinating because Tsunakawa questions whether it wouldn't be easier to just put out a formal notice that Hirata is exiled, ensuring no one takes him in. That’s when Tsunakawa talks about loyalty and drops a heavy line: "A man without a group is dead." Pushing someone to those extremes is no small decision.

Against all odds, many years later, Amou turns to Tsuna for help once again—this time to take in Doumeki. Going completely against his own convictions of not accepting the "leftovers" of other clans, Tsunakawa complies. This is exactly why Amou goes to apologize to him: he knows perfectly well that Tsunakawa made a massive exception solely out of that surreal friendship they share.

The Illusion of Freedom

Furthermore, I love how Yoneda always positions them in spaces that are simultaneously vast yet enclosed: golf courses and fishing ponds. These are artificial, man-made environments that, despite seeming immense, are completely fenced in. It captures the very essence of Saezuru: even if you feel free, the yakuza remains your prison. Perhaps that’s why they look for these specific settings for their private meetings; it grants them a subtle illusion of freedom that, due to the realities of the mafia world, can never truly be real.

I’m eagerly looking forward to the rest of the chapter. Thank you so much if you took the time to read through my ramblings about something that seems as simple as an apology between friends!

[thekingdombytheseawithnoshore]

Saezuru fandom right now be like

[bcgit]

You came. 😢 All the times Doumeki has seen Yashiro choose others over him, never once thinking he'd see the day he would choose him. My heart is still breaking with the thoughts of how this must feel to him, after everything. He has been chosen.

[danmeibrainrot]

The entire chapter systematically strips away every excuse Yashiro has been using for years.

First Nanahara points out the obvious contradiction: if Yashiro truly doesn't care, why is he falling apart?

Then Amou lands the most devastating question in the chapter:

"Did you abandon Doumeki for his sake, or for your own?"

The reason Yashiro freezes isn't because he doesn't know the answer. It's because he does.

For years Yashiro has framed what he did as protecting Doumeki. But Amou forces him to face the fact that if Doumeki had stayed, Yashiro would have had to confront feelings, vulnerability, dependence, and the possibility of being loved in a way he never believed he deserved.

Then comes Kamiya.

Kamiya doesn't appeal to Yashiro's emotions. He appeals to reality.

He basically says,

This man has built his entire life around you.

He's about to destroy his future for you.

What are you going to do about it?

For years, Yashiro has treated love as something to be managed through distance, sacrifice, and control. As long as he kept moving, kept deciding what was best, he never had to confront the uncertainty at the heart of it all.

But this chapter exposes the gap between the story he tells himself and the reality in front of him.

[vic-saezuru7]

My feelings about chapter 66 of Saezuru.

Today I want to speak simply, without psychological analysis or technical jargon. I want to speak from the love I have for the work, the author, and its characters. From my jumbled feelings and thoughts.

Warning: there are spoilers, many spoilers, and paraphrased dialogue, so it's not exact.

Doumeki confessed his feelings and left. As I said in the previous post, he consciously or subconsciously relinquished control to Yashiro. Without expecting anything in return. It was honesty personified, and a farewell kissed his way to goodbye. The decision was now in Yashiro's hands, and Doumeki wouldn't pursue him anymore.

Then we had chapter 65, which really affected me. Doumeki stood firm in his feelings. Kamiya had revealed absolutely everything Doumeki had hidden about himself. Tsunakawa was heartbroken and felt betrayed, and Muraji was outraged. Doumeki failed. He didn't apologize and even declared his loyalty to Yashiro, saying he was his reason for living. As a consequence of his profound honesty, an excessive punishment was imposed, without him even having shared a drink. He lost his place to live once again. Chapter 65 left me so distraught that I tried not to talk about it for two months.

And now, chapter 66.

I was impressed, as always, by the range of expressions and physical perspectives that Sensei gives us. A truly talented artist who, through her lines, conveys a wide range of emotions.

The chapter begins with Amou and Tsunakawa. One man disappointed, the other worried. A disturbing conversation.

We move to Yashiro's office where he is visibly agitated and grumpy, with dark circles under his eyes and looking tired. He asks if they've found Kai; nothing. Nanahara confronts him and receives a violent response. Yashiro is restless, shouting, desperate; it's the first time we see him without a plan, feeling helpless. He knows that Doumeki will receive the worst punishment and is hiding behind the Yakuza's directives; he can't help Doumeki. But Nanahara doesn't remain silent and tells him about that conversation on the hospital terrace. Amou interrupts Doumeki's words and Yashiro's attitude. We then shift to a scene in a café. Amou speaks of the past; after all, he knows that wayward 19-year-old Yashiro, he's seen him in all his facets. Things about Amou are revealed, and one phrase haunts me: Amou says that Misumi sees Yashiro as a son, but Yashiro doesn't see Misumi as a father, saying, "You don't sleep with your son" While Misumi saved Yashiro, and they know I've always agreed with his methods, Yashiro's heart aches, and he's carried that burden for 20 years. This gives me a change of perspective, and while I previously supported them staying in the Yakuza, now I don't. I'd like them both to get out; I'd love for Yashiro to be free from the Yakuza, just like Doumeki.

Returning to the chapter. Amou confronts Yashiro, asking, "Did you get rid of Doumeki four years ago for his own good or for yours?" Yashiro is shocked. Amou knows him better than anyone and can't answer; they both know the answer. Without even touching his coffee, he receives a call.

We shift to the street. Yashiro is walking in the rain, lost in thought, when he's intercepted by Kamiya. Kamiya doesn't mince words and confronts Yashiro with reality, paraphrasing him to say something like, "You must be worth a lot for a man like Doumeki to risk his life to protect you." And for Yashiro, who has very low self-esteem, receiving those words from someone who doesn't know his past is truly harsh. Yashiro simply listens, and Kamiya unleashes his frustration by throwing him a motel key and a challenge, leaving Doumeki's salvation in his hands. Then he walks away.

We see the rain, the key, and then the key disappears. The next panel is one of my favorites. Yashiro holds something in his left hand and looks up at the rain-soaked, gray sky.

Now we change scenes. Doumeki is alone, gun in hand. The doorbell rings. When he opens it, Yashiro, soaked from head to toe, kisses him with a tenderness and passion the reader can feel in their own skin. Doumeki stands there, not responding, simply receiving, his eyes wide open. Yashiro pushes him aside and enters the room. Their faces part, saliva joins their lips, Yashiro's tongue is visible, and then they kiss with exquisite passion. And the chapter ends.

To say I liked the chapter is an understatement; this chapter is legendary. After so many years, Yashiro no longer does things for others, doesn't sacrifice himself for the sake of others, isn't a tool, an empty shell, a bargaining chip. He has become a human being with his own decisions, and he listens to his own heart. I loved that, without premeditation, three people came together to shake Yashiro to his core. These three already knew of the mutual feelings between them, and all three cared for Doumeki so much that they couldn't bear to see him lost. They placed the trust and responsibility for his salvation in Yashiro's hands.

Yashiro made his decision, a selfish one, leaving everyone behind—well, not everyone. Ties of cups, groups, loyalties, Misumi—he put everything before Doumeki. And what greater happiness could there be for Doumeki, who has always been the abandoned one, than to see Yashiro there, with a clear answer? Because after such a confession, seeing the man of his dreams standing at the door, frantically pressing his lips to his, is a wonderful answer.

I don't think Yashiro will do the same thing he did four years ago. I think he feels responsible for his actions and believes he's to blame for Doumeki's current state. I think he'll take responsibility and join Doumeki to resolve this whole mess. I also believe that together they are a powerful, dangerous, and unstoppable force. And I have faith, above all, I have faith in Yoneda-sensei and that they will both emerge from this in the best possible way.

Despite being a chapter to celebrate, it's also truly sad. There are wounds in the heart that don't heal easily, and I see a deeply hurt Yashiro. He's aware of all the harm he caused Doumeki, and I think his despair stems from that. He hurt the person he loved most and the person who loved him most. Yashiro doesn't feel worthy of affection, but in the end, he has such a valuable man giving his all for him. That's not easy for someone like Yashiro to accept. I can feel his pain, his regret, and his despair, and it breaks my heart.

Yoneda-sensei is incredible. She surpasses our highest expectations. I'll be eagerly awaiting the next chapter.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading my jumbled thoughts. I didn't come here with technical jargon today; I just wanted to chat with you all. Hugs, and see you in four months!

[winterwing-butterfly]

Saezuru Chapter 66

Impressions post summary, pre scanlation. ⚠️

Spoilers ahead. 🚧

Tsunakawa

Won't say much about the conversation between Amou and Tsunakawa, apart from the fact that these two have the most peculiar relationship of camaraderie in the whole series. Tsunakawa specifically has absolutely nobody he can trust on the same level. The belief that people don't really change, shared with Yashiro when they first met, is a declared assessment and acceptance about his own self.

Amou

Sensei labelled Amou as the smartest character in Saezuru and that was no joke. He sees everything ahead of everyone else and operates with sensible strategy.

When the previews were out, @artemisrisen and I noticed that Amou seemed to be heading towards somewhere else after meeting Tsunakawa and our bet was for Yashiro. She brilliantly said that their encounter would be remarkable in terms of how they are technically "brothers" in the yakuza hierarchy, and that's very true. Pre time-skip, they played their chess games in the organisation separately, but when we look at flashbacks of Yashiro being forced to become a yakuza, we can see how Amou discretely tried to persuade Misumi to go easy on him. We can also look back to Yashiro as a teenager making fun of Amou in their brief interactions. There is a mutual respect embedded in their relationship that is not on the subordinate/superior level they have with people around them. Their honest conversation in the café definitely reflected it.

[TW for SA ahead] Something symbolic in their dialogue, by the way, is that this was the first time in the plot Yashiro sharply brought SA in a conversation without minimising or making jokes about it, as he has done a few times before:

I'm convinced that this was not the implication Amou intended to give when explaining why he went so far for Doumeki (mentioning his devotion to Misumi as an example), but Yashiro being instantly responsive was, in my opinion, still a sly move, but could also be read as a serious recognition that what happened to him was wrong (as in, he was a child and a victim of it) in combination to an unconscious awareness that his self is not broken beyond repair (as in, any physiological response didn't mean he enjoyed it, and neither it means he enjoys pain).

Amou remaining silent upon Yashiro's reaction could be a translation that both the implication and question asked were rhetorical, because deep down Yashiro already has the answers.

Kamiya

Lad, you wanted to do something big? Congratulations. You did it!

Kamiya was the epitome materialisation of a character representing someone who crosses paths with us in life and then causes an immense change without even realising it. He was blunt and did not hesitate to dump all his frustrations on Yashiro, coming from a new place of seeing Doumeki with a higher regard. Yashiro truly needed that kind of approach. It was the last call, not only for an acknowledgment of Doumeki's feelings, but the acceptance of his own. I hope that Kamiya doesn't end up facing major consequences for indirectly middling the situation between these two, because he really deserves a good outcome and margin to accomplish more for himself.

The rain

The rain comes as a subtext from the moment the conversation between Yashiro and Amou is concluded. At this stage, we are all aware about the representation of rain and water in Saezuru, so the fact that Yashiro rushed outside in the middle of the rain says enough on it's own. He's completely lost in emotions while getting soaked, and we could say that Kamiya's words to him were also lashing. He doesn't reply. He is just there absorbing everything until he is left alone to make his own decision.

I will not get over and will continue to mention @bcgit's comment that "it took a village" for Yashiro to acknowledge his feelings, because this analogy is usually addressed around taking care of children. There's no better way to put it other than all these people being the presence a child could have needed to learn how to process a turmoil of feelings (I'm not even sure if this was the intention with this comment, but I personally found the correlation poetic and fitting). Yashiro did not have any support or guidance before. With this now, there is autonomy and the decision remains only his.

A few notes

This is the closest we have seen of Yashiro processing emotions and acknowledging feelings for Doumeki, but I still think that the essence Yashiro built up thorough years still prevails in some aspects. What I mean is that, despite any willingness Yashiro has to accept Doumeki now, his strategy and self sacrifice might remain in his next course of actions. I don't think (and I hope) Yashiro would run away again, but I also don't see him absorbing an idea of "happily ever after".

In terms of the yakuza plot, it's unlikely that either of them will effectively kill Kai, so maybe Okuyama will play a part in it.

Meanwhile, we are very much led to believe Yashiro and Doumeki will finally (FINALLY! 😭) have passionate sex on chapter 67 (and maybe in further chapters, if it ends up being intense as it was from 23 to 25). I am really looking forward to it, and I hope for some dramatic and affectionate change in their dynamic this time, please and thank you. 🥺

Just as a side note: not sure if most people noticed but Ten-san (who usually shares the summaries early in the morning in Japan) mentioned that she's not sure if she will continue to summarise Saezuru after the hiatus, since her schedule will change. If so, we will either wait more for any structured update or fill in the gaps as long as leaks come out. And it's fine either way, because the whole fandom of Saezuru is very much used to waiting, right? I am happy to wait after a cliffhanger like that, as opposed to how I would be if it was a tragic one. 🥲

[jilyreadz]

A Doumeki Analysis

Part 1: Pre-Timeskip

Missed me?

Terrible jokes aside though, I believe this post is much long overdue and even chapter 64 is within our midst (IM SO EXCITED HOW DID DOUMEKI AND YASHIRO END UP LIKE THAT?!). For those confused, I refuse to receive any spoilers unless the manga is done, so no I have not read the summary. Anyways, I'm planning to make this post a trilogy, since I can't bother myself to examine all of Doumeki in just 1 go, its really hard with all the differing opinions.

Be warned spoilers ahead for the pre-timeskip manga of Saezuru in general

Credits to @samxmanga for inspiring me to make this post and even asking how I was doing while doing so! This is their original post, and I'll be taking points from @tamcicro comment and really just giving my personal view in answering the question...

Who should be the one to blame?

This post is more on why neither Doumeki or Yashiro should be blamed, but mostly focusing on Doumeki here and really how he had to deal with his own sets of trauma too. I'm not saying its comparably worst nor better compared to Yashiro, but I'm neither saying that trauma should ever be measured. It affects everyone differently. However, time and time again, I've seen Doumeki being blamed for 'possessiveness' and well questioned for it as well. I've seen him also being 'blamed' for not caring as much on Yashiro's feeling. (Not to mention chapter 23,24, and 25 can be as debatable as we want it to be)

So let's just start with the root of it all really.

1.What trauma has Doumeki faced?

Yakuza stuff aside, let's take a look back at pre-main story. I chose this one as a first point due to the title being called pre-timeskip for a good reason.

Ok I know I said, yakuza stuff aside. But we have got to show his face from chapter 1. I'm no artist, and Sensei herself says she finds it difficult to draw emotions. But I think she conveyed something in Doumeki that I didn't see reading the manga/anime for the first time. Doumeki looks rather solemn/distant no? In the manga especially, we see his eyes glow more when he feels something, when he well, won't you say...look at Yashiro?

His eyes (or well the white parts - pupils, glow stuff??) are moving. Now this might have been just to set the mood (he's looking at Yashiro laugh), but I really think he felt something here. But what does this mean?

Watching the movie for the first time, I couldn't help but relate to how Doumeki was acting. He looked like he was moving through the motions, until well he met Yashiro. Doumeki had this emotionless expression from the start, and while we don't get much from his childhood, we knew he was known to be 'strong' from the very start.

Now I'm no professional, but I think we all know how it feels to not be treated like you're a child anymore. And well, who knows how 'early on' that could've been for Doumeki? It also mentions Doumeki's parents 'weren't the doting type', that would mean they didn't really pay attention to him. Which is quite correct, or else what he saw and consequently did, may have not happened really. The point was, while Yashiro didn't grow up in a normal home, neither did Doumeki really either.

Even he goes to mention, Kendo practice was his only remembrance of feeling free. Was he confined at home? Did he feel that unwanted? It scares me that unlike how clear Yashiro's trauma was, Doumeki was only shown a panel or two 😭

Of course we could go on to the main trauma. Unlike the earlier one's, he mentions this explicitly to Yashiro, so it's likely the one to have hurt him the most.

I knew something was familiar between Aoi and Yashiro, but I didn't really realize how familiar. However, I think most fans of this fandom probably know what I'm going on about here so I'm going to make you save this image in your heads.

Doumeki was always known to be 'strong', someone not really pitied. Yashiro had a similar thing, yet he was pitied. He didn't want to be pitied. Doumeki was known to to remain calm and quiet, but at this moment...he snapped. And something about the Inami speech we get later on, kind of made my heart break a bit.

Doumeki looks devastated here, so much so he's not even bothering to move. He's THAT affected. In my opinion, what had happened spread around the police force, and so not only did he stay in prison for 4 years enduring his cellmates advances, but also the people he once were teammates of, talking bad about him when what he had done was a completely valid reaction. Yet, he snapped, and I think that made him realized he isn't all that strong, he couldn't protect his sister. He couldn't protect Yashiro. All these showings that he wasn't strong enough, I can't help but think he was affected by that.

That Inami speech made me hate him, but not just about how inconsiderate he was to Doumeki's feelings of the incident, but that he didn't pity him either. And that made me realize how important Yashiro was to Doumeki, because for him...

He listened. Sure, it seemed Yashiro teased Doumeki about it, but he addressed the main issue: his regret in not killing his father. Yashiro didn't say he was in the wrong, just like Inami did. He didn't say Doumeki was a lunatic for punching his father to a pulp. No, he didn't. Unlike everyone, instead of Doumeki having to bear the need to protect them, Yashiro was willing to protect him. Yashiro was willing to make sure, that he was safe. Was it at this moment he wanted to protect Yashiro even more? Have his 'overprotective' attitude? Well, before that I wanted to answer a very long ago question...

2. Was the s*x in Ch.25 consensual?

I think I can't stress enough how much I loved reading the responses on this post.

However, as someone who doesn't really speak about explicit content, I think at the end of the day, it's really everyone's interpretation. Personally, I do think it wasn't consensual in the sort of sense that Doumeki should've asked to keep doing what he was doing the entire time. However, at the end, is it wrong to say Yashiro didn't make him think he wanted this?

Doumeki before Yashiro asks him if he can do s*x with him, is outright trying to hope Yashiro didn't want to do it with him now that he's hard. We all know Doumeki's feelings when this happens, he doesn't want to be thrown out, he doesn't want to act like his father etc.

The cover for chapter 23 even says 'Even though all I want is to love him, it will only hurt him'. I don't think Doumeki knows Yashiro's past in this image, I mean why isn't he looking at him? He's looking forward at his own perspective, and how doing it with Yashiro could turn everything for the worst (and well that's really also based on everyone's perspective).

He outright rejects him, but Yashiro keeps on going, even laughing at him. Yet, Yashiro does explain what he thinks of s*x, explaining that 'its just s*x right?'. Doumeki is surprised at this, he does take note of this, but I believe in a different way. You see, while we as a fandom might have thought this line meant that Yashiro doesn't think of s*x as a intimate part of a relationship where you build your trust on that person, I think Doumeki took this line as the fact that Yashiro only wanted to do it with him before casting him aside. They were discussing how Doumeki should quit the Yakuza before this after all (even though not explicitly Yashiro was saying to not move out of his house - thank goodness it comes in handy)

After all, Yashiro says that he never lays a hand on his subordinate, Doumeki might have taken this fact that Yashiro would never go further with a subordinate of his, and realizes he will be cast aside so that he isn't his subordinate anymore.

This might all sound that he is only looking at his perspective of the story, but watch that after Yashiro walks away...

He doesn't bother to get up. He doesn't chase him. He knows Yashiro is injured yet doesn't help him taking off his clothes to get to the shower. Now that may sound selfish, but think of it this way. Doumeki doesn't understand Yashiro, he had to go to the extent to understand that Yashiro was lovesick by finding contact lenses. He had to go to extent to even keeping it to ask about it when Yashiro wanted to. He doesn't even know that even a direct invitation by Yashiro, is a real one or not. If he really was like every of his partners, why didn't he just kiss him right then there? Defile him when he clearly said so?

That's because Doumeki knew him. In a way that he knew Yashiro wasn't being sincere, that he knew Yashiro only wanted to do it with him, and not love him. Unlike all of Yashiro's partners, Doumeki didn't think s*x was supposed to hurt someone, was supposed to 'just be s*x'. Sure, he had cases by the nurse, and his 2 gf's. Yet, I think he changed that perspective when he met Yashiro.

Now to my favorite panel. Yashiro confesses. After this point, I was confused why Yashiro was rejecting, now I know better. Even though he confessed, he put his walls back up again. But it's too late, Doumeki saw the sincere him, the one Yashiro kept trying to hide. Can it be wrong to say that Yashiro didn't show he wanted this? All the signs were quite clear in Doumeki's perspective.

Doumeki even says this in the extra. He wouldn't act unless his boss wanted him too, and well looking at how he acts, would it not be wrong to assume as such?

I understand Yashiro here, he's overwhelmed. He kept thinking, saying stuff, acting unlike him. I don't think Doumeki wants this to happen, I think at the end he wanted to clear his mind. Help him stop thinking. And then it became gentle touches, where people start too think that Doumeki should've stopped there. Yet, I think what the original reblogger mentioned is quite true, he consented to s*x sure, yet he didn't consent to being treated kindly. 'Like this', if he really didn't want it. If he really thought this was like r***, why does he mention like this? Just say 'I don't wanna be touched', not 'I don't wanna be touched like this'.

{Gets explicit from here}

Sure, you may say it's Yashiro's kindness that relents him from comparing Doumeki to his father, but Yashiro is feeling wronged. Yet, he doesn't think Doumeki is like his father. He says 'he's wrong'. He may not like this (because he isn't used to it), but his body says otherwise. And personally, I think he also knows he wanted this.

I'm rather confused looking at this panel. Why does he say this? Doumeki has heard of this before, but why do they both say it? Yashiro also says this post timeskip, but again, why?? Is it because he didn't want Doumeki to see him weak, like how Aoi didn't want Doumeki to see her because if he did, she knows he would take that guilt in his heart forever?

For me, it's at this point I think Doumeki should've stopped. He says 'Don't touch me', it's at this point he doesn't want Doumeki at all. That he doesn't care if it's kindness or not, he feels overwhelmed and doesn't like this.

Doumeki keeps going forward, and of course Yashiro asks him to keep going. Doumeki asks if he wants this, to which he doesn't get a response. And yeah, we can all say that his mind isn't in the correct place right now so we shouldn't expect him to say anything, but can we agree that what he did, by lifting himself towards Doumeki, it would just confuse him even more? Doumeki is trying to understand, but I don't think he gets it.

It's at this point I don't think Doumeki is himself anymore. That Yashiro looks terrified not because of him saying 'sorry' but I think that Yashiro doesn't recognize him anymore. Or perhaps both, as he says 'Don't break me'.

Yashiro treats Doumeki like all his previous partners after that, and he doesn't want 'kind' Doumeki at all, even when he sprouts out seeing how hurt Yashiro is.

At the end, I can neither blame either of them. This event affected them both, and both of them knew the consequences in their own perspective. Was it consensual, was a really good question for me here, because Yashiro confused me and Doumeki too. That does goes to say, even if he did like it, that doesn't mean wants it right? Yet, his body does, oh we can see that. So at the end, I think the poll was pretty right for a almost 50/50.

3. Why does Doumeki thinks Yashiro is 'rejecting' him?

Just like @tamcicro said, Doumeki can't see what Yashiro is thinking, he can't see how much Yashiro is hurting. Yashiro, yes, tried to explain. But,

he doesn't know if it's true. He doesn't know if anything he says it's true. And we all know it's only until Nanahara explains, that he walks away. That he stops and realizes how much Yashiro had to endure. He feels like he had been rejected, that he really was just another 'body' for him, but post-timeskip shows Doumeki never gave up thinking Yashiro deep inside still likes him. Or well, he never gave up wanting to stay by his side.

And while I'm only focusing on pre-timeskip here for this one, yes post-timeskip is a bit controversial, but I'll put a bit of a spoiler of what I think for my next post. I think post-timeskip actions of Doumeki is odd. I think Doumeki wanted to reconcile with Yashiro, but with the new knowledge that Yashiro's walls have to be broken down one by one, I think he had too make sure he was 'comfortable with him'. While we all know he takes this the wrong way, Doumeki doesn't know that. And that's all for my thoughts of pre-timeskip ^^.

Yashiro has a lot to work with, and yes I can't help but agree that Doumeki should try to be more understanding. However, Yashiro has confused him so much that he only has his own understanding to based out off. And I think I can confidently said his own understanding is trying to protect him, whatever danger that might be, and I hope chapter 64 shows that, that's what he meant to do all long 🤞.

[pouletaulait]

Yashiro and emotional intimacy

After reading @justafrenchlondoner 's and @bcgit 's thoughts about Yashiro's behaviour towards Doumeki in chapter 60, it got me thinking more deeply about Yashiro's reaction to Doumeki's question as to why he didn't tell him anything about Tsunakawa and the money, so I thought I'd add my two cents about the topic 🤗 To be honest, it didn't really stand out to me initially that Yashiro was so mean to Doumeki because it's nothing new that Yashiro tries to hurt Doumeki verbally when he's upset. But why is he so upset with Doumeki in that moment? Looking back I'd say it's Yashiro's usual reaction whenever Doumeki is getting too close on an emotional level and I'd argue that this was the case here because Doumeki was acting "overly" familiar with Yashiro in that moment. Therefore, imo, this might explain why he lashed out at Doumeki like that...

Doumeki was acting completely out of place. He, who's merely an underling of Tsunakawa's, grabbed Yashiro by the arm to have a private talk about "business". Doumeki who usually very much respects social etiquette totally ignored his and Yashiro's positions/roles as well as where they were in that moment because he felt it didn't matter between the two of them: Him acting like this and asking this question would only be appropriate if Yashiro and him were extremely close; close enough for him to be able to scold Yashiro for withholding that information and to talk to Yashiro on a such a personal level.

On a surface level it might seem like Yashiro lashed out because he felt disrespected, that's what Yashiro's words allude to: reminding Doumeki of their respective positions. However, I think that on a deeper level he was much more upset because Doumeki's behaviour suggested that they were close on an emotional level which his last comment aims at: "Don't get the wrong idea, just because you're sleeping with me." In other words: "we're not close despite our physical relationship". Yashiro is drawing a line between them, yet again.

It very much reminds me of the scene in chapter 32 between them in the car, when Doumeki called Yashiro "anata" for the first time. Yashiro belittled Doumeki when he dared to address him that way because it suggests a high level of intimacy with each other. When Doumeki kept on insisting that he didn't want to leave him, Yashiro lashed out at him too, saying things that were meant to hurt him.

I think it's evident that Yashiro has always struggled with emotional intimacy. He's able to open up to other people to some extent, especially so with Doumeki when he was still impotent. However, even back then there was a line he didn't want Doumeki to cross, like when Doumeki asked him whether Kageyama was the person he loved. Still, he allowed himself to be somewhat vulnerable with Doumeki, telling him about his life, his feelings to some extent and sleeping in his lap. All of this changed when Yashiro learnt that Doumeki wasn't impotent anymore because for Yashiro physical intimacy (in a sexual way) cannot go together with emotional intimacy at all.

In my opinion their relationship after the time-skip is only possible because Doumeki isn't trying to get any closer on an emotional level. They only meet for sex. They don't talk much. In chapter 60 Yashiro says to Doumeki: "Why are you still here? If you're finished then leave", essentially telling him to leave already. Doumeki initiates a conversation and although Yashiro answers, I'd say, he seems rather reluctant to talk to Doumeki. On an emotional level there's not much progress between them. I think this is also evident in the way Yashiro acts during sex in chapter 60: Although he seems more comfortable he still tries to hide his face when they are facing each other. This is significant because it shows that Yashiro is still on guard when he's with Doumeki.

(At some point I want to take another look at this topic of when or why Yashiro feels comfortable about being looked at, so more on this in another post 😉)

I think that we've seen the same dynamic of Yashiro pushing back whenever Doumeki gets too close on an emotional level in other recent chapters as well, i.e. chapter 50 after Yashiro pushed Kamiya away and dragged Doumeki with him. Once they were in Yashiro's apartment Doumeki made a move on him saying "You picked me because you wanted me to do this." This is Yashiro's reaction:

To me it seems like he realizes that Doumeki is catching on to how he truly feels which causes him to push back on Doumeki's statement saying "I said you'd do. I never said I wanted you", in other words: "don't think you're special to me in any way." A few moments later when Doumeki sees the abrasion on Yashiro's wrist and comments: "So you do like it this way... afterall", Yashiro snatches his arm away and says: "You're pissing me off...talking like you know everything..." Here Doumeki's words indicate just how well he already knows Yashiro on such an intimate level and Yashiro gets upset because Doumeki is pointing it out (apart from the fact that Doumeki is actually wrong about this, at least when it comes to himself) Also in chapter 56 when Doumeki comments that it's unexpected of Yashiro to take an interest in him. Yashiro immediately gets up from the sofa and tries to end the conversation. What Doumeki is saying alludes to the fact that Yashiro actually cares about him, that there's something special between them. To me all of these examples show that Yashiro gets upset and pushes back everytime Doumeki tries to get any closer on an emotional level or when his words or actions indicate that they are already connected on a deeper level.

It seems to me that Yashiro's behaviour in chapter 60 shows that he's still keeping Doumeki at arm's length. He's still very much uncomfortable with any emotional intimacy between them which to me seems to be a possible explanation as to why he lashes out at Doumeki in that moment. Despite the fact that Doumeki intended to hide his true feelings, he was acting upset about the fact that Yashiro kept such a secret from him and practically made a scene because of it. If this doesn't scream that he wants for them to be closer, I don't know what does 😅 Yashiro sensed that and pushed back harshly because he still can't bear such an intimate connection.