WHICH SR BOSS SHOULD YOU FIGHT:
Furia Guerrero: Don’t. there’s a reason her name is “Furia.” even if you could survive her assault to begin with, she’s a respected bar owner in Bossville. expect the full fury of her crew and her patrons as well.
Angelique Capulet: Don’t unless you like receiving pain. she likes doling out pain. the girl once dissolved one of her gang rivals in a vat of lye. she’s ruthless and vicious. don’t fight her. best option is to “fight” her and end up in her playroom instead. you’ll still end up beaten and bruised, but alive.
Meredith White: The guy’s an Incubus. a literal lust demon. you’ll be doing less fighting as you’d be doing fucking. so if you got a lot of sexual tension to let out, fight Meredith. otherwise no. he’s a master at Capoeira and between talons, claws, wings, horns and a prehensile tail, you’re out-limbed.
Jack White: sure, fight Jack. you won’t win, though. the guy’s already dead. better to befriend him and get some great stories from old Stilwater and get drunk.
Shackles: what are you, nuts? she’s 7 feet tall and built like a swole kangaroo meets she-hulk. she’ll tear you apart.
Tiff Sheffer: don’t fight her. not only will you feel bad about fighting an adorable short purple alien with tentacle hair, she’s dating Angel de la Muerte and has most certainly picked up most of his finishing moves.
Sam: the kid is plenty scrappy, but if you expect to win, don’t fight sam. otherwise, go ahead. he’s a fun tussle and has plenty of energy, but his size and feistiness will always get him the win.
Cyrus: don’t fight Cyrus. he’s an adorable Canadian cinnamon roll. boy’s been though too much.
Meryl: fight her. it’ll be hilarious when her chickens come to retaliate and kick your ass.
Colin: fight him. it’ll be hilarious when Meryl sends her chickens to retaliate and kick your ass.
Lux: fight Lux at your peril, she seems like a fashion doll, but she’ll grab you by the hair and headbutt you seven ways from Sunday, then Matt will leak your nudes to all the local media channels.
Arielle: fight her. laugh at her when she looks like she’s a clumsy doof. cry bloody murder when she pulls a 180 and spinkicks your knees out from under you. her clumsiness means she doesnt feel much pain anymore. you may get in a few good hits, but she’s not gonna stop for anything.
Eli Mitchell: dont fight Eli. unless it’s a hot shirtless fight club fight. then Eris, Ang and Furia will be in the corner hooting and hollering their appreciation. you’ll still get your ass kicked hard, but it’ll be a great show.
BONUS--TINA HALL AND LUCA LOREN-- Tina can and will curbstomp you with every dirty trick she knows--there’s a reason she’s survived this long in this world. and Luca? don’t fight him. you’ll feel bad for messing up his pretty face and prettier hair. plus if you do try to fight him, you’ll never find him. just a bullet in your brain from a few rooftops over.
