agot; chapter xxvi, jon iv
i have a post somewhere in my first liveblog about how gilly's perpetual listless misery after she is separated from her baby is seen as particularly disturbing and uncouth by everyone around her because she is making her grief too obvious. it is specifically against westerosi culture to identify yourself as scared or sad or alone. it's a theme with sam ofc, who people just see as being outwardly pathetic, but also very strongely a theme with theon who is so visibly tortured and broken, and then with jeyne who cannot stop weeping, and with gilly. when people are hurt in westeros that is one thing, but when people are too obvious about their hurts that is another. even if someone is not blamed for being harmed, they are blamed for being too obvious about the harm that was caused them.
it sort of goes directly against the famous tyrionism:
agot; chapter v, jon i
if knowing what you are involves acknowledging how badly you've been hurt, no amount of owning up to it will earn you anything but scorn
to me this is a westerosi social convention that is separate from how poorly they treat people with visible physical disabilities. it's not a judgement on who you are inherently (a dwarf, a bastard, a cripple, etc.) it's a judgement on... a judgment on what is regarded as "wallowing". indulging too deeply in your own hurt. shamefully bringing your hurt to the awareness of others rather than stuffing it down.
it highlights to me how much of westerosi social convention is based on purposeful performance. which is also interesting because this is something that sansa becomes very good at for her own protection, and something she is rewarded for in-universe (it helps her hold on to what little safety is afforded her) and something she is openly reviled for in fandom
