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Healing Takes Time

Notes: So, I did a thing. Did anyone ask for this? Well, I did. I asked for it and I answered. Good job, self. Anyway, I made a new crackship. Does it make sense. No, not really, but I find it adorable. We all know I'm trash for Lorcan Salvaterre from the Throne of Glass series, well here's some Lorcan and Sam Cortland. Because I say so.

This fic is heavily inspired by my Abomination fic. This is kind of what the original ending was intended to be, sort of, but I just decided to change it to make it its own. But it's not necessary to read one before the other. Though, I am proud of Abomination. Anyway...

Summary: Lorcan Salvaterre has returned home from a treatment facility after attempting suicide. He finds a friend in someone he met in person once, but has hundreds of texts back and forth with. Sam Cortland was in an abusive relationship, but had the right mind to end it before things got any worse. His life changes when Lorcan invites him into his life.

Triggers: Mentions of attempted suicide, descriptions of attempted suicide, mentions of blood, language, depression, sexual abuse/rape/sex for favors, abusive ex, physical abuse, mental health issues, self-esteem issues, gay sex

Word count: 6966

Chapter 1

What a night. Lorcan collapsed on his bed thoroughly exhausted. Before he went to sleep, he rolled over and turned on his phone. He hid it under his pillow as a million notification sounds went off. Once they were finally done, he just swiped most of them away. He opened his texts and saw an unread message from Sam Cortland.

Sam: I hope you’re doing okay. Let me know when you’re home?

The message was sent two and half months ago when he had admitted himself to a mental health facility following a brutal suicide attempt.

Lorcan: Hey. I’m finally home.

He wasn’t expecting a reply. It was late and who knew what Sam was up to lately. They barely knew each other. They had only met in person once, but they had texted and video called a lot before Lorcan’s attempted suicide. Who knew if he was even still in Orynth. Lorcan knew he was originally from Adarlan and had talked about going back. He hoped he was still here, hoped he would still want to see him. He wanted to still be friends. It was so easy for Lorcan to talk to Sam. And not to mention that Lorcan found Sam incredibly attractive with his shining bronze hair and melted caramel eyes, his lean, fit body and the sexy Adarlanian accent. It also helped that Sam didn’t seem to bat an eye at his past.

Lorcan was startled out of his thoughts when his phone buzzed, he reached over and grabbed it even though it was probably just an email or some social media notification. It wasn’t. He tapped the new message.

Sam: Hey. How are you doing?

Lorcan smiled as he rolled on his side, pulled the blankets up. He bent his knees and started typing a reply.

Lorcan: I’m doing well. I came out to my friends today.

When he had finally arrived at home from the treatment facility, there was a small get together with all his friends. Rowan had picked him up and brought him home. It was a warm welcome, something he hadn’t expected. That’s when he decided it was time to come out, they were all there anyway. Lorcan received tons of support, though he wondered how long that support would last. It was nice, exhausting, but nice.

Sam: That’s great! I’m proud of you. :)

Lorcan: Thanks. How have you been?

Sam: I got into a bad relationship about two months ago. I finally got the nerve to end it about two weeks ago. So, honestly, I’m better than I was, but I’m still not great.

His heart ached thinking of Sam in a bad relationship. Though, he was proud of him for having the courage to get out of it.

Lorcan: I’m sorry that happened. I’m glad you got out of it though. If you want to talk about it, I’m here.

Sam: Thanks. Well, I have to get to sleep. I have an appointment tomorrow. I’m glad you’re home.

Lorcan: Goodnight.

He laid in bed for a while, scrolling through several different social media feeds. There was so much he had missed. Elide and Manon got engaged, Aelin and Rowan finally set a wedding date. Lysandra and Aedion were pregnant, and Fenrys was officially going steady with Asterin. Lorcan was happy for all of them, but it didn’t stop the twang of envy that flitted through him. He always felt like he was behind all of his friends. Being in the closet his entire life, he has never had a real relationship, unless he counted the fling with his college roommate. Which he didn’t because it was just sex and experimentation, for both of them. But his friends were getting married, having kids, making lives for themselves and Lorcan was just by himself in his tiny one bedroom house. That had been one of the main reasons he tried to take his life. Hopelessness had made him dive head first into his depression, becoming so lost and lonely. He felt unloved by everyone. Even Rowan, his best friend, had pushed him to the back burner when he met Aelin.

---

He was sitting in the same spot that he had the first time he was here, a glass of whiskey in his hand. Sam was supposed to meet him so they could catch up. He messaged earlier in the day and said he would be late. Staghorns, the gay bar where he first met Sam, was quiet and he was thankful for that. His phone buzzed next to his glass, he opened the notification and worry creased his brow.

Sam: Can we meet at your house instead?

He messaged back that he would be home in ten minutes before dropping more than enough money on the counter and quickly walked home. Sam was already there, still sitting in his car. Lorcan walked up the drive and looked in the car window, his heart sinking at the sight of his friend. He was wearing sunglasses, a baseball hat and the hood of his jacket was pulled up. Fuck. Lorcan gently tapped on the window causing Sam to flinch and he instantly regretted his action. He pulled out his keys as Sam hesitantly exited his car and followed him up to the front door. The tension that radiated off of Sam was tangible and Lorcan wanted nothing more than to make Sam feel safe.

As soon as they were safely inside, Lorcan quietly asked, “What happened, Sam?” He put his hands in his pockets. He had a feeling what happened, but needed to know for sure. Sam took off his sunglasses, hat and hood. The bruise and swelling taking over the side of Sam’s face made Lorcan’s stomach lurch. He really wanted to pull Sam against him and make him feel safe, but he didn’t move, he swallowed harshly and then clenched his jaw. He wanted nothing more than to hurt whoever did this, red slicing over his vision. Before he could do something stupid, he went to the kitchen and grabbed a bag of frozen vegetables and a hand towel. He slowly approached the man in his living room, Sam’s arms were wrapped around his body, staring into nothingness. “Here,” Lorcan said as held out the bag of veggies. Sam didn’t move, so Lorcan took a tentative step toward him. “Sam, I’m going to gently put this on your face, okay?” Those sad caramel eyes looked up at him from beneath his lashes. He hissed as the frozen bag touched his skin, eyes never breaking contact with Lorcan’s near black eyes.

After what felt like eternity and also seconds, Sam broke eye contact and took the makeshift ice pack from Lorcan’s hand before sitting on the couch. “Can we just watch one of those stupid movies you like?” His voice was shaky.

“Sure,” Lorcan grabbed the remote and turned on the TV before playing Batman and Robin. He thought that would be a safe movie for Sam. “Do you need anything else?” he asked as the logos started playing on the screen.

“Water? And a blanket?” HIs voice was still a little shaky, “Please?” He nodded as he went to the closet and grabbed a fluffy blanket before getting a glass of water and then returning to the living room. Sam was curled up with his head on the arm of the couch, arms once again wrapped around himself, knees pulled close to his chest, the frozen bag of vegetables laying on his face. Lorcan put the glass down close enough that Sam could reach it and very gently draped the blanket on his body. The quietest thanks came from the boy that Lorcan barely caught it. Lorcan wasn’t sure that Sam would want him so close, so he sat on the armchair that was at the opposite end of the couch.

---

Sam hadn’t been sure if he should see Lorcan today after what he had just gone through, but he had felt safe in Lorcan’s presence. When he showed Lorcan what his face looked like, he hated seeing the pain and shock and… anger that rippled through his features. He knew then that he would be safe here. He didn’t want to go back home after his ex had basically forced himself in and tried to "apologize," but after Sam didn’t take him back, had started beating him. He had never felt so helpless as a fist met his face and his gut after he was forcefully pushed against the wall.

“You’re a fucking whore and a useless fucking piece of shit! Oh, are you crying, you fucking little cunt?!”

The words just played over and over again. He tried really hard to not let his tears fall, he didn’t want Lorcan to think he was weak and useless, but he failed as he sniffled. He heard Lorcan stand and move closer. “Sam?” Concern laced his voice as Lorcan knelt down next to the coffee table in front of him, Sam was thankful for the respectful distance he kept, but he wanted him closer, he wanted comfort, maybe it was the softness on Lorcan’s face. He untucked his hand from under the blanket and reached for the man in front of him. Lorcan’s dark eyes darted between his hand and face before hesitantly joining their hands together. Sam gently tugged Lorcan towards him, he scooted closer, sitting with his side to the front of the couch, his arm on the cushion, still holding Sam’s hand. Sam watched him as the other’s eyes roved over his face before reaching up with his other hand to move the thawing bag of vegetables on his face.

“Is it feeling better?” He removed it since it wasn't cold anymore and placed it on the coffee table. Sam only hummed in acknowledgement and gave Lorcan’s hand a squeeze which caused the corner of his lips to turn up a little. Lorcan whispered, “You’re safe here, okay?” Apparently, that was too much for Sam because he couldn’t keep in his tears anymore as a small sob left his mouth. Lorcan frowned, a crease forming between his brows. "Can I hold you?"

"Please," Sam's voice was wet with tears. Lorcan asked him to sit up so he could slide in behind him. One leg against the back of the couch, the other along the armrest. Sam was then gently tucked against Lorcan's chest. He hissed when a little too much pressure was put on his side. Lorcan cursed and then murmured an apology, every movement following was done with care until they were both comfortable. Sam let his tears fall while Lorcan had a hand gently massaging his scalp, the other sat on his arm, his thumb rubbing back and forth.

---

Lorcan awoke to a blanket being draped over his shoulders. Apparently Elide had come to check on him when he didn’t answer her calls, she was the only one who ever checked on him after he got home. She just smiled at him softly and kissed his temple, he returned her smile before she turned off the TV and all the lights. Sam made a small pained sound as he shifted against Lorcan's chest, Lorcan looked down at him, a frown seemingly etched into his brow. He lifted his hand and placed it once again on the back of Sam's head, gently running his fingers through short bronze hair, nails softly grazing his scalp. Another sound squeaked out of the boy in his arms, but this time it was contentment. Lorcan pressed his lips against Sam's hair, but didn't leave a kiss, just rested his face against him, wanting to be closer.

He liked holding Sam. It was comfortable and natural. He just wished it was under better circumstances. He wished this had been a proper movie night date and they cuddled up to watch the movie rather than Lorcan trying to comfort his friend who is hurting in multiple ways. If he hadn't gone suicidal and admitted to a treatment facility all those months ago, he could have been there for Sam. Maybe they would have started dating rather than Sam falling for an abusive asshole. But there was no point dwelling on the "what if's." He couldn't change the past, he only hoped he could help make things better for the caramel eyed beauty in his arms. And if Lorcan was only a friend, that would be okay.

For now, he would make Sam feel safe. Help him heal. If Sam wanted his help anyway. He wouldn't force himself to be included in his friends life.

Sam stirred again, his hand slid under Lorcan's shirt and rested against his ribs. Lorcan sucked in a breath at the contact. His hand was soft and warm and made Lorcan's skin burn. It didn't help that Sam's smell was invading his nostrils, he smelled of oakmoss and lavender. He needed to get a grip. Now was definitely not the time. He was fairly certain it was his ex who hit him. Lorcan was here to comfort Sam, not hope for something more. He leaned his head against the back of the couch and tried to go back to sleep.

---

Sam hadn't been very comfortable, everything hurt, but he felt safe and sleep came easy. He had always felt safe around Lorcan, it was always easy to talk to him and just be near him. At Staghorns, Sam had felt drawn to the broody guy at the end of the bar and he still felt that way. And he was so warm. Sometime in the night he had snuggled in as close as he could. His face was nuzzled against Lorcan's neck, his hand was under his shirt.

Before Sam woke up enough to figure out that he shouldn't be cuddling Lorcan like this, they were only friends after all, he wiggled closer to the warm body holding him. But the smell wasn't right. In his sleepy stupor, he had forgotten where he was, who he was with. Arobynn didn't smell like rain hitting hot asphalt. He smelled like expensive cologne. His eyes shot open and he pulled away, his cheeks turning pink. The quick movement caused pain to shoot through his side and he let out a small cry.

"Sam, are you okay?" Lorcan's voice was deep and a little gravelly from sleep.

"Fuck, I didn't mean to fall asleep, I'm sorry. I should go." He stood, wincing as he straightened. Sleeping like that was definitely a bad idea. Everything was aching more than it did yesterday.

"Sam, please talk to me," Lorcan pleaded. He put both feet on the floor, hands hanging limply between his legs, looking defeated. "Please," he whispered. All Sam could do was sigh and then lick his lips and then sigh again. Lorcan looked down at his hands, his voice so quiet Sam almost missed what he said, "I just want to know you're safe."

With a defeated sigh Sam gave Lorcan the quick abridged version, frustration finding its way into his voice, "My ex came by to apologize and when I said it was still over, he hit me. Happy?" The man who hadn't pushed him, but gave him comfort all night looked up at him, hurt flashing over his face, but also anger before schooling his features. Guilt suddenly flooded through him.

“I’m sorry,” Lorcan murmured, “Will you be safe at home?” He was staring at his hands as he picked at his nails. Sam wasn’t sure how to answer that, he really didn’t know. And if he wasn’t, what was he supposed to do about it? He didn’t have any family here, they were all in Adarlan, and he didn’t necessarily feel like he had any close friends here. He mostly kept to himself, acted like he had friends at Staghorns, but that was it really. Arobynn was his first real relationship here and that had turned out well. Not. Why were relationships so hard for him?

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, “I don’t know. Not that it matters, I have nowhere else to go.”

Lorcan looked up at him with sad eyes. “You’re welcome to stay here.” He licked his lips, “If- if you want.” Sam took a deep breath before sitting back down on the couch next to Lorcan. There were several moments when they sat there in silence. Sam wasn’t sure what to do. He had felt safe last night when Lorcan gave him space, and when he catered to his needs, asked for consent to hold him, and especially when his strong arms were gently wrapped around him and he played with his hair. Arobynn hadn’t done any of those things.

“Okay,” he agreed. Lorcan’s eyes searched his face.

“Okay?” His brows lifted in question.

“I’ll stay here for a couple days. I’ll sleep on the couch.” He needed stuff from home though and didn’t really feel like going there by himself. “Will you come with me to get clothes from home?” Sam couldn’t look at the man next to him.

“Whatever you need, Sam.”

---

Lorcan went with Sam to his apartment, it was a little surreal. He didn’t live in a great part of town and Lorcan could tell that he was embarrassed to bring him along. He didn’t judge him though, he grew up in places like this, sometimes in even worse parts of town. The foster care system didn’t always have the best foster parents available.

Sam moved quickly throughout the small space he called home. Quickly shoving clothes into a duffel bag among other things, toiletries, books, phone charger and headphones. After that bag was packed, he grabbed another bag, carefully stowing a couple battery packs and lenses and a laptop. “Okay, let’s go.” He shouldered both bags, looking nervous about… everything.

“Hey,” Lorcan’s voice was soft. “It’s going to be okay.” Sam bowed his head, Lorcan leaned down to look up at him with what he hoped was a comforting smile. He nodded. “Do you need anything else?” Sam shook his head in response as Lorcan held out a hand to take one of his bags, but Sam put his hand in his instead and gave it a squeeze. He huffed a laugh, “Can I help carry something?” Lorcan gave his friend’s hand a squeeze back. An adorable flush spread up Sam’s cheeks as he realized what just happened. He tried to pull his hand back, but Lorcan wouldn’t let it go and reached over with his free hand to take the duffel bag. “Come on.” He led them out the door, only letting go of Sam’s hand so he could lock the door. Their hands found each other after his keys were pocketed. Lorcan bit the inside of his cheek as he glanced over at the man walking next to him.

“Thank you,” Sam muttered quietly when they made it back to his car. He shifted his camera bag on his shoulder before taking a deep breath and opening the trunk of his car to put his things in. Sam slumped into the driver seat and drove them back to Lorcan’s. They argued over who was going to sleep on the couch. Lorcan won, Sam would be taking his room.

Lorcan was quietly watching a movie on the couch, a pillow tucked under his head, a blanket draped over his legs. He heard the famed floor squeak from the hall causing him to turn his head towards the sound.

“Hey,” Sam whispered as he fidgeted with the hem of his sleep shirt.

“Hi, you okay?” Lorcan sat up, concern forming between his brows.

“Couldn’t sleep,” he looked at his feet as he answered. Lorcan couldn’t help but let the corner of his lips curl with how cute Sam looked in this moment.

“You wanna finish this movie with me?” He resituated himself into a sitting position, feet on the floor. His friend shuffled over and sat next to him, bending a leg under himself.

“Um,” Sam once again was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. Lorcan had only ever seen Sam be confident and assertive, seeing him so vulnerable made him want to hurt the man who hurt his friend. He sighed, “Will you…” Lorcan paused the movie and set his hand on the couch between them, an offer of comfort. Sam copied him, their pinkies touching. “Hold me?”

“Course.” Lorcan shifted so his back was against the armrest, his right leg pressed along the back of the couch, arms open. Sam crawled over and curled his knees to his chest and his head against Lorcan’s chest. Olive arms wrapped around him after draping the blanket around them.

“You can finish your movie,” Sam muttered as he nuzzled his face against Lorcan’s chest. Lorcan reached over and pressed play on the remote, he shifted back to get comfortable, Sam burying deeper into his arms. His fingers subconsciously played with the hair at the nape of Sam’s neck.

---

Sam twisted his head so he could look up at Lorcan. His eyes on the movie, fingers slowly brushing through the short hairs at the back of his neck. For a while, he just watched the man holding him, his face stoic, but not unfriendly, his eyes moving, following what’s happening on the screen. The soft bluish glow, lighting up his dark eyes and glinting so subtly off his midnight hair. He thought Lorcan was beautiful.

Arobynn would never hold him like this. Unless he got something out of it, unless he got some sexual reward for being nice. He missed who he used to be before meeting Arobynn. He had been strong, independent, and confident. Now, he felt meek and fragile. Yet, cradled here in the arms of a man, who has been through so much, he felt comfortable. Like it did the other night when Lorcan held him while he cried. That was why he came out here, he couldn’t sleep alone. Granted, Lorcan’s bed was comfortable and the smell was slightly intoxicating, being alone wasn’t something he could do right now.

His eyes roved over Lorcan’s face, his jawline, his neck. All of a sudden, he had the urge to kiss that neck, caress his fingers over his jaw. Sam swallowed before slowly stretching up and pressing his lips against Lorcan’s neck. The fingers in his hair stilled, his breath hitched. He murmured an apology before returning to his previous position. Lorcan’s hand moved up into his hair, gently massaging his scalp as he leaned down and placed a kiss upon his head. “I liked it,” he hummed against his locks. Sam pulled back to look at the man, a softness in Lorcan’s eyes, and a small smile on his lips.

That gave him courage, he lifted his hand, fingers grazed Lorcan’s jaw, Sam’s thumb ghosted over his lips as Lorcan’s eyes shuttered and leaned into his palm that rested against his cheek. He continued exploring the contours of his face, learning the shape of his nose, the sweep of his brow before his fingers pushed into his hair and landing on the back of his neck. Slowly, he pulled Lorcan towards him, meeting him part way. His lips were soft and warm and he just wanted to melt into him. Lorcan pressed one more kiss to him before pulling away, his thumb brushing the soft spot under his ear. Their foreheads touched, noses nuzzled, Sam sighed in contentment.

“Sleep now,” Lorcan breathed against his cheek before softly grazing his right cheek against Sam’s left. They both reshuffled how they lay. Lorcan scooted down so his head was on the armrest, Sam laying on his chest, legs nestled between Lorcan’s. Fingers once again carding through his hair, Sam nearly purring at his touch. He could get used to this.

Lorcan woke up with half of his body hanging off the couch. The only reason he wasn’t on the floor at all was because Sam was draped over half of his body. The boy had his forehead pressed against his neck, arm hanging across his torso, a leg twisted around his leg that was still on the couch. He could only chuckle at the situation they were in. Maybe tonight they should sleep in his bed instead. It would definitely be better on his back. He lifted his discarded hand to brush Sam’s bangs off his face, gently tucking it behind his ear. Sam groaned and buried his face more into the crook of Lorcan's neck. Lorcan only smiled and let his knuckles brush against the apple of Sam's cheek.

It wasn’t long after that when Sam awoke, lifting his head, taking in Lorcan’s precarious position. A few moments later, he started giggling, “I didn’t mean to take over the couch.”

“I think we should take the bed tonight.” He paused. “If you, uh… if you want.”

Sam propped himself up on his elbow to look Lorcan in the face. “I think that would probably be best,” he smirked. Then, he pressed a quick kiss to Lorcan’s cheek, an adorable blush flushing over his cheeks as he pulled back. “Is it okay if I shower?” All he could do was nod as he was suddenly much more aware of everywhere they were touching. Sam shifted to get up which caused Lorcan to finally fall off the couch with a soft ‘oof’ and that resulted in the other man laughing while apologizing. Lorcan just laughed too. He was expecting it. Fortunately, pillows and blankets had fallen off the couch overnight so his landing was much softer than it normally would have been.

---

The bronze haired man made his way to Lorcan’s room, softly closing the door behind him. Sam leaned against the now closed door and let out a long shaky breath. What the hell was that? He felt confused, though should he really? Lorcan had a strange effect on him, Sam’s body had tingled everywhere it was touching his, he wondered if Lorcan felt the same. His heart was finally calming down. He grabbed his bag before heading into the adjoining bathroom. After undressing, he inspected his bruises. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t sore, but he was mostly glad he had joined Lorcan on the couch.

When he had been trying to sleep in the bed, he just kept thinking Arobynn was going to burst through the door and hit him again. He had gotten enough courage after an hour or so to go see if Lorcan was still awake. The soft murmur of the TV gave him hope that he was, he just wanted to be held and Lorcan’s embrace was comforting. Sam hadn’t given his ex a second thought after he had collapsed into those open arms.

In the shower, Sam smelled Lorcan’s shampoo and body wash. He really enjoyed how Lorcan smelled, like a fresh rain after a hot day. Abandoning all reason, he just used his shampoo and body wash instead of his own. Hopefully Lorcan wouldn’t mind. He needed all the comfort he could get at the moment. The warmth of the water calmed his aching body, the water flowing over his face as he ran his fingers through his now clean hair. How did he let his life get so messed up? Standing in a tub that wasn’t his or Arobynn’s without any expectations of him. Sam blew out a breath, water blowing away from his lips.

Lorcan was so considerate and sweet even after all the things he had been through, even after he had attempted suicide. Always asked for consent, backtracked if he felt like he overstepped, it was amazingly refreshing. But did he deserve that? Gods, he hated that his ex changed how he felt about himself and what he felt he was worthy of. He felt like he could have had a relationship with Lorcan several months ago, but why should it be any different now?

Over the next few days, Sam kept getting more and more attached to Lorcan. Each morning, he woke up in Lorcan’s bed and cuddled up against Lorcan’s chest or side. And each time he woke, Lorcan was always smiling softly at him with sleepy eyes and messy hair. It was fucking perfect. He didn’t want to ever leave, he didn’t want to go back home to his janky apartment where bad memories haunted the rooms. Yet, he felt like he couldn’t just stay here forever. It wasn’t like they were together, Lorcan was just helping him heal. Right? Lorcan never went to kiss him after that first morning, never made a move, never touched unless Sam asked. Had he been friendzoned? Did Lorcan only want to be a friend and nothing more? If so, he wasn’t sure what he would do.

“Are you sure it’s okay if I go to work today?” Lorcan turned onto his side to look at Sam. He had had the last few days off, but had to go back in today, Sam hadn’t been looking forward to being left alone. His own job was on hold right now, photographing people with a black eye wasn’t something he felt like doing.

“I think I’ll be okay.” Lorcan took advantage of their close proximity and bumped their noses together. Sam was a little shocked by the innocent affection since Lorcan didn’t ever initiate anything. Lorcan took that shock as a sign that he shouldn’t have done that, backing away and starting to get out of bed. “Hey,” Sam reached out and grabbed his arm. He turned back towards him with a guarded expression. “You just don’t give affection unless I ask, I was just a little surprised.” His teeth tugged on his lower lip before continuing, “I liked it and would like it if you did things like that more.” A warm flush coated his cheeks as Lorcan smiled at him before leaning over and nuzzling their noses together again.

Before Lorcan could get away, Sam put his hand on the back of Lorcan's neck and pulled him in for a kiss. He was tired of waiting and he was feeling bold. Lorcan made a surprised sound as their lips met, but quickly melted into it. Fingers ran through Sam's hair, eliciting a small moan from his throat, lips still pressed against Lorcan's. Lorcan pulled back to bump their noses together yet again. "I think we need to have a chat later about what we are," he said with a sly smile and a twinkle in his eye.

Sam pecked his lips one more time before agreeing and then flopping back on the bed. A goofy smile plastered on his face.

The rest of the day before Lorcan got off work wasn't nearly as nice. He worked on editing some photo shoots he was behind on, but it was hard to focus. Once his laptop was safely on the coffee table, he laid down on the couch cuddled under the blanket, headphones on listening to some of his favorite songs, mostly songs by Omar Rudberg even though he couldn’t understand most of them.

Next thing he knew, his hair was being brushed from his face. A smile played on his face after he opened his eyes when he saw Lorcan crouched in front of him, a soft look in his eyes. “Hey,” Lorcan whispered, luckily Sam’s playlist had long since ended. He pulled his headphones off, he went to reply, but only managed to yawn. Lorcan just chuckled at him.

“Shut up,” Sam joked.

Lorcan rested his arms on his knees, leaning a little on the coffee table, the corner of his mouth pulled up. “I’m gonna go shower, I smell like motor oil.” He stood as he said, “I just wanted to let you know I was home.” Sam hummed in acknowledgement as he watched Lorcan walk down the hall. He stretched and made his way to the kitchen to start making dinner. The pasta was just being mixed with the marinara when Lorcan walked in wearing basketball shorts and a t-shirt, his damp hair up in a messy bun. Sam suddenly felt like this was all extremely domestic and he really liked that feeling. Lorcan opened the fridge to pull out a soda, “What would you like to drink?”

Sam smiled, feeling extremely warm and fuzzy, “Soda?” He heard Lorcan grab another can before setting them on the small table.

“Need help?” Lorcan leaned against the counter next to the stove.

“Can you get the bowls?” He had to bite his lip to keep his smile from breaking across his face. A quizzical look crossed Lorcan’s face before he opened the cupboard to grab two bowls, then opened the drawer for two forks.

“I have done more dishes this week than I have in the last month,” Lorcan chuckled and shook his head slightly. Sam’s face fell a little at that comment, had he overstayed his welcome? The ever observant man who was sharing his home, caught it. “It was just an observation. I like having you here.” Lorcan reached a hand up, rested it against the side of Sam’s neck, his thumb brushing against his jaw. The space between them closed, he wasn’t sure who moved, but suddenly a soft, caring kiss was pressed to Sam’s forehead. Most of the time, Sam didn’t notice their height difference, but if it meant forehead kisses, he was totally for it.

Sam playfully pushed at Lorcan’s chest, he didn’t move an inch, only huffed a laugh. “Let’s eat,” he said as he portioned out some pasta in the bowls. They talked about their days as they ate, not that Sam had much to talk about since he napped for several hours without meaning to. Lorcan dealt with several stubborn cars, but Sam didn’t really follow because he knew absolutely nothing about cars. Lorcan did the dishes, the kitchen too small for a dishwasher, while he put away his laptop and headphones.

When he made his way back to the living space, it felt like there was something heavy in the air. Maybe it was the looming conversation they were supposed to have tonight about what they were. Honestly, he was afraid that Lorcan didn’t want what he did, not that he entirely knew what he wanted, but he did know that he wanted the man in the kitchen with scars on his arms. Wanted to be more than whatever they were right now, to be something that made that warm and fuzzy feeling he felt earlier to be an everyday thing.

“What’s wrong?” He hadn’t noticed Lorcan sit next to him on the couch. He wasn’t exactly sure how to answer that. Everything suddenly felt like a lot to handle. Maybe he was fine with whatever it was that they were, no labels. Lorcan turned to face him, bending a leg under himself, he gently ran his knuckles against Sam’s arm. It was oddly comforting, he always knew how to calm him down. Sam took a deep breath before letting himself sink back into the cushions. “We don’t have to talk about it now. But it should be soon.” Lorcan’s voice was soft and understanding.

“No, no. We should do this.” Sam looked up at the ceiling. “What-” he grunted in mild frustration. “What do you want us to be?”

“Boyfriends.” Sam jerked his head to look at the man next to him. He seemed so confident saying that one word. But then he saw the confidence wavering over his features, his eyes falling to look at the couch cushion between them, his fingers running over one of his cutting scars on his forearm. It was easy to forget that Lorcan had multiple mental health issues, depression, anxiety. It was easy to forget that he was also healing, that he had nearly succeeded in killing himself, had only recently come out to everyone he knew, that he had never had a real relationship before.

“I’d like that,” he said after a while, too lost in his thoughts thinking about Lorcan’s lifetime of trauma compared to his. Sam pulled Lorcan’s hand away from rubbing his scar raw, the skin already red and irritated, and held it between both of his.

“Are you sure?” He had never heard Lorcan’s voice so small. His face had become blank, eyes a little unfocused. Sam had no idea what was going on in the other’s mind.

“Yes.” Sam lifted Lorcan’s hand to his lips and pressed kisses to his knuckles. The fire within him stoked at his actions. Calluses covered Lorcan’s fingers and palm, and he suddenly wondered what that would feel like against his skin. But then the hand he was sweetly kissing was pulled out of his hands. Lorcan started curling into himself, knees pulled into his chest.

---

Minutes passed between Lorcan saying what he wanted and Sam agreeing. It felt like eternity to Lorcan. Doubts and fears started sprouting into his thoughts, every ounce of confidence gone. Rejection had always been Lorcan's biggest fears. It startled him how quickly the negative thoughts swirled in his head, how quickly they morphed every good thing over the last week into something bad, into manipulation, that Sam was just using him. He couldn’t do this. Breathing became hard, like his lungs were too small for his body. His jaw clenched so hard, his head started aching. Flashes of blood gushing down his arms flickering across his eyelids, forcing him to open them again so he didn’t have to see himself almost die again. It had been weeks since those images flooded his brain. He rested his forearms against his thighs that were almost pressed to his chest and stared at the scars, the wide, white scars, stark against his dark skin. His ears were roaring, his body was shaking, he couldn’t breathe. Why hadn’t he died that day?

He was lost in his mind for a while, unseeing, not moving, breathing shallow. Every time he closed his eyes, blood ran down his arms. It felt like reliving that day all over again, minus the sting and stickiness on his arms. After an unknown amount of time, there was a soothing motion rubbing his arms. Soft hands gently smoothing over his skin. His lungs seemed to be growing, making breathing easier. A wave of exhaustion rushed over him, his body slumping into the cushions. He wanted to close his eyes, but didn't want to see any more blood, so he fought to keep them open.

"Rest, Lor. I'm here. You're okay." He just shook his head. He couldn't rest. Didn't want to see the blood. But the more he fought, the more the exhaustion started winning. Lorcan hates panic attacks. Especially when they come on so fast. He wouldn’t have been able to control this one if he had tried. What was worse was he hadn’t had one since he was at the facility.

Sam gently pulled Lorcan into his arms, holding his head against his chest, an ear over his heart. Lorcan jolted awake half an hour later, breathing hard. The nightmare was always the same, always blood running down his arms, his friends surrounding him telling him how useless he was while he knelt in a pool of his own blood. “Shh, you’re okay,” Sam said as he smoothed a hand down Lorcan’s hair. “It was just a nightmare.” Sam’s other hand cupped his cheek and brushed away tears he didn’t know were there. He brought their foreheads together, Lorcan closed his eyes, it was just darkness now. A heavy sigh left him and his hands found Sam’s waist.

---

He shifted his body, placing his hands on Lorcan’s shoulders for support as he swung a leg over Lorcan’s lap, one leg now on either side of the other’s hips. Sam pressed their bodies together, holding Lorcan’s head against his neck, his other arm wrapped around his shoulders. They melted together as soon as Lorcan’s arms engulfed Sam’s torso. An apology was murmured into his skin, Sam shook his head as he tightened his grip. “You have no reason to be sorry. We’ve both been through shit which means we’re going to have moments we’re not proud of and panic attacks and low points, but we don’t need to apologize for them, okay?” Lorcan nodded against his neck.

They sat there wrapped up in each other for a long time. Sam was sure both of them had gone in and out of sleep a couple times. Both exhausted. He decided that they should just go to bed, but he needed to ask a question first. “Lor,” he said softly as his fingers scratched lightly at Lorcan’s scalp. He hummed in response. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

Lorcan lifted his head to look at him, he looked so tired, but that didn’t stop one of his hands sweep up to his neck, cupping at his nape and pulling him in, lips meeting, arms tightening around him. The kiss was somehow soft and desperate at the same time. Sam arched into him, a small sound escaping his mouth. But as soon as it happened, it ended. Lorcan pulled back, panting slightly. He palmed Lorcan’s cheek, wishing he could read his mind, but since he isn’t a telepath, he decided to default to humor, “Is that a yes?” Thankfully, that pulled a small huff of a laugh from the man he was straddling as Lorcan dropped his head on his shoulder.

“Yes,” he said into his collarbone.

“Good. Let’s go to bed. I think we could both use some proper cuddles and sleep, yeah?” Another nod was his answer. He pressed a kiss to Lorcan's hair before pulling him up and making their way to bed.

____

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