Hey everyone! Been a while, but I really need help here. I need to come out to my best friend (been friends our entire lives) and whatever I do I can't see it going any other way than him not taking it well. He's not transphobic, just socially awkward and seeing as we're super close, this big of a change is hard to bring up. Any suggestions?
I know what you mean! talking about gender with people I’m very close to is much harder for me than with acquaintances.
you say coming out is something you need to do - if that’s the case, then you gotta do what you gotta do, and his reaction is largely out of your hands.
to make it easier (mostly on you, but sure, also on him), you can open the conversation in a way that suits your relationship/communication styles.
you can try the casual, ‘hey, speaking of [tangentially related thing], I’ve been thinking lately I’m [gender identity]. and by ‘lately’ I mean ‘[however long],’ haha.’ you can take that, and any of these, in the direction of your experiences, your gender journey history, your identity, whatever you like.
or the more serious, ‘I have something important to tell you. is this a good time for a [time amount] discussion? this is scary/hard/[other emotion] to say, but I want to tell you because you’re my close friend. okay, ready? I’m [gender identity].
from the abstract to the concrete: ‘do you ever think about how people learn about their genders? like, blue for boys and pink for girls - the expectations start way early and surround everything we do. but it seems so much more complicated than that.’ this is an approach I’ve used to test the waters, so to speak, and see how open my conversant is to ideas of gender variance. sometimes I’ve gone ahead with the ‘reveal,’ and sometimes I’ve pulled the plug.
the mercifully abrupt: 'hey, guess what.' 'what?' 'I'm [gender identity]!' this is, I swear to rimsky-korsakov, the gentlest approach for some people. gives them less time to worry.
celebrities and media can be an effective approach. ‘I started watching orange is the new black. my favorite character is sophia - and the actress who plays her, laverne cox, is a trans woman herself! she’s an amazing role model for trans people, and that is so important to me.’ why is that important to you? well…
sometimes they even do the opener for you. one day out of the blue my uncle, who I never planned to come out to directly for various reasons, texted me with something like ‘you sure do post a lot of articles on facebook about trans things, but never with a sense of who you are. we want to see you too!’
that's what I've got off the top of my head. I reiterate, though, that his reaction is very likely to be what it is no matter how you decide to approach the subject. there's no way to make sure it goes well. we're all pulling for you, and hopefully all will turn out better than expected.
- mod leigh