she's loving my demeanor part eight
esdeekid x fem!reader
b.g. : y/n, a musician herself, is introduced to esdee's music by one of her friends. following him on instagram sets off a spiral into something greater.
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2 weeks later..
i'm scrolling on twitter and i stumble across a post which says:
"why has esdeekid been in new york for like three weeks 😭 what is he planning"
which i don't even know the answer to.
well, i sort of do - but i just don't understand it.
a week ago..
i laugh, passing a joint back to jay.
"wait, i thought you were only staying in new york for like, barely a week," i mention.
jay grabs the blunt from between my fingers, bringing it up to his lips and taking a drag, before exhaling the smoke.
"eh.. plans have changed," he says.
present time..
i read the comments of the post, some comments speculating that he might be staying because of me.
which isn't a pull from nowhere, because over the two, almost three, weeks he's been in new york, we've both posted pictures of each other without making it obvious that it's one another.
for instance, i'd post a picture and he might be in the back of it, but instead of showing his face (or any recognizable part of him) it's just the back of him, or the front of him but cut out. and he did the same for me.
i think somewhere along the way, it stopped feeling like he was just here to visit new york.
jay and i have hung out basically every day that he's been here. most days have been mellow, just us two at the studio trying to get shit done but simultaneously getting high off our asses. some days we've actually gone out and done shit, but it's really only been more tame things, like getting food and going to the store or something.
but he sort of just became apart of my routine.
the days we'd go to the studio, which was basically every day regardless of if we actually worked on the song or not, one of us would stop to get snacks, drinks, or weed to share during that time.
he knows which side of the couch i always sit on. he knows where i keep my extra chargers in my studio. he's gotten to know my manager a bit better over these days. just stuff that kind of appears simple but is actually a little bit more thoughtful once you think about it.
miso also loves him a lot, which is cute but almost feels like betrayal.
i usually bring her to the studio everyday so she's not home alone, and every time he gets up or walks somewhere she runs straight to him, following him around.
and we actually almost finished the song.
there's only the smallest bit of things that need to be tweaked before we drop it, but it's basically done.
the final version is sitting open on my laptop right now, paused at two minutes and thirty three seconds.
i can't stop myself from listening to it over and over, despite the time being considerably late.
our voices blend together in a way that's different from anything we've both ever made.
it's almost surreal to me, that just a few weeks ago my friend introduced me to esdeekid's music and now, after some communication, we actually got together to create something.
the internet is going to lose its fucking mind.
especially because jay sounds different on this track.
he sounds softer than usual.
and the same goes for me.
it's like we took the slight differences in our own music and brought them together to make something newer, but not completely out of our comfort zones.
which is why neither of us have posted any clips of it yet.
my phone buzzes from beside me, on top my comforter.
jay
u awake?
it's only been around two hours since we decided to call it a night at the studio. i stare at the message for a second before replying.
y/n
no
i see him start to type back instantly.
jay
right my bad
i laugh quietly to myself. a few seconds later another message comes through.
jay
come to ur garage
my eyebrows furrow
y/n
huh
jay
just come outside
i sit up in bed, miso lifting her head from where she's curled against my stomach.
"what do you tink he wants?" i ask her dramatically.
she blinks at me.
i smile, scratching behind her ears before pulling myself out of bed.
i slip on some slippers and throw on a zip-up over my pajama shirt, exiting my apartment and heading to the garage.
it's almost two in the morning.
cold air immediately hits my face the second i open the door to the garage.
from afar, i notice jay leaning against his rental car parked next to my own. he's wearing all black, his hood is up, and his hands are in his pockets.
his eyes meet mine almost instantly.
i walk over to him.
"hi," he says casually.
i stare at him.
"..it's two o'clock in the morning, jay."
"mhm," he hums.
"why are you here?"
he shrugs slightly, a light smile pulling at his lips.
"couldn't sleep."
i narrow my eyes a bit at him. "and your solution was to drive here?"
"seemed logical at the time."
i laugh softly, shaking my head as i lean against my car, mimicking his position but facing him.
"you're weird," i tell him.
"yeah," he says.
for a second neither of us say anything.
it's quiet outside, the only sound around being the one of the cars speeding down the street during the dark hours of the night. the garage lights cast a dim yellow glow across the pavement, as well as ourselves, and everything feels strangely still.
jay looks at me for a moment before speaking again.
"i think the song's done."
my expression softens.
"yeah?" i ask.
he nods.
"listened to it again when i got back to my hotel," he pauses. "there's one small thing we could add. but it's good."
i grin a little. "yeah, i know."
he laughs quietly through his nose, looking down at the pavement for a second.
"cocky."
"you're literally the one who said it first," i grin.
"true," he agrees.
another silence settles over us, but it's not awkward.
it never really is with him anymore.
then jay looks back up at me.
"you nervous to drop it?" he asks.
i guess i am, a little bit.
but i don't answer immediately.
because i don't think i'm nervous about the song.
i think i'm nervous about everything that comes with it.
and i'm not just talking about the people on the internet who are gonna have something to say about me or jay, that happens regardless of what i put out or do.
i'm more afraid of what happens to us after.
does he just leave, go back to liverpool? pack up and go to his home that's thousands of miles away, like he didn't live in the same new york hotel room for three weeks straight?
jay studies my face for a second, like he's trying to figure out what i'm thinking about due to my delayed response.
unfortunately for me, he's gotten weirdly good at reading my expression lately.
"what?" he asks quietly.
i blink, realizing ice been staring off.
"nothing," i answer automatically.
his thick eyebrows raise a little.
"liar."
i let out a soft laugh through my nose, looking down at the concrete beneath my slippers.
"i'm just thinking."
"'s dangerous when you do it."
i roll my eyes. "oh, shut up."
he smiles a little bit at that.
for a few second i debate whether or not i should actually say what's on my mind.
because it feels stupid. dramatic, even.
it's not like jay and i are dating. he doesn't owe me anything.
we haven't kissed. we haven't had some big emotional confession. technically, this entire thing could still be explained away as two artists working together becoming friends in the process.
except it doesn't feel like that.
not anymore.
at least definitely not for me.
and i think he might know that too.
i lean my head back slightly before finally speaking.
"when are you going home?" i ask casually.
maybe too casually. i don't want to make it seem like i care a whole lot - though i do.
jay's expression quickly shifts, subtle enough that i probably wouldn't have noticed it a few weeks ago.
but i do now.
he looks at me for a moment before shrugging lightly.
"don't know yet."
my stomach twists a little at his reply.
because that answer somehow feels worse than one that is set in stone.
"you haven't booked a flight?" i question.
he shakes his head once.
"nah."
i nod slowly, pretending like his words aren't affecting me at all.
the quiet settles back in for a second before jay speaks again.
"you want me to leave?" he asks.
my head snaps toward him immediately.
"what? no," i tell him.
he watches me carefully.
"then what's with the interrogation?" he asks me.
i laugh softly, looking down at my feet, but there's more nerves within me now. i look back up at him.
"it's not an interrogation," i defend.
"feels like one," he tells me.
i look away from him again.
"i just..." i pause. "i don't know."
jay stays quiet, letting me continue.
"it's weird," i finish.
"what is?"
i gesture vaguely between us.
"this," i respond.
his eyes flick down to my hand before looking back at me.
"we met like three weeks ago and now you're here basically every day. hell, i didn't even know about you a month ago," i exaggerate, quietly breathing out a laugh. "my cat likes you more than me. my manager literally asked me yesterday if you secretly moved to new york."
that gets a real smile out of him.
"did he actually?" jay chuckles.
"yes."
he grins, shaking his head slightly.
i smile too, but it fades after a second.
"i think i'm just not really used to..." i trail off, trying to find the right wording without making anything awkward. "getting attached to people this quickly."
maybe i should've taken another second to think, because the second the words leave my mouth i almost regret them.
what a way to expose myself.
but jay doesn't tease me for it.
he doesn't laugh.
he doesn't even crack the smallest smile.
instead, his face softens in a way i haven't really seen before.
it's warm.
"yeah," he says after a moment. "me neither."
the tightening of my chest is beginning to bother me.
the garage, despite it's huge size, suddenly feels way too small.
it's too quiet.
jay looks at me for a few long seconds before he speaks again.
"for what it's worth," he says gently, "i'm in no rush to leave."
and god.
that shouldn't affect me as much as it does.
i look down for a second, trying to hide the smile that's threatening to pull at my lips.
"good," i murmur.
his eyes stay on me.
then he tilts his head slightly.
"you cold?" he asks me
i blink.
"a little."
without saying anything else, jay leans off of his rented car and onto mine, right beside me.
it closes the space between us, just enough that i can feel his warmth now.
my breath catches a little embarrassingly. and i'm pretty sure he notices.
because the way his eyes flick briefly down to my mouth before meeting my eyes again isn't normal.
the tension shifts into something heavier than before.
i don't think either of us fully realize how close we've actually gotten until neither of us move away.
my heart is pounding so hard it's starting to irritate me.
jay's gaze drops again for half a second.
then back up.
"y/n," he quietly starts.
the way he says my name almost feels dangerous.
and i swear the entire world goes silent for a second.
i don't even hear the distant sound of traffic anymore, just my own heartbeat ringing in my ears.
jay's eyes stay locked on mine. they're too focused, too intense.
he's close enough now that i can smell the mix of cannabis and his choice of cologne lingering on his hoodie.
"what?" i ask quietly, almost automatically.
but it comes out much softer than i intended.
his gaze flicks down toward my mouth again.
god, my stomach flips.
jay lets out a slow breath through his nose before speaking.
"you've been looking at me like you've had something you needed to say for the past five minutes," he says.
heat immediately rushes to my face.
"that's not true," i tell him.
he gives me a knowing look.
"y/n."
i groan quietly, dropping my head back against my car for a second. "oh my gosh."
he laughs softly beside me.
he's not making fun of me, though. if anything, he sounds nervous too.
but somehow kind of makes this all worse.
or better?
i can't tell anymore.
i look back at him, trying to ignore how close he is to me.
"you bother me," i mumble.
"you like me anyways."
the response leaves his mouth so naturally that neither of us react at first.
then my eyes widen slightly.
jay seems to realize what he said about half a second later because he goes quiet too.
the air between us changes instantly.
neither of us move from our spots.
i can literally see him thinking.
debating whether to walk it back or not.
my heart beats even harder when he doesn't.
instead, his eyes stay on mine.
they're careful, searching.
like he's waiting to see if he fucked up.
so i decide to stop overthinking for once in my life.
"maybe i do," i say softly.
jay goes completely still - tense, almost.
his lips part slightly like he wasn't expecting me to admit that.
which is fair, because i wasn't expecting it either.
i usually dodge around anything remotely serious between us.
the garage suddenly feels way too warm despite the air actually being cold.
my chest feels too tight.
but not in a bad way.
jay stares at me for another long second before quietly laughing through his nose.
not because it's funny. but because he seems genuinely caught off guard.
"fuck," he mutters under his breath.
i smile nervously. "well that's a good reaction."
"no, no," he says quickly, shaking his head a little. "just-"
he cuts himself off, eyes flicking away from mine for the first time all night. then back to me.
"thought i was imagining it."
the nerves in my stomach almost bubble a little more than i can handle.
i swallow, trying to act unaffected.
failing horribly.
"you weren't," i tell him.
there's, once again, another small pause of silence.
jay's eyes drift down to my lips and this time he doesn't try to play it off.
my breath catches. again.
it's ridiculous how aware i suddenly am of every tiny thing.
the sleeve of his hoodie brushing mine.
the way his rings and chain glint under the garage lights.
how close his face is to mine now.
he tilts his head slightly.
very slowly.
like he's giving me the time to pull away if i want to.
but i don't.
and not even for a second do i think to.
his voice is quieter when he speaks again, still rough and deep though.
"tell me if i'm reading this wrong."
and oh my god. i think my brain stops functioning for a second.
because the thing is, jay isn't cocky about it - like at all. he isn't smirking or trying to make me feel small or embarrassed.
he sounds careful and thoughtful.
like he actually cares about my answer.
i look up at him, my heart pounding so hard it feels ridiculous.
"you're not," i tell him, my voice quiet.
the second the words leave my mouth, he looks relieved.
his eyes soften in a away that almost makes my stomach hurt.
and for another second neither of us move.
then jay's hand lifts slowly, like he's hesitating midway through it.
giving me another chance to stop him.
when i don't, his fingers brush lightly agains the sleeve of my hoodie before sliding up my arm just enough to rest against my waist.
his touch is carefully and gentle. it affects me more than it would've if he just grabbed be confidently.
i sharply inhale without meaning to.
he notices.
his eyes stay fixed on mine as fully faces me, stepping just a little closer, close enough now that if i leaned forward even slightly-
god.
"you sure?" he asks softly.
the fact that he's asking again nearly kills me.
i nod once.
"mhm," i hum.
his gaze flicks between my eyes and my mouth one last time before he finally closes the distance.
the kiss is much softer than i would've expected.
it began very slow, almost cautious, like he's still trying to figure out if this is actually happening.
but the second i kiss him back properly, i feel the way his hand tightens against my waist.
and then suddenly all the tension that's been building over these past weeks just snaps.
my fingers instinctively grab at the front of his hoodie, pulling him a little closer as i kiss him back.
jay lets out a quiet breath against my lips, a mix of relief and surprise.
everything about this feels overwhelming in the best way possible.
the coldness of the night, his rings brushing against my side, the smell of his cologne and weed - which i've come to understand as his natural scent now - the way he keeps kissing me like he's trying not to rush anything though i can tell he wants to.
when we finally pull apart, it's only barely.
like neither of us actually wants to move far.
my forehead almost bumps his as both of us try to catch our breath a little.
and then he laughs quietly.
like, actually laughs.
i blink up at him. "what?"
he shakes his head, smiling down at me.
"nothing," he says.
i narrow my eyes suspiciously. "jay."
his grin grows a little.
"just think it's funny that we acted normal for this long," he then tells me.
i let out an embarrassed laugh, hiding my face against the front of his hoodie for a second.
"oh my gosh, shut up."
he laughs again, one of his hands sliding up my back.
"three weeks, y/n," he says.
"i know."
"i don't know if it's just me, but i kinda felt something since day one. actually painful."
i pull back just enough to look at him again.
"it's not just you. but maybe if you stopped staring at me every five seconds-"
"me?" he cuts me off, faking offense. "you were worse."
i gasp dramatically.
"that's literally not true!" i defend myself.
jay just gives me a look that's entirely unconvinced.
then his expression softens again as he looks at me. like really looks at me.
and i'm suddenly aware again of how close we still are.
how his hand is still resting against my waist.
how easy this feels now that we've finally crossed that thin line we've been just barely dusting at all these weeks.
his thumb brushes lightly against the fabric of my sweater.
"so," he says quietly.
"so?" i repeat.
a tiny smile pulls at the corner of his mouth.
"and here i was thinking i was just in new york for a feature."
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yourusername No rush out next week 😉 presave with the link in my bio
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fakemink Greatness on it's way ♡ liked by author ⤷ user yo mink u on the track???? 👀 ⤷ user plssss omgeeee
esdeekid 🔥 ♡ liked by author ⤷ yourusername 🧯😂 ⤷ user what's the beef ⤷ user hasn't he been visiting her for like a month now ⤷ user not a month but yeah that's what ppl r saying ⤷ user ya he's on the song i'm already knowing
allymiller my bsfs so talented ⤷ yourusername i love u girl
user blurring out her face like she's not hot af
user i used to pray for these times
user is this from any clips we heard on that livestream???? ⤷ yourusername nah ⤷ user OMG HI U REPLIED ⤷ user new music i love 🤤
user the album rollout is here yall ⤷ user i'm so ready for it
user any feats on the album?????? ♡ liked by author ⤷ user hold on.. she liked this comment.. ⤷ user hb any on this song???? 👀👀 ♡ liked by author ⤷ user okayyyy shes hiding something from us she liked this comment too
user collab w smokedope ⤷ user omg imagine
a/n : mwahahahhahhah they are SO cute i can't!!!!!!!!!! but finally ehhehehhe 😈 and im sorry for the very long wait i haven't been feeling this fic but i'll be fine 😜 lmk what u guys think about this part!! feel free to send me comments, questions, suggestions, or anything thru my inbox or to my private messages!! i'm still taking reqs but my current fics are at my to priority atm!! likes/reblogs are greatly appreciated <2 love u guyssss
lmk if you want to be tagged in all esdeekid fics!
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