A question passed on from @scriptautistic
how can i write from the point of view of an allistic person who gets mad and sometimes yells at her autistic brother a lot for having meltdowns without being offensive? i feel like writing about her occasional dislike towards her brother is necessary for the plot, but i also don't want people to take it the wrong way and think that this is how i personally feel about the character. (later in the story she learns to accept him but i don't want people to be offended by the first part) thanks!
I think that this is going to depend on the nature of the meltdowns that the brother has, as well as the allistic sisterâs personality and capability. The age of the two characters will also influence how you might approach writing these characters and their relationship.
In any sibling relationship there is going to be friction and disagreement, even outright hostility can occur if the siblings have a personality clash or if they donât have enough space to get away from one another or pursue their individuality.Â
Young people, even allisitic and neurotypical ones, are still learning how to interact with others, and how to deal with their emotions and reactions, a young allistic person may not yet be equipped to deal with a siblingâs âmeltdownâ behaviour, and it could cause her anxiety, distress, fear, or anger, or any number of other reactions.
Children can be easily overwhelmed and overstimulated, teenagers can have short tempers and be prone to emotional outbursts, adults who would usually be reasonable or level headed can be pushed to behaving rashly or snapping at others by stress or fear or exhaustion. Consider the age of your characters, and consider their shared history, as well as their personality and individual emotional triggers.
If the meltdowns involve the brother yelling, lashing out, or behaving in a way that the sister is frightened by, she would obviously be reacting to that sense of threat, even if her brother would not hurt her, or doesnât mean to scare her, she would still have the reaction to the meltdown. Even when the characters are older, the sister may still have the lingering anxiety/ fear reaction to the memory or thought of her brotherâs meltdowns, and it would take a lot of time and work to overcome that.
If the meltdowns are more of a âshutdownâ kind of thing, say the brother simply becomes withdrawn and doesnât respond, or isnât able to say what is wrong or why heâs doing what heâs doing, then the sister may become frustrated at an interruption that she doesnât understand. To the sister, it might seem that the brother is being âdifficultâ on purpose, or is interrupting things just to spite her, and it may take a while for her to understand why her brother does what he does, to understand what triggers him, and learn not to take his meltdowns personally.
Youâve said that the sister gets mad and yells at him for having meltdowns, so think about the behaviour that prompts the sister to act in this way:Â
In what way are the brotherâs meltdowns affecting her when they occur?Â
Why is she not able to remove herself from what must be a stressful situation for her to react in such a way?Â
What, if any, coping methods was she taught as a child to deal with her emotional reactions?
What were their parentsâ method of dealing with/ coping with the brotherâs meltdowns? Was it helpful or not?Â
Itâs important to think about character motivations: the sister most likely doesnât want to hurt her brother, but there is some reason that she is put in the situation of dealing with an emotional problem that sheâs not equipped to handle.Â
So does she get mad and yell because she is out of her depth and doesnât know how else to react?Â
Or is she emulating their parentâs reaction to her brotherâs meltdowns?Â
Or is she resentful that her brother âgets toâ have a meltdown while she feels expected to behave âproperlyâ?Â
Their upbringing, and the attitude that the sister has been taught to have toward her brotherâs meltdowns will inform her behaviour and reactions
As well, think about what the sisterâs general feelings are toward her brother. You wrote that she has an âoccasional dislikeâ for him, but that seems a little vague to me. Does she love her brother but feel hurt or angry when he has a meltdown? Does she merely âtolerateâ her brother and resent the meltdowns?
Some level of friction between siblings is normal, a personal anecdote:Â
When we were kids, my brother loved popping balloons. He would pop as many as he could as quickly as he could. I hated that. I hated the noise, and I hated that all the nice balloons would be destroyed.Â
At birthday parties this could lead to us fighting, as he would start popping balloons and I would try to stop him. The noise hurt my ears and it startled me, and as a child I perceived my brotherâs balloon popping as malicious.
My motherâs solution was simple. She sat us down when one of these disagreements occurred, and told my brother he could pop as many balloons as he liked, but only outside the house. Then I could stay inside the house with the quiet and the intact balloons, and we would both be happy.
Now, I love my brother, and if a similar situation arose today I would have the capacity to discuss it and work out a solution, but as a child I went right from fear (at being startled by the noise) to anger (perceiving my brother as taking delight in upsetting me). At that time, the immediate, visceral response I had was to physically try to make my brother stop (I believe I probably pushed, yelled, and hit at him).Â
In turn, my brother couldnât understand what I could possibly be upset about (he loved the noise of the balloons popping, and seeing them burst), and he thought that I was angry at him for having fun.
We were and are both allistic and neurotypical, but as children we didnât have the capacity to deal with a basic mismatch in our personal likes and dislikes, and I imagine that this gap in understanding and ability to deal with this situation would only be amplified in situations where there is a greater gap between the siblingsâ cognitive states.
The sister in your story may realise that getting mad and yelling isnât helpful or kind to her brother, she may feel bad after she does it, but until she is able to understand and deal with her own emotional reactions to her brotherâs meltdowns, and develop a more helpful and healthy way of reacting, then she may continue to do so. I think that if you include some of this struggle in your story, it would be entirely understandable to the reader.
Consider what the brotherâs meltdowns involve, and how that would affect the sister
Think about the sisterâs capacity or incapacity for dealing with the meltdowns
Think about what coping mechanisms the sister could learn to help her deal with the brotherâs meltdowns in a less aggressive way
Think about the development of their relationship, and how they might grow to better understand one another
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