[12:50 pm] Nov. 5th ‘2017 - Behind
I feel like I’m always lagging behind. Not just with family, friends, peers.. But with myself. I’ve set up these goals that seem just so minor, just so reachable, yet I can’t even touch those said goals. I’m always falling behind. One day its procrastination, the other day it’s my studying speed, the next its my family coming in and distracting me, and then it’s just me. Me being not being able to absorb anymore. Me not being able to work at a suitable pace. Me. Behind. As always.
I was in a beginner’s class for another language a while back, and I was so motivated. So excited. I was a the top of my class for at least the first two months. Then I started getting behind. The rest of the class flew through the materials while I was still lingering. Life got rough but my motivation still stayed there and I fought my way through the class.. Then one week it happened. I had practiced and studied and practiced and studied all week for the next class. “You should really review the materials on your own throughout the week so that we can move on to the next lessons.” The teacher said to me as I struggled with my pronunciation, trembling because I knew that everyone else had already gotten this down. I shattered. Shut down. All motivation lost. It’s not what the teacher had said. It was the fact that I had worked so hard all those days. Hour after hour. Working. Studying. And I was still behind. I was always behind. After that, days leading up to class were filled with anxiety and tears. Lots and lots of tears. I couldn’t help it. I tried my best, and in the end I wasn’t enough.
Shortly after that I stopped trying. I stopped going to the classes, and then I officially quit. I gave some story, that was partially the truth. Whatever needed to be done to get out of those classes. Those reminders of how behind I always am and always will be.
Today was a reminder of the fact that I’m always behind. I’ve been working so hard and the progress is still little to none.
“Are you sure you’ll be able to do that?”
“Doesn’t look like you’ve done anything.”
All things I heard today. Out of context, it sounds harsh. In context, it doesn’t sound much better, but it’s true. Yes I’m still on that. No, I’m not sure I’ll be able to do that. And I know that it doesn’t look like I’ve done anything. I know. I know I know I know.
But in the end, I won’t be good enough. I’ll never be good enough.
But that’s okay. Because I’m still trying. And that’s what matters.. Right?
