#self analyses

[radarcake]

 I am very self conscious about my lack of self awareness.

[radarcake]

I have a deep and abiding need to be liked. My informed insecurities tell me the less I am known the better chance I shall be liked. This is why I feel compelled to avoid social settings, personal interaction, and self expression.

[radarcake]

I likely enough should no longer make posts to this blog as it seems I have accidentally garnered reciprocal followers through the seemingly unwise "following" of blogs consisting of material relating to my recurring passing interests. I have little enough to say of interest to anyone other then myself, so if we are not personally acquainted, it is likely that you will find no particular enjoyment nor glean any modicum of benefit from following whence I lead, indeed, the presence of an audience is somewhat of a paralytic to my ability to compose cogent and coherent thought, not that my composition is of any staggering degree of quality even under the best of circumstances, a condition which I have so far avoided discovering. Suffice to say, it is quite difficult enough to tailor one's observances and commentary to the tastes and moods of known individuals, but when confronted with unknown quantities of and qualities in such it is, as I indicated previously, paralytic. While I of course know of the implausibility of pleasing everyone, there is a certain security to be felt in some semblance of expectation of likely reception. Being that I am slightly eccentric and also habitually recusant, in mind if not wholly in deed, I may at times have some difficulty in determining what is likely to be generally acceptable anyway, though as I am prone to much equivocation when I am not outright noncommittal, it is likely enough that we shall at least agree on some point at some point. But enough of this tangential digression. I suppose if my nonconfrontational desire to avoid exposure to unknown scrutiny should get the better of me it would behoove me to no longer "like" nor "follow" anything, nor even post, if I should truly dread the embarrassing gaze of unknown judges. Though it is unlikely that I shall actually allow this to forestall my posting of inanity and gibberish, as I hold this blog in usufruct more to the purpose of the observance of others then in any real intention towards communication, though usage as the latter shouldn't particularly hinder the former. Once I have actually gotten through this post, gotten it out of my system, I expect I'll return to my regularly scheduled programming. This has been a public service announcement of behalf of the management of this five foot square and the Desk of Lemon Curry?

[radarcake]

I am a fairly territorial animal, I can feel when I am out of my territory, and I can feel when I am in someone else's territory. This has been one of my major deterrents in attempting to find employment in that it involves a rather extreme encroachment upon the territory of someone else just to ask for a job. Interestingly enough though, I have noticed in airports that I am one of the most relaxed people I see, perhaps partially because I flew so often in my childhood, but I think it may additionally be because it is so much of a no-mans-land. I may not be in my territory, but neither is anybody else, it is an intermediary place on the road to some destination, no one particularly wants to be there, including the staff. The staff of course do have some territory that can be recognized as theirs, but it is  behind the counters and in the back rooms. The great open concourses are wild, frenzied places of human milieu, and even the roaming security guards, arbiters of the authority to be present, must feel out of place in the ever rolling tide of humanity.

 As for my point, where I could possibly have been going with this, like so many threads of thought before, it has been lost down the interminable tangential maze of my mind's corridors through which thoughts are always rushing toward some far away destination I'm never to know... So I suppose that must have been my point.

My mind is like an airport... No, that can't be right.