It's actually very painful to realize how hooked I am on TVXQ right now. Every rumor, story, video, text, image or song springs something incredibly alarming and exciting in me. I am trying to lower the daily dose but I find it absolutely impossible especially when it comes to Yunjae related stuff. I know this is not healthy but, to tell the truth, I am just waiting (and praying) for it to go away, just like my previous craze with 2PM or Big Bang calmed down. However, since this is my second time spazzing about TVXQ (the first being three years ago), I'm afraid it will last longer thus prolonging my pain. It's so fucking sad how I am for living "through" these people I don't even know. When I manage to zoom out and take a real look at the state of things I just feel like crying. Crying or laughing. It's a limbo between the two actually. I feel ridiculous and broken at the same time and not one of the two emotions seems to go away. How predictable.
Perhaps it's because of the never-ending controversy surrounding the group, perhaps it's because of something entirely different... I don't know. Every day new accounts and news pop up. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they are bad, yet, no matter what they say I always always have this nameless need to go watch old videos on youtube. It's like their essence and importance will escape right through my fingers if I don't. The fan wars don't help me either. Taking sides is too painful for me regardless of who is right and who is wrong. I love both JYJ and the present TVXQ too much to pick one and I hate it when the only thing I have left to give them is pity. All the hatred that goes around sucks whatever love I have for them and it is hard to cope with such reality. I wish I had a healthier fandom, but unfortunately none other can compare. Maybe if I hadn't let things get to this point I would be happier, but the human mind and heart are very susceptible and I am beyond cure now. Only time may ease the pain of being a fan, and let me say this, waiting has been excruciating; waiting for the five of them, waiting for the end of the lawsuit, waiting for the end of the fan wars and waiting for the obsessive mindset to disappear.
I am miserable for not being able to believe without proof. I don't know if the five of them are still friends, I don't know if what they say in front of cameras is honest and true, I don't know if they are being pressured, I don't even know if yunjae is real or not when I think about it seriously. I try to be strong and happy for them but it gets too hard at times (like today). Then I stumble upon one or two rough opinions online and I feel like shit because I have no resolve whatsoever. I just wait for something to happen and this destroys me completely. There are people fighting and dying for their rights and freedom in Libya and so many other countries and here I am crumbling down at the mere idea my adored idols are enemies. I can't bear my own weakness really. From now on I'll strive to be someone with more integrity and emotional strength. I need to. I need to cling to something more real in my life other than this. I need to escape this unreal pain that has no purpose.
I seriously need to get a fucking life. I can't even pity myself. I am just plain angry.
I also need to stop reading fanfics. I am disturbed enough as it is.
