(1/1) Hello! INTJ here, thank you for the help you provide on your website. While reading through your asks, I came across the notion that validating self-expression is a key factor of establishing good relationships. I think I have a vague idea as to what you may mean, since I have trouble revealing myself while socialising; usually I go for not at all because it is difficult to constantly gauge exactly how much I should be displaying and what reactions it will be met with.
[con't: I find it difficult also to think that someone would be interested in the private and more trivial aspects of my life (though I don’t mind listening to that of others), which is another reason why this does not come naturally to me. As a result, most of my relationships other than that with 3-4 people (vulnerability issues also?) remain superficial and uninteresting. If I am thinking on roughly the same line as you in regards to self-expression, could you offer advice?]
1) It's hard to get close with someone when you don't know much about each other. That's why sharing is important. Self-disclosure should happen gradually. Going at a gradual pace grants you more time and opportunity to gauge their response and give the appropriate response.
2) Why the double standard of being willing to listen but then believing they aren't willing to listen? Viewing your own personal affairs as "trivial" and then assuming others think the same is a form of projection - it's in your head.
In reality, others may or may not be interested in hearing about you. The fact is you don't know at the start, so don't make assumptions right off the bat. Making assumptions (attempting to "mindread") is very harmful to relationships because it is a direct cause of misunderstandings. It's best to observe the facts and/or ask questions to acquire the facts before formulating beliefs about the way someone thinks/feels.
3) The fact of the matter is that you can't be close friends with everyone because you may not be very compatible. There's a reason you can easily develop good rapport with some people but not others. If you want to be more efficient in making close friends, it's best to have a clearer idea of the kinds of people you are more compatible with and start there. What exact qualities make for good compatibility with you (and how do you identify them in people)?
In order to befriend people you're less compatible with, you need more advanced social skills, in the sense that you have to be mature enough to navigate more and more extreme individual differences. In the bigger picture, it is beneficial to personal growth to make friends with a wider variety of people. It allows you to broaden your horizons and understand the world better. It also grants you more opportunity to discover new aspects of yourself to express, as different types of people coax out different things from you.
History It is necessary to improve self-awareness and personal development among individuals when they are in a group. The ‘Johari’ window model is a convenient method used to achieve this task of understanding and enhancing communication between the members in a group. American psychologists Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham developed this model in 1955. The […]
(Referenced in chapter 37 of The Gift of Therapy by Irvin D. Yalom, M.D.)
As a black woman, in America, during a global pandemic and Civil Rights Movement, I have a lot of feelings. Even unpacking whether I’m black, or brown, or bi-racial takes more energy than I seem to have these days. Justifying where I belong has been a lifelong struggle. But in America, if you know the history, you know that whenever it matters, one drop of black blood means you are black. And my life experiences have reaffirmed that. While I have been told that I do not look “that black,” I have also been called colored and a nigger to my face.
I’ve written many blog posts about my garden and my art. Somehow sharing my anxiety or stress during these uncertain times seems so much harder. I can second guess myself into submission so easily. And I’m starting to see that this coping mechanism is unhealthy and is deeply rooted in my identity as a black woman.
I have become so accustomed to overthinking things that it has become a reflex. For a long time I felt like this was just me being thoughtful or at worst overly cautious. During all this time at home for reflection, I’ve started to see that this is a harmful self-protective habit. That my drive for perfection is born out of fear that I am not good enough. Living in a society where black and brown women are among the least valued, I have a constant nagging worry that what I have to share does not have value. That I am not worthy.
In my career, it is the managers and supervisors of color who have worked to teach me that I do have value and power. I will never forget my Director when I was a Child Advocate sliding me a note during a meeting at the mayor’s office which simply said “you have a voice.” He gave me a small turtle figurine from his office when he retired, and it has lived on every desk I’ve had since. It came with a note that said “sometimes you have to stick your neck out.” He always pushed me to be brave and to stand up for my clients with unwavering strength. To trust my gut and live in the decisions I make.
I have been praised by coworkers at many jobs for being bold in meetings and saying what others are afraid to. Yet often, I feel I’m screaming into the wind. I worry after each meeting that I’ve said too much or pushed too hard. I balance the fear of being labeled the angry black woman with the fear that stifling my voice will cause me permanent damage. I know there is a lot of internal work to be done to forgive myself for all the times I held in things that I should have said and to let go of all the times I have not trusted myself or used my voice to its full potential.
My husband often points out when I over explain things or tell him the same thing in multiple ways, even when he got it the first time and is agreeing with me. He believes my fear of not being heard has led me to continue trying to win people over, even when we are on the same side. I feel myself doing this all the time, but my anxiety pushes me to keep confirming that we do agree. To seek validation that I am not getting in other places. Worry that I have not been understood and will be misrepresented or judged harshly can keep me up all night.
Since the murder of George Floyd our society has changed. Many people are waking up to the injustices people of color have faced for centuries for the first time. Many people are angry, for reasons that are deeply personal. We will all have to find where we fit in the Civil Rights Movement currently underway. I know that I have to use my voice to help the clients I currently have, to protect my family’s safety and to know I have not shrunken from an opportunity to make things better. I’m still not sure exactly what that actually looks like for me.
What I know is that I wear this brown skin every day. A few years ago, my husband and I were pulled over in our apartment complex parking lot and were surrounded by police with rifles drawn. Even once they knew we lived there, they held us, asking questions with guns in our faces until they felt they had humiliated us and asserted their power sufficiently. I thought we might die that night and my heart raced for what felt like an eternity afterwards. A split second could have meant one or both of our lives ended right there, because we tried to go get Taco Bell.
The people I love with my entire being wear their brown skin out into the world every day too. I worry every time my husband drives anywhere that he’ll get pulled over and the officer will find him to be a threat. That my brother will get in an argument with a white woman, and she’ll make sure she wins using this racist system to her advantage. A few weeks ago, two white women tried to run my dad off the road, yelling racial slurs at him. A child called him a nigger and was praised by his mother.
I certainly don't have the answers. But I know that being a black woman right now feels more difficult than it ever has. I know that I’m working hard to be professional and human. That trying to survive a global pandemic and watching racism be celebrated by our President at the same time is beyond exhausting. I know that I am here for you, if I can help you. And that the support of my family and friends has a lot to do with my survival and desire to continue to grow. I know that I don't want my anxiety to win or to feel silenced ever again.
So here I am, standing in a desire to be better, in the midst of an environment where nothing feels stable or safe. And I am hoping we can help each other get through this.
T asked me today if I wanted to hear her story of when she put in a complaint about medical treatment. (It was a very relevant suggestion given what we were talking about.)
I said no. I nearly said yes because my instinct was to be polite and say yes of course I want to hear your story. In the past, I might also have said yes because T talking takes the pressure off me having to talk, and sometimes that need felt important enough to override whether or not I wanted to hear what she said.
Anyway, I thought about saying yes, but then I realised that I didn’t really want to hear her story so I shook my head, no. If she complained to the hospital, that likely involves her being in a position of vulnerability beforehand, and as much as T might want to tell me that story to do a bit of the whole “don’t put me on a pedestal” thing, I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to know about any of that side of her life as a human being. I just want her to be strong and grown up and perfect. I know she’s not, because obviously she’s human, but for me I just want to keep thinking of her that way.
I cannot bear to think of my mum being hurt or upset. As a child it used to feel absolutely unbearable and world-ending when I saw my mum upset, and I still can’t deal with it even now, even with (supposedly) the benefit of an adult viewpoint. Maybe I don’t actually have an adult viewpoint because whenever it happens, I’m just triggered back into those childhood feelings and responses. Anyway, the whole maternal transference to my therapist is strong, we both know that, and so I feel the same way about T as I did (and do) about my mum. I don’t know if it needs to be worked through eventually - but I’m pretty resistant to the idea.
Different families having different structures and traditions is quite self explanatory - except when you're an 8th grader and your textbook requires you to have a conversation about different family configurations, but that's a whole other ball game.
How do you even go about exploring the configuration of your family. I am non-binary, masc androgenous presenting, my spoose is gender fluid and my kids call me dad and her mom, but what is the actual configuration.
Does it even matter?
Surely the names assigned to things matter? But she often behaves more fatherlike (if that's a thing) and me more motherlike, with me being more of the traditional wife, but I believe that all to be bullshit.
So I always come back to the point, is gender rooted in penetration of someone? And what the fuck is that all about?
Anyway, so I don't think it is possible to completely define a family structure or family dynamic because if the relativity of terminology and their dependance on one another.
I wrote a bit a while back about Trust, and the element of just needing to decide. Arbitrary. “Go with your gut.” Silly, really.
So then I met this fella, and found myself loving him. Like, big time loving. And I give of myself easily, but I still reserve the right not to trust. Because I have no control over what my heart does, but I do have some say about who and how I trust.
I decided to trust him, despite this little mess of a foundation we’re trying to build a solid relationship upon. In spite of all the things that could go wrong. Trusting like that, while not difficult, is scary. My ladyloves caution me, because it’s something not uncommon of me. To throw all of myself in and let what happens happen. But I did, I decided to go ahead and trust.
And then this funny thing started to happen, without my asking for it - he started to earn all these little bits of trust I’d placed in him. All the parts that felt like I was maybe leaping without looking, he filled in with predictability and follow-through. It’s a little entrancing to watch it happen, to see him keep his word over and over again. I can rely on this? For realsies? And now it doesn’t feel so scary, trusting him. More predictability, less anxiety. I have this tentative, growing confidence in this love of mine.
I’m big time loving him and it’s big time filling my heart.
