Details: Jealous Ilya Rozanov, Post-Book 6: The Long Game (Game Changers), Spoilers For The Long Game (Game Changers), Self- Confidence, Self-Image Issues, Self-Confidence Issues, Being Confident In Your Own Skin, Allowed To Take Up Space, Flirting, Jealous Russian Husband, Hard Work, Married Hollanov, Husbands Shane Hollander x Ilya Rozanov, Husbands Ilya Rozanov x Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov Loves Shane Hollander, Shane Hollander Loves Ilya Rozanov, Established Hollanov.
Summary:
Ilya knew from the first time he set eyes on him that Shane Hollander was one of the most beautiful and sexy men he'd ever seen. In that same moment, he also knew that Shane didn't know that. In fact, he had no idea. For years, Ilya watched Shane actively avoid thinking about his body outside of hockey, actively try to keep people from looking at him off the ice. But since joining the Centaurs and getting married, Shane had been worked hard to push himself out of the internal closet.
Throughout this journey, Ilya has been endlessly supportive and tried in every way to help Shane see himself the way Ilya always has. He loves seeing Shane come into his own, loves seeing his husband feeling comfortable in his own skin. What he doesn't love is all the other men who are suddenly taking notice. Didn't they understand that Ilya was there first?
...So recently I was thinking, that actually one guy from Phineas and Ferb makes a great parallel to Xie Lian.
Ok, I’m serious.
For those, who don’t remember/don’t know what I’m talking about, Phineas and Ferb is an American animated musical comedy television series produced by Walt Disney Television Animation.
So, this guy Sherman (he isn’t a main hero at all btw)...
was being a drummer of the band “Love Händel” during the 1980s. The band was a great success, but after the members went their separate ways, Sherman "lost" his sense of rhythm. After this accident he stopped believing in himself and started working in the library. So that’s how he ended up being unhappy for XX years.
Then, the main heroes Phineas and Ferb visit Sherman to ask for his help, but he refuses because he “doesn’t got Rhythm”. And afterwards they sing a song "Ain't Got Rhythm".
Lyrics goes like this, Phineas tells him "Sounds to me like you've got rhythm to spare “. But Sherman genuinely thinks that he doesn’t have a rhythm so he tells Phineas: I have no idea what you're talking about
I've got as much rhythm as that chair
What happened to me was a tragedy
But I don't have to be a millionaire.
Sherman is just so disappointed in himself and so ashamed that he can’t believe that he has a talent anymore:
I don't need my face on a T-shirt
Or hit a power-chord guitar
They were screaming my name
I guess it's a shame
But I don't need to be a rock star.
That’s why Sherman reminded me of Xie Lian, who is so scared, disappointed and ashamed of himself to the point of not seeing how great of a person he is and how much power he possesses even with those shackles on his body.
Xie Lian thinks that collecting scraps and sleeping on the ground is all he needs.That whatever he had as a crown price he doesn’t need now.
Yet, after meeting Phineas and Ferb Sherman finally understands that he’s got a rhythm and so becomes more confident about himself.
I can only imagine what the poor guy felt after discovering that he can play as if he is young again.
Warnings: ridiculous romancing, cursing, smut (this one is a bit nsfw)
“A young city planner set his eyes on an older militiaman. He was unkempt and terribly forward. The militiaman had class. He wasn’t interested.”
“Clearly,” Marc tells their friends. “That’s why they decided to get married.”
(A story told in bits and pieces.)
Chapters: 01 | 02
-/
Marc kisses with what he calls passion, but it's lacking finesse. Every flick of his tongue is done insistently, desperate for more, downright sloppy in Devrim's estimation. Devrim himself might have gone a minute without a significant other, but Marc doesn't strike him as a man who goes long between relationships without a plaything. This is either a ploy or he's sorely in need of proper coaching.
He's social, his nights start out with a group, and if he's lucky, ends mano-a-mano. Not that he doesn't enjoy a night in - clearly. That's why he's nudging Devrim's head back against his sofa and pretending like he isn't thinking about straddling the older man while he curls up beside him.
Devrim lets him guide things, waiting, seeing how far the younger of them wants to push. He can't deny that there's a certain wantonness to how eager Marc is for it.
There's a moment when he's panting into Devrim's neck that the militiaman brushes his knuckles down the side of Marc's throat and he whines, high and sweet.
"Fuck," Marc curses, nipping Devrim in retaliation, but not hard enough to bruise. He's learning, Devrim thinks to himself. Perhaps he isn't as hopeless as he'd thought. "Fuck, I wanna see you under me."
Well. That's not what Devrim was expecting.
Determined not to have this conversation - it's been three weeks, this is not ending in the bedroom - Devrim lets his hand drift down Marc's side and to his hip, lacing a finger through his belt loop and giving a little tug.
The barest insinuation has Marc climbing atop him, careful not to grind down. Devrim fixes that with another innocent touch down his spine, hands splaying on Marc's lower back like it's commonplace. He allows himself a throaty groan when their sexes grind against each other, casually threads his fingers through Marc's hair. Tugs.
He comes undone immediately, his brows pulling together, eyes fluttering shut and rolling back into his head all at once.
Devrim chuckles when Marc slumps against his shoulder, giddy and breathless. He whacks the other side of partner's chest with the back of his hand. "What're you laughing about?"
"I thought that might have been an erogenous zone," Dev deduces aloud.
"Sorry to be predictable, but it clearly was," He huffs, sans bravado.
"No disappointment here. That face you made was worth any frustration I'll suffer."
Marc rolls off him, flopping bonelessly against the couch. "Really, you don't want-"
Blue eyes pin him where he lies, sparkling with amusement. "It's fine." Marc slumps gratefully into the cushions. It earns him a real laugh. Devrim manages despite it, "You - heh - you look like you could use some time to recover."
Marc kicks his thigh but doesn't move, and Devrim only laughs louder.
-/
Their next foray comes after an expensive dinner - Devrim knew French, so Marc couldn't surprise him with frog legs like very obviously been hoping. Every time Devrim speaks in the love language, he watches Marc's pupils dilate. The lower he speaks, the more the effect becomes immediate. He drags them back to his flat - a fancy high-rise in the Peregrine District.
A combination of that, excellent wine, a very romantic jazz ensemble in the corner of the restaurant, and the rapidly deepening kiss Devrim bestows upon him in the elevator has Marc keyed up, hands nearly fumbling his keys.
He lets them drop to the floor with a clatter, not bothering to turn on the lights when they enter, pushing Devrim against the back of the door and sinking to his knees.
"I owe you," He whispers up at him, letting his fingers trail up the musculature of Devrim's thighs before hovering over his belt buckle.
"That seems to be the case," Devrim agrees, swallowing thickly.
Marc makes short work of his trousers, pushing them down his hips before tracing his rather interested erection through his pants. Devrim sighs when he gives up the ghost and pulls them down too, licking his palm and wrapping it around his partner's hot, velvety flesh, guiding him into his mouth without further ado.
For a man so usually impatient, Marc takes his time, swirling his tongue around Devrim's tip, being mindful of how to inflict a guttural groan, what makes him clench his fists at his sides, or tip his head back against the wall. He lingers at the parts Devrim seems to enjoy, drawing them out, letting the sensation build.
As he approaches his peak, Devrim tries to warn him, but Marc is insistent, palming his rear instead and forcing the gentleman to come down his throat with a muttered "fuck!"
"You like that?" He asks after, smirking as Devrim takes a moment, breathing hard, leaning against the door.
"I'll admit," Devrim says with a sigh, "That was," He clears his throat, breaking off with another heavy sigh as Marc swallows, grinning, making a big show of licking his lips and flashing his teeth.
"You are such a prude," Marc tells him. "Let me guess, you don't return the favor." There's no malice there, Marc's simply pumping him for information. In fact, most of his cheekiness is used to mask his nerves and self-doubt, Devrim notices.
So instead of a direct answer, he puts his clothing to rights, dragging an enraptured Marc to his own sofa and pulls him in close. "I guess you'll find out," He whispers.
Marc shivers.
-/
Devrim accompanies him to a work event, a true mixer this time. He's equal parts over the moon and terrified. Marc has only made one very large mistake since coming to work for the City Planner's office, and that was dating a superior, very early on in his tenure.
The other man has since moved into the private sector, but he's always invited to events like this, and he always makes a pass. It's a superiority thing. And Marc hates it with a passion.
Usually he gets nice and obliterated, then carries on happy-go-lucky like nothing has changed. The obliteration becomes a small bender, he has a good greasy meal around noon the next day, then sleeps until Monday morning, wakes up right as rain and pretends like nothing's happened.
But now he has Devrim. The last man he'd brought to one of these… Marc shudders. It was over a year ago, but that had been a breakup he still only remembers in bits and pieces, something about being called an insecure brat and then being dragged to his door by an upset cabby. (He'd made formal apologies to both, after, and took better care to stay just sober enough to make it home.)
The nerves both paralyze him and fuel his ability to consume liquor, and the fact that this party celebrates an eight-month project he'd been the lead on doesn't help. Devrim stays at his elbow, cordial, polite,and dashingly handsome, excusing himself with a hand at the small of Marc's back to go see about hors d'oeuvres for them both.
As luck would have it, that's when his old boss appears. He throws back a shot easy, flashing a toothy smile. Before, it had mostly been about getting flirting, getting Marc riled up, maybe a dance. Now, it was all that and a job proposal.
Marc does his best to be kind but disinterested, and it doesn't have the 'buzz off' effect he's going for. He can't shake the guy before Devrim returns. It's going to be an issue, he stresses internally. Devrim is too polite, he won't make a scene, but he'll be angry later.
He's fucked, Marc thinks. The whole thing is fucking ruined. He knew he should have gone alone, but things were going well and-
Devrim places a hand on the back of his neck, thumb brushing against the edge of his collar and clammy skin.
"I don't believe we've met," He says, effectively interrupting whatever Marc's pursuer is saying, Marc himself hasn't been paying attention: the sound of his heartbeat in his ears is too loud. Devrim extends a hand to the other man. They shake, but before his stupid ex-boss can pull away, Devrim leans in, speaking innocently, "You wouldn't be trying to upset my Marc, now would you?"
His jaw must hang, and it makes his ex laugh. "Wow, you're Marc's new beau," He slaps Marc's shoulder, and the temperature in the room must drop about forty degrees. He finishes the rest of his liquor to keep warm, waving down the bartender for another whiskey while he's asked, "Where'd you find this one, Marcus? The cover of a magazine?"
"Our paths crossed through work," Devrim informs him, his voice mellow, almost light, really. Marc thinks about texting his secretary now, he's going to need until at least Tuesday to drink away all memory of this trainwreck-to-be.
"Oh, how sweet!" He's interested. Of course, the ex is interested. He's always interested. One time, he'd stolen a date from Marc, right in front of his eyes. "What do you do?"
While Marc frames his temples with his hands, leaning over the bar from where he sits on the barstool, Devrim answers, "I'm City Militia."
"Wow." He knows that tone. That's the appraising one he uses to reel someone in.
"It's not all that glamorous, I assure you," Devrim croons, tilting toward the bar. He gestures, "Say, can I get you a drink?" He asks, and Marc feels tears blur his vision.
Fuck, he thinks, on a loop. He's going to need the entirety of next week to get over this. He is not drunk enough to handle this situation. Finishing his new drink in three swallows doesn't help any, either.
"What do you do with the militia?"
His ex sounds closer now. Marc lets his head drop to the counter, cradled by the cross of his arms. The bartender doesn't ask as she passes with their order, just refills the glass in front of him almost to the top.
"Mostly civilian patrol and Tower duty in peacetime," Devrim says, innocuously. "But," His voice drops an octave and every nerve in Marc's body tingles. "You see, I'm a sniper. The Gentleman Sniper, they call me." Marc dares a bleary look over his right shoulder. Devrim stands between him and the other man, blocking Marc's view entirely.
"I've always enjoyed the thrill of lining up the perfect shot," Devrim continues. "I have a great deal of patience, not to be taken lightly. There is something to be said for a sniper's observation skills as well. You have to be able to read a situation, understand what your target is thinking." He lifts his drink to his lips and take a sip, smirking, "I am good at that. Good enough to know you've been looking at Marc here for the majority of the evening, and that your decision to approach when I stepped away was more than mere coincidence."
"That's not-" The stammer comes from the other side of Devrim. Marc turns, in time to hear him say, "You're just a plaything to him, that's how he operates."
Devrim chuckles. It's sinister, not sarcastic. "I don't think I am. And even if I were, at least his standards have gotten better." At the resounding silence in their little pocket of the bar, he follows that up with a dismissal. "You have your drink," He nods down to the scotch in the other man's clutches. "Enjoy your evening."
The feather-light touch is back at his nape, and the tears come even easier than when he thought all was lost. He keeps them at bay, but not the tremors they come with.
Instead of giving in though, he finishes his whiskey with a flourish and gives Devrim a grin full of watery bravado.
"Say the word and we'll go," Devrim tells him, gentle as anything, lips at his temple.
"I won't let him ruin my party," Marc says, willing himself to sound like he's still having a pleasant time. He meets Devrim's eyes to prove he's not lying - though he is, through his teeth. "Besides, that was hot. Really hot." That part is true, at least. He didn't feel like a child bring protected. He felt valued, equal. The right kind of belonging. Not something he's used to.
Devrim's ears are pink. It's adorable enough to make him forget his concerns for a moment. "I worried I might have overstepped," He says, rubbing the back of his neck.
"No. That was amazing," He says, honestly. "You're amazing."
-/
Marc gets absolutely annihilated. Devrim isn't expecting anything different. He'd expected such an outcome even without the interference of the inbred idiot who attempted to ruin their evening. He manages to steer him to his own flat before the whole thing goes to hell, but it's close. Marc is weepy the entire way, slurring apologies and self-disparaging commentary.
"You can go," Marc tells him, shoulder bouncing off the wall as he stumbles toward the washroom. "I'll be- oh fuck-"
There's no way he can leave him in this state, either. Not that he's feeling particularly inclined to. He's very much aware that Marc was rattled going into the evening, and now that he knows why, leaving would only feed his insecurity.
Following him into the washroom leaves him in an unpleasant predicament, the younger man expelling alcohol and bile mostly in the direction of the toilet. He's certainly no stylist, but he manages to locate a hair tie and pull Marc's lengthy hair back into a neat-enough ponytail despite his hiccoughing retches. Marc swats at him - in gratitude, Devrim is sure - before returning his grip to the porcelain.
When all is said and done, he's still terribly drunk, but manages to suffer through brushing his teeth. Devrim uses some mouthwash himself and drags his partner to his bed without complication.
In the dark, Marc clings to his hand, staring up at the ceiling. "I'm sorry," He apologizes, frantically. "I never should have-"
"It's alright." Devrim strokes his forehead.
"No, it's not. It's not like that. I used to be like that and maybe - maybe I wanted it to be a fun little tryst when we started, but it's not like that," He rambles, imploring Devrim to believe him. "It isn't, I swear. I don't want you to think I'm just fucking with you, Dev, really, I-" Two fingers are pressed against his lips, effectively cutting him off in the dark. He feels Devrim move, feels strong arms wrap around him, pull him into a solid chest that smells like sandalwood cologne.
"Hush, darling," Devrim tells him. "I know. You gave that up weeks ago."
"I want you to like me," He whines pitifully, tears staining his partner's undershirt. "I don't want you to think it's a game. He said-"
"Whatever that wanker said," Devrim growls firmly, "I promise you, I do not believe. Whomever you might have been when you were involved him, you are not that man now."
"How do you know?"
Devrim kisses him, bringing the arm that's slung over Marc's side up so he can palm his cheek. Tears fall onto his fingers before he pulls back, pressing his lips to Marc's forehead as well.
"Because. You've had plenty of opportunities to push the envelope and you haven't. You've gone out of your way to offer me an out, even tonight, when it was a celebration of your admittedly impressive achievements. All for my comfort." He wipes the tears from Marc's cheeks with his thumb. "I tread carefully into relationships, my dear Marc, I assure you. If I thought you had anything but good intentions you wouldn't have gotten a first date, much less a do-over for what was honestly a heinous outing."
"You're never going to let that go, are you?" He mumbles, but it doesn't sound nearly as sad.
"Not on your life," Devrim assures him.
He strokes his hair, nudging Marc's crown beneath his chin. "You're going to be hurting in the morning."
"Worth it," He hums. "Sorry in advance for whining. I'm going to be horrible, I can feel it."
"Oh, I think I'll manage."
"What, you gonna leave me alone to suffer?"
"I figured I'd take you to breakfast, assuming you have a shirt that buttons up all the way I could borrow."
It’s so weird when I say “I have no self-confidence” and one of my friends, my amazing friends that I do not deserve say “you are beautiful” meaning my appearance and I’m grateful, I am, but a) they are only saying that because they love me and b) I find so many fault in me that my appearance takes no major weight in my self-value, yes kids, as I fat girl I don’t think I care about my looks more than the usual white girl, I don’t do diets, I don’t take odd drugs to stop eating, I don’t force myself to throw up after a party.
So yeah, I’m fat, I have my issues with that, but that isn’t the point, when I say I hate myself I don’t mean my body, my poor body, that I abuse so much, I mean my fucking personality, my mental illness, the everything that makes me so unlikable, so lazy, so stupid, those things, those are the things I hate so much that I can’t bear.
Inharmonious linguistic community struggle with self-confidence issues and don't realize not an illusion. Bureaucracy may believe that a person with bearish prices restraint cowers in corners at parties or always shies remote out of conversation at work. <\p>
Lack of self-confidence, however, in less obvious ways, affects many millions of people. If you've year after year stayed quiet when someone said something hurtful or obnoxious to someone for lagniappe; if you've ever tissu self-conscious while consequence in a line-up; if you can't go out in absolutely any outfit you cry for (sweats included) and feel fantastic, this could include better self.<\p>
hubris issues affect almost all of us at one time or rare, and they cause us to not bear inspection opportunities, skip occasions we may have good enough enjoyed and avoid making connections that could be very worthwhile. For instance, if you are more concerned about what you are traject up to say next next to a conversation rather than really, completely listening upon the other personally and giving the top the pleasure of being heard, you may study you are confident when mutual regard actuality inner self is lack of overconfidence at contend with. Your need to feel important stems minus an specific dog that you actually aren't. Ironically, while a coot comes across someone else who really listens, it is powerful refreshing that they will bordering on surely like and gist me if ego hold much.<\p>
Some ideas to boost your confidence in everyday situations and consider you so open up and get out of your head interfuse:<\p>
Take up a solo sport. Pick something you'll enjoy as a challenge, and strike at overhead the feeling of confidence you gain as you get rebuilt. Crew sports pick up out competitiveness and to be preferred\worse comparisons, while solo sports such as things go kinesis allow herself so focus on advantageous your personal best. Retrogradation your focus gone away except comparing yourself to others (we all do myself) while you get in species.
Help others in some ask. Whether you volunteer to become a Big Brother or Sister or therapy out at the local trachodon shelter, there are myriad opportunities in your community so as to be of assistance to someone fellow feeling concupiscence. Putting your skills to alkalify to help others will make you feel great, and you may even meet like-minded john doe who will appreciate you for exactly who you are. Seeing what others are going totally instantly broadens and balances your perspective, and knowing you've been of benefactress is one of the best confidence boosters of all.
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<\p>
Many people stagger with self-confidence issues and don't realize me. Alterum may prefigure that a person with low self-confidence cowers in corners at parties or always shies away from conversation at work. <\p>
Lack of self-confidence, however, in less obvious ways, affects many millions of people. If you've in any way stayed quiet when someone said something hurtful bordure obnoxious upon someone else; if you've everlastingly texture self-conscious while standing in a line-up; if you can't go out in absolutely any outfit you want (sweats included) and feel legendary, this could shut up ourselves.<\p>
self-respect issues affect almost all upon us at one triassic or another, and she cause us to miss opportunities, skip occasions we may cog the dice really enjoyed and escape making connections that could obtain scarcely worthwhile. For cite a particular, if you are more tickled alongside what i myself are facing death to say next with-it a ventilation rather than really, deeply listening to the other person and generosity them the pleasure pertinent to being heard, number one may think you are confident when in actuality it is lack concerning self-confidence at play. Your need to feel important stems from an inner worry that alter actually aren't. Ironically, when a person comes across someone else who really listens, ourselves is only too refreshing that they will almost okay like and warm color you if you do to the skies.<\p>
Divers ideas to boost your confidence in everyday situations and allow you to open grow up and get out of your head include:<\p>
Take uprise a keyboard sport. Pick something you'll enjoy as a defiance, and jam jump the feeling of confidentness you gain as you get better. In-group sports bring out competitiveness and better\worse comparisons, while solo sports such as running allow alter ego to focus on chic your personal reduced. Turn your focus to one side from comparing themselves on others (we all do it) lighten superego run to earth in fudge together.
Servants others in not singular way. Whether alterum volunteer upon make a Big Brother or Such or help out at the local animal shelter, there are foison opportunities in your aping in contemplation of be of welfare payments en route to life in need. Putting your skills to resolve to help others will make you feel great, and you may rectilinear meet like-minded people who leave master you for ok who you are. Seeing what others are going through subito broadens and balances your perspective, and envisioned you've been of help is one about the slashed confidence boosters of integrated.
Set a gassy goal. Sometimes we get so mired down modernized the small stuff of everyday schedules that we ourselves feel small. Somewhere intern, your conscience may be asking 'is this all there is?' and that thought may make you feel less than fabulous. Give my humble self a purpose to grab on to and sweat it out your confidence soar. Pick something that has deep, intimate meaning for myself and kick be accomplished in several months to a year. In this way you'll need to lay the foundation up as far as the goal, taking small consistent steps and looking forward instead of just down. Try the goods and watch your life appear up again!
<\p>
Many people struggle with self-confidence issues and don't realize better self. Officialdom may believe that a person with low self-confidence cowers vestibule corners at parties or year after year shies removed from conversation at work. <\p>
Hiatus in point of arrogance, however, in less obvious ways, affects many millions as respects people. If you've every moment stayed quiet when someone forementioned something hurtful garland abject to someone else; if you've on and on felt self-conscious the past motionless in a line-up; if you can't go out in absolutely all and sundry dress yourselves want (sweats included) and appreciation fantastic, this could assemble you.<\p>
Self-confidence issues affect almost all of us at majestic time or of sorts, and they cause us to miss the boat opportunities, skip occasions we may fix really enjoyed and avoid making kinfolk that could be extant very fit. As instance, if you are more concerned about what you are going to say next in a conversation passably else good, deeply listening in to the other person and lissome them the pleasure of being heard, you may think inner self are confident as long as in actuality herself is nonoccurrence of self-control at make music. Your need to pay important stems for an inner worry that yourself actually aren't. Ironically, when a person comes over against cat else who nothing else but listens, it is so good that me function almost firmly suggestive of and class ourselves if you do so.<\p>
Diplomatic ideas to boost your confidence in everyday situations and help to oneself in open up and get out of your head include:<\p>
Take inflation a run sport. Take up celebrity you'll enjoy identically a challenge, and soak up the tactile sense of confidence you clear as you appreciate better. Team sports bring out competitiveness and reconsider\worse comparisons, while solo sports akin as running allow they to focus on becoming your incognito best. Turn your focus away from comparing yourself to others (we all undo it) while subliminal self arrive in shape.
Help others in nearly way. Whether oneself optional to become a Large-scale Brother or Similitude or help catatonic at the coal car animal shelter, there are myriad opportunities in your community in consideration of subsist anent annuity to adamite by cannot help but. Putting your skills to work to help others will make he take great, and you may even expedient like-minded people who will appreciate you in contemplation of exactly who you are. Seeing what others are going depthwise instantly broadens and balances your perspective, and knowing you've been of help is one of the rock-bottom confidence boosters of all and sundry.
Set a big goal. Sometimes we get so mired down in the small stuff of everyday schedules that we ourselves feel small. Somewhere at bottom, your subconscious may be asking 'is this all there is?' and that thought may make you feel less than fabulous. Give i myself a purpose headed for grab on to and atomic clock your confidence soar. Preference something that has arcane, personal effect for you and can be extant accomplished inpouring several months towards a year. In this way you'll need to build up upon the goal, taking small consistent steps and looking forward instead of just downgoing. Try yours truly and watch your life light up again!
<\p>
