I've gone hard into self-destruction mode. Like I kinda want to tear down all the relationships I built up over the last few weeks. Especially the ones that make me feel vulnerable.
But I am managing to acknowledge that urge and communicate it with the people. In the hopes that this will help me regulate. And hopefully counteract or at least do some damage control if I end up hurting someone.
Because right now I want to lash out, cancel every plan we ever made, block them, ruin the relationships beyond repair.
Just so it's actually my own fault it crashed and burned, so that I was the active participant in it. Instead of them finding fault in me as a person, in my personality, in everything I perceive lacking in myself and decide I'm not worth the effort later down the road.
Mental illness is such a fun thing.
