Hi, can something attract you and trigger you at the same time? An (oddly specific) example: I love neon things. I stare at them for hours and they remind me of my childhood. Idk of what exactly but actually it was something bad and I feel bad but also good? Idk, I find myself being attracted by triggering things more lately. Especially things that don't trigger a specific memory but more a vague unwell feeling. "Something was odd back then and it is somehow connected to the neon light". But I can't stop staring at it, once I started.
Idk is that one of those odd things that are "actually super normal for traumatized people"?
Hi anon,
What you described reminds me of self-triggering, and yes this is common for trauma survivors. Self triggering is essentially when a trauma survivor "seeks reminders of their traumatic events" and can feel compulsory or tempting. There are many reasons why someone may experience this, and everyone may have different reasons, or they may have multiple reasons. As someone who experiences this, I wanted to share a bit I wrote about exploring possible reasons why I personally self-trigger:
Part of it was to just try and make sense of it all, analyze it down to the finest detail, try to find a motive in the fabric of his shirt or the greed in his eyes. Trying to find myself. Trying to regress. Trying to give her justice by never forgetting what he did to her. Trying to mourn myself in a perpetual funeral. Trying to just hurt myself. Trying to overcome my triggers by constantly confronting them in hopes that one day I’ll just be numb, as if it’s a victory to be numb. Trying to prove to my inner gaslighter that it really was that bad, only to destroy my mental health in the process. It feels like running back into a burning building trying to find any valuables or anyone that may still be alive, even though there’s nothing.
Experiencing self-triggering can be extremely damaging to your mental health - I have had several mental breakdowns from doing this consistently, as it's mentally and emotionally exhausting to repeatedly expose yourself to things you know are at least somewhat upsetting to you. If you can access or afford it, I strongly recommend working on this with a mental health professional such as a therapist. They can not only help you develop some healthy coping mechanisms that you can use to substitute the urges to engage with your triggers, but they can also help you process your trauma as well.
I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey, and I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.
-Bun
