#shadeteacoffee

[thegoods]

A Piscean midlife crisis...

So I’ve always heard that Pisces tend to “find themselves” later in life. We’re the floating through life, daydreaming, late bloomers of the zodiac. Which should be perfectly fine if we understand that “plan” right? Well it hasn’t registered with me yet because my stress level, my feeling of complete misdirection and purposeless-ness* is at an all time high. The overthinking has become my full time job ... pardon me- unpaid internship. The second guessing and always getting in my own way on one side and the powerful unfuckwitable queen on my other are about to clash like never before. Like watching a car crash in slow motion. At any moment I feel like I’ll crumble into a billion pieces or I could walk into a Starbucks and have an epiphany! It could go either way and that bothers me. I see triple digits ALOT like ALOTTT. Specifically 333-444-555. I did some google searching and I hear you universe :) butttttt help me out just a tad bit more please. I pride myself and wear my piscean fish on my sleeve. I’m always getting caught daydreaming. I fall in love with the person that I’ve created in my head vs the actual person in front of me. I’m an emotional powerhouse 24/7. I KNOW that my creativity is my strength but how do I use it? What are the specifics? Pin point that for me. The unknown is giving me so many doubts but at the same time I know I’m destined to use my creativity and personality within my career. BUT DOING WHAT LIKE.. EXACTLY?? 🤔 I look at my celebrity siblings like Rihanna, Jhene Aiko, Cindy Crawford, Steve Jobs and Erykah Badu and my success nerves begin to tingle. I know that no matter what I do- I will not be a failure and I mean that in the most humble way possible. You’d think I’d just be out here trying to master the world but that “getting in my own way” flaw is a bitch and a half! I’m in my late 20s and I feel like I’ve completely fumbled my 20s. Not in the comparing my peers success at this point to mine type of way but in the I personally want to be somewhere, anywhere better at this point. Im grateful for everything that I have and had. I completed undergrad and it was a great experience for me. I spent the summer at a beach bartending because I took a leap of faith but that was short lived. I landed a job in my field and was miserable for 2.5 years. The money and freedom was great. I was completely independent and I guess financially stable but I was so unhappy. Talk about spiritual suicide, dragging myself out of bed Monday-Friday. I know it was because I was uninterested AND the fact that I was unable to let my creative juices flow. It had gotten to a point where I was so unhappy I felt hopeless and depressed. My friendships and relationships suffered in a major way. I was looking for them to fill that void of happiness that I was missing. How could I put that pressure on them? Not to mention that I didn’t even know what made me happy? So how was that supposed to even pan out? My day to day since then has been a roller coaster. I think that’s why I despise them in real life aside from the feeling of a near death experience and all. I’m running out of patience honestly. We’re on borrowed time on earth ya know. Tomorrow is not promised— nor is this afternoon. I just wanna be great. Not famous. I just wanna be successful. Not rich. I just wanna be genuinely happy. Not this.

[thegoods]

“wait, I don’t even know how to drive a stick”

My first REAL lesbian experience was....wet. But lets back up a second...Now I knew from an early age that I liked girls. Like... I liked them liked them. In Kindergarten I used to hold hands with a girl at nap-time. We had our section in the classroom, placed our blankets right next to each other and held hands underneath them. Genius right?! Up until one day as our teacher was making rounds she stepped on our hands! I can't remember to this day if she had a "talk" with us, paid it no mind or ratted us out to the feds. I also can't for the life of me remember who the girl was. I've been a romantic ever since lol My first kiss was with my 3rd grade best friend. She was perfect in my eyes and those love and basketball kisses we shared sealed the lesbian deal for me. I wonder if she even remembers our few make-out sessions after school or all the illegal cable porn we used to watch on the weekends. When we played house, I was always the dominant one...LMAO! I've been sexually fluid ever since. We didn’t talk about it at all. As we grew older, we made separate friends and grew apart. She's married to a wonderful man now and even though it was decades ago I don't kiss and tell... pisceans die with their "skeletons". Now fast forward to freshman year in high school. LGBT was not as open and accepted back then. There was probably 2-3 openly gay females at my school. I immediately met one of them who-made-me-melt. For fun lets call her "Amy". Amy was funny, charming, attractive and quite the hoe. Her hands were always soft and smelled like baby lotion. I had a boyfriend at the time who later turned into my baby daddy. Yeah, right... check out that blog when you get a minute. Anyway, I didn't care if i had a boyfriend or not. I had to have her. A lot of exchanges of "letters" later and I found out that Amy was dating my boyfriend's relative, who found out about the letters we wrote.  Pretty steamy stuff by the way. The relative was just bothered that I had Amy's undivided attention, she didn't give a damn about my boyfriend but she made it seem that way when she outted me to him. Well thought she did! I will never give anybody that much power over me. (Pro-tip: you can't shame someone who isn't ashamed) She told him and we broke up of course and that same Friday-- I had sex with Amy in the backseat of her car with the clearest conscience ever. Thank you *evil laugh*  She was taking me and my best friend home when I reached over and placed my hand on her thigh. Not even a mile later, we were pulled over at a gas station, switching seats and my best friend yelling "huh, wait I don't even know how to drive a stick!".  Amy and I were in the backseat of her car making out like our lives depended on it. Hands gripping necks, tongues gliding over nipples, fingers entering vaginas..... *brb*.  My best friend and I still laugh about the music being so loud, us hitting the drivers seat one too many times and her learning to drive a stick quick as fuck! I know that I lived maybe 10 minutes from our starting point but that moment seemed to have lasted so much longer. I felt alive and in tune with both our bodies. I knew exactly what to do and I didn't want to stop. Not the sex, or the sex with her but that rush and feeling of pure bliss. A few months passed, she was back on her hoe shit and I was back in a relationship with the same guy but my heart was with her. We barely spoke in public. In private, we talked and texted for hours. We hung out and got to know one another. Memorial Weekend that same year, we had sex again. My mom was out of town and I was home alone. She came over and licked my pussy like she was in love with it. That was my first experience with oral sex and yo! Before I knew it we were, I know now, 69'n tf out each other. I loved it. I needed it. Giving her oral wasn't just for her-- I was dripping myself. Once she graduated and we just went our separate ways. No discussion was had or needed. Amy is a part of who I am today and she deserved an honorable mention in my life’s story. Crazy... My sex life has been a roller coaster ever since. #TheZipper 

[thegoods]

GIRLcode.

Its unspoken but its actually very fucking LOUD. There's some shit that you just don't do. Technicalities will get yo ass beat as if you talked about a Jamaicans' mama. Ladies we know loyalty very well. Hell we've been "wives" to boyfriends far too many times right?. So why when it comes to other women shit starts to get blurry? For the sake of my rant I'm talking close friendships clearly defined by all parties. Meaning, she knows she's your friend and vice versa. The statutes are: you have to have been friends for a least 1 year or more. Now, you can still be offended if a bitch try your after being friends for only 3 months but if we're talking who's getting voted off the island.... its a least a year. There are alot of different circumstances that can accompany your disloyalty but does it justify it sis? The code goes back centuries but I'm going to touch on a few honorable mentions. RULE #1 *smokey's voice* Never ever ever ever-ever ever ever date your friends CURRENT/EX. I shouldn't have to even speak on fucking with your friend's current bae but some of you bitches are weird so... I've heard of slim pickens but bitch, no. I don't even want to date someone that my friend has dated, kissed, had sex with, planned a future together... you get the picture. Talk about a DEAD elephant in the room. It does not matter how long the relationship has been over or how it ended or who ended it. It makes my mind go into overdrive, like were you fantasizing while were were in a relationship? I can't trust you so Its a no for me dawg.  And don't let them have been seriously committed, cohabitating*, ruining their credit together and shit-- oh bitch thats grounds for an ass whooping! I dont even care if you ASK if I mind or not. Matter fact, if you have to run the shit by me then uhhh baby girl wtf? Nana always said "if you gotta ask"... Making the concious decision to cross those lines speaks volumes on the lack of respect you have for your friend. Granted I dont own anybody nor can I control anyone's actions, so carry on if thats what yall choose to do but keep it to yourself way way way over there! Like, forever. RULE #2 If your homegirl ever calls you out of the blue, without prior notice, at any given time in reference to "meeting up" in a few or she needs you to confirm her "whereabouts" last night on speakerphone or you get a random phone call about her work performance.. GO WITH THE FUCKING FLOW. Especially if she says "don't lie".. you know-know its go time! 9 times out of 10 if I'm calling you out of the blue confirming immediate plans you know goodness well we didn't make, I'm creating my escape route. Whether I'm sick of spooning, on an awkward date, friend cheating or the night cap didn't go as planned..just say "hurry yo ass up, I'm already dressed". Furthermore, if you get hit with the "brooo please tell this n*gga I was with you last night" you know to automatically agree and lay it on Emily B thick! If you're a vet like me and mine... I ain't even gotta lead you into where I "was" cause you already know what's up. Same goes for the potential employer, I was your best employee wasn't I sis? RULE #3 If we came together, we're leaving together. SQUAD! There's nothing wrong with throwing your ass in continuous circles from time to time. Go out, get a few observed-free drinks from the bar, stand on the couch in VIP allllat but yo vicarious ass is leaving with the same group you came with. OKKUURRR. I know how tempting a drunken dick appointment may seem but no ma'am. I want my girls to live their best lives but ya gotta be safe. Hopefully once she sobers up she won't remember the well missed opportunity but if she does.... get real loud and say "bitch I was looking out for you, gang-rape is real" it usually ends in brunch. RULE #4 Be transparent! Your friends are a reflection of you. You are who you hang around to a certain degree. For instance, don't have your friends going out like a fool in any situation (if you can help it). If her lace front isn't melted to the gawds- let her know! If the n*gga she fucking with is a community based n*gga- make sure she up on game. If she's being too complacent and holding herself back from her true potential- push her! If she's really fucking chancing it with her gas needle- collectively talk shit until she stops at the gas station! (I know my car head ass). Just keep it real with each other as much as possible. Reality checks cash when they're from people you love and respect. Lastly, ending on a positive note...RULE #5 is BE PRESENT! There's nothing worse than a completely absent friend. The 'only hits you up when its time to turn up' type. The 'never around when you're going through it' type. I've been that friend but I've vowed to never be that friend again. Now I know that we're all adults with careers, kids, spouses etc. I'm not saying put your friendships first but shit at least put them on the list. Check on your strong friends, double check on your weak friends. Make time for one one another. Quality over quantity ladies. Plan an annual girls trip and DONT FLAKE. Have brunch every now and then. Hell at least group facetime! Because if sis has an android...are yall really friends? The tea doesn't taste the same if you can't see all the effects in group chat. Long story short... friends can be forever if you live by the code--- once lines are crossed of course friendships get ruined. If its easier dont think of them as rules you gotta remember verbatim because my opinionated facts could be sorta different in your hood. Just be a decent human being girl. That's the real code.

[thegoods]

THE FRENCH QUARTER

I can literally drink anywhere except for church. *In my finest nawlins accent* “I’m home bebb-beh” Lol The trip I took to New Orleans, Louisiana was everything I knew I needed. From my first plane ride, the bomb ass Airbnb, the company, the street art, the hospitality and Jesus the food-- I felt so alive! Yes I lost my airplane virginity to New Orleans and I’ll keep going back for more! I loved every bit of the flight experience. The take off startled me but I fell in love with the clouds. Flying makes me feel so appreciative and blessed. Oh and those biscoff cookies were bomb! A few hours and a layover later Me & 2 good friends were ready for all that NOLA had to offer us.  All thanks to our “planner committee” we hit up all the local spots to make sure we got the full taste of the Bayou. My favorite, my diet breaker... MORROWS! Y’all a huge shout out to Larry Morrow. He knew what the fuck was up with this one! The attention to detail, the menu, the customer service, the location, and when I tell you EVERY staff member was attractive! (blew my mind) Our modern, minimalistic loft was right above his restaurant and every morning we were awaken by his staff prepping for the day while simultaneously blasting Anita Baker (which was no bother to us) it was our Vacation alarm clock. #morrowofthestory is... WHEN you visit NOLA Morrows is a MUST STOP. Ask any celebrity! Oh and order the strawberry mimosa(S) and the chicken Alfredo good lord! Next stop... Cafe Du Monde for BENGINETS. There’s literally like 4 things on the Menu: Water, Tea, Chalk coffee (best coffee I’ve ever had) and Benginets. Relatively cheap for Nola but it’s always packed night or day! For good reason, yet another well worth it diet breaker. Another honorable mention is Willie Mae's Scotch House-- make sure you get the mac and cheese and yams. Depending on when you go, there can be a line outside of the small restaurant and the wait can be up to 2 hours! The 3 of us opted to take an uber everywhere and split the costs however. Of course depending on where you decide to store your luggage that may or may not be necessary but ubers were relative cheap as well even late night trips to bourbon street. THAT LITERALLY NEVER SLEEPS. Heads up! — LADIES DO NOT WEAR HEELS, Hell some sandals should be off limits too. Bourbon street is NOT the place for heels or uncomfortable shoes. Between the police horse shit, the for sure vomit, potential piss and spilled.. I mean wasted alcohol lol your shoes just won’t make it and neither will you. However if you wanna be a baby giraffe who am I to stop ya? I literally wore Vans the entire trip and had the time of my life. We spent every night of our 4 day trip on Bourbon street and each night was better that the night before. Thousands of people from all walks of life happily bonding over alcohol just warmed my heart. Did I mention we went during decadence? Which is basically pride for men only. We had no idea it was the same weekend we went but it was so much fun. The drags, the harnesses, the energy, the butt naked confidence again warmed my heart. All the clubs on Bourbon St were diverse and played top 40. Oh and before I forget— when you’ve had too many hurricanes from Fat Tuesday or one too many Grenades (trust me you will) the ultimate 3 am un-fuck yourself pre-hangover cure is Willie’s Chicken-- Also found on Bourbon Street. We didn’t take the trolley like we planned because we were so busy getting day drunk in our Airbnb that we always missed the pickups but we heard good things about it lol. We did make it to the French Market which is full of vendors selling clothes, trinkets, food, ALCOHOL, touristy things, you name it. Make sure you bring cash money though— a lot of the vendors don’t accept debit/credit. Do yourself a favor and get roasted street corn and a pina colada from Organic Banana to wash it down because who drinks water in NOLA!?! Did I mention that there are full blown liquor stores inside of WALMART? Besides shopping you can literally just walk around, mingle with the locals, and sight see for the free. Just about every corner is photo worthy. The Street performers are mad talented so make sure you tip them! I'm sure I’m leaving things out but no matter what I say it won’t do New Orleans any justice. It’s a place you have to visit and experience for yourself. There was not one place I went that I felt uncomfortable or stuck out like a sore thumb. When I tell you Nola’s vibe is so welcoming I mean it. You’re only doing yourself a disservice by not adding it to your vacation bucket list. I bet you can’t go just once.

[thegoods]

mixed signals

I dont look the same. I dont feel the same. Alone time has been a gift and a curse for me lately. My heart hurts but it almost feels free. Im capable. Ive had time to think about myself and my relationship and my happiness and my purpose. As a pisces, Ive always been at odds with myself and my feelings towards just about everything. Those koi swimming in opposite directions are spot the fuck on. I dont know if we got so swept up in the lust that we convinced ourselves that it was meant to be but meant to be cant be this hard? I now fully understand the 50/50 effort that should be applied to relationships. Never give 100% of yourself! Especially if the relationship is 'bad'... How are you supposed to know if its bad in the beginning? You wont but why would you give your whole self to someone you just met anyway? Can you imagine how hard its going to be to walk away when you've given EVERYTHING? You'll feel so fucking vested even if they dont deserve you. Even if you're unhappy, you'll get this guilty feeling almost that wont let you give up. And if you're a fellow pisces, oh we're super fucked-- no foreplay, no lube. My sensitive nature is a blessing and a curse. See Ive been with people that have and havent understood my emotions. Sensitive isn't just a "crybaby" and before I move on... if someone constantly attacks your sensitive nature by calling you a crybaby-- THEY CAN GO. I hate jokes disguised as disrespect. Its borderline emotionally/verbally abusive. I spoke with a friend recently and I came to the realization that to be with me you have to really fucking like me... I mean seriously bro! I'm layered, not complicated, not a handful. I'm very reserved until I can decifer your real intentions. No secret that when shit gets suspect (initially), a pisces will swim tf away. We get close enough to feel the energy and move accordingly. 9 months later and I'm not sure that I know who I'm lying next to or should I say that I actually fucking do. See, people show you time and time and time again who they are. Why is it that we can only see it AFTER shit hits the fan. I dont mean a little fan either, I'm talking a Beyonce fan! We're in so deep now... notice I didn't say 'too" deep. Im caught between looking into your eyes and falling in love all over again to not even reconizing who you are anymore. Could be because I created this person that was perfect in my eyes that never even existed and now that daydream is starting to fade away? I'm becoming unhappy and depressed, going through the motions, walking on egg shells because the smoke is clearing? Im beginning to see things a hell of a lot clearer and I can't handle it. My craving for reassurance and acts of service are rarely fufilled and I resent you for that. No one has ever made me feel so small and disposable but I gave you that power. So can I blame you? The sleeping separately one night to making passionate love the next is ruining me. The unpredictable silent treatments are weighing me down. I can't love someone that is okay with not talking to me for days. Refusing to be affectionate. Unapologetic. The screaming matches never end in makeup sex, I learned that early in the game so I try not to participate.... but it adds fuel to fire anyway. The laughter though, the good days are pure bliss. But I cant enjoy them because Im holding my breath. It wont last, It never does. I dont exactly know when I became so negative about the positive. I wont sit here and say Im unhappy but I cant say Im happy either. The arguments are starting to cut deeper, words and actions that used to feel like pricks have graduated to full blown stabs. But I can't feel them...its weird...Im numb and I know its supposed to hurt. I should feel something. Pillowtalk to another woman and for a second I almost stopped believing myself-- you're right luv. We are one in the same.  This isn't okay. The amount of shit that's been swept under the rug has created such an obstacle that I can no longer walk over it. Out of sight, out of mind is a big ass myth. We were never built to last, who are we kidding? The universe has been trying to pull us apart to show us that. We've been fighting for nothing. (read that again). 

But I Fucking Love You.

[thegoods]

Are you a survivor or a liver?

Every year for the past 3 years I collect magazines so that I can make a vision board at the start of a new year. The past 2 years there’s been the same clipping that I can’t get away from. “Are you having enough fun?” While I contemplate whether to turn the page or cut the damn thing out like I know I am… a million things race through my mind. It hits me every time that I’m just a survivor. Not to diminish any survivors of anything health related … for my sensitivos. But I rarely take risks or live life to the fullest and it burns me up. I know I’m not alone. That feeling of knowing what excites you and what you wanna do in life whether that be chasing a dream, traveling the world, or sleeping with the DJ at the club.. why do we not live a lot???? We have the vision but we also CREATE the excuses which outweigh those ideas. Then we put it off, dream about it, and live vicariously through those seemingly carefree mofos on Snapchat. Then another year passes by and shit life really hits you— kids, a serious job that drug tests you, a stable relationship and whatever you do don’t get a puppy! Your plate is going to be so full of fucking excuses. See what I did there? Just created a whole entire excuse. Do you know how many people have all those things and are still living their best lives? Now granted “best lives” definitely differ person to person. Maybe yours is just that hypothetical shit I just mentioned— and that’s okay. But I highly doubt that’s the case or else you wouldn’t have this feeling in your soul that there’s more to life. I made a pact with myself at the beginning of this year that I would face 3 fears by the end of the year. My plan is to change my mindset of fear itself. Ya know growing up you were taught to stay away from things that you feared but I think that’s total bullshit in a sense. Don’t go picking fights with bears or anything before you hear me out. I’ve seen people do some pretty amazing shit when they’re afraid. Your senses are heightened, adrenaline is pumping and your mind is working 10 times as fast… sounds like the perfect cocktail. So why not plan to step out of your comfort zone and see what a beast you can be? Live a lot!  But back to what I was saying…  I would do 1 thing every couple months— ya know don’t wanna put too much dip on my chip. I like to think of it as getting my feet wet. First, I’m gonna hold a snake. I’m terrified of snakes, like there was a snake on my patio this year and I almost gave his ass my townhouse fully furnished. Once there was a lizard in my kitchen and I called the police— type scared. So I found a reptile expo and I’m gonna purchase tickets, try not to die, and get a photo holding one. Second, roller-coasters! Chicken shit? Why yes I am. I just feel like there’s nothing exciting about feeling like I’m about to die but to each is own. Still— I’m gonna go to an amusement park this summer and ride ONE. Third, I’m going to start a business. That’s the scariest of them all for me— failure… but stay tuned. So yeah, I like to think that becoming a liver (ha) can happen in the smallest of experiences. Mindset is everything!  Whatever yanks you out of your element even in the slightest can put things into perspective. It doesn’t have to be as drastic as skydiving cause hell no— not on purpose I’m not. Just plan to raise the hair on the back of your neck this year.. and live! (… and survive please🤞🏾)