#shaunfury

[shaunfury]

After Dark. Before Light.

It's four in the morning and I feel like writing to you. I don't need an excuse.

So I stumbled upon this audiobook at work tonight. I started off listening to The Unbearable Lightness of Being, which works pretty good as an audiobook. Then I saw this audiobook off to the right that caught my attention. Two actually. One was a Charles Bukowski novel called "Ham on the Rye" gonna have to make my way over to that eventually. But the one that I ended up clicking, I guess because I remember Nick's interest in some Chinese/Jap writers was this book called "After Dark" by Haruki Murakami. I have no idea if this guy is a big deal or not, but I'm three hours in and I'm really started to notice a trend with my interests haha. I'm a huge fan of simple text where the writer makes no attempt to make more beautiful the reality that they are painting for the reader. Make more beautiful through the use of illustrative prose of course. And this is another novel that is extremely heavy in dialogue. Which I've long since known is an obsession of mine. Even when I was reading the Orson Scott Card novels as a kid my favorite moments would be at the beginning of each chapter where read the conversation of two separate sentient species discuss the abstract nature of the human race. This stuff that I am attracted to is always so innocuous however, thoughts that literally have no end, no conclusion. Which makes me wonder why I ever considered trying to assert myself as the final punctuation for what humanity should or was intended to stand for. All of my favorite literature has no such punctuation mark. It's always open-ended. Theories as you so keenly observed in a previous phone conversation.

I like this refining. The next step is figuring out how I'm going to express these interests in an original way through literature and filmmaking. I want to be very dismissive with endings. I know that much...I'm thinking out loud. Don't know why I'm writing to you haha.

Good morning.

[shaunfury]

Driver.

“How would you describe it? That moment when the other shoe dropped. What was that like?”

“It feels like, my life is just a continuous stream of waking up. I’m not sure if that’s difficult to imagine. You know you’re awake. Right now. Yet something happens. Some epiphany. Some realization occurs in your mind that forces you to wake up again. And it keeps happening. Where by the end of it, I don’t know if I’ll feel like the smallest man on the planet or even less.”

“You get smaller with each new epiphany?”

“Smaller, yes. Definitely smaller. Not weaker. Just smaller. More inconsequential. This doesn’t depress me. I was on a great crusade for meaning. I really did find it. I rarely lose sight of it. The difficulty comes from expressing it clearly. Or singularly. Cause, if you’re all over the place, the message doesn’t get through to anyone. You just come off like...you’re living in your own world. That you don’t care about anyone else. That you’re selfish and something of a manipulator. But with a very clear path, something that’s more digestible, then you receive praise. And your company becomes sought after, because you perform a function that is easily identifiable. So people know what to use you for.”

“Do you have any interests outside of yourself?”

“I’ve tried. No one can know how much I’ve tried. It’s just that, I can’t help but believe that to know the self is to know the truth of existence. Not to get deep or philosophical. But, how can I move beyond this? How can I develop an interest in surface level details? Who’s running for President. Money. That commodity. I’m trying. I try to use her for motivation. She’s the only thing that even comes close to working. I’ve already let my friends down. I walk around with that burden everyday. Although they will tell me that I don’t owe them anything. I’ll always know that I failed them.”

“What about the satisfying of your own ego? Why isn’t that enough to motivate you?”

“I often think what I would be doing with myself if I was the only man alive on the planet. What my concerns would be. Would I care about satisfying such an intangible object as my ego then? And how would I satisfy it? They say the best way to know yourself is through human interaction, I don’t know if that’s the truth. When I’m alone I feel that’s when I am closest to the truth. And that truth is that there is nothing going on in my head. No ego. No wants. No desires. Nothing. All that other stuff comes when I concern myself with the expectations of the people around me. I want them to see me a certain way. Accomplished. Not crazy. Justifiably happy. I think that’s what I want most of all. I want everyone to understand why I’m so happy. But they won’t. Not until the external makes sense. Success. Good old-fashioned American success. Then it will work.”

“I think you’re a liar. I think that you’re using your friends as mirrors for your own disappointment. I think that’s why you want them around. I think you can’t accept this. I don’t think you feel fulfilled.”

“The only problem is, all of this was figured out before I even came to be wasn’t it? I am nothing more than a product of being born on Earth during the 21st century. In the age of the internet and social media. There have been hundreds and thousands of thinkers before me. Thought Leaders who cared far more about changing the mind of humans than I ever will. If it’s true, that I am disappointed, I can only be disappointed with myself. Humanity has never let me down. I never had any expectations for it in the first place.”  

[shaunfury]

No Objection.

We do not all see the same thing. Yet somehow we have been able to coexist on this planet for thousands of years, tens of thousands perhaps. Reality is not real. Reality is not real. Reality is determined by the most charismatic. The most confident. The most persuasive. The most dismissive. The most overbearing. Reality is not real. What do the birds see when they fly through the sky? Are they able to enjoy the wind through their feathers? Does this make them happy? Freedom makes one happy. Man or beast. The freedom to be oneself in this construct known as reality. Reality itself can feel like a prison. If you are not smart enough to learn how to escape it. You must always come back to it because that’s where everyone else is. Fellow inmates. And life without friends is a lonely one indeed. Communication is key for us all to succeed.  

                                                                                            - The Enlightened One

[shaunfury]

The Feeling.

Not about what’s in your head. That’s over with. Not about how much money you have in your bank account. How cool your job is. How many friends you have. To focus on creating a feeling. Something akin to a high. But to build permanence around that feeling. To evolve it over time. What to do after achieving freedom. Create meaning. Create feeling. Is it true that one can not feel without first being connected to an object in space? What would one feel in a void having never experienced anything outside of that void? Anything at all? Loneliness? Can one feel loneliness without having anything to compare it to? It seems ingrained in our genetic makeup, we must have people around us to feel whole. A human left alone in solitary confinement will become ill. The better question. What type of human are we trying to tap into? Speculative fiction. We don’t care about the environment unless it relates to the feeling. We don’t care about any exchange of information. We already know everything. Now we want meaning. We want that feeling that will stay with us all the way up until our deaths. That feeling that unlocks the rest of our lives in a nice organized pattern of chaos. What type of human are we trying to tap into? The free spirits. The dreamers. The idealists. The romanticists. The poets and the writers. The artists. The ones who have escaped the structure of society and have discovered life outside of it. The wanderers. The drifters. The aimless. The lost.

Every word. Every sentence. Refined. All tasked with the same singular function. Convey the feeling. What is the feeling? Connectivity. Connectivity until the death of you. That is the story.

                                                                                           - The Enlightened One

[shaunfury]

Without a Frame.

You make a call. “Hey,” take a pause. A brief moment to recollect yourself. “Hey you out there.” You smile. “Hey you with the loving mother who calls you just cause she misses you. Hey you with the lucky lady who only wants weed and sex from you. Hey you with the friends who forgive you for not being a superstar by 25. Hey you...how’s it going?” You take a second to respond back. Most of my thoughts, especially the ones that are actually spoken out loud, or written down, seem rather self-indulgent. Yes, I do understand that it is within the nature of every human being to perceive the world through their own eyes. Their own experiences and knowledge mapping out this dark and mysterious terrain we refer to as reality. Still though, art was the thing I chose to obsess over. Living in the moment and finding ways to express the purity of such a concept. To be alive for an eternal second and see all the beauty, truth and revelation that exists in that short span of time. And then, for the second to end and be replaced by an equally beautiful and truthful and revelatory second, this is the reality that I live in. To discover a way to capture it. Beyond photography. That only goes so far. Literature. Powerful prose. Oh, filmmaking. Storytelling. Am I just spinning in circles or is actual progress being made at all? Does it matter? No, not really. As long as the positive outlook on life does not diminish. Perception is all we have. Says the poor, self-indulging bohemian. So we continue to read. We continue to watch. Waiting for the moment when the lightning strikes outside of my own head and everyone else will be able to see it too. Death to introversion. Life is meant to be shared with the rest of the world. An artist’s job is never complete. Shaun Fury will die nameless.                                                                                            - The Enlightened One

[shaunfury]

Still Delusional.

I was afraid of the cement hardening before I had enough time. I thought I could change my personality. Get myself to care about success. Fame. Notoriety and accolades. The more friends that I am surrounded by. True friends. The less I care. About everything. Say goodbye to reality. I never knew you.

I have been afraid of becoming too peaceful. Too content. Too happy. What does a peaceful person do with his time? Nothing. He is a tree swaying in the breeze. Healthily. What can be done to add to this product of nature? What can be done? It is over. It is truly over. All that is left is to seek out stimulation. Until I am dead.

                                                                                            - The Enlightened One

[shaunfury]

For Tomorrow.

No Secrets. More Integration.

How special are you? That you must keep certain parts of yourself hidden from view. There are enough people in the world. To hide in plain sight. Even when you are so spectacular. Even when your aura glows a thousand meters in all directions. There are enough people in the world for you to live a life of obscurity. While still being honest and genuine and forthcoming. To experience the death of your ego and to continue living on without that unnecessary appendage weighing so heavily on your shoulders. Dragging you down when you could be soaring. We take a breath and we wonder out loud, “what does perfection look like?” We look at our present surroundings and consider what it were like if things were perfect. A laboratory setting. A sterile environment. Humans existing inside of a vacuum.

It would seem that we are seekers. Explorers. Navigators and Innovators. Always looking for new ways to solve the same old problems. How can we attract better company? A better way of life? Where will we look once the dust finally settles and the pedestals finally erode? When we are all standing on the same plane. The Idols stand next to the Homeless. And the Commonfolk are the majority. What power will we have to wield at this point? The truth is always looking for it’s way into the light. Almost as if it were sentient. As if it possessed it’s own will.

Maybe that is the future. Conduits of the truth become the treasure of humanity. That would make writers more cherished. And philosophers. And all of those other old practices that have fallen out of favor to be replaced by more temperamental values. Entertainment. Technology. All professions that indulge in the vanities of the individual.

An honourable aim. To salvage the goodness in human beings. To rescue it from obsoletion. Love. Pure love. Mirrors the sunlight in the sky. The rainbow in the waterfall. The fullest of hearts. To save that which it seems we are on the brink of losing. Warrants everything else worth sacrificing. For Tomorrow.       

                                                                                            - The Enlightened One

[shaunfury]

Tingly.

Wondering what’s at the center. If there is anything. What lies at the center. Where does the energy stem from? They are all feeding off each other. The humans intermingling with the plants and animals that populate the earth. Intermingling with other humans. Energy stems from all of it. The brushing against one another. Leaves you feeling all tingly inside. Then you get to be naked. Anything to get closer to that natural state of being. You can go into a dark cave and meditate for 3 years, 3 months, 3 weeks and 3 days, and come out one with everything. And you have advice to offer. You are a talking tree. The word “yogi” gets tossed around as if that means something. But still, in those quiet moments, in those times of solitude. No voices are heard. Just a very telling feeling. This is all bullshit.

                                                                                          - The Enlightened One