‘ stay because i want you to... because i want you ! ’ — from kaz to inej hehe
How long had she longed to hear those words from Kaz Brekker? Inej stood there, watching the sea beyond them, quiet as she struggled within herself.
Now, of all times. Now, after she had finally found her purpose. In any of the years they had known each other, Inej may have felt giddy to hear them. May have even felt afraid.
Beside her, Kaz awaited a response. Was he trembling? It was hard to tell, but the stress in his voice -- in every syllable -- made her heart break for him. He was trying. He had been trying for a long time now, even when he thought she had never noticed it; but Inej always had one eye on Kaz, whether it be for good reasons or for bad. Mostly bad.
She exhaled slowly, finding the words she wanted to say to him. She knew how she felt. She had an idea of how he felt. But what was good for them, for her, for him? They were on a boat hurtling away from the Ice Court, Nina dosed on Parem, and everyone shaken from all they had witnessed. All they had done. Whether or not the Kruge was worth it all, Inej still wanted to make it worth it.
"I...have wanted to hear you say something like that for awhile, Kaz," she admitted finally. "Recognition. Acknowledgment. Proof that I'm more than your Wraith."
More than an investment, she wanted to say, but didn't feel petty enough to throw that back at him. Not today.
"But I have a purpose now. A desire, all on my own. When you saved me from the Menagerie, I was lost, and you gave me the opportunity to forge my own strength. You gave me the means of becoming more than I could ever be. Someone strong enough to do something with herself. To do more than just survive the Barrel. It would be wrong of me not to grow beyond that. If I have the courage that I lacked before, and the means to pursue those dreams, I'd only hate myself if I didn't take that chance now. And I'd hate you, too."
"But just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I can't come back. It doesn't mean that one day I can't stay." She moved her hand that rested on the railing closer to his, just beside it, but not quite touching. "There's no need to rush it. It wouldn't be good for either of us to do so. We both still have our own demons to conquer."
His aversion to touch, for whatever reason he had. Her repulsion to sex as a result of working in a pleasure house. They almost suited each other perfectly. Neither condition may ever truly go away, but they could ease each other's fears. Heal each other, at least a little bit.
"But I'll expect you to be open with me more someday." Her hand nudged his, but only briefly. "Eventually. And when I leave, you had better not revert or give up on your progress. I'll make sure the others send me reports."
She could see the tiniest curl on the corner of his lips, even as he continued to stare out at sea. Good. Inej had not want him to percieve this as rejection. It was not.
It was just a bid for time. All they ever needed was more time.
