We need a Terry Pratchett style reimagining of The Silmarillion in which Melkor does not start out evil, or is never really evil, but is just a silly goose.
Melkor thought he was doing the gang a solid by trying to find the flame imperishable. He thought that was the point. He didn’t realise it was with Daddy Eru and his peers just left him to it “there he goes again, off wandering in The Void!”
“Do you think you should go after him Manwë? Check he’s okay?”
“Am I my brother’s keeper?”
Melkor not meaning to sing discordantly he just can’t sing for shit. Eru facepalming: he’s made Melkor the mightiest Ainur but forgot to give him a good voice. Eru plays this off as if this was the plan all along.
Melkor eagerly agreeing to go down and order things in Arda and just being a clumsy wazzock.
“Here Aulë let me help - whoops!” As he trips and flattens the mountain range Aulë has just finished raising up and polishing off. “Sorry about that… I’ll fix it!” Proceeds to build a volcano instead.
Ulmo, as the one with the best voice of the group (it’s said the song of creation is similar to the sound of water after all) and who particularly cringed at Melkor’s “singing”, keeps begging best pal Manwë to tell his brother to piss off or do as he’s told. Poor Melkor is just desperately trying to prove himself, his desperation mounting with each failed attempt.
Melkor finds himself constantly at odds with his peers, they’re always annoyed at him, telling him off and putting him down, so in the end he just thinks “fine then, screw them, I’ll do it my own way!”
Enter stage: Mairon! At first he’s trying to help Aulë out by being an ambassador to Melkor who frustrates his works the most, but then sees what a dorky goofball he actually is and immediately falls in love. The dude just needs some structure! Organisation! Mairon can help with that. Especially if it means he can spend more time with Mr. tall, dark, and handsome.
Then it’s just the murder husbands pratting around. Melkor destroys the lamps in his attempt to improve them and then plays it off as if he was always meant to totally ruin them actually and oh no Manwë don’t yell at me byeeeee! Oh Mairon you’re here thank The Void. Aha yes, mission accomplished! That was only a fraction of my power you know - oh no I’m shaking with, er, adrenaline! Yes! Not fear of my brother chasing me, no. Not that at all. Yes I would like to be held, a victory hug of course!
Everything he does never starts out with ill intent it just goes that way. Goes to “borrow” the Silmarils, gets in a row with Finwë and accidentally kills him. Doesn’t even notice for 10 minutes whilst he’s monologuing then is like - shit. Erm, time to run I guess!
Thinks bashing the trees of Valinor is a cute bonding exercise with his new bestie, Ungoliant. Doesn’t really think about them being destroyed, is having too much fun with his gal pal.
Realises he’s an idiot too late when Ungoliant asks for the Silmarils. Tries to hide them, in a truly useless attempt, then realises he’s no match for true feminine power and screams for Mairon, who coincidentally inhibits the only amount of femininity Melkor can hack.
“Look at the state of your hands! Those damned jewels have burned them!”
Pretends Fëanor does not scare the living hell out of him and acts as though he’s letting Gothmog and the gang prove their mettle.
Doesn’t particularly mind the siege as he’s more of a homeboy anyway and lockdown with Mairon is actually very fun in more ways than one…
Has a blast making dragons. Is so heckin proud of himself. Basically does a blog for Mairon of his progress and Mairon has a star chart for him to reward his good work.
Really CBA to fight this annoying little elf but okay guess I gotta save face with the gang and look good for Mairon. Ah hell as if he managed to hurt me! Play it cool, Melkor, Morgoth, whoever you are, play it cool for your hot maia husband. Er, excuse me, Manwë how dare you get involved!! Sending in an eagle is totes cheating!!
Devastated to be thwarted by feminine power once again though grateful this time he didn’t scream like a banshee on speed. Should’ve known better though, complete goose move to underestimate an elf just because she’s very pretty to look at. Misses Mairon all the more after his puppy is murdered.
Thinks he’s being nice letting Hurin have a world class view of proceedings. Sure he’s got the guy captured but he’s got a room with a view. A little gratitude wouldn’t go amiss.
“Dragons will be dragons! Gotta let them do their thing!” Aka taking no responsibility for his offspring’s shenanigans.
“Guys, guys, can’t we talk about this? I’ll be good for real this time! Tulkas get off me- owww!” Proceeds to thrash around like an eel. “Eww, this totally does not work as necklace guys, it’s meant to be a crown! You’ve ruined Mairon’s work!” This last said with tears in his eyes.
Pines for Mairon whilst in The Void but then thinks… ooooh, maybe this time I can find that heckin flame!! Eru likes to tease him like a cat with a laser pen and sends him rushing around after various lights in the darkness. It keeps them both occupied.
I know I’ve missed bits of his tale out, but you get the gist. Melkor has great capacity to be a hilarious character and I for one would love to see more of that. Tolkien already wrote him with a dark sense of humour and inner whimsy and you can’t convince me otherwise.
