Day, oh man who is counting anyway: 365 Days of the Single Mom Chronicles
Twenty-eight,almost twenty-nine, year old single mother stuck in what feels like limbo, notbiblically speaking, but my life has not played out as I had anticipated itto, speaking. I feel absolutely stuck, not knowing what move is the best move to make, in the sense of what is best for my two year old son and me, my little unit of two, my family.
After having to tough out a pregnancy alone, essentially becoming a single mother almost instantly. I gave up my dreams and ambitions to be this successful, financially independent Art History Professor and Museum Specialist in order to have my beautiful son. While I did tough it out and finish my Bachelor Degree, grad school and getting my PhD seems a bit out of grasp. I have no regrets, but a part of me longs to be that person, however my love for my son and his well-being is far more important to me than anyone of my selfish dreams.
Today I watched a profound independent film that was released in 2014, Land Ho! , a touching comedy which was sort of filmed in a documentary style, following these two older brutes on a life changing trip to Iceland; It somewhat forced me to examine my own life. These two men, who were far older than I am, sixty or seventy something, were still trying to figure out life, where they were supposed to be, what they were supposed to do, and at 28 years old it made me feel, in a sense, insecure, but comforted that I am most definitely not alone when it comes to this yearning sensation that I'm feeling. That I have actually always felt, even far before I became a mother. Trying to fit in this world, trying to become something worthy of whom, of what? My son, God, myself, my husband, that I still have not met?
I am ok with being alone, but its hard sometimes, I just wish I had someone who understood me, my emotions, my dreams, my aspirations, the fact that I pride myself on being a mother, and the fact that I still never feel good enough to be that beautiful little boy’s mother.
I have sacrificed so much for my child, and I hope everything that I do is good enough for him, that he will always know how much I love him. I want him to be better than I am, to do what makes him happy. I am so fearful of when he gets to this moment in his life because I do not want him to ever feel the hurt that I have felt in the past, and the pain that I am still suffering from. Maybe he won’t but when and if he ever does I guess all that I can do for him is to be there for him, not pass judgment, and support him along the way, and remind him that there is something greater than us in this world, in this universe, that even though I struggle with this notion every day, to just leave it all in God’s hands. To take it all one step at a time, and that life on Earth is not always promised, it is not eternal, but Gods plan is.
