Because I seem to like to torture myself with the angst that is Remus Lupin and Sirius Black … More of Remus never thinking their relationship is meant to be and letting it ruin them.
Part one of two.
Warning: Mention of Abuse and Violence
Enjoy.
He can feel how tight his knuckles are and how the skin stretches
Strained by the tensing of his muscles and the way his fists curl
He’s trying not to keep his eyes so tight
Reminding himself over and over and over again that this is what he wanted
This is what he asked for
And although he hadn’t pictured it
Hadn’t let his mind wander that far
He couldn’t get it out of his head anymore
And he was trying so hard not to break glass
Not to rip pages from books and tear apart the room and ram his fist off the stone wall until his knuckles bled
Until he hurt outside more than he hurt inside
But then the dorm room door slams open and he doesn’t want to punch walls
Doesn’t want to blindly ram his fists off things until his arms are heavy and his heart is weak and his head is weary
He just wants to scream
‘You asked for this you know’
And his voice is thick with frustration
Because it has been nothing but tension for the past month
And it’s only getting thicker
And they all can feel it but they’re trying not to ruin everything at the same time that they’re trying to save it
‘I realize that James’
Remus’ voice is soft and quiet
And he knows it’s because he’s kept his voice tightly locked away for so long
Trying not to say the words that are bouncing of the walls of his mind
‘You think this is what he wants Remus? You think he could ever fucking want this?’
He can hear James’ throat tighten and his voice go hoarse
He’s trying not to scream too
But Remus knows its coming
‘You’re blind James’
‘Oh shove off Remus you see exactly what I see.’
‘Yeah the hickeys are a sure sign he wants me Prongs.’
He can’t control the sarcasm
Or the pang in his chest at the images that come with the words
And that’s what sets James off
‘You told him off! All you do is argue with him! You basically threw him into that prat’s arms’
‘Yes I did. And I should have known this was coming, we all know he can be a real shit.’
‘He was trying so hard Moony. So hard for you.’
‘Don’t you fucking dare pull that for me bullshit. He gave up easily enough.’
James slams his book bag onto the ground
He storms towards Remus who’s still sitting on his bed
The floor much more appealing to his eyes than the sight of James’ red face and furrowed brow
‘Can’t you see he doesn’t want that!’
‘Well he doesn’t have a bloody choice does he!’
‘Not if you won’t even give him one!’
‘I can’t fucking give him one.’
‘Why? What possible reason is there for you to do this? It took you two so long to even talk about that damn pining, so long to finally just admit you were so head over heels for each other and you’re throwing it out the window!’
James is shouting so loudly now
His face so red, his eyes so blood-shot
Remus knows its been frustrating for him to see Sirius the way he’s been
The dark eyes and the gritted jaw
The rebellious attitude that had been so charming
That had been leather jackets and sipping firewhiskey and midnight laughter
It had suddenly become so aggravating
Because now it was clothes that Sirius bought rather than washed
It was alcohol to sleep instead of alcohol to give him the courage to lean forward and kiss Remus
It was irksome silence replacing their laughter
And Remus was sorry
Merlin he was so sorry but he couldn’t do it
Couldn’t get the anxiety in his mind to slow down
Couldn’t get himself to stop what it made him do
‘He’s a Black, James.”
And suddenly James’ eyes are going wide
‘What?’
‘He’s … He’s a Black.’
Remus sighs as he interlocks his hands
The floor still where his eyes are glued
‘What does that have to do with anything? That has never been a problem for you all that pureblood bull-’
‘It’s everything James! You have to understand that!’
Remus looks up now
His golden eyes meeting James’ dark brown ones
He can feel the tears
Because he has only said this aloud one other time and it broke him inside
Broke him just a little less than when he ended things with Sirius
‘And why do I have to understand that?’
‘Lily.’
The name is soft on his lips
Like he’s been afraid to say it, afraid to play this card and make his best mate understand
But he can hear James swallow thickly
Obviously taken off his guard as his shoulders slack
‘Whats Lily got to do with this? Why are you changing the damn topic!’
‘I’m not doing it on purpose it just seems to be the only way to get it through your thick skull!’
Their eyes are glued together
And Remus needs to get this out
Because he needs one of them to understand why he’s not being illogical
Why he knows this is for the best
Why Sirius and him are just not meant to be
‘My skull is not-‘
‘Shut up for a minute and think would you James. You’re one of those special 28 pureblood families are you not?’
‘Well yeah-‘
‘And Lily, she’s a muggle-born right. No pureblood ties at all.’
‘Sure but-‘
‘Well imagine your parents. They’re these wonderful people who don’t buy into that pureblood bullshit. Who don’t care that Lily doesn’t come from an entire line of purity and incest and tradition.’
And James is nodding now
Watching Remus intently as he rambles on
‘But imagine they aren’t so ruddy wonderful Jamie. Can you imagine for a second that you’re in Sirius’ house sitting around that giant black mahogany table not speaking unless you’re spoken too. And you know how skilled your mother is as a legilimens. And you know you’re in love with a person that your parents think as less, someone they would hate. Imagine you don't even bring her to meet your psychotic mother, imagine you just thought about it. Even for a half a second. And now she knows because she’s seen it in your mind and all she’s ever done is beat, literally beat, into you how important it is to keep the bloodline pure.’
James’ face is tight and his lips are pursued and his shoulders are stark
But his eyes are still on Remus as the tears roll down his cheeks
As the words fall off his tongue like they have wanted too for weeks
‘Imagine Lily knows that Jamie, imagine that all she can think about is how much pain you are going to be in, how much your mother will do to you, how much your mother will curse you if she ever finds out you dared like a mud-blood or a half-breed … let alone loved one.’
James is standing so stoic and still
And Remus feels like his chest is collapsing
But he can’t stop himself
‘Think about how Lily would feel James. Knowing that when you go home you might not make it out. That every time she hugs you in the compartment rather than on the platform she’s thinking somewhere in the back of her mind that you aren’t going to come back to her … Or put yourself in her shoes even Jamie. Think about how you would feel if Lily’s parents hated you, hated your kind, so much that they would beat her because of it. Imagine that you’re lying next to them in bed and running your fingers over the smoothness of their skin and thinking about how beautiful they are just for them to wince at your touch because there’s this dark purple mark that he wears like a bloody badge of honour. And you think oh god how did you get that? And he says, as though it were a joke, that he left his shoes in the hallway.’
Remus can feel himself shaking now
The utter rage and ferocity that runs under his skin all but coming to the surface
’And imagine what they would do to him if they knew about me Jamie. Knew that he was in love with some half-breed who turns into a literal fucking monster every night. I can’t even breathe when I think about what would happen. And I know you’re going to say that he’s strong and he knows what he’s doing but I can’t take that chance. Not with him.’
Remus turns his eyes to the floor for a moment as he swallows painfully
And then turns his eyes back to James
’Wouldn’t you do anything, anything in your power to protect Lily? Even if it meant shattering your own heart? Even if it meant breaking hers? Even if it meant every day you had to watch her trying to get back at you for what you did by snogging some perfect pureblood all over the castle? Merlin, wouldn’t it be worth it Jamie? Just to know that in the end at least they’re safe?’
His can feel how his shoulders are shaking now
How the tears wash down his face
How his hands grip each other so tightly he feels he might break
And he doesn’t know when his eyes found the floor again
Or when that warmth engulfed him
But the sound of rhythmic breathing is nice
And the feeling of someone else’s heart beat is calming the raging of his own
‘Remus’
Remus’ eyes turn to see James
He’s leaned back from him now, from the hug that was so warm
And his face his solemn
‘You’re right. And I agree with you because I would give everything I had to keep Lily safe. If anything I did caused her pain … if I had to break my own heart to protect hers …. I would.’
Remus is nodding his head
His heart hurting as James comes to terms with his truth
‘But you’re wrong.’
Remus can’t help but furrow his brow as he watches James’ mouth go from open to shut
As his eyes dart to the doorway
As he hears the hinges on the dorm door creak open
