December 4, 2009
I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 142
If you think I'm creepy, check this box: [ ]. Then pass this note back through your bedroom window. @poeks (Poeks) – 110
When I was your age we had to stand behind a microphone in front of a brick wall to find out that drunks didn't think we were funny. @biorhythmist (matt) – 97
Like many Americans, I had to take a second job to put my mistress through high school. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 91
Drinking tea with a cat on my lap no homo ok a little homo. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 82
It's been five years and you still don't understand why we put a pine tree in the house once a year? Cats are such idiots. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 78
Profoundly funny tweet #6319984548 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 75
I wanna punch my self-control in its stupid smug face. But I won't. And it knows that. AND THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH IT MORE. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 74
Jim was mad about the plastic surgery that made him look like Mr. Potato Head but no one could tell because he didn't put in his angry eyes. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 69
A sincere request: can we quit it with the "Lady Gaga is a man" jokes? Because I've asked all the other trans people, and we don't want her. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 69
Typos are God's way of saynig, "You shoudln't be masturbating adn tweeting at the same time." @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 68
This Holiday Season let's all come together as one and pray for all the disease and famine of the world to strike Farmville. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 67
Lots of Life Coaches on Twitter but not a single Lowlife Coach. I sense a market opportunity. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63
Remember when twitter was less about stars and more about alibis? BTW, you all saw me at Burger King right about now. Not covered in blood. @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 59
GOOD NEWS: Our three year old no longer wets his bed. BAD NEWS: he crawls into ours to do it. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 56
My son wants to join little league this spring. In preparation I already doubled his allowance & will start the steroid injections Monday. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 54
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. The snow in Chicago falls slowly on the hos. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 53
Tiger Woods wants to know what's par for your mom's hole. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51
Truly became a boring, mature adult today when I chose not to fart near my wife because I knew it would derail our conversation about cats. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 50
I saw a car hit this parked car in front of me and drive away, so I put a note on the parked car saying 'God hates you.' @DieLaughing (J. Adam Moore) – 50
