Is it all an act, do you think? (this love that I pretend to have?)
let me wrap my teeth around the world - series masterlist here
pairing: poly marauders x reader (gender neutral, no use of y/n)
length: 2.6k oops lol
genre: fluff, hurt/comfort
warnings: you're not a bad person and you're not tricking the people you love you into doing so, you're allowed to make mistakes and not beg for forgiveness, that's the whole thing folks
a/n: guys I wrote this like last year and forgot abt it lmao anyway I hope it makes you happy xoxo
The second time Remus has to knock on your door, admittedly, he gets a little worried. You pride yourself on polite promptness - sometimes to a fault, in his opinion, so it feels odd to be left outside your door to shift foot to foot and wait.
When the door does finally open, swinging inward with a wrenching sort of motion, he finds that his worry grows.
"I'm so sorry," you say in a rush, and he takes in your dishevelled hair, the shirt you only sleep in, the way your eyes look dazed and bloodshot. "I just need… one minute. I'm sorry. Do you think James and Sirius will have to wait for us?"
"Dove -" Remus starts, but you're already ushering him into your apartment, leaving him to close the door behind himself as you disappear back into your room.
"Love, wait -" he tries again as he follows you, and his eyes catch sight of your unmade bed, the sheets thrown back like you'd stumbled out of it upon hearing his knocks on the door.
He thinks, as you scrub a hand down your face, that you likely did.
"Ok," he says firmly as you start digging through your closet, grabbing you gently by the wrists. "Come here, please."
"I really don't want to be late," you insist, your hands firmly bunched on the clothes that you're holding. "Please, I just need ten minutes - I'm sorry."
"I don't think you need to apologize," he says gently, and when that does nothing, he shakes your wrists a bit in his hands. "Just come here for a minute."
You let his actions loosen your grip on the clothes, dropping them in a heap on the floor and stepping over them as he tugs you gently towards the bed.
"Remus -" you start as he sits down, tugging you down with him and keeping you pressed against his side.
"You know the boys won't be on their way yet," he says kindly. "Sirius takes more time to get ready than the rest of us put together - James is probably still waiting for him. We've got some time, my love."
"But we're supposed to go out," you remind him. "I didn't forget."
Your assurance, you think, might be a bit misplaced, because Remus's brows come together in a worried sort of look as he smoothes a hand through your hair.
"I know you didn't, lovely, it's ok," he murmurs.
"It's not," you insist. "I didn't -"
"Did you fall asleep?" he asks gently, and the look you give him is so guilty that he pulls you closer, one big hand coming down to pull both of your legs up over his lap.
"I'm so sorry," you say quietly. "I really didn't mean to sleep that long, but I didn't hear my alarm, and I - honestly, I shouldn't have laid down at all."
Remus listens quietly, his hand coming up to your cheek, his thumb smoothing across the dark circles under your eyes with a gentleness that makes you feel a bit queasy.
"I'm going to call Sirius," he murmurs, and the way he pulls away from you has something squeezing your lungs tight.
"You don't want to go out anymore?" you ask quietly, and something in your voice must clue him in, because Remus ducks back down to press a sweet, lingering kiss to your lips.
"I think, maybe," he says gently, "we should have a night in, yea?"
"I don't want to cancel our plans because of me," you insist, but he just presses another quick kiss to your cheek before straightening up.
"We're not cancelling anything," he says kindly. "Just altering a bit. I'm going to go call quick before Sirius goes through the effort of putting on those jeans that he can't sit down in. James should be there to pick him up by now, too."
"Remus -" you say tiredly, and he smooths his hand over the back of your head gently.
"Go settle in on the couch, ok?" he adds before disappearing, and you hear the telltale sounds of the phone in your kitchen as he calls the other two.
You wonder, sort of achingly, if he's mad at you. Remus is angry more often than he lets on - but very rarely at the three of you, and you like to think that he'd tell you if he was.
But still, you often think that his patience with you must come to an end someday, and maybe this is finally it. Maybe this -
"That is not the couch, my love." His voice in your doorway has you straightening, but he looks at you with only a mix of fondness and worry. "The boys are on their way over in a minute, but James wants to check in with you. He's still on the phone."
You get up wordlessly, and the lingering brush of Remus's hand against your waist, you think, is supposed to be a comfort.
Sure enough, the phone is still off the hook and laying on the kitchen counter, and you can hear the distant, muffled sounds of James and Sirius sniping at each other on the other side of the call.
"Jamie?" you say as you pick up the phone and press it to your ear, and he changes direction quickly.
"Hi lovie," he says kindly. "How are you feeling?"
"Oh, I'm fine, really," you sigh, twisting the phone cord between your fingers. "I'm so sorry about tonight."
"I'm not," James says easily, and you crane your head around to try to look into the living room where you can hear Remus readjusting and arranging things. "I quite fancy a night in with you all. Should we pick up dinner on the way?"
"No," you insist. "Just get over here. We can order in later."
Sirius shouts some sort of goodbye into the phone, jumbling up with James's see you soon until you're rolling your eyes fondly and hanging up the phone.
"Should I help you in there?" you call out as you make your way into the living room, rubbing a hand over the back of your neck to alleviate some of the tension.
"With what?" Remus asks mildly.
"With whatever you're doing," you respond pointedly as you watch him fluff a couple pillows, a blanket from your bed folded neatly on the couch.
"No," he says kindly, dropping the pillow and holding his hand out for you. "It's all done."
"I didn't mean for you all to wait on me like this," you sigh as you take his hand, letting him usher you down onto the couch.
"You're all dressed up," you continue on a guilty sort of murmur. "And now it's just to sit on my couch with me."
"I'm hardly dressed up," he says kindly. "And, anyway, I'm going to change. Do you still have those sweatpants I left here?"
"Yea, of course," you nod, eyes narrowing slightly at the way he dodges your guilt. "In my room."
"Alright," he presses a quick kiss to the crown of your head. "Find something good on the TV to watch, dove, I'll be quick."
He's not that quick, you think, as James and Sirius pile into your entry way just as Remus is coming back out of the bedroom.
Either that, or the other two had sped to get here. You're not sure which is worse.
"Hello, lovely," Sirius says, grappling you into a tight hug as soon as he sees you, pressing his cold nose to your cheek. "You don't look quite as dire as I thought."
"Did you tell them I look bad?" You ask Remus over Sirius's shoulder, and he tugs down the hoodie that he's borrowed from your closet until it meets the waistline of his low slung sweatpants.
"You don't look bad, you look as perfect as ever," he insists. "Just a bit wrung out, that's all."
"Great," you murmur sarcastically, and Sirius pinches your side for it.
"You're terrible at sharing, Pads," James insists as he tries to worm his way in. "Go put the bags away."
"I told you not to buy anything," you sigh long-sufferingly as Sirius trades you for the grocery bags, James's arms quick to lock you in.
"And I didn't listen," he says, his face smushes against your neck as he leans down into you. "Honestly, my love, I'm not sure why that's so surprising."
"I really didn't -" James chases you just a bit as you pull away from him. "I didn't mean to derail our night like this. Honestly, I'm so sorry."
"I don't think you have anything to be sorry for, dove," Remus says gently. "Other than overworking yourself so much."
"Will you all get in here so we can talk about this without shouting?" Sirius calls from the living room, a grocery bag rustling as he speaks.
"I think only one of us is doing the shouting," James calls back as he steers you through your own apartment. You shoot Remus a look over your shoulder as realization buries itself into your gut.
He didn't want to talk to you because he wanted them all to talk to you. It's a family meeting, you think weakly as James sits you down on the couch.
You wonder how much you've upset them all, as he sits down on the coffee table in front of you, Sirius making a home right next to you on the couch and Remus settling in the armchair on your other side.
You wonder how much you've hurt them - you think of how hurt you'd be if one of them forgot a date, and you suddenly feel a bit nauseous about it all.
"You really don't look well, babe," Sirius murmurs, knuckles brushing across your cheek.
"I'm -" you falter. "I really am sorry. I'd never do anything like that on purpose, you know? It was a mistake - a stupid mistake and it shouldn't have happened and -"
"Have a biscuit," James interrupts you, and you look between the biscuit in his hand and the open grocery bag at his side.
"Why are you giving this to me?" you ask wearily as you take it from him.
"Because you're being terribly hard on yourself," he explains, nudging your arm up by the elbow when you hold the biscuit limply. "And I'm really not sure why."
"I missed our date," you supply hollowly.
"No, you didn't," Remus insists. "We changed our date plans for the evening. That's different."
"Because of me," you counter.
"You're not the only one who likes a quiet night in, you know," Sirius supplies, but you bristle just a bit.
"I don't need a quiet night in - I'm fine," you say pointedly.
"I know you are, love," Remus says gently. "You just also might be extending yourself a bit much."
"I'm not."
"If you're accidentally falling asleep in the middle of the day and missing plans, that's not -"
"I'm fine -"
"Baby," James says imploringly, and you snap your mouth shut.
"Baby," he murmurs again, his hands on your thighs as he softens you with the pet name, something in you cracking. "It's ok. You're not - everything's ok. It's just that if you're tired - if any of us were tired, we'd all probably agree that it'd be a better idea to spend the night in. And it'd still be just as much fun as going out."
Sirius makes an alarmed little sound as you duck your head down to hide your face and a traitorous tear drips down your nose onto the back of James's hand.
"I really don't want -" you start haltingly, "any of you to think I'm a bad person."
"Why would any of us think that?" Sirius asks, the question a disbelieving exhale.
"I stood you up - basically," you say, letting James tilt your head back up to look at him, both of his hands coming up to cup your cheeks and wipe away your tears as they fall.
"You really didn't," Remus said firmly.
"I almost did," you correct yourself with a sniff.
"You made a mistake," Sirius says quietly, and there's something sort of uneasy in his expression now, a looming sort of knowing that makes him feel a bit unsteady. "None of us are going to hold that against you."
"I don't want any of you to think I'm - I don't know. I'm not a bad person," you say earnestly, but it only serves to make James coo and swipe his thumbs over your cheeks again.
"Of course you're not," he says, astonishment colouring his tone. "My love, of course you're not."
"Why would you be?" Remus murmurs. "For a thing like this?"
"I don't want any of you to think…"" you begin carefully. "That I'm - that I'm lying. That I'm only pretending to be… I don't know. Honest or kind or -"
Sirius says your name, then - firm in a way that he is so rarely, his voice sober and even. "You don't…" he says slowly, watching you carefully. "You don't have to convince us that you're a good person. Ever."
"I know," you murmur, ducking your head down and knocking James's hands off your face with the motion.
"Do you?" Remus asks gently, moving from the armchair to perch on the armrest next to you, instead.
"I… I do," you say again - admittedly weaker this time. "I know."
"You know," Sirius says gently, shifting in his seat. His hands clench and unclench on his lap as he looks down, distinctly uncomfortable with what he's cracking open for you. "Back when… before we got together. When we were all just friends, I thought - I had a hard time believing it all."
Remus reaches over behind you to brush his hand over the back of Sirius's head, and you shift your knee to bump against his kindly.
"Sometimes," Sirius begins carefully. "There are people in our lives who make us think we're bad people. It doesn't mean it's true."
"I have this weird fear," you say quietly, and it all just sort of starts tumbling out of you now that Sirius has started it. "That you'll - I don't know. Like maybe I'm tricking you all somehow. Like maybe one day you'll realize that I'm actually awful, and I've just gotten very good at pretending to be good."
"What would you get out of that?" James asks gently, resting his hand on your knee and looking at you kindly.
"What?"
"What good would you get out of that? Really?" he presses. You shrug.
"I don't - I don't know."
"It seems to be making you feel terrible," he points out.
"I don't - I didn't mean -" you begin.
"It just doesn't make sense," Remus agrees. "There's no reason for a thing like that to be true, dove."
"Baby," Sirius murmurs, a gentle hand on your cheek coaxing you to look at him. "It's not true. It's never been true. There's no punishment for making a mistake here."
"Is it ok if I don't believe you fully right now?" you ask quietly, and the smile that he sends you is so soft, you worry that you might cry.
"Of course it is," Sirius insists. "As long as it's ok for us to remind you."
"Of course it is," you agree readily, and Remus squeezes a hand on the back of your neck gently. James twists around to riffle through the bags on the coffee table while his other hand smooths up and down your thigh.
"Have another biscuit," he says. "We'll order in some food."
"You're endorsing dessert before dinner," you counter, but you take the biscuit regardless.
"Well, it's like we said," Remus interjects gently. "There's nothing to get in trouble for here."