ok so very trans lds experience today, I was invited to elders quorem by a guy that was sitting in my row. now to the untrained eye, this is probably a fair move, however I cannot attend elders quorem because I am a trans guy. I politely declined and gave a brief explanation as to why I could not attend, followed up with telling him I needed to leave anyway (binder was starting to ache).
once I got in my car though I kinda realized I felt like crying. I want to go to elders quorem, but my commitment to being authentically myself plus wanting to listen to what my bishop has asked me to do just leaves me in a predicament. I want to be one of the guys and learn the gospel alongside them, but I don’t want to do it sneakily or be an exception to the rule. I want the policies to be fair for all of my trans siblings, and I won’t be quiet about it. I’m not going to relief society because that would be a massively dysphoric experience for me.
The problem is mostly a social one. Because I am commited to upholding my authenticity, I am constantly having to be vulnerable and continuously come out to others, and that’s a scary thing for me very often. I can’t always gauge how others are going to react and I’m always scared of their rejection. I’d love to just come out en masse so it’s not me having the same conversation week after week, because it’s so exhausting and anxiety-inducing. I don’t mind people knowing I’m trans, but I hate the awkward in-betweens where people have to get used to me. And this is also a YSA ward that I’m leaving in August after I move into my dorm. It starts to feel pointless to attend second hour at all because I’m so scared of other people that I just shut down anyways, AND I’m not here permanently so I don’t wanna waste my energy coming out and getting comfortable just to have the rug ripped out from under me.
