2015 IN REVIEW, THANK YOU!
2015, The year of preparations. The year of journeys. The year of battles.
I kind of thought I won’t be writing about this year because it is like peeling the layers off my conscious, my personality and my experiences and it is painful. But as Rumi says “These Pains you feel are messengers, Listen to them.” I sat down and I listened. After all, he was right that the cure of pain is in the pain.
When the year began, it was a kick start of a lot of new beginnings for me. I started over, a significant part of my life was over, I resigned from the Job I was very comfortable with, I started to blog. All of this was hell of a journey commencing with year 2015.
I remember getting my yearly verse from the Church and it was: Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. – PSALM 37.4
That moment I knew that this year God will give me the desire of my heart. What I didn’t know was that between the time when God promises you something and time when he grants you with that thing, there lies a time of preparation. He prepares you, he takes you on multiple journeys within and without. He re-wires your brain, soften your heart, hardens your mind… so you can handle and cherish what he is going to give you… and this process is very painful!
**Delight yourself in the LORD**
First quarter of the year was full of beginner’s luck. My blog clicked. I transitioned in my new lifestyle confidently, I made great friends. I met Sunshine. I bonded with Summer. If you follow my blogs, you would know that these two friends are inseparable part of my being. Celebrated a memorable birthday. Dealt with a heartbreak very bravely. I adopted a homeless puppy, Ranjha. Added Ashima and Haardik to my soul family. They make me believe that family is much more then sharing a blood line. Talked two friends out of suicide. Attended the Happiness Program, AOL. Dealt with long standing emotional issues via counselling. Everything looked smooth. I was so content, felt like I had it all. Of course I delighted myself in the Lord!
Second quarter, was a major shift. Didn’t get paid for a project I worked diligently on (As I was on a sabbatical, this wage mattered), Realized that some friendships were only illusions. Failed at making peace with someone. Got questioned for my kindness. But the highlight was trip to Jammu and Kashmir. I managed to visit Srinagar, birth town of my mother. It was like walking back into her arms. There, I met Dr. Rabia Moughal, who is now a mother figure in my life. It’s like my mom directed me there so I could meet Ammee Jaaan (that’s what I call her). She shook me awake. She dusted off my edges, she looked me in the eye and told me I was strong, I was self-sufficient and pushed me on a journey within. She made me see I didn’t need something external to complete me, I have to instead embrace myself. She taught me the art of self-love and respect. Ammee Jaaan also predicted some amazing things for my future which I see are unfolding already. Found a lifetime friendship with Sajal, my prayer warrior. Though this quarter was trippy but I dealt with my scars, my fears and my insecurities. Yes, I could delight myself in the Lord!
Third Quarter, I don’t even know how do I began to talk to about it. Everything I earned and learned in first six months was taken away from me. I was ripped of my dignity, my self-worth, my respect, my health, almost everything I took pride in, was gone. Just like that. I met with an accident which led to concussion (traumatic brain injury in the occipital lobe) which caused photophobia, temporary colour blindness, sleep issues, balance issues, walking issues. In a way my body crashed! Mind somehow held on… But not so long and I lost more than I could take. Sunshine gone, Summer, she drifted so far. Family seemed aloof. Lonely nights, troubling thoughts and momentary weakness even led to extreme suicidal thoughts, yes I said it. The girl who talks other people out of suicide was considering it. I found myself standing in No Man’s land…you know that place between two countries which belong to no one? I felt like I was standing there. Death on one side and life on another. With no place to belong, no person to hold onto and unsure of who I was as a person anymore… full of health problems, self-doubt and faith crisis. My soul cried from No Man’s land. God heard me. He responded. He sent help! Benita and Pastor James, I would not forget that night… When I knocked your door in helplessness and you took me in and told me “Amy, you are too precious to perish this way.” In that moment I knew it was life I was going to walk to, I knew which side to choose. Thank you for holding my hand and bringing me back to life. I could not delight at all. Not in God, not in myself. But in that moment I figured which side to step up to. Further, I took a 40 day journey in solitude, led by “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren, the book which fixed me. Dawn and Benita, thank you for being my reading partners, my recovery partners. (I advocate this book for anyone who believes in God and feels unsure of life. This book will heal you one chapter, one prayer, one soul cry a day) I must mention that during my recovery I had the most meaningful conversations with my dad. He used to put me to sleep every night like a little girl, assuring me that it’s all going to be alright. I developed an elated love for my father during this period. Because of this reason alone, I didn’t mind being wrecked. If all this disaster brought me closer to my father on earth and my father in heaven, I can suffer through it again… and manage to delight myself in the Lord, knowing that he runs the world and if he allows this pain, he has a purpose.
Fourth Quarter, I came back. Stronger, wiser, healthier and better in all possible ways. I looked like how a tree looks like after pruning. A little altered to some and delight to others. I didn’t come back with a bang. I had to struggle every morning to walk, deal with eyesight issues, the stammering, the weakness, keeping up with medicines and therapies. I still remember the lack of confidence I felt while appearing for my interview last month. But we made it. I and God, together, we did it.
So now as the year is ending… And I assume God is done preparing me, teaching me that through let downs and disappointments and heart breaks if there is anyone who can sustain a human is he, himself. And that one can suffer and still not give up the art of laughter, one can walk through the valley of shadows and still see the Sun…. that I can delight myself in the Lord even when there is no other reason but that he is there, still.
*** And he will give you the desires of your heart***
I am blessed with a very decent job, which almost seems impossible to find in my region that too with such pay-out. I am blogging, I have recovered so much it almost seems like a miracle sometimes. I have no illusions of having people who aren’t really there. Recently, managed to run Joy of Christmas initiative to donate winter goods in a slum. So I am back. And all this tragedy makes sense. I needed it. They say, after the darkest night comes the brightest dawn, like that my morning has come to me, I can see its going to shine on. I know all the shadows are going to fade away in its light. In the glory of my recent journey uphills and the magic it contained. God bless the broken road which brought me here.
2015, thank you for lessons about myself, God and life, for breakthroughs and grace. For keeping me alive.
2016, welcome! I am ready for whatever you will unfold. I know, I am in safe hands. I am Amy, I am a survivor, better yet, a fighter.
Thank you God! For everything… including the third quarter, because learning to delight in you in midst of sorrows has been my greatest lesson. Also, for giving me the desires of my heart, it is beautiful. You made it beautiful Just in time... Thank you for turning your lamb into a lioness.
Obviously, countless thank yous to friends and siblings who stayed through the storm. Harnek, Shina, Abhi, Sajjal. Rupinder, Kibria and Nelson. Thank you will fall short for what you both did... my Summer and my Sunshine. My prayers follow you guys everywhere.
My Dearies, Let the sun go down on all your mistakes, all the losses, all the people who departed from us. Start afresh, with new wings, new strength. Soar over! and remember:
“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” – Elif Shafak.