Author’s note: this is like my third blog and I promised myself I wasn’t going to write any Rafia stuff here. But… I’m listening to Olivia’s new album on my cd player and this idea hit me. This is sincerelypetal.. if anyone remembers me lol.
I’m a sad shell of a woman and I’ve got maggots for brains
But that’s just what happens when my
Sofia downs another beer, some of it slushing the sides of her mouth. It burns the back of her throat, but she was hoping for the sting. Needed something to distract her, and the cheap beer was doing somewhat that. Her purse hits her gently on her arm, she ignores it.
This was never her crowd, she was never one to be found here, lounging around with people she hardly spoke to. Drinking disgusting beer and laughing at jokes she didn’t actually find funny. But lately, she found she’d been ripped by the seams.
Old Sofia wouldn’t be here. This new her, despite not knowing why she was in the boneyard, was here to find… something. She was even dressed like everyone else today. Short shorts with a tight halter top. Her sandals the only thing she kept the same.
She doesn’t turn, just bends down to grab another beer from the cooler. Handing over her last few dollars to the Kook selling it.
“Rafe wouldn’t like this.”
Her eyes closed, her lips stretching into a thin line. She finally leveled her eyes to Topper, who annoyingly has a worried look on his face. Here he goes, wanting to be some kind of hero to someone who doesn’t want him to be. She hugs the beer close to her chest.
“He’s not here, is he?” She tastes the venom in her voice, her heart tells a different story. One of aching harrowing pain.
She feels the wind tousle her hair, doesn’t bother to push it off her face. Glad it obscures Topper’s face, she doesn’t want to see him either.
“But I am. And I know he wouldn’t want me to leave you… like this.”
Her face scrunches up in annoyance, who the hell did he think he was? She could take care of herself just fine. It was only two beers.
“And from the looks of it. It seems you came alone. Which means you drove here alone.”
“Seems like you’re being observant.” This time her voice falls flat on venom.
“Look, I can take you home—”
She drops her beer; both. Feels the liquid spill against her sandals.
“Rafe isn’t here, Topper! I don’t need you to babysit me! He doesn’t care what the hell happens to me! So why should you?”
The unused resentment spills out of her, she isn’t even drunk, she’s just angry. Topper mouth opens like a fish out of water and she wants to laugh. He must have thought she was going to make it easier for him. That she wouldn’t push back. But fuck it, new Sofia does.
“He wouldn’t want you here. Look, I don’t know what happened between you. But I know he care—”
Sofia lets out an ugly scoff, she crosses her arms, head shaking.
“He didn’t even like you.” Sofia says, her eyes narrowing at him. “He thought you were hung up on his sister and it made you pathetic. He thought you were the worst kind of Kook.”
“Okay.” Topper says, blinking rapidly, his brows furrowing into confusion, his hands in front of him like he’s actually trying to process it. Like it hadn’t been so obvious.
“And you’re saying mean things so I’ll leave you alone.”
She doesn’t bother refuting, he’s clearly not used to the idea of someone he considers like him, not liking him.
“But look, this isn’t your kind of scene Sofia. And I wouldn’t want something bad happening to you. It’ll just kill Rafe.”
Each time his name slips out of Toppers mouth, just feels like another jab to her heart. It’s all her fault anyway, she’d ruin it, crushed it beneath her toe. His icy blue eyes flashes in her head and she winces.
“He cares. So let me just take you home.”
She gesticulates around her, at the boneyard, at the people dancing and getting drunk. People giggling at jokes they probably didn’t truly find funny around the bonfire, the fire cracking, turning to ash.
“This. What if this is me now? Who are you to tell me this isn’t my kind of scene?”
“Whatever, take me home. Doesn’t make a real difference.”
She sits in the back seat of Topper’s bmw, staring out the window, tears flowing down her face. The music covering up the little hiccups that escape her lips. The ac is on full blast, if Rafe had been here, he would have known she didn’t like it that way. He would have known, she feels the phantom touch of his thumb rubbing circles against her thigh.
Maybe they’d been some truth to Topper’s words. Maybe Rafe did care.
His words echo in her head again.
“Just because we hook up doesn’t mean she’s my girlfriend, okay.”
She remembers the way his words slurred but he had still said them. No matter what she wanted to believe, Rafe still didn’t see her as someone who he could see himself with.
It all felt so contradictory, she wiped her eyes, hoping Topper hadn’t seen. The last thing she needs is him running to tell Rafe. How he found her at the boneyard, trying to get drunk. “She looked heartbroken dude.” With his stupid frat boy voice of his. She places her hands in her lap, staring at them, she could only forgive so much. Could only excuse so much. Could only conclude, Rafe didn’t really care.
God, she really wished she could change everything. Had stopped herself from hearing what he had said. She wouldn’t have lost him and therefore wouldn’t have lost a part of herself. The naive part of her who believed they could have worked out.
Sofia glances up, her rickety old house, the juxtaposition of her sitting in Toppers expensive car. She bursts into a fit of laughter, her shoulders shaking, tears springing out of her eyes. She probably looked crazy from the inside looking in. But the whole thing felt like a weird fever dream she was going to wake up from. How weird was it that Topper was the one who found her. She couldn’t help but let out another shriek of laughter.
“I know break ups are hard. Especially with someone like Rafe. But—”
“Thanks Topper for driving me home. But I don’t need any advice.”
She opens the car door, slamming it shut, not bothering to say anything more to him. She digs around her purse, retrieving her keys and entering her house. She only hears the engine of his car before he drives away.
She’s pathetic, that’s probably how everyone sees her now. A naive girl fed a dream. So naive that she even quit a “decent” job for a man who wasn’t reliable. The town’s piranha, but if they really knew Rafe, they would know he really didn’t bite.
The most he could do was sting. Deep down, she knew he didn’t even know why he did. Everything he did was a reaction from what others did to him. Not because he really felt inclined to it. There was no real danger. Just a scared little boy wanting to throw the first punch so he didn’t look like a coward.
She slipped back into her room, jumping straight onto her bed, burying her face into the sheets. She wanted this night to be over with already.
That’s how many times Topper had said Rafe’s name. Too many times. She felt as if he was stitching his name into her brain, so she didn’t forget him. So she could see that no matter how much she thought she was finally getting over him. Rafe was still worming his way into her, even if it wasn’t for love.
She closed her eyes, praying sleep dragged her under.
