a/n: inspired by this tik tok and its audio I LAUGHED SO HARD BC THIS IS SO CANON (link contains art credits!)
also to the kaiser in this fic, respectfully, stay away from my man.
the worst part about working at blue lock wasn’t the hours, or the screaming, or the fact you’d witnessed grown men argue over protein powder flavors like it was that big of a damn deal.
it was this.
“kaiser says my passes are the only ones worthy of his goals,” ness said proudly, adjusting his sleeves with a little smile that made isagi freeze mid-water sip.
you looked up from your clipboard slowly. cuz why was the silence so loud.
bachira immediately covered his mouth. reo turned around so fast he almost got whiplash. rin looked offended to even be present.
and isagi… oh, isagi looked like he had just been handed the funniest thing in human history.
ness blinked. “what.”
isagi lowered the bottle from his mouth with trembling hands. “nothing.”
because the second bachira let out one singular snort, isagi LOST IT. he folded in half laughing. actually laughing. wheezing. slapping his knee. pointing directly at ness like he’d just delivered stand-up comedy.
“‘worthy of his goals,’” isagi repeated in the most dramatic, breathy voice imaginable, hand against his chest. “‘kaiser… your goals… they’re just so beautiful… let me assist you, my emperor–’”
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” ness snapped instantly.
isagi straightened only to point harder.
“NO, WAIT–” he continued, voice getting zestier by the second. “‘kaiser’s passes feel different.’ ‘kaiser breathes soccer.’ ‘kaiser’s impact is unmatched.’”
bachira was on the FLOOR.
reo had tears in his eyes. even chigiri was biting his lip trying not to laugh.
ness looked moments away from homicide.
“i don’t SOUND LIKE THAT.”
“you literally do,” isagi gasped. “you talk about him like he hung the moon and the stars.”
“because he’s the best striker in the world!”
“there it is again!” isagi shouted, spinning toward everyone like a courtroom lawyer presenting evidence. “‘the best striker in the world.’ ness, stand UP.”
“YOU stand up.”
“you’re in LOVE with him.”
“i am NOT.”
“your entire personality is blonde.”
ness lunged across the room so fast you almost dropped your clipboard.
isagi yelped and hid behind you immediately, hands on your shoulders while pointing around your head like a menace.
“SEE? SEE? HE’S MAD BECAUSE IT’S TRUE.”
“MOVE.”
“no ♡”
“GET OUT HERE.”
“or what? gonna give me another yellow card for violating daddy’s loyalty again?”
across the room, kaiser sat stretched across the bench, one leg over the other, scrolling on his phone with the most uninterested expression you’d ever seen. completely nonchalant. absolutely unaffected. except for the tiny twitch at the corner of his mouth.
and the fact he hadn’t looked away from isagi once. you noticed. unfortunately, ness noticed, too.
“and YOU,” ness whipped around furiously, “WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE?!”
kaiser finally glanced up lazily. “hm?”
“say something!”
“why?” kaiser shrugged. “yoichi’s entertaining.”
isagi looked personally rewarded by god for a second.
“HE LIKES MY JOKES,” he said instantly.
“don’t encourage him!” ness hissed.
“but he’s funny.” kaiser tilted his head slightly, eyes half-lidded as they drifted back to isagi. “cute, too, when he gets annoying.”
the entire room went silent. isagi froze. you froze. bachira’s jaw DROPPED. rin looked like he wanted to report this entire facility to the government. and ness stared at kaiser like he’d just been shot in the chest.
“cute…?” he repeated weakly.
and that… that was the moment isagi realized he’d accidentally walked into dangerous territory. because kaiser was still looking at him. relaxed and calm as ever. but there was something deeply evil in the way he smirked afterward. like he’d been quietly enjoying every second of this. like watching isagi run his mouth was his favorite show.
isagi recovered first, immediately pointing again because self-preservation apparently did not exist inside him.
“DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT,” he barked. “ness literally wants to crawl into your skin.”
“YOICHI.”
“he’d let you hit him with a car if you asked politely.”
“YOICHI.”
“he probably says thank you after losing arguments– actually this man INVENTED meatriding–”
ness finally caught him.
the resulting screaming match echoed through the entire training wing while bachira nearly passed out laughing beside you.
and through all of it, kaiser sat there with his chin propped against his hand, watching isagi with the most subtly obsessed expression imaginable.
