Somehow, we have reached the point in the abyss where I have lost my footing,
Where I no longer feel safety in any of my steps and for a while the truth is I have been going in circles
Reaching the same valleys, mistaking the same weak branches as roots of stability learning every time, I lean on them I fall down again,
Parts of this realm I am falling right into quicksand and realizing I can no longer catch my footing as I rapidly sink, grasping at anything to pull me up from the sinkhole I have just fallen into.
As the sun rises the next day it seems as though I trust the ground again, just hoping this time I will not be eaten up.
I have reached out for help,
Waved my white flag,
Sent smoke signals,
And screamed from the tops of my lungs,
Just in hopes to be saved, to be heard, to be rescued.
But every attempt at asking for help and depending on others to bring me back to safety.
I have caused an avalanche within my own body that leaves me vulnerable and shattered into pieces that will never form a picture that I have seen before,
Everything is different now,
I am the only one left in this desolate world able to find my footing.
Track down my gravity.
Allow my soul to become lighter.
Take off my gravity belt and decide to stay on this planet a while.
As much as I have blamed my drowning on others, I realize the weight of the things I am holding on to that are causing me to sink,
And I need somewhere to let them go.
So, this is my abyss
This is my realm where I must recreate safety within myself.
Because the loneliness that I feel
And the sense of “Needing to Survive” that I have endured has changed my being.
And I do not want to continue to light myself on fire to keep others warm,
I am tired of fantasizing the day that my body fits perfectly back into the ground,
I am tired of pretending that I am not sad,
That I have not become a flower or plant and water myself in the quiet nooks of the days in the corner where no one can see my blood shot eyes or heart that feels too heavy to be carrying.
I have let too many people into places I no longer feel safe.
So, it is now my turn to create safety.
Safety within this realm
And honesty outside of my mind
The abyss becomes my therapy session.
Over and over again
We will meet.
