#sparkbatch

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I’m just... so down. Please just... give me easy access to my college friends, drummerboy, or marine back. Just one. I only need one of those and I’ll be fine for months.

Is this mere loneliness or is it a sign I need to up my depression meds? Cause I am not doing well.

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Dropped

I... okay so I did a little research and am now pretty much positive drummerboy is cutting me off. He leaves me on read for days at a time. The scattered conversations we have had are vague and always include Kidsdept, who he seems to be getting closer with. We used to call and text for hours a day, not even that long ago. He made college bearable during my miserable first semester. We played portal together, watched shows and Grateful Dead concerts. He thought I was hilarious and awesome to be around. He was always telling me that he’d never felt more understood. We both were depressed and had tiny attention spans, we loved all the same things, and.. something about him just made SENSE to me. Something... it was like I didn’t have to explain anything, and neither did he. We got it. He really liked things about me I had never seen as positives. “There are times when you just get really excited and it’s like a rocket taking off, and I love it and its amazing and exciting, but there comes a point where you just CRASH and it’s hilarious”. He was always telling me that I made him smile, I made him laugh, thanking me for being his friend.

I’m reading all these little quotes from our conversations and it’s making me sad. He really honestly has been my best friend and this... sucks.

Did he like me, and he’s pushing away because of Acushla? He did compliment and encourage me a lot. But that is also a friend thing, and believe me he roasted me far more than he complimented me.

I mentioned to Sparkbatch awhile back that I was worried I was losing a good friend of mine, and he replied “I wouldn’t worry too much about your friend. They would have to be crazy to replace you.” I hadn’t thought of HIM losing MY friendship, only me losing his. Spark saying that just... it really hit me. I have value and if he doesn’t appreciate it then... fine! It’s just... gosh he was really one of my favorite people, and I am really going to miss him.

I keep thinking that maybe it’s something that I’ve done. Maybe he really didn’t like when I’d pick up & he called, and I’d put him on speaker and introduce him to whoever happened to be in the room. Maybe I’ve gotten repetitive and dull. Maybe he’s figured me out and I’m not interesting anymore.

This really, really sucks.

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I’m growing away from all of my friends. Drummerboy, tamslam, sparkbatch, ace, pixie, purple.. all of them, and I don’t know why. I try to keep in touch but we can’t talk right.

Guys, I’m so sorry. I truly am. I don’t know what’s come over me.

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I freaking love my friends. I love them. I swear on this earth.

We have such a freaking good time, every time we all hang together. I am so grateful for them. I am grateful how they play little mini games with me while we are all doing something else, they all have phenomenal senses of humor, they enjoy my company whether I’m bouncing off the walls or more laid back. I’m sad I might lose them soon, but I am so thankful for the times we have had.

That group hug was so good. It made me so happy. You all rock. Go us!!

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I got stuck reading your thoughts about each other. One of you truly scares me, and both I am truly scared for.

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Boys

What even are feelings?

Feelings feel so far away. Everything feels so distant, and muted, until I’m sitting around a table with my friends, making them howl with laughter, and for a brief moment everything feels okay. Feelings are so muted, until I hear him hum to himself late at night. Is that mere friendship?

The man I claim to love is a distant memory. He has been inaccessible to me longer than I have known him. I write him letters to tell him I adore him, and I wait, and I wait, and I wait for the chance to see him again, make myself rekindle a fire that is nearly out.

Men are so scary, and I only trust two of them, one of whom is gone.

I trusted a stuttering kid for a little while, until I learned more about him. I feel hurt, I feel betrayed, I feel as though I cannot trust any new guy. I can trust them in groups, and that is all. Except for my two boys.

I’d trust my little drummer boy with my life.