#split attraction model validated hell yeah

[shiftybells]

How Half Of Class 1-A Gained A Crush On Iida At 5 AM

It was at 5 AM that class 1-A learned how hot Tenya Iida actually was.

Now it was granted that the class already considered Iida ‘good looking’, but between his constantly uptight attitude and rather comical gestures, Iida was a rather funny person to look at. But it wasn’t until one rather inconspicuous morning that their ‘holy shit Iida’s hot’ revelation actually smacked them in the face out of left field.

Only a little over half of the class was awake, some were already wide awake and dressed like Aoyama, Todoroki and Jirou. Some were half awake with their pyjamas still on like Bakugou, Tokoyami, Yaoyorozu, Kirishima and Uraraka. The rest had stumbled down only a few moments before, eyes barely cracked open and barely coherent. Kaminari was half babbling over his mug of coffee while Ashido and Midoriya were blinking away sleep from their eyes slowly, bags prominent in the early morning.

It was pretty peaceful, if not slightly disconcerting to not hear or see Iida’s frankly, endearing hand chops and rambles.

As if he had been summoned Iida ever so slightly stumbled down the stairs, glasses in one hand as he let out a yawn that interrupted his “Pardon me” and ran another through his hair, blues strands becoming mussed and undercut on full display.

As he delicately placed his glasses on his face (perfectly of course, Iida doesn’t do anything in half spades) the rest of them could just picture the rosy background and sparkles around him as if they were in a cheesy anime, before his eyes blinked open to reveal ruby red eyes that positively shone as he peacefully smiled at them, surprisingly calm for once compared to usual loud way of speech.

“Good morning all!”

Everyone that was in the room had quickly spreading blushes across their faces, all dumbstruck except for Aoyama who simply squeaked out “Magnifique!”

Hell even Bakugou was blushing even if he was still frowning, which was probably his default expression. (Don’t worry though, everyone knew he was a big softie.)

Thankfully Iida didn’t notice his classmates blushing as he walked into the kitchen, presumably to make himself breakfast.

“What the fuck” Bakugou sounded so startled that somehow didn’t even begin to match what they were all feeling at that moment.

They all though that it was a onetime thing but nope, the universe hated them.

When they arrived to class Iida greeted them with a blinding smile and energetic hand chops.

And much to the amusement and confusion of their other classmates, whenever Iida either glanced in their direction or talked to them they would furiously blush and stammer like underclassmen around their crushes.

Whenever he would see their expressions, Iida would his head to the side in concern and frown (but that only worsen the blushing and stammering as it him look like a curious puppy-)

“Are you alright? You’re bright red! Are you sick?”

The concern in his eyes would make them melt and it would be physically be painful to try and not collapse into a puddle of goo on the floor.

Midoriya would be frantically texting Shinsou in a bi panic whenever Iida would smile at him (so ninety-five percent of the time) while the rest would scream with their friends in a blubbering mess. Midoriya basically spent most of his time with Iida so this was pure torture.

Of course it got worse as the week dragged on. When they decided to use the pool Iida just had to forego a swimming cap dammit. His head shone in the sun from where it was plastered to his forehead and poor Kaminari was subjected to seeing a shirtless and soaked Iida in a new light.

Kaminari, being the chaotic dumbass he was, nearly short-circuited and electrocuted everyone in the pool, but thankfully was splashed out of his stupor by Yaoyorozu, who was blushing just as hard as him, but they all managed to pass their blushing off as simply being hot from the sun, which earned them a small lecture about sun safety.

Oh and don’t even get them started on heroics class with All Might. Tokoyami and Iida had been paired up for the exercise, which some of the others both were grateful for and lamented the fact that they weren’t with the class president.

They had agreed to split up and search the two buildings beside each other, only for Tokoyami to be thrown through one of the top windows by one of Bakugou’s more aggressive blasts, which had stunned Tokoyami enough that he wasn’t able to be prepared enough for the fall that came right after.

All Might was seconds away from stepping in only for Iida sans his helmet to burst through one of the other windows opposite of the building and catch Tokoyami by wrapping his arms around the smaller male, and essentially wrap his entire body around him before crashing through another window, allowing his body to take the brunt of the fall.

Tokoyami had thankfully walked away from the fall with only a few bruises while Iida had gained a slightly dislocated shoulder from the impact, some bruising all along his right side, arm, neck and a small graze along cheek.

Tokoyami had been apologising profusely for Iida’s injuries at the end of the lesson in Recovery Girl’s infirmary while Dark Shadow crowed sadly, but Iida had simply waved his apologies off with a smile and a “Do not worry about it at all Tokoyami-kun! Bakugou-kun is a strong person, and I am pleased that I managed to catch you in time!”

Later that night Tokoyami had screamed into the recently made group chat that the eleven had made, which was aptly named Tenya Iida Simps™, which had only existed for roughly two nearly three days, but had already gained just shy of two thousand messages.

Funnily enough,most of it was just key smashes.

Tenya Iida Simps™

Bananabeak: UHBWDCIDEIEPEI

Assid: couldn’t have said better myself toko

Peppermint Bastard: Is this about what happened earlier Tokoyami?

Bananabeak: WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU THINK????

God Herself: It’s okay Tokoyami, get it all out of your system.

Bananabeak: I- he’s just so soft!?!? He cradled me so gently I felt so safe an grateful that he caught me because I certaintly wouldn’t have walked away from a fall like that uninjured like I did today and just jkhuhlehlhdf he so kind because even though he was hurt and took nearly all the damage form that fall be still asked me if I was alright like excuse me sir you are BLEEDING AND YOU ARE ASKING ME IF IM ALRIGHT!?

JackJack is jacked: oof I feel ya there Tokoyami

Voltboi: yeah! Just like when Iida has helping me and ashido do some revision before a test but I could barely even concentrate cause his eyes are just so fucking pretty

Voltboi: I mean how are his eyes such a nice shade of red wtf

Bakugou? More Like BakuBITCH: Normally I would yell at you lot for that, but honestly?

Bakugou? More Like BakuBITCH: Valid

Of course even though they would all scream into the void at some point (The void being the chat) it didn’t help things in the slightest.

Aoyama had been asking Iida about different outfit designs that he would create (Of course everyone in the class knew about his designing hobby, but Iida was one of the only people who he shared the process with) and the class president was ecstatic when he was asked for his input.

Aoyama had confessed to Iida at one point that he had doubts about his work, only for Iida to smile and offer to be a model for his designs at some point, which only made Aoyama nearly burst into tears while hugging him.

While most of the groups interactions with Iida were soft and heart-warming, Bakugou and Kirishima had both agreed that training with Iida was both annoying and fun because one; Iida was so attractive that they kept getting distracted and two; Iida fought ruthlessly and wasn’t afraid to play dirty.

Todoroki of course enjoyed spending time with his friend, (when they weren’t plotting Endeavour’s murder that was) except when he had to make sure that hadn’t caught fire or anything.

And of course Uraraka couldn’t stop blushing whenever she and Iida were out about the city with the rest of the squad, and without fail she would nearly burst into tears and nearly start to blubber whenever they would be out to get food. Iida would ask them what they want, and every time she would say “S-sorry Iida but I don’t have any money” he would simply narrow his eyes at her and say “I didn’t ask you if you had any money, I asked what you wanted.”

Of course Tsu would send all three of them knowing looks whenever Iida’s back was turned.

Yaoyorozu and Jirou both loved that whenever Mineta was trying to creep up on the girls or feel them up that Iida would immediately call him out on it, and even that one time he dragged him outside and used recipro burst to kick Mineta into the principal’s office via an open window and yet somehow didn’t get any punishment for.

Of course when the week came to a close Iida happened to be visiting his family for the weekend, so he waved a cheerful goodbye and left a warm fluttery feeling in their chests.

Ojiro watched as the small group quickly dispersed to their respective rooms, Shoji, Tsuyu and Sero all having knowing smirks, (or a knowing glint in his eye in Shoji’s case.) “Man, they’re in deep aren’t they?” His comment drew snickers from the other three.

*Bonus*

“So Tenya, got anything to tell us?”

Tenya looked up from his food to look at Tensei, only to smirk.

“What, you mean that all of a sudden just over half of my classmates have suddenly gained a crush on me?” Kayama let out a cackle. “Looks like the Iida genes strike again!”

Shouta smirked. “So that’s why half of my problem children were a blushing, stuttering mess all week?”

Tenya laughed. “Oh most definitely.”

“Wait wait wait, hold up!” Hitoshi pointed his fork at his cousin. “You’re telling me that you were aware of everything? So Midoriya was texting me about how oblivious you were, only for him to be completely fucking wrong!?”

Tenya nodded. “Absolutely, even their ‘secret group chat’ which is honestly barely even a secret.”

Hitoshi sat back in his chair with a small “huh”.

Hizashi leant over the table eagerly. “What’s the name of the chat?”

Both boys snorted. “You sure you wanna know?” Hitoshi cackled.

Kayama laughed. “Okay, now you have to tell us.”

Tenya smirked. “Tenya Iida Simps Trade Marked.”

A brief bout of silence- then Tensei slammed his head against the table with shaking shoulders while the rest of them let out loud shrieks of laughter that echoed throughout the house.

“THEY CALL THEMSELVES SIMPS, OH MY GOD”

Shouta leaned over to look at Tenya. “You gonna make next week absolute hell for them, aren’t you?”

Tenya laughed. “Oh, absolutely.”

A small crash then pained laughter came up from the floor. “H-HELP, I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UUUP!”

Tenya laughed. “Looks like Hitoshi’s died.”

Another small crash and Hizashi’s head disappeared from his seat as he slid to the ground, squeaky wheezes escaping his lungs.

“Aaaand there goes Hizashi-nii.”

Shouta snorted. “Welp, looks like both my husband and son are dead, best get more cats to fill up the now empty space in the house.”

“W-WOW LOOK AT THAT DAD, WE’RE GETTING REPLACED BY F-FUCKING CATS.”

Hizashi wheezed from his place on the carpet.

Tenya smirked. God he loved fucking with his classmates, and if a video was taken of the other three laughing their asses off and stored in the blackmail folder in one of the darker spots of his phones storage, well that was a fact that Tenya would keep to himself with a small smile.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

how do people figure out their sexuality? i'm still here trying to figure out what my gender is after something like 7 years of self doubt, rip

Hey Nonny! *HUGS*

Ahhh, I actually answered a similar question quite recently, so I think you can start there, but I will talk a bit about my own journey below, so you know that it is OKAY TO NOT KNOW. Because I’m 39 and I accepted who I was a couple years ago after a 4 year crisis.

So, yeah... mine (panro-ace) was a sudden realization at 33/4 years, and it was actually really terrifying :| Honestly, Nonny, it’s more about “feeling” that you’re not the “societal standard” and then deciding learn more about it. For me, when I suspected I was ace after growing up thinking I was completely and utterly broken (it’s a bit more difficult for us aces to realize what we are, especially since it’s such a wide spectrum and we’re often just told it’s a libido issue), I consumed everything about asexuality I could find. A good jump-off point for me was asexuality.org and the LGBT Wiki, and I watched a few TED talks and Ace YouTubers. 

After I figured out I was definitely ace, I learned about the split attraction model, which primarily aces use to help them further identify themselves with a romantic alignment vs sexual alignment, since a lot of a lot of us don’t experience sexual attraction. I realized that I would be happy as long as I was with some one... for as long as I could remember, there was never a gender attached to that “one”, and after a lot of learning about myself, I feel like “panromantic” is the label I like and currently describes me. It might change, who knows, but I love everyone – as long as someone loves me back, then that’s all that matters.

So, Nonny, seriously, don’t beat yourself up over it. There’s no “time limit” on when you have to cash in a sexuality card. One of my best friends is trans, and he figured it out when he was 33 (though he was identifying as transmasc for a year before, so probably even sooner). So honestly Nonny, if someone in your life is making you feel invalid, which is what I am suspecting here, you need to tell them to knock it off. You are valid. Take your time, do your research, and hey, if you find out that you had the wrong label, that’s okay. Sexuality is fluid. Just take care of yourself, and start doing the research. It’s scary as all hell, Nonny, when you realize you’re not what you thought you were for most of your life, absolutely. But the sense of peace you have when you finally do, it’s quite liberating. 

I love you Nonny, and I wish the best for you. Don’t beat yourself up over it all, and we’re ALL here for you if you have any questions <3

[gagmebucky]

thank you to taylor @blessedbucky​, mia @theamericanfalcon, liz @marvelous-mr-stark, raechel, shayla, lauren, courtney, em and tina for allowing me to write this content as well as my beta reader kat @angel-fire​! love you all!

read the full synopsis and excerpt // read chapters snippets here.

o. in which you accidentally send your nudes to your brothers’ best friend. (includes reader’s pov, bucky’s pov, mentions of sexting.)

—

Initially, taking the photos—exposing yourself in such an intimate state to another—you were hesitant. It wasn’t the possible repercussions, i.e. revenge porn, that gave you pause but more-so an insecurity in your own body. Having never done something like this before, you briefly dithered between whether you should or not. 

Ultimately, however, you do. The guy had spent money on you, went through the trouble of finding something you’d like and shipped it discreetly. And when you slip the racy number on, your insecurities wash away and leave excitement in its wake. Everything about it you love, and it has you preening in a solo photo shoot you’re eager to show off. 

After a good time of selfie shutters bulking your phone’s storage—positions of you scantily-clad standing, sitting, a cross of both—you finally relent. There’s too many pictures to pick from, but you do. Three poses that optimize the best aspects of the outfit and that you think he’ll like the best have you buzzing in anticipation of his reaction. 

Giddy, you tap them directly on the album app and click the share button; you input the letter B in the ‘To:’ slot. Since there’s only two contact names under that letter, his name shows up immediately, the first with the nickname Bucky beneath it. You gloss over that and in quick succession, you quickly hit the contact and press send. 

For a split second, you’re proud: you’ve taken this e-relationship to the next level like he wanted, and he’ll be happy with you. Then it hits you like a brick through glass. A replay of your actions travel to your brain, and you belatedly realize what your eyes saw—your thumb smearing too low on the screen, so instead of Brock as the recipient, it’s Bucky. 

“No, no, no!” you whisper as your heart hurtles like a jackhammer stuck in your rib cage. 

A part of you insists it’s your paranoia playing tricks on you, and that’s a valid rationale because this whole thing does worry you about getting caught. Except, upon checking its legitimacy, you confirm what you accidentally did. There’s no mistaking it, now, because with your brightness turned up full, your partially nude figure stares you in the face underneath of a thread between you and your brothers’ best friend. 

James Bucky Barnes—the man who’s nicknamed you bambi because the numerous times he’s seen you face-plant over your own footing, the twenty-four year old who still ruffles your hair when he greets you, the soon-to-be business owner who dates certified models—has a trio of your attempts to be seductive; bottom lined with text you hope comes off likewise seductive.

Mortification swallows you. Your skin burns hotter and hotter by the second. Sure, you’ve embarrassed yourself before: you fall a lot, and you’re awkward conversationalist. But never something of this magnitude, not something that makes you seem so desperate and pathetic. 

You can imagine him opening the messages. He’d immediately assume, understandably, it’s a come-on; a girl trying to be a woman’s failed goal to enthrall a man like him, his best friend’s kid sister’s pitiful effort to be anything other than just that. As if you could ever measure up to the types of women he dates. 

And, yes, there’s been a time where you had a crush on him. But it’s not your fault when he looks like how he does, a rugged example of masculine sex appeal, and treating you the way he does, teasing but with a twist of kindness, and the fact that he’s the only non-blood related man allowed near you. 

But that time has passed. Even then, you knew the one-sided attraction was delusional to have. You were—still are—so sure about it that you never even dared to fantasize about him and the rumors that used to trek behind him about his sexual escapades. There’s no hidden desire to be with him, and that worsens it because it’s not like you’d feel any relief in knowing his reaction. You don’t care about his reaction in the first place!

Now, no matter how much you will insist it’s an accident, there will always be a dubiousness about it. With how close your families are, things are going to be tense. Because there’s no forgetting he’s viewed you like that, and there’s photo evidence of it. 

It hits you then. The extremity of your fuckup douses you in ice, and your muscles freeze because you register that since he knows about your family borderline patriarchal values concerning you, he has to tell them you’re taking nudes, and it will be over for you. 

It has taken you twenty years of your life to finally venture outside what your family has allowed, to sate your curiosity of what exactly your fathers and older siblings have kept so strictly from you: sex and all the goodness it entails. 

It has taken you an additional six months to explore in-depth and build the courage to start something tangible, to wander the depraved side of the internet where strangers did things to each other that made you want to do things with someone of your own: stirring foreign but oh-so amazing feelings in your nether regions. 

For twenty-six weeks you carefully treaded across in order to ensure your family had no clue what you’re doing, clearing your web history and using incognito mode, all your accounts anonymous, keeping your notifications on silent in case anyone becomes suspicious of who’s continuously contacting you. 

One hundred and eighty-two days later—in the middle of which you started your sex-based communication—of preparing to lose your virginity, your family will find out what you’ve been up to, and your life will be hell. 

Everything has been going so perfectly. You found a guy enough distance away he isn't affected by your family’s influence, middle-aged so he’s experience and doesn’t mind handling a virgin, and is willing to drive an hour to meet you at a specified hotel when the time comes.  

All that hard work down the drain. 

You toss your phone and jump to your feet. Panicked, your bare feet pad back and forth on your rug-covered wood floors. Your teeth gnaw at your thumbnail as different scenarios of how everything will transpire flit through your head. Each one is more terrible than the last, and your anxiety heightens. 

Somewhere in your disquietude, it occurs to you. Your brothers are downstairs and so is Bucky, but it’s ten o’clock at night, and that means they’re gaming. That particular activity coined a rule that all players have to stow their phones in the guest room. The specifics are blurry but it was something about Bucky interrupting the session due to excessive texts. 

It’s an opportunity. A chance that you can creep downstairs, swipe his phone and delete your mistake—hell, you’ll break his phone if you need to—before he’s any the wiser. 

“And—” Bucky Barnes drawls out the vowel as the rough-textured ball hurls through the air and swishes sharply into the hoop. “—nothin’ but net.” He relaxes from the perfected basketball follow-through stance, hands dropping to his sides, while he regards his old friend with a cocky smile. “Beat that, Rogers.” 

Steve snorts and catches the ball when it bounces onto the concrete. Palming it in one hand, he dribbles it twice and trades positions so instead of being stationed next to the hoop, he’s descended to the driveway curb where the established three-pointer line is. 

“You still got it, Barnes,” the blond admits, loosening his shoulders and spreading his footing to be a width apart. His right hand balances the ball from below, elbow tucked underneath, while the left splays against the side as his knees bend, and he springs up. With a practiced flick of his wrist, he releases the orange sphere at the top of his jump. It catapults in a flawless arc and drops through criss-crossed netting with a similar swish. His lips curve with satisfaction as he adds, “But, so do I.”

Bucky laughs and seizes the ball as it falls free. “Callum and Henry have no idea they’re going to get obliterated,” he says, coming to slap his palm in an affable embrace. “Fair warning, they’re still as sore losers as they were five years ago so be prepared for that.” 

Steve Rogers chuckles. The former fourth to their high school cliquè, he’s aware of just how bad sports they are. 

After graduation, he left out-of-state to pursue a degree in technological engineering, which he acquired last month in May, prompting his return back to New York. Between the four of them, Bucky and Steve are the level headed ones so he’s glad to have the support to handle the wild children his childhood best friends are. 

“Speaking of,” Steve starts, dirty blond eyebrows knitting as he glances around the neighborhood’s cul-de-sac. “Where are they? I thought Henry was supposed to be waking up Callum? If we aren’t starting yet, then can I get my phone back?” 

Bucky clicks his teeth. “Yeah. They’re probably stuffing their faces right now. Their sister went grocery shopping and got a cake so. . .” He waves his hand in gesture before continuing in vehement passion on the second point, “The whole phone thing is bullshit, though. I miss a few winning shots ‘cause I was busy with some pretty little thing texting me, and now there’s a ‘no technology rule’.” He scoffs and folds his arms. 

Now that he thinks about it, he could totally have his phone right now. And he’s more interested in having it than usual. There’s this girl he’s been seeing frequently at local parties—six feet tall with gorgeous brown skin, always done up in intricate eye makeup, silver tongued (he’s very interested in her tongue) when she speaks—and he’s finally gotten her number. She could be texting him, and he doesn’t even know it! 

“You know, yeah, we should get our phones back if those assholes want to take all day,” Bucky decides, agreeing with steps toward the closed storm door, but opened front door until he hears the inquiry:

“How is Y/N, anyway?” Steve’s voice is genuinely and harmlessly curious behind him, and he stops in his tracks because Bucky remembers the poorly hid crush he harbored for you. “I saw her instagram the other day, and she must be quite the heartbreaker.” 

Spinning around to face him, Bucky lifts a brow. “Huh?” Then he processes the implication that you’re out dating and such. The mere prospect has him surprising laughter. 

With their dad and his girlfriend on a tour of the world, the three of them are the only ones in the household. Given you’re the baby of your siblings, despite being an independent twenty-year-old, your older brothers have taken it upon themselves to ensure you focus solely on school work. Callum and Henry know exactly how to threaten their message across that you are not to be bothered, and anyone who tries will end up battered and bruised. 

He shakes his head. “Nah. She’s not with anyone, hasn’t been ever,” he tells him. “If you thought Callum and Henry were overprotective back then, you should see them now.” 

Gunmetal blue eyes blink surprised at him, and there’s a faint battle between delight and disappointment. “Really?” He shoves his hands in his sweats and falters somewhat. “It’s gotta be hard considering the way she has grown up,” he says but Bucky’s face scrunches in confusion. “You can’t tell me you don’t see how cute she is.” Before he can respond, Steve adds, “Obviously I wouldn’t ever see or be with her in that way—I wouldn’t betray Callum or Henry like that—but objectively, you can admit she’s gorgeous, right?” 

Bucky has to take a moment and genuinely consider it—consider you—because he hasn’t before. (Other than noticing the genetic similarities to Callum, who shares your eye and hair color but is a shade lighter than you, and Henry, who shares your complexion and eye color, but his hair is darker than yours.)

There’s no denying your looks are better than most: the structure of your face works beautifully, dazzling eyes framed by your lashes and occasionally accentuated by mascara, lips usually adorned in gloss or anything that keeps them hydrated which could be described as alluring, and your hair is almost always done, sometimes switched up in style. But there’s an inherent innocence there, a sweet and clumsy awkwardness, and maybe because he’s watched you grow up, four years your senior, but it just doesn’t do it for him. 

You’re his best friends’ baby sister, for God’s sake. He’d never at you like that in the first place. Especially not when he’s been aware, in the past, you harbored a schoolgirl crush on him. It was painfully obvious, to your chagrin, but he found it adorable—flattering but unsurprising considering girls flock to him like seagulls to boardwalk french fries. 

Currently, he’s sure you know he won’t ever pick you—under principle, under the lack of attraction. Other than pleasant smiles and occasional small talk mixed with teasing, you don’t gaze at him with starry eyes anymore, at least it’s waned significantly as you matured. 

Back to the question: “Uh, no, not really. Even if Callum and Henry didn’t care, I don’t think I’d be attracted to her,” he answers truthfully. Your purity doesn’t provoke his sexual attraction although it does invoke a duty of protectiveness. “She just isn’t my type.” 

Steve arches a brow, a surprised playfulness in his expression. “Oh? Then what is your type, then?” he asks, nudging him with his elbow. ‘Cause from what I remember you’re up for anyone and everyone.”

“That makes me sound like a whore,” he feigns offense but digresses into a fit of chuckles as he thinks back to all his various sex-capades and Steve flashes him a look that says aren’t you? “Yeah.” He nods with a prideful chortle. “But I’m into more frisky girls, y’know? Ones who’ve been everywhere and done everything. They’re brass and loud and just do whatever the fuck they want. I like to be one of those things.” 

Behind him, his best friend, Callum’s orotund voice rings out between the pressurized shh of the storm door, “Buck’s into slutty girls, Steve.”

He cringes at the diction. “Don’t call ‘em slutty. Sounds degrading when you guys say it like that.” Most of the time, he agrees with him—and his brother—but when it comes to women, there’s usually a dissent and a need for correction. “But yeah. I prefer girls with experience,” he declares strongly. “They don’t get attached like girls with... less experience do.”

Callum rolls his eyes, bounding down the porch stairs to the recently pressure-washed driveway, and he plucks the basketball out of his hands. “Here we go again. Bucky and his ‘I hate virgin’s’ campaign,” he mocks, shaking his head. “Doesn’t make any sense to me ‘cause everyone knows virgins are the tightest.”

This time, Bucky is the one to roll his eyes. “Well, that doesn’t make any sense considering tightness isn’t dependent upon whether it’s their first time ‘cause, y’know, vaginas stretch, you morons.” Sometimes he has no clue how Callum passed sex education (then he remembers that he bribed the health teacher). “Meaning a girl can have sex, then after a period of time, her virgin ‘tightness’ eventually returns. The only reason virgins may seem tighter is because they’re usually nervous.” 

The look on Callum’s face says that what he just said went right over his head. “Whatever.” He shrugs and starts dribbling the ball half-heartedly. “I just know the woman I end up with better be a virgin.” 

“Right!” Henry’s likewise orotund voice, a pitch higher, speaks after he pushes through the glass door. He presses to the court-slash-driveway, wiping icing off his mouth. “That’s marriage material. I’m not fucking around in a relationship with no woman that’s been fucked already, y’know?” 

Bucky’s eye twitches, jaw locking for a millisecond. “But you guys aren’t even virgins yourself,” he points out their hypocrisy. When they look at him to rebuttal, he automatically knows it’s going to run his blood pressure up and it’s not worth it. “You know, I’m gonna go to the bathroom. You guys have fun with your conversation.” 

Swiftly, he whirls around and heads for inside. The last thing he hears is Steve’s ambivalent, “I get the appeal of virgins. But you know, I don’t think it really matters. I think it just matters if you’re into them, and if they’re into you. I wouldn’t care either way but. . .” 

The air conditioned air greets him coldly, and he revels in it. The June sun is killer, though perfect weather for playing a game outside, and the chill dries the sweat beaded on his forehead. He pads down the foyer, turns the corner to the bathroom and enters to take a much needed leak. 

Bucky has so much brotherly love for your brothers: neighbors since being in diapers, his mother the female figure in their life, and becoming and remaining best friends for over twenty years. There’s only one thing that grates his nerves when it comes to them and that’s their view of women is somewhat skewed. Sometimes—most of the time—went the topic comes up, he’s always one second away from throttling them. 

Hopefully after he pisses, they’ll be talking about something else, and finally they all can play basketball. It. 

Flushing the toilet, he goes onto wash his hands. He lathers up in orange antibacterial soap and rinses the suds off with hot water. There isn’t a towel, at least not a clean one, so instead he just lets the remaining droplets drip onto the floor. 

Emerging from the bathroom, James pauses and absentmindedly wipes his hands dry on his mesh-polyester shorts. His attention automatically draws to the guest room’s closed door adjacent to his position. A decision strikes him, and he steps forward and casts a curious glance down the corner. 

When boisterous and distracted laughter filters through the front door and down the empty corridor, it springs him into action. He figures there’s no harm in checking his phone while he’s here. He’d been especially resistant to giving it away because he’s engaged in a particularly stimulating conversation with a particularly titillating woman—popular in her own right, he can’t afford to miss his shot with her. 

His fingers turn the knob, and he shoulders through. The furniture is decorated and accented in yellow and white, condition otherwise pristine, save for the phones littered across the king-sized poster bed’s fluffy duvet. He strides across gleaming light oak floors and hones in on the only golden-colored, rubbed encased titanium. 

As he grips it, long digits curling around the back, pinkie supporting the bottom, thumb tapping the screen to life, he can hear the dwindling of high-spirited jesting through the en-suite’s rectangular horizontal slider window; a wondering of where he’s gone has him speeding up. 

Although he’d been gone for under an hour, his screen is bright with various notifications, social media accounts and text messages. He ignores the former and searches for the latter, specifically the contact, Val 😛💦. Scrolling quickly, he comes to a stop but not because of his original intent. 

His head cocks, and he knits his brows when he sees your name instead; formally nicknamed, bambi, due to your penchant for clumsiness and general fragility. You don’t text him—except for that one time you needed to be picked up from the library—and considering you know he’s just outside, his baffled curiosity is further spurred. 

With a sideways swipe of his thumb, your thread enlarges on the high-definition display. He isn’t sure what he expected, but this? Oh, this, definitely is not it. His eyes widen as the content loads, and reveals you, in all your half-naked glory. 

“Shit,” he breathes out raggedly, blinking multiple times because he has to be seeing things. But, nope, it’s still you—looking like that, wearing that. “Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.” 

Your brothers are beginning to call his name, demanding his attendance, and he froze in shock, unable to tear his stare away from the girl who’s tripped over her own feet more times than he can count; the wallflower who spends all her time studying in her room; the forbidden fruit who’s innocent has always stirred a vigilant feeling inside him—now stirring something hard between his thighs because there you are. 

Like always, your hair is done prettily, wispy-lashed eyes big and inviting, a saucy pout to your glossed lips. Your flawless complexion seems to glow in the reflection of the mirror, and he doesn’t know if it’s because of the warm lighting, or if it’s the confidence you exude in your faux-innocent expression from where something so sinfully sexy. 

Three photos, and every single one is like a punch in the gut; displaying your usually hoodie-hidden figure in its bare, exquisite form. The skimpy white two-piece caresses your breasts in a lace halter top, leaving a teasing amount of cleavage. Your navel exposed, he becomes aware of how soft your skin would be. Moving lower, your untouched flower is wrapped in a thin thong with a bow on the center of the waistband. 

A million things flit through his head; a million disgusting things he never thought he’d think about you. 

The main one is every sort of attraction these snapshots arouse. A laser slices down his center and sears him to the core. The multiple poses calls every hungry part of him to attention, the curve of your breasts, the contours of your hips and the jut of your ass. And he shoves to the darkest recess in his mind because that’s just an innate reaction to lingerie. (Right? Right.)

He combats your images with that of Val: knows-what-she’s-doing and equally promiscuous as him Val. The anthropology major who downs beers within seconds and tongue kisses the first person she sees afterwards. 

The next is the one he focuses on, that you would take these and send them to him—as if he’d betray your brothers like that. Second-hand embarrassment strikes him because he knows if you’ll send something as risky as this, he’ll have to formally reject you and break your unreciprocated pining heart. 

He grimaces at the thought. This is why he doesn’t do virgins and the less experienced in general. The inherent strings are a killer, and he resents the drama; and it’d be ten times worse with you because of the added complications of your siblings. 

In fact, he hears something beyond him, coming down the hallway, and it’s probably them, but he can’t stop rereading your text accompanying the photos, partially imagining how it’d sound in your delicate voice: 

bambi (4:21PM): is this as pretty as you imagined? did i do good? just tell me what you want, and ill do it. i want you. soon, please - and yes, ill beg. i promise itll sound even better in person. 

[read it in its entirety on my patreon - one time fee of $5 to access!]

[dgcatanisiri]

This is too long for me to be comfortable to put out without a cut, but dear god, did I need to rant and ramble on this subject...

I always feel awkward when I want to complain about how video games portray and fandom reacts to queer men, because I feel like the conversation (at least here on Tumblr) gets focused on the female protagonists - you know, the Commander Shepard or Alexios/Kassandra debates and that sort. The things where there’s valid comments to make about how important these female protagonists are, especially in an industry that is deeply misogynistic, and, in the case of the Assassin’s Creed protagonists, keep being developed with an eye towards the female-only protagonists, only to have a male protagonist shoved alongside them, if not upstaging entirely (such as Jacob being the center of Syndicate’s marketing, or how Bayek was originally going to die and Aya be the central protagonist of Origins, or the creation of Alexios and probably male Eivor on the basis of “women protagonists don’t sell.”)...

BUT, when I want to talk about my perspective as a gay man, as wanting to play these games for that empowerment, get to enjoy these games for representing me as a gay man, because Shepard, Ryder, Alexios, etc. get to be played as such, that having these male characters who are able to be played as attracted to other men means something to me, and that leads me to not just play the male characters, but prefer them to the female characters, or even to talk about the subject of homophobia in both the games themselves and the fandoms surrounding them... I do feel like there’s this pressure to just effectively shut up and stay quiet and let the women have their empowerment, that the moment needs to be theirs, not mine, that “fandom” (meaning the monolithic entity that is ‘the fandom’ and not necessarily any singular individual who I’m referring to or anything) is pressuring for anyone who enjoys the male protagonists for whatever reason to be silent and let the women enjoy their win, even if there’s a win for underrepresented men in there as well, or even a need to address the problems of homophobia by not representing queer men. That in its way, it’s effectively saying that a win against the sexism against the industry is outweighing or more important than any win against the homophobia. (Or, since I brought up Shepard, racism, considering that Shepard, Ryder, any game with the character creator, can be different skin tones as well, but that’s outside my lane.)

Like, this isn’t a callout post or any kind of directed screed against anyone, just... I suppose it’s a cumulative effect, based on the fact that I remember what the internet in the corners I frequent was like when Odyssey dropped, focused very much (and understandably - let me be clear that I have no desire to step on anyone’s victory or enjoyment of these games here) on Kassandra, and it felt like the fact that I got to play a character I could portray as gay (don’t start me on the bloody DLC though...) was a victory celebration at a table set for one, while (to really stretch my metaphor) seeing this massive party happening across the dining room at the same time, and that (and again, I’m really straining my metaphor, I’m aware), if I wanted to join that party, they would not combine our celebrations, I would have to join in theirs, and, in my wanting to pay attention to my victory, getting laughed at for it. It’s one of those things that makes fandom feel a little alienating, because I don’t particularly have much of a place that feels like it’s a space for me to celebrate my victories, rare as they are, and on occasion, even end up with the impression that, so far as fandom at large cares, that victory I want to celebrate is somehow less important. That the importance of Alexios, playable as a gay man, meant less than Kassandra, period. And, with Valhalla and Cyberpunk’s release on the horizon, along with (maaaaaaybe?) a Mass Effect Trilogy remaster, I find myself bracing myself for this to start up all over again.

And I know some of this is based in the fact that Tumblr and the transformative elements of fandom in general are more of a space that is dominated by women in fandom, who are going to celebrate the wins for them. That’s just how things shake out, I understand that it’s as much the place I’m going for involvement and interaction with fandom at large as it is anything else. Just... I obviously don’t fit in to the areas of “straight male” fandom, and then getting to the places in the “marginalized” segments of the fandom, it still feels like I need to find my way over to the margins of the margins to feel like I have a place in fandom more generally.

Like, I understand that I have male privilege and that is a factor in things - the male characters are probably more likely to be the ones in the marketing, so I get to see that idealized image of myself individually all over the covers and posters and trailers. BUT that doesn’t remove the straight privilege of the people who are shutting down conversations about the importance of the male PCs being portrayed in M/M relationships, even starts going into the realm of casual homophobia - because no acknowledgement of how important it is for the portrayal of gay men, or bi men, IS homophobic. I mean, how often do these companies have their official accounts post images of the M/M pairings? I’ve seen BioWare account retweet FemShep/Garrus and FemShep/Kaidan things, on top of the MaleShep/Female LI pairings. I’ve even seen FemShep/Liara content, which... We could go into the way that F/F pairings get fetishized and tend to be there as either fodder for cishet male titillation or just because the female PC gets swapped in for the male PC (in the way of Peebee riding a non-existent dick in the FemRyder romance scene in Mass Effect Andromeda), I don’t mean to discount that being a thing, so queer women are getting a short stick too. But where’s the M/M relationships? Hell, remember the whole #MakeJaalBi thing? After we got that notice about the patch for his romance would come... Has any official Mass Effect account actually SHOWN content of BroRyder and Jaal?

I mean, remember the Citadel DLC? The appearances of Kaidan’s romance material included FemShep, and Cortez’s content included a split second shot of just him and Shepard holding hands, and since it was blink and you’ll miss it, that means that it doesn’t even make any effort to portray the M/M relationships. And since I brought up Jaal already, BioWare had to be publicly shamed into offering M/M relationships in equal amounts to the other pairings in Mass Effect Andromeda. Like, it’s bad that Peebee’s romance for FemRyder just had the model swapped in for BroRyder, sure. But at least that content was THERE, at release. For gay/bi men who wanted to romance male characters, we have to make sure that we get that patch downloaded (meaning if you play the game without an internet connection, you can’t get access to his romance) - and only because the outrage actually GOT a response, which is not necessarily the norm in this industry.

Hell, the disparity there actually GOT noticed - if you include Scout Harding as a romance, M/M romances are the lowest numerical romances in Dragon Age Inquisition as well, with only Dorian and Bull as options. And I didn’t even realize this until this past year, despite being disappointed in those two options. Even recognizing that Harding is more of a fling than a full romance, it’s still more than M/M romances had. The closest we got was being able to flirt with Cullen twice before he shuts it down (and the rants I’ve had on THAT subject...). 

And that’s just the focus with BioWare - I saw it all through the initial release of Odyssey, while I know that the official metrics are all saying that Alexios saw more play than Kassandra, Kassandra got a lot of positive response in the fandom that was often framed in opposition to Alexios, that she was the “better” protagonist. 

Like, I’m bolding this for emphasis, and so if anyone is TL;DRing this it’s eye-catching enough: My issue is the dismissal and denigration of the male PCs when building up the female PCs. It is not being against celebrating the female PCs. It’s just the way that people will, in their positivity towards a female PC, dismiss the audience who relates to and connects with the male PC. The way that I’ve seen since day one the common “joke” that male Shepard is unnecessary, condemning the voice acting, even asking why he’s there when female Shepard is “the real Shepard”.

It makes fandom a hostile place to be when you’re looking to that character as your representation, your inspiration. Yeah, it’s a joke, but when it is coming from all corners, or at least feels like it, all the time, the humor dies, and you’re left with just the words. The words telling you that this mirror for yourself is something that people don’t care about.

Again, it’s that feeling of already being on the margins and then being pushed further. You are the freak among the freaks. 

But it feels like saying any of this, like I have, is opening the door to be dismissed as being sexist, or misogynistic, or lesbophobic, or anything like that, because people want to boil down what I’m saying to no more than “but what about MEN? Why aren’t you talking about MEN?” in that dismissive way that so many MRA trolls attempt to derail the conversation - except, no, I am TRYING to have a genuine conversation, about men who aren’t represented, men who need these male characters as much as women need the female ones - queer men get the short stick in a lot of cases, like this goes back to the representational matters in a lot of kids TV shows - while we can absolutely talk about the bad representation it was broadly, I remember when Voltron concluded, having Shiro, having arguably the lead male character of the show, end the show marrying and kissing another man... That was heavily ignored by Tumblr. Meanwhile Tumblr EXPLODED for Korra and Asami or Bubblegum and Marceline. 

It’s seeing what is representation for me as a queer man being played down or ignored while the queer women are praised. And, again, I’m not trying to take anything away from queer women, or women in general, but... Where, exactly, am I supposed to look for that same empowerment? And, more importantly, when the same media offers the empowerment for both groups, like video games do, why does it seem almost expected that I as a queer man back off and allow this to just be for the women in general, when the whole point of a variable protagonist is that it allows that empowerment for EVERYONE?

I mean, I say it feels like “opening the door” to these comments because it has happened before, and likely will again. Because saying “this joke feels hostile to me, as a member of an underrepresented group, can we please not?” or speaking about my individual experiences and feelings - often even just in my own space, on my blog, frequently only tagged with my individual tags for organization in my space, rather than publicly shouting it through a megaphone by putting it in public tags, and somehow STILL getting attacked for these comments - is apparently all those things... That’s been the response I’ve gotten to saying things like this in the past. 

And, in case I haven’t been clear with the repeated comments and the bolded statement above, it’s not about me, a man, trying to take away this thing for women. Rather, it’s me, a queer person - and fine, yes, a queer man - who wants to celebrate being seen, wants to celebrate what is still not a common thing of seeing myself in my media, and then feeling like I’m being shoved out of the way because other people celebrating their representation is considered more important, to hell with me and my mirrors.

Like, I’m not saying any of this is anything actively conscious or even intentionally malicious. It does seem like a reflexive defensive position - “men have tried to take this from us, so we’re not letting ANY man through.” I don’t want to come across as flippant or not aware of the fact that this isn’t a walk in the park for women. I get it, I really do. I’m just... It does feel like my struggles are something that I’m being told to downplay in the name of allowing others to have their celebration.

Thing is, my own experiences as a queer person already leave me feeling like I’m getting that as well - I mentioned before (and have elsewhere) that Dragon Age Inquisition’s M/M romances didn’t work for me. But I have often felt like I need to downplay the fact that I don’t emotionally connect to Dorian as a character - in the immediate aftermath of the game’s release, you could not say ANYTHING negative about him without getting shouted down as either a homophobe or dealing with internalized homophobia. Meanwhile, I’m here, pointing out that, hey, the previous games did not really have any direct homophobia, and the little bits that did lean in that direction felt more like the writers living in a homophobic society and not able to wholly divorce that in their writing than anything in-universe. To me, Thedas was a place where being gay was a difference that made no difference. And then Inquisition tore away that escape from homophobia so bluntly.

So, Dorian doesn’t empower me, you ask, so what about Bull? Yeah, I identify with “queer man” because while I’m a man romantically attracted to other men, I’m also asexual - just regular vanilla sex is in the fringes of my comfort zone. Bondage is an outright catapult out of there. At mach three. So I’m left uncomfortable by both of my “options” in Inquisition. And the response I have always braced myself for when I bring this up, when I do add my voice to the conversation about the M/M options, is “well, they can’t please everyone, and this was good for some people, so you should be content with that.” Being told I can’t have everything, so feeling uncomfortable at best is just something I have to live with, because hey, THOSE OTHER PEOPLE got satisfied, and so you should just be happy for them.

It’s that pained metaphor I offered earlier - the victory celebration isn’t for me, I’m on the outside looking in EVEN STILL. I am the freak among freaks. 

Where is my place to belong, in all of this? Because it’s honestly hard to find, when all the spaces deemed “for me” still feel like an exclusionary party?

[sapphic-sex-ed]

I’m questioning my sexuality, as I’ve only ever had crushes on guys but I only watch lesbian porn and feel really uncomfortable watching heterosexual porn—is it possible to only like girls sexually and not romantically and still be bi?

There is this thing called the split attraction model most commonly associated with the ace/aro labels. It basically says that romantic and sexual attraction needn’t be the same, like ace lesbians or aro bisexual people. Applying this model outside of the ace/aro spectrums is somewhat controversila though.

So here is my reasoning on the split attraction model (gonna call it SAM in this text bc ease, and just SA for split attraction) and it’s application outside of the ace/aro context.

Firstly I believe it’s ridiculus to assume that SA can only happen for ace or arospec people. There are almost 8 billion people in the world alive right now and modern humans have existed for 200 0000+ years (and that’s not counting ealier humans like homo habillis and homo erectrus, just homo sapiens sapiens, and then we lived simoultaniously with homo sapiens neanderthalis and yeah that’s a hell of a lot of huamns), so it’s boud to happen.  The controversity, however, seem to stem from the trend of people who are not ace who previously IDd with SA coming out as simply gay or lesbian. So for example a woman who used to ID as bisexual and heteroromantic could have said “oh yeah women are hot as hell and I am totally sexually dtf but I could only ever imagine spending my life with a man” and then later realize she was a lesbian all along and her percieved split attraction was in reality due to comp het/coercive het.  That is actually not an uncommon occurance which is why some people then claim that split attraction can only exist in ace and aro people and for others it’s just internalized homophobia, and is why I tend to believe we should tread this area carefully.

Now I do not agree SA is ace and aro exclusive because we simply cannot prove that claim. In science (which in case people need a refreshier, is the systematic search for knowledge) it is much easier to prove thins exist that that they do not exsist; for example, we can say that there most likely aren’t any unicorns in the world, because we have never seen one, but we cannot claim that they don’t exsist because they could just be somewhere we haven’t found yet. But it would be easy to prove they exsist - all we’d have to do is find a unicorn. 

So we cannot say that SA never happens outside of ace and aro people. What we can say however is that it’s far more common than not to see people who are not aro or ace who used to ID with SAM realize that they do not actually have SA at all, and that they we’re just holding onto heteronormativity. 

This is why I think that yes, you might actually be experiencing SA, but it’s far more likely you have internalized homophobia. Beacuse of that I would advice you to look through this resource and also reflect over why you feel the way you feel. 

Who are the guys you’ve been crushing on? Are they famous? A friend’s brother or boyfriend? A teacher? A person you might actually have a chance with?

What is it with lesbian pon that makes you enjoy it? What is is with straight porn that makes you not?

Have you ever had a female friend who you shared a bond with that felt special in a way that other frienships with either binary gender has not?

Things like these require lots of introspection and analysis and it most likely won’t be solved overnight, but it’s good work that needs to be done. And after all of this, if you feel like no, I actually don’t have internalized homophobia, my attraction really is split, then that’s valid too.

-mod liz

[flamewyrmz]

a late night rant from twitter im putting in one place, because its a trainwreck of several threads there. mostly copy/paste and still not proofread, but a collection of thoughts on gender, sexuality, personal identity, and love and support within the lgbtq community. i do really lay myself bare here so id like to ask that if you disagree or have criticism you do so respectfully and with that in mind, thank you <3 and if this means something to you itd mean the world to me if you shared it

dunno if ive said this here before but like. if you think you might be bi/pan but youre on the fence cos maybe youve never had a crush on a nonfictional guy or get more crushes on guys than on girls and you find yourself tied up in knots like "well im gay but im also attracted to nonbinary people unless theyre mostly woman-aligned but i dont wanna say im bi/pan because then people will think i like girls and like i like them theoretically but--" let go. just say fuck it! im bi/pan! 

try it out and if it doesnt feel right it doesnt feel right and thats fine and in the end no matter what youll have learned a little about yourself. this is actually my advice on any gender/sexuality dilemmas you might be having. go wild. try it out. see how it feels. dont feel like you have to confine yourself to something just because youve stuck with it for some amount of time. 

if youre questioning dive right into the deep end! no matter how it goes youll be a better swimmer in the end. its all not quite rigid and a little fluid anyways (for some more than others obv) so if youre unsure, man... go for it. its ok to backpedal

--

this is important advice to me because ive struggled with it multiple times in the past and this has only recently clicked and i really wish it had sooner. first it was with being... not straight in general. like i was actively dating someone of the same gender and i never considered that that meant, uh, im not straight. always "do you like boys or girl?" "uhhhhhhhhh. uh. UH" 

then with being in the range of aro/ace spect. then with being nonbinary! then with being nb but primarily male. and then goddammit im just a boy. accepting that God I Love Men And Only Men (and with it that i *wasnt* aro or ace in ANY capacity) and then, very recently (like up until a couple months ago. like im p sure this year. not 2017), going back on that and admitting i was bi. it is so so freeing to just say "fuck it" and test those waters!

hell, you find something you resonate with but looks a little silly? go for it! use those bun/buns/bunself pronouns. go with stargender! ace-flux demibiromantic? hell yeah rock that shit! it can always change and you can always decide its not right and go back! h4y dudes

--

all of that especially goes for teens who dont know what the fuck theyre doing. im only 20 yea and barely 20 at that but man i wish id heard this sooner

and please dont take that as me saying "well if youre a lesbian sexuality is fluid and maybe youre actually bi"! hell no. if youre a lesbian and you KNOW youre and lesbian and couldnt ever be anything else then rock on you funky little lesbian! but if you id as a lesbian but are teetering on something like "well im attracted to some fictional and theoretical men but not any real ones and maybe its just compulsory heterosexuality but im not sure and--" dont be afraid to try a different label. its all what feels right to you and theres absolutely no harm

--

people bash on like. """mogai genders""" and nounself pronouns and the split attraction model and all that and like. yeah! those things can hurt people! personally i struggled with the split attraction bit combined with how broadly people define the ace spectrum. it can be used to hurt. and it is used to hurt. sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its not. but the hurt is there. but its not inherently good or bad. 

and yeah, some of it sounds silly. hell, it sounds silly to me sometimes! but to some people hearing that label makes everything click into place, even if just for a little bit, and i take that very seriously. it is one of the best feelings in the world and i want as many lgbtq people (of any age) to experience it. 

for some people it feels right to zoom waaaaaaay in and section it into lots of little bits and for others its "fuck it! i dont know shit! im just queer!" and those are both equally valid (that words been thru 12 garbage disposals but i cant think of a better one) maybe you go back n forth and thats fine too! as long as youre open to it changing or being wrong it cant hurt and, like i said, its one of the best possible feelings to have it click like that

--

as an aside: being bi can *totally* mean "im attracted to men and nonbinary people are long are they arent primarily woman-aligned" or it can mean "im attracted to everyone fuck it" personally? i use bi over pan because i feel like it better encapsulates that i *do* have preferences (i say this all the time but God I Love Men) but ultimately gender doesnt really matter to me cos everyones cute and hot and generally attractive and im not leaving anyone out because im just a little more inclined to kissing boys. but thats me!

--

as Another aside: i do still to some degree identify with uhh this is gonna sound contradictory but agender boy? or more like boy agender? boygender with left none? i just dont personally feel like its worth taking the time to explain over n over. but it used to be, for me, n i dont regret that a single bit! i wouldnt regret that even if i *didnt* still feel that way in any capacity. honestly? 

i dont regret any of the ways ive identified in the past even though feeling stuck and cornered into some got a little harmful to me (and if youve gone through somethin similar and DO regret it and wish youd never heard whatever term you used thats good too. im very strongly advocating for "use whatever labels you want and if it dont fit it dont fit" here but if they did hurt you and youre still hurting about it i understand 100% just dont use it to pull others down. if it concerns you say your piece and let them decide)

--

this is personally a little hard to admit so bear with me here 

honestly? ANY sort of strong identity didnt start developing in me until i was.... 14 or so? and very slowly at that. like gender evened out around 18 and sexuality just a few months ago LMAO. but up until i was a teenager i didnt really feel much of anything re: gender or attraction (and the attraction thing is pretty normal for kids and even teens tbqh!) 

and i just.... didnt really think about it! i had This Name and apparently was a girl and i didnt really get what it was like to BE a girl but thats what people said and i didnt know there were other options so i went with it! the name didnt bother me either (except for when people made jokes about a Certain Historical Figure with the same one. just thinking about that i get tired) 

and when it came time to actually grapple with the whole concept of being *into* people i just kinda... slunk away! no joke until like 10th grade if someone started a rumor that i was dating x or y had a crush on me i would start to avoid them entirely. lost a friend in 4th grade that way but then in hs hed turned into a TOTAL DICK so no loss there. i think part of that was also people making the assumption that i was straight though? big shrug! 

i didnt even realize attraction was a thing i had until i got asked out and just kind of "oh wow??? that sounds so nice??? i feel the same??? yes??" and thats WHY i went thru varying aro/ace labels. cos it unfolded slowly (which again is totally normal if youre a teenager, so dont worry about it if youre going thru that. roll with the punches. and if youre a teen and youve got it figured out? thats totally normal too!) 

and the gender thing was similar once i learned that it was an actual possibility (especially being nb, and ESPECIALLY especially being agender) i slowly just... poked at it until i figured something out (fun fact: what set me off to finally go "fuck it im not a girl at all" was being stuck in an awful hair salon chair while my mom got a haircut that took FOREVERRRRRRRRR and i was having godawful period cramps. like i knew not being a girl wouldnt DO anything about them but i made that decision then n there n didnt look back!) 

and then i kept pokin at it and watching it like the seed id planted finally started to sprout and i realized i didnt actually know what kind of seed it WAS. i guess ive always been very nebulous in those aspects and its just now forming into something solid. like i said, its a little hard to admit and i... dont think ive actually talked about this in this depth before to, like, anyone? 

because the "oh ive always known" narrative is the only one you ever see in popular media and sometimes even from the community itself! and theres nothing wrong with having always known! but theres also nothing wrong with being like me! but i still feel a little anxious talking about it like it somehow means im a sham. 

hell, id even go so far as to say i WAS a girl as a kid! i WAS varying shades of agender and nonbinary and ???? as a teen, and i AM, like, 95% a guy right now! maybe in a few years ill be something else. none of those things contradict each other. things like that can change! its not set in stone (but like i said: for some people it is! or, like, set in slime that you left out for 5 years so now its pretty much a rock but if you really try it still squishes into something else?? none of these things invalidate the others! were all unique). 

i wouldnt say that at any point ive been cis or straight, cos even when i just went with being a girl and stuff it was always a little ??? but, yknow. even if i HAD been those things at some point it wouldnt matter to me? things just are the way they are and were the way they were

--

im making myself really vulnerable here and my thought process is a mess and i ramble and repeat myself and my memory and attention span is like 2 seconds and i dont proofread but. its important i think. i dont have a lot of followers and fewer still thatre active but... that really doesnt matter. 

maybe someone will retweet at least one of these messy, messy threads. maybe link it to a friend. maybe screenshot it and post it on tumblr [note: LMAO YEAH AND ITS YOU DUMBASS], or to keep for themself. if any of my words help anyone out even a little then it matters and honestly? then its the most important thing in the whole danged world. if even one person sees any of the things ive said tonight and it means *anything* to them, even if just "oh, im not alone in this" then ive succeeded here. 

i dont want any of us to ever feel trapped or alone because shit! lifes too fuckin short for that! its goddamn hard being anything but cisgender and straight! sometimes it sucks! like really sucks! there have been so many times ive broken down completely over being trans and felt like, for myself, its the most awful thing in the world. its why prides so important. its why community is so important. 

because even when the pressure of the world brings you down so low you think youll never escape theres something or someone there to take your hand and pull you back up, put you on your feet, and say "i know its hard. and itll get hard again. but i believe in you, and youre strong enough for this, and im here with you through every step". that goes for anyone but especially goes for us. and im not just talking about lgbtq youth here. all of us. which is *why* im laying myself completely bare here. 

most of this stuff? ive either never talked about or only vaguely mentioned. but im putting it out there. because there was a point where i needed it but didnt have it, and even if its just one person, i want to give someone this advice so at least they dont have to deal with the same stuff i did. and if youre reading this? i love you. im here for you. im my dms are always open and if for some reason they arent its almost definitely an accident and if you say something ill reopen them. 

and if youre someone who hates me? maybe even mutually? if it came down to it id let you come to me at your lowest moment, no questions asked, no judgement held, and at the end of it still be the same kind of enemies we were before and never speak again. there are some exceptions of course but honestly ill forgive a lot for someone who needs that kind of support. and if youre one of the people this applies to, i know youll probably never take me up on it. i dont expect you to. i dont expect you to even for a second be comfortable with that idea. thats fine. but if for some reason you ever need it, its there. 

i can count on one hand the ex friends that i wouldnt give that to and thats ONLY because theyve legitimately hurt me and left lasting damage (and for some of them? its mutual. and im sorry for that, regardless of how i feel about your treatment of me im truly sorry for my actions. that probably sounds fake and anyway i digress) 

and if youre a complete stranger? someone who follows me but has never interacted with anything ive posted? a mutual i havent spoken to yet? im here. and im bumbling, and awkward, and not the best at comfort but you can always come to me if you need someone. im only one man and im under a lot of stress but i swear ill do the best i can, even if its only reading and replying 3 days later and even then just listening and offer whatever gentle comfort or reassurance youll accept. 

because thats important to me. thats the impact i want to leave on this world. i dont ever want anyone to feel as small, as scared, as worthless, as alone as i have. im no fighter. im not going to lead any revolutions and hell im too anxious to even go to protests but im here for support. im here to help and heal. and thats important too

--

and if you listened to that? thank you. if you just skimmed? thank you for that too. if you shared it with someone? thank you (so much). and if you dont? thank you anyways, just for the time

just know this: i love you. i dont care who you are, if youre reading this i love you and im behind you 100%. im here if you need it. stay strong, do something that makes you smile if only for a moment. take that leap of faith. dont restrict yourself for even a second

i meant to go to bed at least two hours ago so goodnight <3 be safe, drink some water, if you have any kind of pet give it some love. take care of yourself. youre the most important person in your own world and never forget that, even if you dont think you are. even if theres something or someone you treasure above everything else. dont diminish your own worth! you are alive, and you are here, and theres nothing more important than that, really. the things you love matter more than anything else. hold them close

[topsydead]

shit lets be discourse

I peeked at ace/mogai discourse, and it was a mistake. I don’t understand these people at all. They hate the split-attraction model so much, like, I didn’t even know it had a name? it’s just so normal to me? (That’s the concept of having both a sexual orientation and a romantic orientation.) And then they turn around and use the split-attraction model to claim that “aces are cishet” which fucking rustles my goddamn jimmies, like, they are calling me, a trans ace person, cishet. They don’t know they’re doing that, of course. They probably think all trans people may politely excuse themselves. But ace people are who I am. When you say “ace people are ___” I am listening, and you are talking to me. You call me cishet, and I am filled with porcupine quills. I did not come this far to be called cishet. Here’s the logic, btw-- “Ace people can be heteroromantic, and aro people can be heterosexual, so therefore aroaces are het.” When called out, I’m sure they say “well I don’t mean all, of course” but that will not stop them from using it to the point of “ace people aren’t LGBT, period” Listen to me now. If you reject SAM, then no ace person is ever het. If you accept SAM, then aces and aros are, between them, all types of sexual and romantic orientation, including bi, het, pan, lesbian, gay, and everything. Saying “ace people aren’t LGBT” or even better, “ace people are cishet” is ALWAYS WRONG if you reject SAM, and NOT NECESSARILY TRUE, AND THEREFORE WRONG WHEN TAKEN IN ABSOLUTE TERMS if you accept SAM.

Did I mention that rejection of SAM is rejection of aromantic allosexuals and I hate it?

Anyway point is, if you try to kick all ace and aro people out of LGBT space-- or try to shit on them-- as a group and on principle, you’re being gross and incorrect and you need to rethink your life.

And wow. Never thought I‘d live to see the truscum vs. tucute behavior come back as the LGBT vs MOGAI discourse, that’s a fucking Halloween miracle for me personally. MOGAI is literally just a different acronym, there isn’t different people in different acronyms, we aren’t split into camps, we don’t have exclusive members, and we’re all exactly cringe as the other. All the behavior you think you hate about MOGAI is the behavior cishets get on all of everyone queer for. You think being NB is new? You think aces are a new thing? You think furries are new? You think sapiosexuality is a new concept? Sorry to bust your bubble but the mystical entity known as “MOGAI” didn’t make these things exist, or even start the terminology, not by a fucking long shot. All you’re doing is pushing queer people into camps and making them strawman eachother until we all fall apart. And, YES, everyone is to fucking blame. I’ve seen this shit behavior from lesbians, NBs, aces, trans people, and all sorts of types and combinations. And everyone’s calling eachother mogai and exclusionists and TERF and cishet and all sorts of things, I’m not even fucking sure who’s participating anymore. All I know is it’s hell and I hate it. Yeah, we can talk about the problematic nature of some stuff, like I’m still not on board with sapio cause it seems ableist but I’m willing to listen...? And some queer people think that pedos and drag queens and furries and cishet women are included in MOGAI and hate the idea of being lumped together, and some people think that intersex people shouldn’t (or don’t want to) be included in any of these things, but fuck, who am I to decide, right? But that doesn’t make MOGAI some sort of magical enemy, it doesn’t make aroace rejection any less reprehensible, and it doesn’t make LGBT the best or most valid term in the world. And last, I fucking love wlw, but why the hell are y’all always at the forefront of this bullshit? What is happening??? It makes it feel like an extension of TERF bullshit, even though plenty of wlw aren’t terfs and are great people... I just don’t get why this keeps happening. And don’t give me any lines like “lesbians are tired of dealing with men’s bullshit” because we are so far beyond that with this. That’s some hard, surface-level reductionist shit and meanwhile we’re out here swimming in the void. Unless that IS the general concept. In which case, I’ll gladly take a trip to the moon and punch Aphrodite in the fucking face. Let me be clear: lesbians (coordinately and as a group) literally attacked me, personally during a critical time in my life, and hurt people close to me that I care about. I’ve also met super chill lesbians who are great and helped me and my network a lot. What I’m saying is that being a lesbian doesn’t make you the goddess of the queers or the arbiter of labels or the holy gatekeeper of what is and isn’t oppression. It gives you no fucking rights at all except the same ones all humans get just for being human. It makes me sad that every time I see a queer person is shitting on other queers on this hellsite, it’s a wlw. If someone can give me an honest explanation I would love it. And if you happen to actually be a terf. Well. Fuck right off and never come back. I’m super done and never coming back to this discourse.

[thehollowkidvg]

So making sure I have it right, polyerosous is a word to be used like saying someone is for example, pansexual. They are not necessarily polyamorous, or in the example, panromantic. Is that correct? I know poly is more of a preference/choice than an orientation but using comparisons helps me understand things.

Yeah, I think you got the idea right! They are parallels that are a part of a split attraction model! I’m happy to educate! 

Like you said Polyerosists experience plural sexual attraction or partake in plural sexual relationships & Polyamorists experience plural romantic attraction or partake plural romantic relationships. While Pansexuals are sexually attracted to all genders & Panromantics are romantically attracted to all genders. 

I know you mean no harm when you said “poly is more of a preference/choice than a orientation” but I think you are wrong and misinformed on that and I have to spill the tea on that common misconception. I don’t blame you, because I feel like culture has been internalizing this unhealthy polyphobic, homophobic, transphobic mindset in everyone for ages, that it’s so integral in arguments against Polyamory, and other LGBTQ+ identities. Polyamory/Polyerosy, like with everything else in this world it is a form of both. You are born how you are, you become more aware about yourself in the moment as your life goes on. You have control over who you will live as, but you never change your innate self. 

For example, I could choose to live life as my assigned gender. It is a possible thing that I could do. But it would be hell, I wouldn’t be comfortable. And what I can’t choose is choosing to be my assigned gender. I just can’t. I cannot help being an agenderfluid boy. It’s like yeah I can’t choose to be how I feel but I can choose what to call it. Like how I called myself a binary man when I had this feeling of neutrality and fluidity for so many years I lost count, and when I discovered agenderfluidity and put thought into it, it was my choice to call myself agenderfluid instead of continuing to call myself a binary man whose expression was randomly masculine, feminine, androgynous and or lack their off depending on the day – because either would have been true, depend on which I was more comfortable with. You are born and grow into who you are, everyday and every moment, you have agency, you can choose to be comfortable, and genuine.

The whole argument about whether polyamory/polygamy/polyerosy is a orientation or a preference is complete and utter nonsense. It just a unnecessary game of semantics. It’s the exact same straw man argument bigots use to invalidate someone’s gender or sexuality, ‘Whether you were born that way or if it was choice’, is completely 100% invalid, they are pivoting away from their responsibilities of defending their disgusting bigotry and trying to control the argument, do not let them control the argument. do not let them control you.

People’s experience may line up where it looks like a choice and only a choice, which bigots use to try validate their oppressive abusive actions, but no, people aren’t always completely aware of their orientation throughout their entire life, and their identity may appear to change and appear to be a choice, but it’s not a choice that can be easily, willingly and comfortably changed, it’s them realizing who they are innately in that moment. People can use language to define themselves, whether it is defined by them as being a choice or an orientation since birth, but without a doubt, it being labelled as a both is healthier so people don’t try to tear someone down due to it appearing to be a choice out of bigotry or not accept it as being a natural innate part of yourself. If we were in a world where it was a choice and only a choice. HOW WOULD THAT INVALIDATE SOMEONE’S IDENTITY? It doesn’t invalid them one bit, it’s the bigots using this toxic garbage counterproductive argument to oppress them, and abuse them. The bigots are attempting to sever a connection that is there in life. Bigots want to use that flimsy, straw man argument to “win the debate” or drive it to a stand still. Don’t let them. Don’t let unhealthy outside influences manipulate you into being a victim of someone’s abuse and oppression. Don’t let them control you into being uncomfortable with your attraction, your loved ones, your gender, your body. Anything and everything about yourself, when it isn’t harming you or anyone else. You only control yourself, you have full agency to believe in yourself. Polyamorous and non-monogamous people are a valid part of LGBTQ+ community. Polyamory, like the rest of the LGBTQ+ community deserves better, they deserve validation and support. You deserve the best for yourself.