Male Announcer: Recorded live from Liberty City at the home of the six drink minimum. The famous Split Sides comedy club presents all the way from London, Europe, Mr. Ricky Gervais!
Gervais: Hi. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Been thinking a lot about war... recently. A lot of it about... a lot of bad stuff in the world. Someone's always at war. And I was thinking, "What's my favorite war?" Vietnam? Best soundtrack. Definitely. Second World War? Best ending. What a finale. You know it's over when... You can't follow that. That's the end. People are worried about that though, because... the atomic bomb. It ended a war, which is good. But the effects are still being felt, which is bad. And it was invented by Einstein. And he's a genius. In his, uh... 1907 paper, Einstein said... that light could be described as discreet bundles of energies. That when irradiated, a dof- what sort of cunt thinks like that... really? S'knowhatImean? That's what turned Stephen Hawking mental... too much thinking. I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure. "The universe is expanding." Yeah, o' course it is, Stephen. Take a day off! Go for a walk, or s- not a walk, but.... Open a window. Watch a bit o' TV. Robot Wars is on. You like that, don't ya? People go, "Ah well you can't ever cut Steven Hawking. He's a genius." He's not a genius. He's pretentious. Born in England, and talks with an American accent. Cambodia. That was a good one. Pol Pot. He killed 100,000 people. And that was his threat. He rounded up 100,000 people... and he killed 'em. Because... they were what he called "intellectuals." And do you know how he told whether they're intellectual or not? It was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take 'em off when they see 'em coming! Know what I mean? Oh yeah, well Kierkegaard, oi here's comes Pol Pot. Alright? Yea. Not too bad, yea. Yea! Good. Yea! Aw, thank you Mr. Pot. Yea. No, I-I'm thick, as you can see. I'm-I'm thi - him, over there. Look. Go and kill him. Falklands War. That's probably my favorite. People say that was a conflict. It was a war. And it's my favorite, 'cause it was a range war. And what that means... is that...the Argentinean guns could fire 9 km... Whereas the British guns could fire 17 km.... So we just parked our boats about 10 km away, and theirs were falling into the water. While... we were shelling the shit out of them. It's the war equivalent of holding a midget at arm's length. Like that. And he's flailing... just missin'. And you'll just steadily kick him in the bollocks. Ow. Smack. Ow. Smack. People go, "Ooh, you must never go at midgets." Why not? What are they gonna do? You must never go at fundamentalist terrorists. They're the scary ones. Midgets? Do what you want. Thanks very much! Good night!
