The Annual Batfamily Easter Egg Battle Royale Begins
Please enjoy this chaos that's been sitting in my drafts for about four years now. Feel free to add on! If you do, please @ me so I see it 😊
"Alright. So. The current records are: 167, most eggs found in a single hunt, Cass. 2,753, most eggs found total, Dick, which I still say is unfair. The abandoned nest of a bird a quarter mile into the back woods to the southwest, most ridiculous hiding spot, me. And last but not least, most stolen eggs, 912, Jason."
Tim glared at his older brother, who grinned evilly.
"You didn't have to give me your eggs, technically."
"I move," Tim said through gritted teeth, "to abolish blackmail from the list of approved theft methods."
"There's a list of approved theft methods?" Duke whispered.
"Hell, yeah."
"The runner ups!" Steph cried, physically jumping in the middle of the burgeoning chaos. "124, most eggs in a single hunt, Barbara, since Cass's other high scores can't count. 2,171, most eggs total, Jason. I will give you as many of my eggs as necessary this year to help you topple Dick's score."
"Hey!"
"That's my girl!"
Steph and Jason fist-bumped.
"Second most ridiculous hiding spot goes to Cass again, with behind the loose brick in the garden wall on the west property line. And second most stolen eggs is won by Damian, with 483. Please be aware that death threats with or without weaponry are officially off the list of approved theft methods."
"Tt."
Cullen raised a hand. "What about Nerf weaponry? Or paintball guns?"
Everyone looked at Dick, who pursed his lips and looked up at the ceiling, considering.
"Paintball guns, no, Nerf weapons I'll allow on probation," he decided. He glared specifically at Damian, Jason, and Harper. "Use them responsibly."
"Tt. Of course."
"Sure thing, Dickie."
"Yeah, absolutely."
Dick pinched the bridge of his nose and muttered in Romani, "I am making a mistake."
"You think?"
"Moving on," Barbara interrupted. "As always, Bruce and Alfred have color-coded the eggs in equal amounts, because neither of them understand the concept of siblings or competition. The colors are thus: Dick, blue; me, light green; Jason, red; Tim, orange; Cass, pink; Steph, purple; Damian, dark green, and there's a picture, so don't you dare pretend to be 'confused;' Duke, yellow; Harper, mismatched blue and purple; Cullen, mismatched orange and light green. There are thirty for each of us, theoretically."
"We changed up the rules just a little," Dick continued. "Instead of two points for stolen and one for rightful, we now switched it to two points for rightful and one for stolen–"
This was met by a loud round of boos, so he quickly and loudly added, "At Alfred’s request!" to make them subside.
"As always, the grand prize is bragging rights, which are taken away if you decide to be an asshole about it."
Dick sent a stink-eye towards Jason, who folded his arms across his chest and defended, "I was twelve."
"Uh huh. Anyway, any minute now, B is going to come in here and set us loose, and we have until dinner at 6pm sharp to find all three hundred eggs, return, and clean up. You may work in teams or individually, and no betrayals. We're going to go about this like civilized people, am I right?"
There were a few quiet agreements. Dick cleared his throat and repeated, "Am I right?"
"Yes," came the chorus.
"Alright. Good luck. And remember, any undiscovered eggs go to Bruce. Last year, that total numbered fifty-four. Are we going to let it happen again?"
"No!" came a far more enthusiastic chorus.
"Eggs-cellent."
"I have not yet killed a man with a Nerf gun, Grayson," Jason said, "but I swear to God, today, I will try."
"I am requesting a partner," Duke said, raising one hand. "I want to trust somebody."
"I got you, bro," Tim said, stepping closer to Duke while eyeing Damian, Jason, and Steph. "I've been targeted too many times."
"On second thought."
"Nooo!" Tim wailed, dropping to his knees and throwing his arms around Duke's legs. "I beg of you, my brother, do not abandon me to my fate! Mercy! Pity!"
"Oh, come on," Jason scoffed.
"We're not that mean," Steph agreed.
"There, there," Duke chuckled, patting Tim's head. "I was just teasing. I'll protect you."
"Thank God."
Meanwhile, Harper turned to Cullen and warned him, "You, specifically, are going down."
"Not if you go down first."
"If I go down," Babs said, "I can and will take all of you with me."
There was a knock on the door. The kids all turned to each other, half gleeful, half looking terrified more than anything. Bruce Wayne entered, Alfred at his side. They both eyed the children suspiciously.
"We're all set," Bruce said, gaze lingering on Jason, Steph, and Damian, who were now the pictures of innocence. "You know what to do. Remember that no eggs are hidden in the cave or the bedrooms. If any of you come back bleeding, you are all grounded until next Easter. Understood?"
Tim raised his hand. "What if we were innocent victims in vicious attacks?"
"You're my children," Bruce said flatly. "None of you are innocent."
Tim pouted.
"You may begin."