"So, what do you say?" Bargain-Bin Captain America says as he finishes his pitch. "Want to serve your country and save the world?"
"Nah, I'm good," Stat replies, bouncing a ball against the wall of her cell. "I don't do government shit and also that patch of mold in the corner of my cell is finally starting to grow back properly after the warden bleached it a few months back and I wanna see if it can eat through the concrete before my sentence is up."
"I'll... give you some time to think," G-Man Supreme says, after a pause. "See you tomorrow?"
"Whatever," Stat says, not looking. "Not like I'm going anywhere." She glances over at Agent Do-Gooder. "Hey, if you're gonna come back, can you at least bring me a Mountain Dew or something?"
"Sure." It's not the answer she's expecting, and it's almost enough to break her solid layer of disinterest. "Any particular kind? I hear the Baja Blast flavor is pretty good."
Stat snorts. "Whichever one looks the most radioactive," she says. "Or whichever one is cheapest. It doesn't really matter."
"Roger that," he says with a mini salute. "Have a good night, Stat."
"Yeah, whatever," she says, bouncing the ball with extra force and planning to sleep in extra late out of spite. After all, she knows full well that Agent Kiss-Ass won't be back.
--
"Stat, you have a visitor." The girl in question falls off of her bunk with a startled yelp as the warden bangs on the bars of her cell.
"Mnghffu?" she mumbles, which roughly translates to "what the fuck?", from her position face-down on the floor.
"Hi," Dorito-Shaped GI Joe says, entirely too chipper for whatever fucking hour of the morning it is. He holds up a bright green bottle, looking rather proud of himself. "I brought you Mountain Dew."
Stat swipes out to grab the bottle, unscrews the cap, and takes a swig, moaning with pleasure as the buzz of radioactive caffeine smacks her square in the face.
"I'll leave you two alone," the warden says, disturbed. "Let me know when you wanna be let out."
"So," Tall, Blonde, and Official says after the warden leaves and Stat finishes chugging the bottle of Mountain Dew, "have you considered my offer?"
"You mean the one where I sell my soul to the government and also you in exchange for freedom and an unlimited supply of Mountain Dew?" Stat asks.
"That- well, not-"
"Because the mold kinda died off when it got frozen last night so there's not exactly anything... keeping me here, at this point, so..." Stat shrugs. "Sure, why not?"
"Yes!" the human yellow lab of an agent standing outside her cell cheers. "I'll get the papers drawn up and we can head back to HQ. Deb and Twink have been dying to meet you."
"Yay, humans..." Stat grumbles as the cell door slides open. She's led through the prison corridors, out to where they're holding her shit, through a changing room where she pulls back on the jeans and hoodie she was arrested in, into a room where she spends what feels like seven hours signing papers, and finally out to the front door, where a nondescript Subaru and Super Secret Spy Man are waiting for her.
"You ready to go?" he asks, opening the door for her to slide into the passenger seat.
"Sure," she says with a shrug as she sits down, setting her small laptop bag at her feet and trying to convince herself that she's not going to regret this decision.
("By the way," Steve says once they're already in the car and Stat can't back out, "there's no unlimited supply of Mountain Dew."
Stat slumps forward onto the dashboard with a groan and pulls her hood over her head.)
