#stoot

[stokesy55]

Love it when people get hooked on Stoot and they come to me like “how did this happen?”

I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them 🤗

It’s not my fault they’re perfect and so easy to love 🥰

[hazlehoff]

helo 🫵I is heres to discoos ideas with yous. You Have No Choice But To Entertain my Crack idea that my Extremely Sleep Deprived Brain Thought Of. because you Larve me :D

i don't remember where i saw it, but didn't you say something about ben stokes giving phil salt a right lecture about dating and aussie? and yeah, they wouldn't have had much chance to know each other - but ☝️jos buttler and ben are very close! and jos has opened with salty for england, so they also would have some kind of bond formed, right? (besides, jos seems so sweet. he looks like he'd defend all his teammates.)

anyway, crack idea - ben drags salty off for a stern lecture on dating timmy, how it goes against the Principles of the Ashes, a brit dating and aussie is scandalous, basically blasphemy (we dial the drama up to 21) while salty is sitting there with his eyebrows raised like an insolent child. and Somewhere, mr Arrogant Tall Thing aka pat cummins is giving tim the same fucking lecture, fuelled by rage (while tim is trying not to laugh straight in his face.)

it's jos who finds ben and salty like, and is all "ben, is this strictly necessary," and ben is like "Yes." and salty is rolling his eyes even harder while jos tries to convince ben It's Not That Big Of A Deal. eventually, he gives up and is like "well, if you have a problem with david and salty, you're.... definitely gonna have a problem with who i'm dating too." "who?" ben demands.

"uh. well. .....shubman?

"....gill?"

jos huffs. "just how many shubmans do you know?"

ben opens his mouth. closes it again.

"well, fuck," salty whispers, borderline gleeful. "nice pull, mate."

jos turns to glare at him, slowly. "I'm trying to defend you and your fucking kangaroo, and you're mouthing off about another man? my boyfriend?"

meanwhile, guess who bursts in to defend timmy from cummins's wrath? your darling reggie. their conversation goes pretty much about the same. trust patrick to get increasingly pettier about it. he's escalated to threatening to disown tim (somehow) until josh throws up his hands and is like. "you know, cummo, i didn't want to tell you like this, but you're making this impossible. you have a problem with tim dating a brit? well, you're not gonna like who i'm dating."

tim's mouth drops open. "mate. you're actually gonna do it?"

"better not be another bloody pom," pat mutters.

josh's lips twitch. "much worse."

"who, josh?"

josh winces. "well. virat kohli?"

silence.

"you actually bloody did it," tim mumbles, a disbelieving laugh puffing from his lips.

pat blinks at josh, terrifyingly still. apex-predator still. "virat kohli."

"yes."

"you're dating virat kohli."

josh sighs, done. "i know you heard me the first time, cummo."

okay bye 👋have Fun 🦍🍑

hello jiiiiiii! what a familiar face i have in my inbox wah wah

sleep deprived or not i love all the ideas you put out ji i veel entertain them all for you at your beck and call always (kisne kahan i larve you hawwww false allegations)

yes yes i did say that about the lecturing bit in this post's comments here (it was actually @fortuna-majoris's idea and i only pointed out how maybe stokesy and phil salt aren't toooo close afaik)

and you're right!! jos and salty are the first pair of opening batsmen to score 1000 runs together in T20Is! they are definitely close to say the least (or at least i hope so, heh)

according to the original hc we had stokes making a PowerPoint Presentation on "Reasons Why Dating an Aussie Is Blasphemy" - I reckon Patty on the other side would be doing the same to Timmy HAHAHAHA - i can imagine salty just calling stokes an old fashioned man and asking him to "keep up with the times! we're all global citizens!"

i can imagine jos going "well... shubman" SO CLEARLY in his sweet soft gentle voice too 😭 (also i love this let's have everyone be dating everybody) except stokesy and patto themselves who are "married to their work™️" - they will also become eventually canon duh!!!! but anyway coming back to this - POSSESSIVE JOS YES YES YESSS GIVE ME MORE GIVE ME MOREEEEEEEE SEEING HIM MORE FIERCE AND PROTECTIVE LITERALLY WOULD REWIRE MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY

(salty, if td finds out about that comment, he's gonna spank you as punishment so shhhhh)

on the other hand, for pat, maybe he feels this frustrated because he already knows he's lost mitch starc to joe root, maybe? like maybe they're not together yet but pat knows starcy has a huge crush on joe root and he's already been through the whole convincing with him but starc is not yielding, so he's hoping that at least tim, who's still his junior, would be easier to influence and educate. and pat would say that he'd ask bison to drop tim off the t20 side if he doesn't break up with salty effective immediately 100% out of pettiness

MY DARLING REGGIE <3 the implication that tim knows about them but didn't tell anyone? they've kept it private for how long now omg tell meeeee did hoffrat start dating 2022? 23? 25? because that'll be really interesting - i like to think at least for timphil they probably started dating end of the 2025 season - they spent the entirety of that year thinking the other person only sees them as a best friend and nothing else until the night of the finals celebration where they got too drunk and kept provoking each other like "we're best friends... but i really wanna kiss you on the lips... haha... unless" and then they did it and hoff saw them of course but he didn't comment on it because he had his own secret to hide 😭 (it was phil salt who saw them the next morning - timphil had passed out in the party room and in the wee hours of the morning, maybe at about 5 am when half the world was still asleep, joshy had to leave for england for the wtc finals immediately that day, and virat was seeing him off. salty was reeling from a massive hangover and was walking from the party room back to his hotel room to get some meds, when he saw virat tiptoeing and hoff bending down to kiss each other. on the lips. much like him and tim did last night. but he wasn't sure if he was hallucinating, an aftereffect of all the alcohol, so he took a picture of the two figures on his phone, and decided to revisit it later when he felt better. naturally he investigated it together with tim to get a second pair of eyes check, and both of them could make out that they were hoffrat, clear as day. tim proceeded to send joshy tons of poorly made edits of him and virat to his WhatsApp while reggie was still on flight, and when hoff lands, he knows they were caught. josh leaves a sinister "i saw everything you and tim did last night" as the only reply, and since then they got into an unspoken agreement of covering for one another)

PHEW NOW ANYWAY COMING BACK TO THE PRESENT, yes pat would be so dumbfounded because how on earth did he miss it?! of course hoff was dating virat! the signs were all there!!! josh trying his best to fly back to rcb year after year for the full tournament even if he was ruled out because of injuries, hoff not needing a hotel room in london anymore with the rest of the team because he suddenly had "family" there in an airbnb, the way hoff never tried to get under kohli's skin - god, how has pat lost his 2 best friends to the people who frustrate him the most?!

pat would give up once and for all because if there's one thing he knows about virat, it's that he wears his heart on his sleeve. and if there's one thing he knows about josh, it's that he keeps his business, including his emotions, extremely private. and as polarising as they sound, if josh felt confident enough to tell him this, and if virat was able to keep it under wraps for this long, it meant they were serious about each other and were willing to change things about themselves and meet one another in the middle. so, he would just defeatedly mutter under his breath "at least it's not another bloody pom" (josh would hear him anyway and then go gloat about it to starcy - well now that the cat is out of the bag he might as well tell people about him and virat - but mitch would just say "mate, anybody who saw the ipl in 2025 could smell you two being in a relationship from a mile away. pat is just daft sometimes." and josh would swat his stomach and say "not as daft as rooty who cannot feel the way you undress him through your heart eyes each time you see him on field")

okay idk why i built so much on this this was so random i hate you very muchs jis look what youve done to mes

oKAY BYEEEE I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN TOO JI <3

[dreamsofnightmares2035]

genuinely cannot believe i am writing poetry for english cricket boys when six months ago i was not harbouring any nice feelings for them whatsoever, but because of @avachan08 here we are

a decade across the scoreboard, one for the books: ben stokes and joe root

[abstru]

“burn everything and dance”

[stokesy55]

I SPY A BEN WITH HIS JOEY 🥰

I also spy that someone has stolen his hair… Still annoyed about this

[stokesy55]

Guys.

A crazy thing has happened.

That’s MY sign shared with a picture of Joey and Ben 🤯

THE QUEEN OF STOOT WAS SHARED WITH STOOT 🤣🥹🥳🤩

Best day just got better.

[stokesy55]

My personal fave, @hazlehoff 🥰

Bonus:

Even when he bats 🥰

[dreamsofnightmares2035]

why am i 7.7k words into this dAMN STOOT FIC AND IM STILL NOWHERE NEAR DONE