#stop @me

[pastureghost]

if i order another coffee this week instead of making it at home u are all cordially invited to my house to hit me repeatedly with tiny hammers

[galaxyblake]

Standing next to window makes me feel colder somehow, I know it’s in my head, but my veins can’t help but freeze over as I look down at the scorched Earth, the place I used to call home.

Home.

106 days ago Clarke reminded me what home really was, or more precisely who.

Octavia, Clarke, Murphy, Raven, Monty, Harper, Miller and me.

We started it all, we started from nothing, started with nothing and now we’re all we have left.

Only 8 of us now.

My heart stings.

Seven, there are seven of us now.

A drop of sweat trickles down my brow and I wipe it away. My forehead, like the rest of my body, feels cold. Cold sweat. I sigh, running my fingers through my hair.

106 days.

She’s been gone for 106 days.

I had never given much thought to losing her until it was too late. I didn’t think that it was possible because it was her, it was us. She was always a constant in the ever changing life on Earth, the one person I could count on to be there, to trust me, to care and I was the same for her.

When she talked about dying I brushed it off, I couldn’t think about it because I couldn’t comprehend it. How many times have we evaded death before?

Maybe I couldnt believe it, or maybe I just couldn’t bring myself to do so, but regardless of what I wanted now, she was gone.

The thought of her brings me back to the rocket, back to closing the door and locking her out forever. I remember watching as the doors slowly sealed, I remember searching for any sign of her, I remember hoping and praying that she would show up right until the countdown reached one.

What she was doing when I left her? Was she running into the lab? Was she banging on the doors as we took off after? Was she dead somewhere in the forest?

I reach out and put my hand on the window.

The day we got up here was the day I promised to keep her alive. She wasn’t here to remind me to use my head, she wasn’t here to talk me down, she wasn’t here to smile and laugh and so I would have to do it for her.

I can her voice when I make decisions and however comforting it may be, it still feels like reopening and old wound because it reminds me that that’s what we used to do.

We were a team and we kept our people alive, mistakes be damned, we were in it for the long haul. Together.

I close my eyes and her face swims into view through the blackness and I know that thinking of her like this, like a memory, won’t make missing her any easier but for now, it’s all I have.

It’s all any of us has.

I hated myself for what I had to do but I now know that if I didn’t close that door I would’ve hated myself more. We would all be dead and her final sacrifice would’ve been for nothing and sacrificed her life, I sacrificed my heart because leaving her behind felt like leaving a piece of myself behind too.

Closing the door was like severing the line that tethered me to her and I can feel the part of me still there among the ashes, lost.

My eyes burn.

“I’m sorry.” My voice feels hollow and I take a shaky breath.

My words after the city of light break through, shattering the image of her, relentless in reminding me that when it finally counted, I couldn’t keep her alive.

“I could use a break from keeping you alive”

I open my eyes and look at my reflection in the glass.

This isn’t what I meant.

[vigoruos]

when you’re doing something productive and the madd urge comes out of nowhere :)

[constelatum]

Someone: *is rude to me* Me: *overwhelmed with exhaustion, doesn't talk to anyone* Someone: *is mildly nice to me* Me: *overwhelmed with happiness, still doesn't talk to anyone*

[supremecatin]

i have a huge crush on me friend but she has a bf pls bury me and dont talk to me or my son ever again

[hvman-natvre]

I said wanna write today

I haven’t

[fashionicon-rihanna]

me: *thinking* be modest just cause you’re doing something nice doesn’t mean you gotta brag about it

friend: hey you wanna do something tomo-

me: no sorry I gotta help out someone because they’re in need and I’m such a nice person that I can’t say no