Motherhood.
I found out I was pregnant March 5th 2016. it changed my life forever. From that day on I swore I was going to be the absolute best person I could possibly be. I worked 100 hours a week, barely slept, took care of everything and 9 long months later there he was. Except I was going through a divorce and my husband wasn’t allowed at the hospital and I endured an emergency C section completely alone. At 6 pounds and 14 oz i had never laid eyes on anything so precious in my entire life, I never knew something so beautiful could exist in such a ugly world. After swallowing my pride, signing my divorce dismissal papers and violating the no contact order me and my husband reconciled two months after my son was born. He is now 6 almost 7 months old and I learn something new every single day by spending time with his tiny human who relies 100% on me to take care of him. I’ve been with him every single day since he’s been born I’ve watched his little feet, face and hands get bigger and ive watched his smile over and over again and can never seem to stop falling in love with it. But there are parts about motherhood that nobody warns you about before you become a mother and I've been struggling with that for almost 3 months now. I guess because he’s in that in between stage where he just can’t be entertained all the time and he whines and cries and doesn't have any reason why and i lose my patience and feel helpless then I feel guilty for being upset and impatient with him because its not his fault but when you do everything possible to try to make him content it doesn’t work you get so aggravated, and when you’re alone with a baby 9 hours out of the day with nobody to help you or hand him off to or anyone that can just let you step outside and take a breather its aggravating. Sometimes I break down and cry and feel like a complete failure and that I wasn't built for this. Sometimes I think maybe he deserves a better mom than me, one that’s more patient and understanding and a mom that doesn’t feel like after three days of having him non stop that she needs a break the way that I do. I just keep telling myself that after he becomes more independent and he starts to crawl and walk, babble and entertain himself that we will have a closer better bond and I won’t get so aggravated because it’ll be as if I get to hangout with my mini best friend all day long and take him places and teach him things, I feel like a horrible mother for wanting to fast forward the time about two months because I thought I would LOVE the baby stage and I secretly despise it on the bad days and I shouldn’t. My diagnoses don’t make anything easier, being a mother struggling with manic depressive bipolar disorder with severe anxiety and newly diagnosed with adhd makes It a constant battle and sometimes I feel like i’m completely alone and i’m a horrible mother for feeling this way. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. I just want someone to tell me I wont feel this way forever but Im terrified of feeling like this for the rest of my life.