How To Tolerate Talking To People You Dont Like
1. Pretend things such as:
● You will be gifted 100 hedgehogs if youre nice to them
● Theres a 3 strike system, if you insult them 3 or more times you never get to do weed and/or eat a bagel again
● Their pockets are filled to the brim with miniature things you care about, (your pet, family, significant other, spiders, opium, batman, etc.) so if you pummel them, such things will be crushed
2. Confuse them! for example:
● Take off your shirt in the middle of the conversation, even better if you can come up with a reason, reasons include but are not limited to
▪︎ You dont believe in nipples
● Use an australian accident, if they ask about it, look concerned and ask if theyre okay
● Break your wrist, tell them it happens all the time and no youre not going to the hospital (cause youre not a pussy)
● If you have time and access, hire a bunch of clowns beforehand to come over, pick them up, run around for a bit, and drop them in a bucket of mayo. bonus points if:
▪︎ The clowns call them rude names
▪︎ The clowns tell them this is what they deserve for 'what happened to Becky'
3. Make yourself HAVE to be nice
● Pretend their plumber just died
● Pretend the tag on their shirt is rubbing against their neck(i do not wish such things upon anyone)
● Kick them in the shin(see, now you have to apologize or youre 'violent' and 'crazy')
4. imagine their misfortune, or causing their misfortune, so you dont have to fake your smile
● The easter bunny is real and they are its prey
● They made spaghetti before they realized they have no butter or salt or sauce or cheese or anything else you can put on spaghetti and they dont want to waste it so they eat the plain spaghetti
● Their favorite show getting cancelled
● You bullied them as a child and theyll carry the insecurities with them forever
● Slap them and blame it on a mosquito
● Slip laxatives into their food
● Carry around bagpipes, dont learn to play them, whenever youre alone together—or any other time of convenience—try to play never gonna give you up by rick astley from memory
● Skin an apple and leave the skin on their pillow (if you dont know where they live, there are ways to find out)
● Put one bee in their car
