if oscar wins the championship lando will kiss him on live tv and theyâll make sweet love before the cooldown room cameras even cut
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if oscar wins the championship lando will kiss him on live tv and theyâll make sweet love before the cooldown room cameras even cut
Chapters: 15/18 Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Marvel Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers Characters: Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes, Sharon Carter (Marvel), Natasha Romanov (Marvel) Additional Tags: Post-Movie: Captain America: The First Avenger (2011), Canon Divergence - Post-Movie: Captain America: The First Avenger (2011), Post-Movie: The Avengers (2012), Canon Divergence - Post-Movie: The Avengers (2012), Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Made Up Science, Bucky Barnes Doesn't Remember Steve Rogers, A bit Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Angst, POV Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers trying to find his place in this new world, But he just wants his Bucky, Moral Dilemmas, Steveâs questionable decisions
Summary:
Steve Rogers was found in the ice. Now he's navigating the 21st century, being back in Brooklyn, being part of the Avengers, trying to find his place in this strange new world. Then one day, in his local bodega, everything gets a whole lot stranger.
-----
âIs that everything?â
The voice hits his ears. Steveâs eyes snap up in shock. And then the world stops turning.
Bucky. Bucky is there. Bucky is there, in front of him, on the other side of the counter, looking at him. Buckyâhis best friend, who fell from that train, who died right in front of himâis standing there, looking at him.
Chapter 15
Chapter text in entirety (âcause itâs short âș)
Three weeks. Itâs been three weeks since it all went wrong.
Steve canât really fathom it. It feels like a lifetime. More than one.
He only knows it isnât because Natasha keeps him informed. She knows everything now. Almost everything at least. She doesnât know he fell in love. ThatâŠthatâs the one thing he holds onto. Keeps for himself, wrapped around his heart, choking him, killing him, keeping him alive. But she took the files to Bucky. Sheâs been his liaison with SHIELD, helping him to understand everything, getting him to see a therapist, helping him accept it all. So Steve knows heâs okay. Not good, not after having such a bomb dropped on him, but as well as can be expected. Thatâs what Natasha tells him.
Steve is glad for that at least. Thatâs all that matters. Heâs not doing well, but thatâs what he deserves. Thatâs how it should be. Staring at his walls, remembering when they used to have colour, when Bucky was here, and how suddenly they turned to grey again. How everything did.
He feels just as frozen as he was in the ice. It feels like he lost a part of himself and now he canât function right. The idea of that only makes him hurt more, thinking about Bucky when he lost his arm, and the pain and fear he must have felt, being there all alone. Praying for Steve to find him. The horror of it when someone else did. How he must have felt Steve had abandoned him. So Steve deserves to feel like this. Buckyâs felt worse. And it was all his fault. Just like it is now.
And the thing is, Steve has come to realise just how much he deserves this pain. Itâs like he couldnât see before, lost in a haze of happiness, but now everything is sharp and clear. Being with Bucky, lying to himâŠit was wrong. It was so wrong of him and yet, he couldnât see that. He just wanted him so much that he let everything else fade away. All reason, all logic, lost to what he wanted.
He knows now though that thatâs the real reason he held back, kept things from developing further physically between them. It wasnât because he was scared or didnât know what he wanted. When heâs truthful with himself, he realises that he wanted everything with Bucky. Wanted to feel his body against his own, feel his soft skin, touch him and kiss him and be with him. The last decent part of himself stopped him though. Because it would have been a lie, a betrayal. It would have been taking advantage, even more than he already had, in a way that disgusts him now he thinks about it.
But he does think about it. He thinks about Bucky kissing him, thinks about holding his hand, holding him close. The affection in his eyes. The way he looked at Steve like no one else does. He canât believe he had that, for one shining brief moment, and now itâs all gone. He misses it so much.
But more than the affection, he just misses Bucky. He misses him so much that it makes him feel physically sick, which he didnât think was even possible with the serum. Part of him is gone. He wakes every day to nothingness. He feels like a living corpse most days.
He stares at the few pictures he has of them over and over again. Feels like heâs choking on the loss when he does. He wills his phone to ring, but it never does. He starts and stops a million messages, never sends them, hovers over the call button and then lets the screen go dark. He writes a letter and then tears it up. Because he canât try to fix this. Bucky doesnât want him to. He hasnât reached out and Steve has to respect that. Itâs the one thing he can do, to do right by Bucky for once. This is his reality now.
He goes to work, but only because itâs better than staying in his apartment that now holds so few memories of Bucky and yet far too many at the same time to be able to stand being there.
His team know what happened. He doesnât know how much Natasha told them, but he said she could, but that he didnât want to talk about it. He couldnât pull on the fake smile in front of them. Not this time.
They look at him with pity sometimes, but they donât ask him. They stay focused on whatever job they have to do. Steve finds himself wishing for more supervillains to show up, because the only time he can almost get out of his head is when heâs fighting.
He throws himself into confrontations with no limits, letting go with his full strength, because he can and because it hurts. Sometimes he feels bones crack and itâs excruciating until his body heals, but he doesnât let on to anyone. He can fight through it. He finds he likes the pain because for a brief moment, just a split second, it takes over everything. It doesnât last long enough to help. Everything changes back to grey, cold fog that he canât breathe through.
Sharon finds him at lunch one day, poking at his food. His appetite is way down and heâs learning it is possible for him to lose weight, which is semi-interesting to learn, even if it doesnât matter to him if he shrinks down to nothingness.
He realises he hasnât seen Sharon in a while. Sheâs probably furious with him. He didnât listen to her, he didnât figure things out. He just stumbled along and ended up hurting Bucky, just like she thought he would. Still, she slides into the chair opposite him, putting her lunch tray down, as he glances over, probably realising he wouldnât ask her to join him if he had a choice.
Instead of the anger he expects, she gives him a small, sad smile though. He thinks heâd prefer the anger. But then she picks up her fork and gestures for him to do the same, an odd offer of kindness, and Steve canât bring himself to throw that back in her face, so he lifts his fork as well. They eat in silence.
âI miss him too,â she states, twenty minutes later.
Steve just looks over at her. He almost wants to yell at her, to tell her she has no idea what missing him is, but he feels ashamed for thinking that straight away. Because he can see in her eyes that she cares. Not in the same way he does, but that doesnât matter. Itâs just as valid, he realises.
âHeâs pretty mad at me,â she explains, and Steve supposes everything came out then. Bucky knows about Sharon.
âIâm sorry,â he manages, because he never even thought of that. It didnât occur to him to mention it when he told Bucky the truth. He told him everything he thought mattered. But now he realises, Sharon did matter. The thought of it needles at him, that he made Bucky lose a friend.
âIâm sorry,â she says back to him, eyes understanding, and then she reaches out and lightly touches his hand where itâs on the table, resting hers on top for just a moment.
Steve swallows and clenches his jaw, trying to keep it together. ItâŠitâs nice to have someone who understands, at least the tiniest bit. He doesnât deserve the attempt at comfort, but he finds heâs grateful for it all the same.
He looks down at his plate and nods.
****
Three more weeks and the plant Natasha got him is dead. Yet another one of his casualties. Steve throws it in the trash.
â„â„â„
Posterâs note:
Take heart! @deadto27â dearly loves Stucky, and once theyâre at their nadir, our intrepid and beloved author will deliver them into sunlight and happiness! Donât believe me? Check out @deadto27ââs works in AO3! Theyâre ALL keepers! â„â„â„ @smlmsworldâ
what the hell just happened?
Another newsletter for you. This one is much more casual, a very easy read, and uses, um, Adult language.
Ugly Sweaters with MacKenzie Entwistle and Jake McCabe
I discovered this great channel with a variety of games and games how-like videos. Some are like thisâgay dating game!
Subscribe! - Another clothing haul video (sexy edition)
Pairing: Johnny x Reader (fem)
Genre: AU, romance, comedy, fluff
Word count: 3182
Summary: A YouTube inspired drabble series where you and your boyfriend upload videos catering to the couple tag.
Authorâs Note: Felt a bit nostalgic. This one practically wrote itself. I apologize in advance for all the cheese - D
For other members, see masterlist.
The video opened with your boyfriend grinning into the lens as he held the camera high in the air, making good use of the wide angle to reveal the space of your living room with you standing not too far away in the distance.Â
âWhaddup Johfam--Oh, shit, wait,â Johnny stopped himself mid-sentence to laugh at himself when he realized he made a mistake in his introduction. âThis isnât my channel.â
âGimmie that,â you said as you rushed to his side to swipe the camera from him, which was way out of your reach. âI knew you were going to try and take over my channel one day.â