So, I got a bunch of responses on my posts last week about the ADHD/Anxiety diagnosis and I appreciated all the support and advice. As an update, I’m waiting on the official writeup, which I hope to have by end of May, and at the start of June I have an appointment with a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD and medication management. In the meantime I’m googling occasionally but otherwise just kind of sitting with the information and figuring out what I think.
In any case, one of the strongest responses I got, especially in private, was thanks for being so visible not just with the diagnosis but with my thoughts and feelings about it. Which doesn’t seem like a particularly hard thing for me to do; I know reactions vary, but I enjoy public dialogue about this kind of thing. So while I can’t reply to all of even most of the comments, and some I chose not to reply to because they were seemingly quite personal, I thought I would post up a few that seemed relevant.
If you have stuff to say feel free to comment or reblog; if you send an ask bear in mind that A) anon asks might not get replies and B) non-anon asks may get only private ones, since I’m trying to control the dialogue a little, to keep it a safe space for people to engage.
Also the tag for all this stuff is “Sam has ADHD” if you need to block it. I have 25,000 readers, I promise I will not notice nor will I be hurt if you have the tag blacklisted. :D
sumeriasmith
Anxiety and ADHD are conditions frequently comorbid, so it's not surprising to me that a test for the one evaluates the other. That said, if it's not too rude to mention, the _degree_ to which a surprise diagnosis for anxiety feels like a personal failure and causes you such an intense reaction is... probably due to the anxiety?
Oh, possibly. Though I begin to wonder if I’m working off a different definition of anxiety than I ought to be, like -- maybe I haven’t quite internalized the idea of anxiety in the way people are meant to. This does sometimes happen, where I think a word means one thing because it has in my personal experience, and actually it’s quite different. I mean, yes I do think I failed the Secret Being Normal Test, but I don’t see that as a flaw? It feels like a lot of people see a failure at something as evidence of being a bad person, and I just see it as a failure, with “fail” being pretty value-neutral. I don’t seem to couple failing-at-doing-something with being-a-failure in the way a lot of people seem to.
At one point in the test I told the woman “I’m doing so badly at this it’s almost impressive” just to make a joke, and she was like “But you’re trying your hardest, right?” and I said “Well...yeah, of course” fairly baffled, and only realized later she was possibly trying to comfort me, not checking to make sure I wasn’t sabotaging the test on purpose. I don’t mind failure particularly, especially when it’s so incredibly low-stakes, this specific failure just blindsided me because unlike usually, I wasn’t aware it was happening as it happened.
perminas
while best practice is usually to be in consistent talking therapy while taking adhd meds, you can absolutely get an assessment and find a psychiatrist - fairly easily on zocdoc! - who will not withhold medication if you don't continue therapy. i have one! she's in chicago and does telemed, even for adhd meds, if you want a recommendation!
Oh, thanks! I found a dude in the loop (near my home) who fits the bill, and the clinic seems pretty legit, but if he sets off alarm bells I may hit you back :D
Man there is a lot of bullshit wank that pulls up on Google when you search for anything related to mental health or learning disabilities. Also there are some scaaaaaaams out there and they’re hitting up top on the algorithm, don’t love that.
katestamps
Sending huge virtual hugs. No idea what insurance will pay for but there is also music, art and even theater therapy as opposed to just talk therapy and that may feel less awkward than traditional talk therapy if you want to go the therapy route. Also you may have more options with virtual appointments as opposed to them in your immediate area.
For a second I was like “Oh shit I could just go do theatre as therapy?” and then I realized it was probably like...theatre involving therapeutic themes, not just “working stagehand for a local production of Hairspray”. :D Which honestly sounds kind of exhausting anyway, before you introduce working through your issues, but it does explain a bit about my entire college career.
Man. I had some art therapy in my teens in California in the 90s and that...was a whole ass real trip I had forgotten about. You couldn’t pay me to be a teenager again.
flippedroundagain
You don't owe it to tumblr to be "well adjusted" about your own shit. It's A Lot to process! I hope the diagnosis ends up helping and that you find good care.
Well, no, but I do owe it to tumblr that, if I’m going to be public about it and tag the post with the various issues, I need to not be offensive or so fucked up I’m hurting other people. Like, not that I think this, but I’ve seen people say “I can’t have a learning disability, I’m normal” like everyone who has one is somehow a freak. If I’m going to express something like that, because nobody can be super healthy about this shit all the time, I need to find an appropriate place to put that, which isn’t “right in front of other people with the problem I’m bitching about.”
It’s okay to be both hurting and conscious of not hurting others. It’s just a matter of making sure that either I say stuff that isn’t hurtful, or I warn that I might be inadvertently hurtful as I work through shit.
Favorite ways Maedhros frames things: 'I'm going to proposition your father'
Ahaha nope, there’s the weirdness everyone has come to expect.
maedhrosrussandol replied to your post “Fingon?” Maedhros said, though it came out more like ‘Fngmf.’ He...”
So many favorite parts to this: Fingon messing up the sheets on purpose, Maedhros falling asleep and irking Maglor, all the wordplay. Brilliant. Just a lovely moment.
I like how we can all agree that people ignoring Maglor is hilarious and needs to happen more often.
sumeriasmith replied to your post “Fingon?” Maedhros said, though it came out more like ‘Fngmf.’ He...”
I love the way in which these two's mutal tendancy to be assholes complement each other so much.
There is a reason they’re besties. Fingon’s decision to rescue him was less a matter of ancient friendships stinging his heart than the horrible realisation Maedhros is the only person that finds his assholery funny and charming.
lsusanna replied to your post “Fingon?” Maedhros said, though it came out more like ‘Fngmf.’ He...”
that Fingon's joyous relief could be mistaken for anger is so...him. I really wanna see someone drown Feener now.
Fingon’s emotions are all hot blooded anime protagonist intense so it’s an easy mistake to make, especially when you are full of paranoia, self loathing and opiates.
arrogantemu replied to your post “Fingon?” Maedhros said, though it came out more like ‘Fngmf.’ He...”
calendille replied to your post “sumeriasmith replied to your post “sumeriasmith replied to your post...”
Ah ah mute Curufin sounds so frustrated.
Curufin has SO many sick burns ready to go and he can’t use any of them, it’s incredibly upsetting.
lsusanna replied to your post “sumeriasmith replied to your post “sumeriasmith replied to your post...”
“I like to think I would oppose any plan involving abduction, imprisonment, and the blackmailing of the victim’s family but perhaps I flatter myself." YA THINK.
Present Mae's sense of irony wouldn’t allow it but give him a hundred years and a dead boyfriend...
sumeriasmith replied to your post “sumeriasmith replied to your post “sumeriasmith replied to your post...”
<3<3<3 Poor mute Curufin. And poor Maedhros. Truly family is a joy and a delight.
Hey hey, the real victim here is Celegorm; his best friend ran off with his girlfriend, no one is gonna take that well
sumeriasmith replied to your post “sumeriasmith replied to your post “Inspired by a conversation with…”
Well, all of those a little, but I admit, mostly the last. Maedhros being extremely salty at his brothers gives me life, frankly. The world needs more Finwean family shenanigans that treat them as a _family_. Will all the epic casting of shade implied therein.
Have some more!
“-courted her fairly, at which point she spurned my hospitality and stole my dog!”
“That’s rough, brother.”
“I haven’t even told you the worst part yet.”
“It gets worse? Surely not.” Maedhros refilled his brother’s goblet. Curufin glared at him but did not interrupt - could not interrupt if the bruises circling his throat were any indication. “Tell on,” Maedhros said and Celegorm did.
“We need to sack Doriath,” he finished. “And Nargothrond.”
“Both of them? I’m a little short handed right now.” Maedhros gestured expressively.
Curufin glared harder. Celegorm was too drunk on wine and bitterness to notice. “Doriath then. Just Doriath.”
“Can we not- what was it you did last time you felt jilted? Nail a hart’s heart to her door? Write her a poem expressing your disdain? ‘O maiden shrike whose thorns have pierced my chest-’”
Celegorm coloured. “I was thirty nine.”
“Time does not seem to have improved your judgement.”
“My judgement? I judge you to be craven and complacent. We shall have no victory and no end to our oath while all the free realms lie divided, and yet you cringe in your fortress like a beaten cur, afraid to act without your master’s orders.”
Sometimes family meant knowing exactly how to hurt each other. “We can’t all have noble Huan’s courage.”
“How dare-” Celegorm’s rise was arrested by his brother’s hand upon his shoulder. Curufin shook his head, the movement clearly painful, and Maedhros stamped down the urge to send for tea or bundle him off to bed. His brothers were men grown and he was not scolding them over windows broken in their games or a refusal to eat their vegetables.
“That was unkind of me,” he said, without apologising. “You’ve certainly united the realms, albeit in hatred of us. If I could applaud you, be assured I would.”
Curufin smiled his thin, furious smile at that and Maedhros was glad of his silence. He could not talk rings around Curufin as he did Celegorm, who said sullenly, “If we had succeeded you would sing a different song.”
“I like to think I would oppose any plan involving abduction, imprisonment, and the blackmailing of the victim’s kin but perhaps I flatter myself. Morality aside, you did not succeed.” Maedhros Fëanorion would stop at that. He could see his brothers’ grief in their shadowed eyes and the weary set of their shoulders, and the greater part of him wished to offer what comfort he could for those that they had loved and failed and lost. But he was not just their brother. “You’re both confined to your quarters until I’ve settled matters with our kin.”
That roused his brothers’ ire again. “You aren’t our father to send us to bed without supper,” Celegorm snarled.
“No indeed. I am your liege lord and it is only for the love I bear you that I haven’t had you whipped.”
There was little enough that could be said after that. Curufin stared him down with bright, cold eyes while Celegorm slumped in his chair, curling in on himself like a wounded animal. Maedhros folded his hands before him - flesh and steel - and wondered, as though he did not know, when they had all gone so badly wrong.
sumeriasmith replied to your post “Inspired by a conversation with @simaethae “There’s porridge in your...”
headcanon accepted at lightspeed
Is this the headcannon that Maglor’s greatest pain in life is that he will never be able to see himself perform live?
That he doesn’t think there’s a living celebrity with more weapons formed against him?
That Maglor doesn’t even listen to ballads. His fortress is too nice to listen to ballads in?
That he’s too busy writing history to read it?
That he hates it when he’s sacking a town and he looks around and there’s some children next to him like ‘oh great now I gotta be responsible for these children’?
Or is it the headcannon that Maedhros spends 90% of his time post-Sirion lying on the floor waiting for opportunities to be passive aggressive?
I loved the vibe in the later parts of this series where Sauron’s gotten so divorced from reality it seems like he often literally can’t tell when/why Celebrimbor is afraid of him.
@arrogantemu:
At least he sort of gets points for eventually noticing that Celebrimbor is panicking rather than having the fun sexy time that is obviously happening right now. (yes, that requires lowering the bar to the point where it can no longer be seen, but, well.)
I think it’s not entirely that he can’t tell Celebrimbor’s scared (altho he isn’t exactly doing a great job at noticing or understanding Celebrimbor’s feelings!!) as that like... if Sauron really wants something to be true, and convinces himself it’s true hard enough, then maybe it might turn out that reality, and not Sauron, was actually in the wrong?? :>
(He’s a lesser deity: the idea that he can decide things are true and make them be that way is...not totally groundless. And Celebrimbor would kiiind of like to agree, in the sense that he, too, would rather not be afraid.)
@thelioninmybed:
It probably shouldn’t but “What do you think I’m going to do?” cracks me up every time, god fucking damn it Sauron how are you so…you
