long story really fucking short, the toxic mentality of so many people on this hellsite is getting to me, and it's exhausting me, so im leaving for a bit
@my discord pals - yall r chill, im staying on discord cause alla yall are great
to any of the reasons for the toxicity reading this: NEWSFLASH! im not talking about people who happen to enjoy a certain subset of fiction. if you're really attacking people for liking fiction, you need to get a fucking grip. you say that fiction affects reality and then in the same sentence tell people to fucking die. i mean really, cant you see the hypocrisy in this??? i dont care if this sparks any hate in my inbox - i dont fucking care. im not going to be on here to see it for a while anyway, and that shit doesnt bother me to begin with. but if you really think that going around harassing people makes you a better person than someone who happens to enjoy a subset of fiction AND KNOWS THAT ITS BAD IN REAL LIFE, then you need to CHECK. YOUR. FUCKING. ATTITUDE. there have been literal cases of people ACTUALLY TRYING TO KILL THEMSELVES because of those """"""""jokes"""""""" you sent them anonymously.
listen. im a christian. most of you know this - and if you dont, surprise!!! yeah, being a bisexual christian is difficult as hell.
but see, im the kind of christian i wish EVERY christian was. the kind who FOLLOWS our orders to LOVE. FUCKING. EVERYONE. EVEN those people who we would consider our "enemy". which is what a lot of christians fail at.
which is why, surprisingly, i am not finishing this email with a call for you people to die. no. thats yalls cup of tea. im just going to repeat my plea.
check. your. attitude.
and stop driving relatively chill people like me to fucking snap and have to take a break so i dont get a goddamn panic attack.
god i cant wait until i can leave this fucking hellsite forever.
“why the fuck can we not make fun of autistic fuckwits huh?“
Cause we autistic “fuckwits“ as you like to call us are well aware that you are making fun of us, that “making fun of us” tends to lead to us being thrown under the bus in society in such a way that we can’t get work or be taken seriously due to our “amusing features”, those jokes while oh-so-amusing to you hurt like a bitch, and we can’t change much of what you make fun of us for so we’re left in the endless loop of you making fun of the things we WISH we could change but can’t change. Hell, many of us can’t even defend ourselves to half of your crude jokes cause we either can’t communicate our discomfort, or we can but you just use it as all-the-more-evidence that we should be made fun of. There have been enough cases of police arresting us and throwing violence on us due to the things we cannot change about ourselves and not being the “normal citizen”, there have been enough cases of “sane perfectly allistic” people abusing and killing us for the very fact we have Autism. Your jokes have no benefit when this kind of shit keeps happening.
We Autistics are not your amusing little toy animals for you to poke at and mess with. We’re freaking people with plenty of emotion and self awareness. We have got enough issues in our own skulls without people like you making it all the worse. Mocking our quirks, mocking when we have difficulty controlling our emotions (or for “not having emotions at all”, many of you can’t make up your minds), mocking us when we’re just trying to go about our lives. Sometimes our quirks are even mocked as a racial thing (ex- making fun of white autistics for their quirks, mocking black autistics for their quirks. Both cases being “Oh this such a white/black people thing” for those who make the jokes. I’ve seen both happen on this site, don’t you deny it.) which I gotta say is not much of an improvement whatsoever since now we apparently have the responsibility to have our behaviors as a negative representation of people that aren’t even Autistic, as proof of an entire group’s inferiority.
I’ve been aware of this for some time, I’m aware of the “”less aware/normal”“ of us always getting mocked, I was one of those kids mocked for those quirks and basically left to rot alone cause anyone who tried to even socialize with me would be threatened with the same ostracizing treatment. What you’ve been doing to us Autistics is harassment, it’s sickening you think of it as fun, and if you have any sense of humanity you should stop. We know you’re making fun of us and frankly, we never found it funny to being with, and neither should you.
What is it called you have a desperate desire to be considered cute but if you try to achieve it all you get is dysphoria so maybe you go online and play a game where you can be a cute thing like a teddy but it doesn't feel right no matter how much you customize it no matter how much time you put in to making it yours it's not you and it only makes you feel worse and all you want is to be loved and cherished and held and even though you have people who do that for you in your life you still feel so alone and hurt and it's been so long since you've seen your therapist and you feel like you're getting into a downward spiral and you can't stop you don't know what to do and you're scared to reach out to anyone because you don't want to be another hinderance to their life and their own problems and you can't reach out to your family because they try and pick your therapist for you and the therapist tries to make it about religion and you are religious but the therapist isn't supposed to be doing that and you don't wanna be told you shouldn't change your body for your dysphoria because God made you perfect if God made every creature perfect why do caterpillars turn into butterflies and tadpoles into frogs people have the capacity to change and if my body is a temple then top surgery is getting the worship center remodelled and knocking down walls to make room for more pews.
So much that I just deserve a check-in once in awhile but hey, trying to live that drama free life right? Cause you say it's the community that's the problem and you want to still want to be around for the friends but by the sounds of it, we ain't worth that much time!
And me. Who is supposed to be that special friend. The one that made sure to change my life so that I wasn't a burden with my baggage and wasn't just some boring ass fetish model, that I was just a quirky girl!! I let you into my personal life like ya I talk about Ronald and my DID but like it's not to everyone! AND MY FUCKING RONALD IS INVESTED IN YOU?!?!
This is a man who doesn't take in outsiders too often. Like in my 12 years with him he has learned to accept my husband and then he fought me over this guy and he finally started to be friendly with him. He isn't heart broken cause he learns to get over people but this has been the third time I've heartbroken. And Ronald tends to not like people that do that especially three times.
And I've helped you with life issues and I've helped you with finances whether I was able to or not, and I never told you when I didn't. Cause we can't have you worrying too much. Like right now I'm glad you aren't on Tumblr even though you wouldn't of saw this post anyway.
I just can't believe that you think I am so disgusting to your old new friends that I can't mix in the crowd. Like I just want to know if you are alive. Well I did. In this moment I don't fucking care. I'm trying to vent now in case there is a conversation in the future but I don't want to hear from you. Come back if you actually care. Like I should of known better. I shouldn't of loved so much like I did... I was stupid but I'm not going back. Three strikes and you're out.
I deleted my fetish model stuff completely and I'm not returning to it ever again. As much as I love my chubby self and chubby girls, some of the weight gain was to impress you and it holds a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm going to shed it off (especially since I'm not gonna eat much anyway, just enough to survive) and start my life before I met you minus the lack of art confidence hiatus shit. I'm gonna go back to being me. Thanks for everything. Have fun with your new life.
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This is gonna be a full-on stress vent (”again gato???”, my apologies if that’s the case). Just need to write down my problems sometimes to try to get my own brain to understand them.
I implore you to please not like/reblog/reply/respond to this post/vent whatsoever. “Then why are you posting it on here?!“, I’d rather not try to figure an answer for that atm, and frankly I’m not sure I could give one even if I tried.
And those of you who may be having a rough time I also implore you that you DON’T read this post from here on out, skip it. The last thing I want to do is drag someone further down when they’re already having a rough time already, especially from me griping. I’ve been in that boat, and I’d rather not drag someone onto that boat.
It’s weird/upsetting that I’m not feeling that “spring gardening spark“ that I usually get this time of year (correction; would’ve popped up last month). Usually the smell of the melting snow + the garden show usually gets me charged up but this year I feel almost nothing...
I guess I kind of feel despirited/broken in a way? Summer was rough, autumn was rougher, and even winter indoor gardening never worked out either. I don’t want to say that it’s because I’m living back on the farm now permanently but... It kind of feels like it’s that.
My apartment was small but spacious, plant/growing spaces easy to access and were almost always within my main line of visual/mental traffic. Here on the farm? There’re more growing spaces but they’re all scattered around the house away from my main daily routine of traffic. All of said spaces I constantly feel supercramped and am always having to watch my feet, head or other appendages from the walls/furniture, and watering always feels more risky than it should be purely cause it’s been drilled into me that the floors/shelves here can’t be allowed to get wet, and that’s not also factoring in everyone else’s stuff (baskets of clean clothes, electronics, papers, etc.) that I want to avoid getting wet at all costs because it’s surprisingly stupidly stressful to get those accidentally wet when I try to do my usual “water fast and efficiently” routine (which is hard to do when all the grow spaces are so cramped that I can barely get my hand in much less the watering can). I can’t even really move the growing spaces to anywhere else either; the windows are too small to have a “all in one growing space“ and the growlights while being potentially able to be moved elsewhere can’t really be moved elsewhere cause the alternatives are even worse or are where the plant-hungry pets can easily access. The only current space for potting stuff up atm is also the cold/cramped basement which just makes even the simple task of potting seeds/plants up more stressful than it actually is.
There is no form of fellow expertise in gardening perennials in a greenhouse either, so whenever I fall into a problem I have no one to turn to, and the internet doesn’t really fill in the game either (any time I’ve googled plant production related ailments/diseases I always end up getting info on annuals like petunias etc. in a hot glass greenhouse setting verses perennials/shrubs in a cold poly greenhouse setting which is what I’ve been trying to do). It took me over several weeks of watching a gigantic crop of transplanted perennial/shrub seedlings slowly die with no answers to even get a GUESS of what was wrong or how to fix it, and the only solution that could even be brought up was “don’t ever transplant anything ever even though plants need to be transplanted/thinned from each other“ and watch the ailing plants all die regardless what I did, and honestly I STILL DON’T EVEN HAVE A PROFESSIONAL ANSWER AS TO WHAT HAPPENED AND HOW TO AVOID IT HAPPENING AGAIN.
Seed collecting is even harder now. Whereas before I could grab a bus and go to town to the nearest public green space and forage for seeds to start germinating at my own independent leisure, in the rural countryside where even the forests are far spaced apart it’s near to impossible for one w/o a full driver’s liscence. Asking family to help me get around? I’ve tried, and I’ve honestly given up. I always get a yes but not now, or sure, or maybe later or maybe after all these following tasks, and only THEN after a whole bunch of nagging do I get some small chance we go anywhere where I can check for seeds. Now, if you know plants/trees you will know that they don’t always have their seeds ready when people arrive to collect. This has happened almost every time I’ve asked to go anywhere to collect seeds, so all that energy used up just to CHECK if trees/plants have ripe seeds or not (especially when you have absolutely NO local intel on the status of seed development), then you can guess how that motivation to even try gets drained out of you in the span of several months.
And don’t even get me started on temperature management in the house/greenhouse. For both the temperatures fluctuate against me. In the apartment the problem was that it was always too hot (easy fix; open a window and let the cold winterspring air mix in), but the farm house it’s often too cold (which I can’t solve with cranking the heater up cause A- bills and B- it’s an old house so much of the problem comes from whichever wind direction is going on outside) more than too hot. While one growing space can be utterly freezing in the same house another room can be sweat-lvls of hot.
The greenhouse itself? We have far too transparent of poly plastic (it’s probably only 50% or less opacity, for such a production set up it should be at least 70-80% opaque for minimal opacity and that’s for sun-loving plants!) so often it’s not even the temp fluctuations but instead the sun intensity which is barely bandage fixed with the shade cloth.
Now you may be thinking (which let me first say I AM SURPRISED YOU DECIDED TO READ THIS FAR FOR A SELF-VENT), this sounds like a whole bunch of whining. If there’s one person who can agree with this statement more than anything it’s me. To me at this point I’m just whining and not doing. I say my hands are tied but most of the universe is gonna say that is not the case. What do I get when I even try to bring this up to myself? Just a near state of crying like a little child. I absolutely hate it. There is so much about this that can make me prattle on about how much I hate this or that (either current events or just myself, really depends), but when this tune has been going on from midsummer of 2016 till now spring 2017 you can see how I’d be trying to keep away from this emotional mess.
I should get up and try again. With the chiropractor appointments going back to consistency again (was basically like the seed-collecting situation with the exact same timespan until I finally snapped from the sheer amount of physical pain I was getting from helping my dad with his chores), meaning I should soon be a little more stable and a little less “off” and more “”functional””. I should stop being cramped out by everyone elses’ stuff and make a space that’s actually workable/tolerable for me but at this point after trying so often to I’m kind of up in arms as to even how to go about this now, or for that matter how to even get my gardening spark back again. Cause now all my brain can think about are stupid but addictive video games, or the next session of my dad calling for me to help him with several hours of draining/demotivating work almost every day, rather than any growing/gardening project, or hell even drawing, my drawing motivation dropped to negative around the same time my gardening motivation did.
