#surgery countdown

[barbatusart]

[colt-kun]

Had a 7:30 AM appointment for general health screening and blood draws today

Got myself a smoothie afterwards for being a good colty and not biting the nurse and not screeching like a banshee or passing out when they STABBED ME and STOLE MY RED VITAL FLUID

23 days to surgery!

[transmisto]

7

I called my mom earlier to ask her to bring some outer wear for me because I always forget that there are days sometimes when I need a jacket even though I live in a subtropical climate. During our conversation her trans friend, who she used to misgender whenever she talked about him throughout my childhood, came up. She used his correct pronouns the whole time without slipping. It gave me a bit of hope that maybe I can start to trust her again.

In exactly a week I will be waking up just after surgery around now. I’m not as nervous as I was a few days ago, probably because things are more settled now. I should probably write to myself soon so if I feel bad after I can remember why I’m doing this but just now the words won’t come.

[being-him]

I AM SHAKING!

I just got off the phone! I put down a payment and picked a pre-op date as well as my surgery date!

In two and a half months I will be in bed with drains and I will finally be free.

[barbatusart]

8 day countdown doodle

[transmisto]

9

It feels fake and too real at the same time. My mom is flying in in less than a week. I still don’t know if I’m ready for her. She’s gotten better about all of it but the initial shock of her not being as supportive as I expected is still there and I still can’t trust her (not that I could before anyway). I feel like I can’t express any nervousness or any less than positive emotion regarding surgery around her. She won’t be coming to the actual surgery center with me, a recent enby friend I have will instead.

Today through the inter webs I found out another celebrity that was involved in a piece of media I liked as a teen is a transphobe. It feels exhausting and if I think about it too much I’ll just be sad and angry at cis people and I’ll burst. I’m afraid my mom will bring the dvd of a movie that person was in and I’ll have to explain why I don’t want to watch it. I hate this and my hope that cis people can be accepting is fading. I want to be excited about surgery and be more open with more people in my life but I can’t. The reality is I don’t know how many people I’ll have to cut off, and more intimidating is the people I might be pressured to keep in my life because of family. But also I literally live on the other side of the world from everyone I grew up with?? What’s stopping me from not caring because I don’t see them much anymore anyway??

Anyways my blog is going to be a bit more personal and ranting for a bit so strap in I guess.

[transmisto]

3

My mom is here now, which is kind of weird. It’s been mostly good, but then she started talking about being patient with ignorant people, which yeah I get in principle but I kind of get the impression that it was aimed to make me talk to my dad more. I guess what I wanted to say is there’s ignorance and ignorance. It’s one thing if someone just hasn’t been exposed to trans people and another if you have and are still not making an effort to learn. I guess I’m just tired and still angry that they have to have a trans child in order to learn that trans people deserve respect. Believe me I tried to get them to be better before I came out.

[transmisto]

5

I’m a bit emo after aerial class, since I know it’ll be a long time until I can do it again. I ended up asking my silk teacher about exercises I could do and she just recommended core stuff. I was a bit caught off guard when she asked why I was getting surgery... I didn’t really know how to explain/want to out myself since idk how knowledgeable she is about trans people. I just said because I want it to be flat. I also don’t think that there is a word for dysphoria in Chinese yet so the language was a bit of an issue too.

I wanted to ask my hoop teacher, who is gay and has volunteered for the biggest lgbt organization in the country, but I don’t talk to him as much usually so it felt weird... I wish my flex teacher was still teaching on Saturdays. I haven’t seen him since October and he has shared an article about trans women on his Facebook so I know he at least knows and supports binary trans people. Also I just miss flexibility class.

My mom is flying in tomorrow night. I think I’m ready for that, I guess. My friend who is coming to the surgery clinic with me day of surgery is going traveling right after, so either my mom will need to come with me when I get my drains out or I’ll have to ask another friend. I don’t know what I want to do yet.